<p>My MIL had dementia but not Alzeihmers. My husband had to repeat some stories a few times but she was not bad that she didn’t recognize her relatives.</p>
<p>I know it will take concerted effort to part with my ‘treasures’ to get home ready to appeal to a buyer - which is years down the road. We need a storage building out back to move ‘stuff’ out. However H who was originally liking the idea has now decided he doesn’t want. We have a great spot in back that doesn’t spoil the look of our lot. </p>
<p>So I guess once I am back to working, maybe some direction will come. I will probably be in a better mood to be in a toss mode. And I can probably also convice H for us to buy a storage building and move some stuff. </p>
<p>Hope estate home will sell soon.</p>
<p>Have to think good Karma. </p>
<p>If I die before H, he can do what he wants, and vice versa.</p>
<p>Not sure where kids will ‘land’. They are still completing UG degrees.</p>
<p>We retired to a one story house in a large city in Tampa, FL. Finances no problem (especially since we tend to be frugal). The lady we bought the house from was in her 80’s. Her H had died a few years ago and she went to live with her D. We’re in our early 60’s, both physicians- meaning we know something about health issues et al. We are old now but not yet elderly. Assuming we both live to be elderly (3/4 grandparents and 1/2 of parents for me died in their 50’s- only knew curmudgeonly GF and now F…) we’ll figure things out- give us another 20 years.</p>
<p>My F lives in the ranch house I grew up in, still goes to the basement to do laundry, mows his lawn and gets some help with snow at 88. At least he is willing to move if he feels he can’t handle things anymore- his generation dreaded nursing homes. He knows some former neighbors who went to apartments. None of his kids could tolerate having him live with them. I’m glad I’m a very long distance from him (talking on the phone is the best way to relate to each other).</p>
<p>Son 3000 miles away, I can’t see moving to where he is currently (we had considered his city for retirement before he moved there but Pacific NW weather…). IF he settles down in a city “forever” we could end up being near him when we are not as independent- but the weather would have to be awfully good… We downsized once and can do it again. If either of us dies- who knows? We really like this place- can spend time doing nothing (reading/computer) or just enjoy the backyard view- pond/woods.</p>
<p>SOS… Do NOT plan on storage space, get rid of stuff. We did keep some classic children’s books, Duplos and Legos since they would be hard to replace about 3 bins worth. We also have a couple of bins of son’s stuff since he is still young. I’m hoping my F gets rid of a lot more stuff before we kids will need to do it. Moving meant justifying getting rid of some stuff we weren’t fond of or ever going to use again- no longer having a lot of storage space and paying to move everything was a great excuse. We were able to part with furniture as well, keeping only what we wanted to use. Tastes change over the decades and we simplified. The next move I’ll part with a lot of kitchen stuff I rarely use- by then I know I won’t try to cook/bake much at all.</p>
<p>Very rarely have I seen people who steadfastly want to age in home recognize when it’s time to get more help. </p>
<p>Seeing my own mom dealing with this now I realize that even though I’m only in my late 40’s I need to make sure I have the money to retire in a nice facility. I live a bit rural now and it would not be practical to stay here. Not to mention I really don’t like the nov - march gray skies and colder weather. I plan on taking the next few years to check out different areas in the south and perhaps make the first step of having a second home down there in a golf course community. The problem now is we’ve realized we’re too young for a lot of these places in Florida. Naples anyone? Is anyone under 70 there?</p>
<p>If my hubby went before me I’d for sure want/have to move. I couldn’t keep up this big house and yard and I’d be lonely here. I’d want an apartment in an independent living place that had shuttles, activities for when I’m more active, then more help as I age. I practically want to find it now seeing how disastrously it’s working out with my own mom.</p>
<p>We can all hope we’ll just die in our sleep one day never having health issues, but I doubt that’s a practical plan.</p>
<p>I agree it’s hard for older people to recognize it’s time to move. We bought our house from a lady in her 90s. She lived in the house for 40 years. Her children had to force her out of the house. It wsa in a bad shape. She could no longer take care of it. Her children were sure workers were taking advantage of her. I plan to move while I am still “young”.</p>
<p>I will always remember the day my then almost 90 year old grandmother told me that she was not going to get her driver’s license renewed on her next birthday because she did not feel safe driving herself. I went home and asked my dad if he was OK with that. He was totally taken aback and surprised. (I think grandma intended for that to be the way my dad found out…)</p>
<p>He was OK with it, even though it meant he needed to take her places she would have normally taken herself. I think he realized it was easier to do that than to try to make her stop driving if she didn’t want to stop. She lived 2 weeks past her 101st birthday and was home and healthy until the last 5 months or so.</p>
<p>It taught me an important lesson in how to age safely with dignity and on one’s own terms (as much as possible.).</p>
<p>There’s a large, very nice continuing care retirement community near where I live. That’s the place I want to call home starting in my 70s (which are now not so far away). I don’t care if I never use the assisted living or nursing home services – part of the appeal is simply that there are lots of activities for the people in the independent living apartments, which I think is much better than the loneliness many older people experience in their own homes. </p>
<p>We can afford this, but I don’t think I could talk my husband into it. It’s apartment living and it means being surrounded by other seniors, and I don’t think he would like either of those things. </p>
<p>I think I probably have an unrealistic vision of aging. I feel like as I work less and eventually retire, that I will have more time to exercise and keep in shape, and that I will get more fit and feel better. I don’t feel like I want to leave our house for decades, even though it is too big, too much maintenance, and too expensive. People seem to be thinking about getting more frail and less able to take care of themselves, yet I envision getting stronger and healthier. I must be in a fantasy world.</p>
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<p>It’s not that you will necessarily get more frail and less able to take care of yourself, it’s that the risk of these things happening increases as you get older.</p>
<p>My father was completely independent until the end of his life, when he died suddenly at 83. He lived alone, managed all his own affairs, drove, had many friends, and was active in the community. Also, until 5 months before his death, looked after an older sister who was in poor health. We all want to be like my dad, of course. But there’s also a risk that we might end up like his sister, who needed help for more than a decade.</p>
<p>Busdriver11, if only. My dad, who died six months ago at 91, was very active, healthy, thin, disciplined. But at 75 I started seeing differences and once he hit 85, his body started breaking down. Of course there are many years between the ages of most of us here (fewer years for me, after all I am an OLD mom) and 75-85-95, but I don’t think it’s realistic to plan on living an active, healthy, independent life until keeling over dead the day after that is no longer possible.</p>
<p>I work with older adults and notice that age 70 is not that different from 50, but 80 is a significant difference from 70. </p>
<p>“I work with older adults and notice that age 70 is not that different from 50, but 80 is a significant difference from 70.”</p>
<p>I can see that in my family. My parents are extremely healthy, never had any major health issue (ages 74 and 85), but have started having problems due to overuse. Too much hiking, plantar fasciitis, knee injury, foot injury. My dad’s major problem is that he is unbelievably stubborn and thinks all doctors are idiots, he must figure it out himself. I have noticed the theme of, “Whatever you are, you become more so as you get older,” seems to fit. My very obvious suggestions seem to fall upon deaf ears.</p>
<p>My mother lives in a retirement facility that has several tiers, beginning with small detached houses. She lives in one of these, and it’s pretty nice. When and if it becomes necessary, she can move to an apartment in the “big house,” and then to assisted living, and then to an onsite nursing facility (where my dad spent the end of his life). We joke that there’s also a graveyard out back (there isn’t, but there is one nearby). That’s the kind of place I’d be looking for, assuming I could afford it.</p>
<p>@Hunt, I’m curious…did your dad progress through each of those tiers? And if so, how did he feel about that?</p>
<p>It would seem so many transitions, (current home to detached house in community, to “big house”, to assisted, to NH) would be harder on most people than other options with fewer lifestyle and scenery changes. I know a family who went through that, and one of the hardest parts was when the husband needed to progress up a tier, but the wife did not qualify. They were separated within the community and she had to “visit” him.</p>
<p>College4K, I think that’s better than a 90-year-old trying to care for the needs of his or her same-age spouse at home. That’s what my dad did until he was finally forced to concede that he needed help with my stepmother. He hated worrying about the house which was falling apart but past a certain age it would have been traumatic for both of them to move. Fortunately they had enough money to stay in the house with live-in help until he died, and they had me an hour away to manage the situation.</p>
<p>An orderly transition within the same community seems like a reasonable compromise for a situation that has no easy answers. At least if the above-mentioned wife can visit her husband every day without anyone needing to drive. </p>
<p>You can read plenty of these awful situations in the parentscaringforparents thread. My dad often said, “Getting old is not for sissies” (quoting Bette Davis) and it’s not for adult children that are sissies. The last 5 years can often be really, really difficult all around.</p>
<p>My relatives are in their 80s and 90s. We have noticed a huge difference in these last years. They get MUCH more agitated and have fewer “filters.” They are also much more easily upset and get a lot more stubborn. They are also much more easily confused than just a few years ago and hard to follow. They also make a lot of assumptions and don’t understand why folks can’t understand them and follow their train of thought, acting like we should better be able to read their minds.</p>
<p>Magical thinking increases, where they thing things will just magically work out the way they expect without human actions. It is increasingly frustrating planning with them. Whatever they are does seem to increase–they seem to get increasingly impulsive.</p>
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<p>We also need to remember that sometimes it isn’t adult children who are dealing with the issues. It may be an only-slightly-healthier spouse or sibling. </p>
<p>Yes, one of the patients who has been attending our support groups with her H has been in the hospital since 9/28 and is now in the ICU with 24/7 care. She insists she will return home and her H is preparing to do everything so she can do so, including engaging nurses and whatever care she needs. He purchased a king size bed that has adjustments on each side so she can sleep more upright while he sleeps in a more natural position, reclined. It will be a challenge for him and them when she is ultimately discharged, as she had some major health issues even before her hospitalization and is battling non-infectious TB and pneumonia now, as well as her severe COPD. Neither she nor he are young any more and it’s tough as their kids live thousands of miles away.</p>
<p>Several of the other patients who have attended our support group are being cared for their aging spouses as well. It is challenging for everyone, even the “kids” who have their own health and financial issues.</p>
<p>I hope we will be able to move to a CCRC. Not sure DH would have gone for it if not for seeing how his parents coped/didn’t cope with aging in place. Even though there is the possibility of multiple moves IL to AL to SNF, not all residents go through all those levels. And if you do, at least the moves get progressively less complicated (for your kids or senior movers to manage) because you get rid of more and more “stuff” at each move. </p>
<p>I think like most thing you get to decide how you age in your own way. If you don’t like moving you don’t have to move is my philosophy. Yes I might go sooner than 90 but what kind of quality I have at 90.</p>