Our own plans for our aged years

Parent Cafe
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<p>I thought of asking this on my own thread and it is something I have not seen on the “Parents Caring for Parents” thread. But it is a huge issue, and if people care to discuss it, I thought it deserved a thread of its own.Myself, I would be fascinated to know and lear about how people have planned/envisioned their years as aged people, I mean, people in need of elder care. As we leave our middle-age, have many posters taken out long-term health insurance? (My husband and I have never had the means to; in fact, to my astonishment and without consulting me, my 62 yr old husband cancelled–because of the monthly premium–his (not big) life insurance policy. Yes. </p>

<p>Our present home has two bedrooms downstairs and three upstairs. The two downstairs bedrooms are 1, a music room (DD2 plays two big instruments, an electric keyboard with real piano weighed keys and a big Chinese instrument called a g u z h e n g . I had to spell it out because “autocorrect” kept changing it. You tube it for some AMAZING performances. ) and 2. a tv/w loveseat room. When my family bought this present home, my mother (recently at that very time widowed, sadly) glanced into what became the “music room” and said, oh, this can be my room!Shocked, I had no response, and her words haunted me for years.</p>

<p>In contrast, when my MIL entered a nursing home (after 5 or more satisfying years of Independent Living) about 3 years ago, my then 17-year old eldest daughter said, as we entered on our FIRST visit, Mom, when you and Dad get old, we will find you the BEST nursing home! That said it all. But I was totally, totally fine with it. </p>

<p>All four of my grandparents, long ago (I am 57 years old) all lived with one of their children until mortal illness put them in the hospital, where they died.</p>

<p>Our generation of children most certainly do not want or expect us to live in their homes. Given our own financial picture, I expect to eventually end up on my own in a NH on Medicaid, and I truly believe I will be fine if my eyesight holds up. If I can read, and have GOOD access to books (I already worry about this) I will be fine . If I have books, I =don’t need anything else. Though I have had two gravely serious–add successful outcomes, thank God–surgeries, I expect my husband, 5 years older than me, to predecease me; he is highly stressed 24/7 and drinks too much, though he is not an alcoholic by any stretch. </p>

<p>Just as our children grow up so fast, so will our futures catch up with us. What are your thoughts and plans? </p>

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<p>I’m going to keep it simple philosophy to be consistent with every thing in my life. My in-laws are who my husband and I want to emulate. They walked a lot and lived reasonably well until the ripe old age of 86 and 91 at home. They had no desire for nursing home but there were caretakers came to help them in the last 2 years. One exception is that not to attempt any surgery after a certain age. My mother refused treating for cancer like surgery or chemo but she had the noninvasive treatment. She died with dignity as best as she could in a hospice care.
My husband is older than me and most likely I will outlive him for a few years. But he is my stress buster same as my FIL to my MIL.
I have 2 girls and I’m glad I have 2 girls, they always help out when we are not well. One also works for herself and if she continues, she can help us because her hours are not restrictive but it’s not expected from us. My husband never did help my MIL because she live thousand of miles away but called her weekly. I couldn’t help my mother because I also lived hundreds of miles away so I understand if they can’t help.
I plan to age in place and get care takers to come and help us in our old age. If we go at any age, so be it. We plan to live a darn good life before that time.</p>

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<p>While he should have consulted you first, in many cases, it makes sense for elderly retired people who are not financially supporting anyone through their labor* to cancel any life insurance policies.</p>

<p>*Be careful, though, if the elderly retired person provides child care services for grandkids, caregiving for family members with disabilities, or other services to family members like preparing food or managing investments. In this case, the other family members would incur costs to replace his/her labor if she dies.</p>

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<p>Your financial situation probably is similar to most approaching ‘golden years’…most people don’t have millions in the bank for retirement years. The best thing you can do for your long term health is try to get husband’s stress reduced and get him to stop or ease up on drinking. I know it is easier said than done…but people can change their habits for the better.</p>

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<p>^that^</p>

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<p>I have been thinking about this a lot lately having seen my father deteriorating yet still stubborn about staying at home and refusing carers for his personal help or even cleaning/cooking help. I think it’s important to plan so as not to be a burden to our kids; start with downsizing to a one level house or apartment, then a retirement facility and then assisted living…each step to come before we actually need it. My H who is 6 years older than me has no plans or thoughts other than he expects to be healthy and well and wants to stay at home however old he gets. I see some disagreements in our future.</p>

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<p>I’m going with the same plan that my father had. He said he was just going to kick the bucket. He dropped dead in his yard just a few months short of 95, living on his own, not having been in a hospital or nursing home.</p>

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<p>My folks are turning 85 and 90 this year and still in pretty good physical shape with few health conditions. They walk a bit slower and have a harder time hearing, but are otherwise still active and busy with their own lives. They are planning to enter a retirement community where many of their friends are living and are currently on the waiting list there.</p>

<p>We currently plan to live all our years in our home, which is suitable for aging in place, hiring caregiver(s) as needed. Absent some terrible catastrophe, we should be able to comfortably afford whatever care we need. If need be, we could sell our place and move to a retirement community. Proceeds from selling our home should net us a good sum. If we don’t have to sell our home, we plan to leave it to our kids for them to rent or sell, as they see fit.</p>

<p>If either of our kids want to live with us, we or they could remodel our home to enlarge it from its current 3 bedroom, 2 bath small footprint size.</p>

<p>H and I decided to keep both of his life insurance policies in effect. One is a fully paid up whole life policy that pays annual “return of premium” & has a growing cash value–the return of premiums for the whole life policy pay for most of his former employer-offered term policy. The policies will help with cash flow while the estate settles.</p>

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<p>All 4 of my grandparents lived in their homes until they died, each after a relatively brief illness. (Grandmothers outlived grandfathers.) My parents are also hoping to live at home. My dad had chemo and radiation for lung cancer a couple of years ago but is not going to go through with any more. He is probably cancer free but is not planning to see his oncologist regardless. So I am with you, @DrGoogle, @HImom and everyone else who plans to stay in their home.</p>

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<p>I always thought I would want to stay in my own home, but I often wonder if I really will if my husband goes first. I think it all depends on how active I still am. I’m fairly social and can get lonely very easily. There are some really lovely retirement facilities, and…well, I guess I just don’t want to be lonely if I’m the last one to go. I’d rather be around people. My aunt lived in an assisted living facility where she had her own apt. type room, where she could be alone. they have all these activities if you want to join. At 55, my life is so different than 10 years ago when my kids were still in grade school. i was always out and about, even in the neighborhood…we were all out until dusk and time to take the kids in.</p>

<p>Now, it seems I have to carve out and make “dates” to see friends, no one just is out anymore, as we don’t have to be. What will it be like in 30 years with declining health, and maybe not being able to drive…friends passing away, etc. I don’t want to be stuck alone in my home, however familiar and comfortable it might be. I need to be among people.</p>

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<p>I’m with you Conmama, as much as I think I would be very lonely living by myself and not having the people contact as we age. Maybe part of is seeing my mom live alone in her apartment, being stubbornly independent till she was 92, but after moving into a retirement facility, she has blossomed and become so much more social. She has her own apartment, meals and housekeeping but can ask for more help and services as needed. Walking in the facility it feels like a cruise ship with lots of daily activities you can participate in or not.</p>

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<p>This is the plan my FIL had. Except MIL got cancer, went thru chemo, and then went on hospice care, and he was her caretaker for a couple of years thru all this. And because he never planned on needing help, he steadfastly refused help he/they desperately needed. Now, with his knees, back, and executive function long since shot, he is living alone in a house with the laundry in the basement, and where there is no public transportation. He is not managing his health care well, and is getting more calls from charities asking for his money. At some point soon, the kids are going to have to intervene to get him help, and it won’t be pretty.</p>

<p>So you can plan on whatever you want, but life happens. If you realize you need more support and are able to manage your life to get that support, great. But I need a plan for what happens when I can no longer manage my life. The first step is admitting that there may come a time when I can no longer manage my life. </p>

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<p>My girlfriends and I have started talking about this stage when it comes, as we’re currently dealing with our older parents (in various stages of need). It’s something we discuss for about 15 minutes, but then because it makes us scared and sad…we move on to drinking more margarities, gossip and discussing the pros and cons of plastic surgery. :)) </p>

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<p>We were very glad my parents had sold their house (all BR and bath upstairs) and bought a condo before my dad died at age 85. Mom is still there, with meals and daily help coming in, at 93. I think she might like an assisted living place with more social activities, but she refuses to consider. In-laws had been in assisted living for several years as FIL’s Parkinsons advanced. MIL moved back to an independent apartment after he died, OK for now at age 89. She is a short drive from us so we can help out.</p>

<p>I would like to stay in our home for about 20 more years (maybe winter in FL) then move to a continuing care type of place. There are some near here with very nice facilities that we toured with MIL, although we may move to one nearer children when that time comes. My last remaining sibling near my mom has moved away which makes it much harder for us to keep an eye on her.</p>

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<p>Both my sister and I have had to deal with seriously ill husbands in the past year. A third sister is single. We sometimes joke about being Florida Golden Girls. </p>

<p>I prefer the alternative of all living near to each other – with spouses – after a retirement in a walkable Florida community. It is unlikely my daughters will ever move back to hometown. And as I get older realize how much my siblings are my closest companions.</p>

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<p>Nursing home isnt the end all and be all either. My SIL wanted to put my MIL in one nearer to her for conenience’s sake but after consulting with my husband she decided not to. My MIL didn’t want to be in a nursing home, her reasoning was she didn’t want to be surround by old people.
Plus her home is where she had been living for 40 years, why move her. Plus there are cases of elder care in nursing home to. Hiring companion to come in is also an option for those who wants companion. I might get a dog or a cat if I get lonely for companion.</p>

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<p>I don’t think a nursing home is the first choice for anyone. But if someone needs assistance to eat, dress, walk, use the bathroom, everything every day, and you run out of money to pay for 24-hour aides, Medicaid will pay for a nursing home.</p>

<p>Unfortunately elderly people are more likely to end their lives as helpless as they were when they were babies, rather than keeling over at a convenient time.</p>

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<p>There is no ONE best option. More resources just give you more options, so you can pay for the care and things you want and need. Many WANT to live in their own homes for sentimental reasons and because moving IS difficult. </p>

<p>There are pros and cons to aging in place, AL, SNF, and NH. There is also a range in quality for each of these choices. If you have more resources, you can afford TP consider more options, including potentially live-in help, remodeling so you can have live-in help, making your dwelling more accessible, hiring taxis, etc. </p>

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<p>It’s hard to plan for the unknown. What if you develop Alzheimers? I’m very much a planner and the whole aging/retirement thing has me stumped because there are so many variables - particularly when approaching the issue as a couple. My husband’s father did develop Alzheimers and passed away in his late 70’s. In the final years he went from having a part-time aide, to a full-time aides, to being placed in a memory care facility. It was a horrific way to go. My husband seems to me to have some memory lapses already at 57. He was tested by a neurologist recently who declared his memory to be fine for his age. Maybe I’m just over reacting to normal “senior moments”. But It makes me nervous and unsure how to plan for retirement. </p>

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<p>HImom- actually never gave it a thought to have part of the house for live in help- our house is actually very easy to use that way- how interesting- another good option I never thought of.</p>