<p>Has anyone else seen this article or heard of this book? I really have a hard time understanding parents who choose to walk away. I suppose it is mitigated because she lives nearby.</p>
<p>"Rahna Reiko Rizzuto says that she never wanted to be a mother.</p>
<p>“I had this idea that motherhood was this really all-encompassing thing,” she explained on the Today Show, where she was talking about her new memoir, “Hiroshima in the Morning.” “I was afraid of being swallowed up by that.”</p>
<p>Ten years ago, when her sons were 5 and 3, Rizzuto received a fellowship to spend six months in Japan, researching a book about the survivors of Hiroshima. Four months in, when her children came to visit, she had an epiphany: She didn’t want to be a full-time mother anymore. When she returned to New York, she ended her 20-year marriage and chose not to be her kids’ custodial parent…</p>
<p>Here is the link to the Salon article: [Why</a> I left my children - Real Families - Salon.com](<a href=“http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/02/28/leaving_my_children]Why”>http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/02/28/leaving_my_children)
It is statements like this that give me pause:
“I had to leave my children to find them. In my part-time motherhood, I get concentrated blocks of time when I can be that 1950s mother we idealize who was waiting in an apron with fresh cookies when we got off the school bus and wasn’t too busy for anything we needed until we went to bed. I go to every parent-teacher conference; I am there for performances and baseball games. My former husband is there too. Though it was not easy for him, he has made it possible for me to define my own motherhood, and for our sons to have a life of additions, rather than subtraction, of a relative peace, rather than constant accusation.”</p>
<p>I guess I feel parenting is less about the cookie scenarios and more about the tears and the giggles of guiding young people into becoming themselves. You can’t just show up for the game. Life is the tired, discouraged kid and making them find the good in themselves.</p>
<p>wow…just, wow. I agree that motherhood is not for everyone. I have a SIL who always knew she did not want children and she has never regretted her decision. I do not fault that. BUT once you have children, it is no longer about you. Parenting can be rewarding, but it is not easy…few things in life that are worthwhile are.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine a child having to read in a book how his mother would rather not be with him. Her selfishness is getting in the way.</p>
<p>I’ve always had sympathy for people who must be part-time parents, say after a divorce. It’s difficult for me to imagine anyone doing it on purpose. However, I do think that society is harder on mother’s who do it than fathers.</p>
<p>So much of parenting is just not planned. I don’t want my relationship with my son to be a series of play dates. I’d much rather skip the 1950s ideal and be real people, learning together.</p>
<p>I think the “Tiger Mom”, btw, goes to certain extremes in “asian parenting.” It brings a negative and untrue stereotype. My parents never made me play the piano 6 hours straight or become mad if I am a point off from a 100 on a test. Anyways, in the end, they would always be proud of me. Sometimes, parents get really strict with their children, like aboutr their futures and all, but I believe it is better than having no support from your parents at all.</p>
<p>today, i watched in my USH class about the American life in the 1950s, and we had to observe the role of women during that time period when we watched youtube videos. its sexist in a way.</p>
<p>One of the reasons my mom left dad is because she was bitter about playing the June Cleaver role. She left wifedom and motherhood when sis and I were 13 and 15, respectively. There were many reasons the marriage ended; this thread only touches on one.</p>
<p>Mom openly admits that she never enjoyed being a mother. “Some people are cut out for it. I am not,” she’s been known say. She then goes on to explain with examples like, “oh, how I wished I could have just gone to the bathroom alone when the girls were little.” Or, “I felt like I was being punished every time I had to throw a birthday party.” And, my (least) favorite, “If I had known ahead of time what motherhood was like, you never would have been born.” I could go on and on.</p>
<p>She shares these insights with me as if, as a mother, I’m old enough now to relate and agree. She presumes that since I came from her, I must feel the same way. After all, I have the career she always pined for. So I must not want kids, either, right? Wrong. </p>
<p>There is no recovery from learning that your mother didn’t want to raise you. rom828 said it right: once you have kids it’s no longer about you. </p>
<p>Shame on this Rahna Reiko Rizzuto for making a buck off of abandoning her kids.</p>
<p>I saw this too and there is an video on the Today website. I thought there was a lot of sidestepping the issues by the author and the lawyer who appeared with her. I could go into more detail on that point but it would divert me.</p>
<p>The main issue for me is that author should have addressed her determination not to be consumed by motherhood before she had kids. If this is your goal and you can’t figure out how to achieve it without leaving your kids then don’t have kids. In the interview on the Today Show the author offered no explanation as to why she went ahead and had kids. As to her assessment that she is a better parent as a part-time parent, and by this I think she means six hours a week, I think she is just in denial. In fact, during the whole interview I found her not admitting to the magnitude of what she had done.</p>
<p>I can find some empathy for her because I don’t think she ever meant for any of this to happen. I don’t think her plan all along was to leave her kids, she was just someone who never should have had them. They’ve got a step-mother now who hopefully can give them the mothering they deserve.</p>
<p>I think this is just one more example of irresponsible and selfish people in this world. Motherhood is not all roses and raising teenagers can sometimes be pure hell, but it is a responsibility that when one assumes needs to be fulfilled and maybe, just maybe, if people weren’t so self-serving they would find all of the joys in being a parent. Even during the “hell” years there are glimpses of heaven. I am so glad this women has not only been able to really screw up her children for life, but she is making money off of it.</p>
<p>I also want to add that I know a few mothers who left their children behind to “figure things out” and in every single case these are women who are very emotionally immature and self-centered. They should have never have had kids, but they did and they are not mature enough to handle it. It really takes some maturity to put someone else’s needs before your own.</p>
<p>I feel for all of the children whose mothers left them. They will never fully heal and realize that it isn’t them that has the problem, it is their immature and selfish biological mother. Just because one can birth a child doesn’t mean they are a mom.</p>
<p>Sigh. I think leaving beats abusing, killing, or mutilating them, but that is the perversity of the business I’m in.</p>
<p>My D’s BFF was once interviewed by the local paper about her views on abortion, and said about my D; “her mom says there are worse things than death”.</p>
<p>I just thought I’d say this: I’m really proud of my wife for being a great mother. </p>
<p>I honestly never expected her to be a great mom. At groceries stores, when little babies looked at her from the shopping cart in front of her, she turned away and looked elsewhere. I’d sit there and wave or wiggle my finger and make them laugh, and she’d sort of scowl and say she didn’t know anything about babies.</p>
<p>When we saw little kids running around the toy section, she got annoyed.</p>
<p>When I made some reference to a pregnant coworker, she was visibly irritated by the thought of getting pregnant.</p>
<p>Then, she was. And then she had our daughter. And now is the best possible mom I can imagine. She puts 100% of her energy into raising our daughter, doing the right thing, changing diapers, and never complains. It’s amazing. I’m really, really proud of her.</p>
<p>(In other words…I really don’t get how people could want to be a part time parent. Yes, I know they are out there but I don’t get it.)</p>
<p>I agree that it takes a level of maturity to put someone else’s needs before one’s own.</p>
<p>Although after being married I wanted a child, I did worry that I exhibited some of the same traits that babyontheway mentioned. I just never was one to ooh and ahh over someone else’s baby, or want to hold them, etc.</p>
<p>However, from the very second I laid eyes on my son after his birth (via c-section) that was it. I just stared him in the eyes and felt I was looking back at myself, my very soul. From that very moment, I knew there would be no problem for me to step up and be a mother. I instantly knew, somehow, that I would not only nurture, but defend this new life to my death if I had to. It was an astoundingly powerful feeling. I told my H about it, saying I wished I could share that feeling with him in something more than words because it just felt so overwhelmingly right.</p>
<p>There are people who become parents because they think it’s the right of passage, but really are not cut out for the job. Once they have kids and when they don’t feel equiped for parenthood, if there are other options, it’s more selfless to give them up (to the other parent). I think it is especially the case for women, we are brought up to belive it is nature to be a mother, and if we don’t love parenthood then some how we have failed, therefore some people keep on pretending they love parenthood.</p>
<p>There are a lot men who probably could be better parents than their wifes, but when there is a divorce, those women fight for custody, sometimes not because they love being parents, but because the society expect them to be. In some incidence it maybe better to face up to one’s feelings, and give up custody to the other parent for the good of the children.</p>
<p>Personally, being a mom has been the most challenging and fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life. But I could understand why it is not for everyone.</p>
<p>So this woman wants the fun parts - the baking cookies and the performances and the games and the conferences. But she can’t be bothered with the sick days and supervising homework, the nightly teeth brushing and figuring out what’s for dinner, and the driving to/from rehearsals and practices. She can’t be bothered with the day-to-day, sometimes boring, sometimes frustrating part of parenting. The part where you really TEACH your child about LIFE. And she wants to brag about this?</p>
<p>If you figure out that parenthood is not for you and you allow your ex-spouse to be the primary parent, you’re doing your kid a favor. But to write a book and expect people to tell you how wonderful you are?</p>
<p>She’s like the athlete who wants to play but not to practice. They usually get cut from the team.</p>
<p>I have two thoughts on this. One is that there are millions of men who do the same thing with less scrutiny and scolding all over the world. I am not saying that they are any less contemptible as this mom but it is interesting to me that it raises so much more ire when a woman does it than when a man does.</p>
<p>The second point I have is that, I believe, that this mom wrote the book as a desperate way to intellectualize her selfish decision; as if abandoning your children should be seen as some sort of alternative lifestyle that is available for the asking. “Don’t judge me, this has worked out great for everyone involved and families come in all different shapes and sizes, blah, blah, blah.” Rationalization in book form.</p>
<p>I don’t understand the views expressed here that the woman abandoned her children, as if she left them on someone’s doorstep. No, she left them in the (presumably) loving care of their father. Is that so bad? Plenty of men do this and continue to see their children on a part-time basis (attending games, parent conferences, etc.) and are widely praised for remaining involved in their childrens’ lives after the divorce. </p>
<p>If the mom does this, it’s viewed as abandonment. I guess we are still living in the 1950’s after all.</p>
<p>^^^
You have a good point. I did use the word abandoned and , you’re right, it isn’t exactly that. But it IS abandoning your responsibilities as full time parent. I do believe that the standard should be the same for men AND woman.</p>