<p>This was one major reason why my extended family didn’t exclude kids from weddings and other formal family occasions. First wedding I attended was for one of my older cousins at the age of 8. Had no issues being behaved at the formal wedding ceremony itself nor at the reception which went past 2 am. </p>
<p>Then again, this was backed with the expectation that we were supposed to be on our best behavior or there will be serious disciplinary consequences (i.e. Being grounded for whole 3 months and having to work extra chores outdoors was what happened to an older cousin for misbehaving at 7. Never misbehaved at a wedding/formal occasion again. Then again, that took place sometime in the late '60s when such punishments were considered on the reasonable/light side by most parents of the day).</p>
<p>On the other hand, there was also an expectation on the adult family members and older adult cousins to engage kids like us as full adult participants in the social family occasions precisely to teach us how to get on in such formal settings as older teens and later, adults.</p>
<p>As a poor relation and a latckey kid whose parents worked so late I often ate meals separately from my parents, those occasions made it possible for me to learn and practice formal dining etiquette. </p>
<p>Even when I was in the midst of my pre-teen rebellious phase and sometimes deliberately misused/misplaced a kitchen utensil to get a rise out of some of my more stuffy uncles/aunts.* :D</p>
<p>Made transitioning to dining with my supervisors in company lunches/dinners easy and with dates…dining etiquette was at least…not a source of serious embarrassment as it seemed to be with past dates or their male siblings in my age group. </p>
<ul>
<li>My attempts to stick it to stuffy upper-middle class norms.</li>
</ul>
<p>We attended a wedding reception last August where my 12-y.o. niece was the life of the party. She made music requests from the DJ and got the crowd up on the dance floor. The reception would have been a complete bust if they had followed the “adults only” policy. (Incidentally, this was the same reception where the venue had a sign in the entrance stating “No Guns Allowed.” Whew! such a relief! Fortunately there were no mechanical bull escapades. :D)</p>
<p>I agree that kids need exposure to “nicer” settings and to learn how to behave in certain occasions - but that’s the parents’ job to facilitate, not the bride/groom’s job. And it’s one thing to expect a 9, 10, 11 yo to sit nicely and quietly at a formal dinner, etc. - and quite another to expect a 4 or 5 yo to do so. And having your kids have exposure to “nice” settings isn’t incompatible with sometimes wanting adults-only conversations and situations where you don’t have to be distracted by attending to your child.</p>
<p>My “kids” (16, 19 and 21) weren’t invited to H’s cousin’s kid’s wedding last weekend. I was surprised, because I knew that the grandparents of the bride (H’s aunt and uncle) wanted to see the kids. However, it was really a blessing because they would have been so bored!</p>
<p>Over the last few years, I’ve attended 6 or 7 weddings. They were all hotel banquet room types, primarily in the Midwest, but one was on the Chesapeake and one in Key West. At each of them, the young people didn’t seem to care if they had a partner to dance with. They just all got up and danced in a big group. And, it wasn’t just the younger set. Lots of women my age also got up and left their boring, non-dancing spouses at the table. No electric slides either!</p>
<p>The youngest guest at the last family wedding I attended was only around 3-4…and he was with a group of other 3-7 year olds. Funny part was their behavior was exemplary even by adult standards. </p>
<p>In fact, better than a few 40-50something guests who tried and were shut down for talking over other guests or otherwise acting like boors by a few aunts. </p>
<p>Even got to dance with a few of those young kids along with a woman who sat at my table and other adult wedding guests so fun was had by everyone. In a sense, they were the life of the reception/dance floor. :)</p>
<p>Yes! I haven’t been to a wedding in years where I felt uncomfortable dancing in a group - of all ages (and I’m 10 years older than Pizzagirl.) This spring, my cousin had a lovely beach wedding with a nice fancy dinner after. There was a kid’s table for the younger crew. As soon as dinner was over, the music started and everyone was on the dance floor - from age 8 to 80.</p>
<p>I’ve been to formal, sit-down banquet weddings with no kids as well as “everyone at my work, church, related-to-related people and strangers passing by” backyward weddings on both coasts. I have to say that the most fun receptions have been those with kids included.</p>
<p>A family friend recently had her reception in back at her house and the preschoolers and the 7-8 yos led the line dances (cupid shuffle, electric slide, etc.) It was fun and funny and everyone enjoyed it. When the more traditional dances went on, the kids were playing on the swings. As it got later, the kids went home with their parents and the rest of us partied like adults. We left while things were in full swing and I heard that the DJ stayed an extra hour at no charge because HE was having too much fun. </p>
<p>And yet, the actual MARRIAGE was a church affair with dress clothes and quiet vows. That of course, is what really mattered. </p>
<p>The most formal, adults-only wedding I attended I remember for several things: there was great angst because the tux rental place screwed something up, almost delaying the wedding. It seemed like the bridesmaids were clones-every one of them looked exactly alike-they even had the exact same hairstyle. I’ve always wondered if any had to dye their hair or add extensions or if the bride had only long, blond-haired, blue-eyed friends. The third thing I remember is that there was an open bar and everyone got drunk. One of the groomsmen later dove into the pool’s shallow end (in his clothes), hit his head, and had to be rushed to the hospital. He was lucky not to be paralyzed. </p>
<p>I’m sure there are plenty of happy medium weddings too. But I have a soft spot for informal, kid-friendly events.</p>
<p>Just caught up on the posts regarding thank you notes. DeborahT, I think a 13 year old should be taught to send a thank you note. One line is fine, even just signing the pre-printed card would have been better than nothing. If nothing else, sending a thank you note is good manners. And in my book, required. Oh, I don’t mind text or email thank yous, it’s the thank you that’s important. I’ve learned to adapt at 58!</p>
<p>“Shut down” by the aunts? Help me understand the twisted dynamics by which 40 and 50 something adults get “shut down” by other family members. Where do these aunts get the power to shut anyone down, and why do you think this is normal and acceptable behavior? </p>
<p>Or is this yet another example of your far-too-enmeshed-with-one-another family where everyone feels compelled to comment on everyone else’s behavior, and everyone has to be aware at all times about what-other-people-might-think?</p>
<p>If I were in such a situation, I might smile indulgently and think it cute for a fleeting moment or two, but really, I’m generally not charmed by or terribly interested in other people’s kids (unless they are people who are dear to me). I realize that’s kind of incorrect to say because mothers are supposed to act as though they’re fascinated by all children, but there it is. My point is - you wouldn’t know how I felt (since I wouldn’t show it on the outside).</p>
Or karma (well, maybe thats the wrong word- more like interesting twist of behaviors) for being a wedding crasher at someones formal affair and eating their expensive food? I am still blown away by that one…</p>
<p>jym, ever watch “Working Girl”? Seeing Harrison Ford and Melanie Griffith crash a wedding so that Griffith’s character could engineer a business meeting with the father of the bride is priceless. On the other hand, they didn’t stay for dinner, just drinks.</p>
<p>Actually have not seen “working girl”. But DH and I were encouraged to briefly “crash” someone’s bar mitzvah in order to hear the band. We got advanced permission from the family hosting the event, so were not truly “crashing” and we were advised what to wear so we would not stick out (it was a “themed” bar mitzvah and the guests were to dress in line with the theme). The embarassing part, as we tried to stay only briefly and in the back, was that we ran into some friends who were actually attending the bar mitzvah as guests !! I was mortified!</p>
<p>Pizzagirl-you probably wouldn’t have enjoyed this wedding then, since it was all about family, regardless of age. For these people, family includes anyone of any age who’s close to those being honored, whatever the occassion. It’s not about fascination, but the “it takes a village” mentality. It’s been wonderful for me and my kids since my entire extended family is quite far away. I may not be related to most of these people, even by marriage, but to them I am sister/aunt/cousin/DIL and my two older kids are niece/nephew/grandkids/cousins. </p>
<p>At this wedding the kids WERE all relatives of the bride, or at least relatives of relatives, since that’s how we roll. The bride was so tickled by Little Miss that she posted a video of her dancing on her FB about the wedding. Different strokes, I guess.</p>
<p>Heads-up that the (stunning) opening sequence is a sweeping panoramic view of pre-9/11 NYC accompanying Carly Simon’s ode to the city “Let the River Run”.</p>
<p>The “karma” or whatever analogous word you wanted to use already visited us while we were doing the crashing. </p>
<p>One of the older graduating senior friends had to fend off strong amourous attentions of a wasted 50-something librarian. The other friend and I were grateful he somehow fitted the Don Juan/Cassanova type for them at the party so it wasn’t too much of a problem. :)</p>
On the other hand, they didn’t stay for dinner, just drinks.</p>