<p>Any grown man who would use the words “taut” or “curvy” to describe someone your daughter’s age is highly suspect. In fact, I would go so far as to call him a real perv. It is not normal for a grown man to be so enraptured with the figures of teenaged girls. But I’ll bet he’ll never realize his impropriety. Only someone normal would. Be very careful around this guy.</p>
<p>I think, as another poster said, you have to be a role model for your daughter and that means not avoiding this. She needs to see that you will protect her and that she will have the strength to protect herself when you’re not there. I think you have to confront him - in a safe place with backup. Tell him that you find his behavior inappropriate and disturbing - that you don’t want to hear any excuses - that you know what you have seen and heard and there are no excuses.Tell him that you no longer want him near your daughter or commenting on her in any way - that other parents know and that he will be watched. If anyone sees anything else that is even remotely suggestive, the police will be involved.</p>
<p>Beside what has already been said, put yourself (or if you are small, a bevy of large friends) between him and not only your daughter but any wet girls in speedos. Moms with towels… protect them…
gag.
if anybody asks why, tell them. Loudly. Tell the coach first and if the coach takes no action, make it a fuss in front of everyone.
If this creep has one suggestive digital photo of your kid, assume it is being sold in Indonesia and porn sites online. Once it’s digital, it’s forever. Forget that his poor wife was your friend, this creep is a potential hazard to your children and that means more than protecting her. </p>
<p>One thing that might make your slow down a week or so - get your police dept and school district involved before you confront the perv. </p>
<p>There is <em>no</em> situation where a middle aged person commenting on a 15 year old’s body in a speedo (either sex) is within bounds. GAG, GAG, GAG!!!</p>
<p>SewHappy,</p>
<p>Please stop with the ‘tight-knit community’ thing and ‘I’m close friends with his handicapped wife’ stuff. None of that matters. There are appropriate ways to handle this, but they all involve uncomfortable feelings. There is no way around that. </p>
<p>Something as simple as confronting him in private after a meet and saying, “I have seen how you look at my daughter. I know you have taken pictures of her. She has told me the things you have said about her body. Your actions are inappropriate and MUST STOP as of right now. Because of my friendship with your wife, I am starting by dealing with this with you in private. However, if I see or hear of ANYTHING from now on about you regarding my daughter or any other young girls, I WILL involve the school authorities and the police. Destroy your pictures of her. Consider yourself warned. This is not open for discussion. Goodbye.” </p>
<p>Doing it this way describes the behavior, the required response, and the consequences if he fails to comply. It is a reasonable way to start dealing with it. It does not prematurely destroy his reputation. It won’t stir up the waters much. However, if he steps over the bounds even one more time, go the ‘broadcasting to the world’ route.</p>
<p>Your daughter is your first priority. If she feels uncomfortable around the guy, she should trust her gut feelings and stay away from him. Talk to the coach and express your concerns. Experienced coaches have faced many situations, and the coach might be able to offer additional advice, keep an eye on the guy and have a chat with him. Tell your daughter to wear her deck coat, sweats, a towel or whatever over her swimsuit. Never, ever let her get in the car with the creep! He should not be allowed to chaperone swimmers to overnight away meets.
Talk to the other swim parents. I bet if the creep continues chasing after girls in speedos with his camera, someone will make sure that the guy swims a 50 free fully clothed and with his camera in tow.</p>
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<p>ABSOLUTELY agree!! </p>
<p>I sympathize with your situation, sewbusy, but you have no choice but to confront this creep. His lewd behavior may (and probably will) escalate, and it’s bad enough already. I know you’re in a sensitive situation, but I’m very concerned that your daughter and the other girls are in harm’s way.</p>
<p>Unfortunatly wiht technology today there is no way to keep a person admited to a venue from taking pictures and uploading them to somewhere that keeps them safe even if the other swim team dads throw the perv and his digital camera in the pool. If there is a creep around, you and your kids need to learn to protect themselves - be at the deck with a huge towel, etc. I envision a perfect world where school district properties are 24/7 wi/fi blocked. OK, the perv dad could still save photos anyone got a better idea?</p>
<p>He reminds of those dads on CC who contribute to “which schools have the hottest students?” threads.</p>
<p>Men with his problem often exploit your embarrassment, or sense of discretion or shame, to continue to get away with their actions. If you confront him, he will probably deny all and try to make you doubt yourself. Be firm in your conviction and follow through. Also, the coach needs to be made aware of this guy’s actions.</p>
<p>I would also like to suggest that you find a professional therapist for your daughter to talk to about how to handle this situation. Information is important, and so is being able to talk to someone about it. It will help her to be strong.</p>
<p>Recently we attended the “Senior Awards” program at my niece’s HS–not the official one, but the one where the kids give each other the “most likely to get married first,” “Funniest,” “Most likely to become a billionaire,” etc. Cute stuff for the most part.</p>
<p>But then came the “hottest bod” award, and for this one three boys and three girls came out in bathing suits and stood on little platforms while the students voted. It looked like a slave auction. The worst part was seeing a number of fat, greasy, balding, pony-tailed dads (that’s a composite image) whipping out their telephoto lenses and flashing away like a perverse PTA paparazzi. They practically needed drool buckets. I wanted to stand up and shout “What the hell is wrong with you bunch of Humberts?”</p>
<p>I vaguely remember a thread from last year, where some CC dad wrote very descriptively about the girls’ “taut curvey” bodies in a similar contest at his own daughter’s HS. Several other CCers took him to task for it, which I thought was silly at the time, a bunch of Church Ladies sitting around clucking with too much time on their hands. What a bunch of squares, I thought.</p>
<p>But after having seen these horndog dads in action at our niece’s school, I’ve rethought things, and my sister is going to take this issue up with the school board. “Hot Bod” contests have no place in a high school auditorium. Does anyone remember the name of that thread from last year? I want to print it out and give it to my sister before she speaks to the school board.</p>
<p>Woodwork:
I remember that thread, but not the exact name. I think it was deleted. The mods must have thought it was inappropriate too. It definitely made me squirm.</p>
<p>This man has a daughter. He is making young women uncomfortable and their parents are doing nothing out of “politeness.” </p>
<p>How is this complicated? I suspect you know what needs to be done but are dreading doing it. That is totally understandable but it doesn’t change your role.</p>
<p>Why are we asking our daughters to cover up their bodies like it’s THEIR fault they’re being gawked at by an utterly inappropriate adult? They’re athletes at a competition! </p>
<p>Agree that OP’s D needs reinforcement to trust her gut and continued support for sharing what happens. We all need to be reminded it’s OK to tell. </p>
<p>Ya know, I think I’d talk to the coach. Let the coach make some general comments about personal safety and awareness and of the need to let someone know if something seems out-of-line. I would not make any reference to the scuzzy dad. Folks might come forward and corroborate, and then the coach can probably (at a minimum) get the guy banned from the pool. If coach is a school employee (vs. a private team/club coach), he/she may be a mandated reporter. I’m just thinking that this may be an opportunity for the coach to reinforce “trusting your gut” without making accusations.</p>
<p>OP’s mom can always confront the scuzzy dad separately.</p>
<p>I think I need a shower.</p>
<p>If this is a school team, I think you should request a meeting with the coach and the principal, and then lay out the situation and let them deal with it. If a private team/club, then meet with the coach and ask him/her to give the safety talk to the girls on the team and speak to the guy and tell him to act appropriately.</p>
<p>I know you don’t want to tell your H, but I think you need to. This is an issue involving your D’s safety and could turn into a larger issue, so really you should tell him, even if it is awkward. You want to model the appropriate way to handle such an issue to your D, and not telling Dad is, in a way, akin to keeping a family secret and is in effect playing into the guy’s hands by keeping this quiet.</p>
<p>You should not allow your D to go to this guy’s house or ride with him and his D. It will be awkward, but you have to put some boundaries around this. </p>
<p>I am very sympathetic to how difficult this is: my D had a favorite high school teacher who was a mentor to her, but it turned to an inappropriate amount of attention. It has been an ongoing issue all through her college years. (In her case, she thought all was fine and didn’t see that it was inappropriate.) I also did not share most of that situation with my H b/c I knew he would never let it go.</p>
<p>Thanks to the OP for posting this. Just got back from a water polo practice after a swim meet earlier. It made me much more aware of who was in the stands watching. I made sure to introduce myself to each of the dads waiting for their D’s at practice tonight. Once you know who should be there, it makes it easier to know who shouldn’t. </p>
<p>You tend to see the same faces at these meets and games. It just made me think to be much more careful in the future, and less worried about hurting someone’s feelings. I think all parents would be okay knowing that we are all there to help watch out for each other’s kids.</p>
<p>sewhappy, you wrote “We are a tight community. I really don’t want to ruin lives.”</p>
<p>It would NOT BE YOU “ruining lives” if this pervert is allowed to continue…it would be HIM. Also, who is to say that he hasn’t already made a move on another child. Also, YOUR D needs to know that YOU are on her side. Your ONLY responsibility is HER. Keeping her safe and letting her know she is protected.</p>
<p>For goodness sake, speak up, and speak up loudly.</p>
<p>Do it for EVERY child on the planet that has been exploited. Exploitation of children must stop.</p>
<p>as well as the above ideas, I would also coach her on how to respond.
IMO- people like that have to be dealt with immediately and usually it takes a few times ( or a sharp stick) before they get it.</p>
<p>Often the best things that we can do for our children are the most difficult. Being able to do those difficult things it’s what makes one a good parent. </p>
<p>You really do know what needs to happen. If you didn’t when you started this thread, you do now. Another thing to consider is the message you are sending to your daughter by doing nothing: it’s okay for someone to be a perv because we know them and are friends with their family? What would you do if you didn’t know his family? That is what you need to do now.</p>
<p>sewhappy, you probably knew before you posted what everyone here would say. What you also need, I think, are the exact words to say. If I were you, I wouldn’t say things like “You’re a perv and I’m going to report you to the authorities.” That will draw him into a discussion. Instead, keep it factual and stern: “My D has told me you said XXX and YYY. It made her uncomfortable, and I want you to stop saying those things and stop taking pictures of her.” It’s not everything you want to say or do, but he’ll get the message, and there’s nothing he can respond with.</p>
<p>the advice in post #24 is sound, IMO. I can understand the OP’s position about not handling it the wrong way and hurting his family. He is a creep, no doubt but something tells me if she speaks to him and makes it clear that she is on to him , he will curb his behaviour…
Our own community was touched by a situation that involved unfounded accusations against a school security guard whose very job was to use video surveillance in the school. He was wrongly accused of inappropriately watching the cheerleaders…no, not in a locker room or in any stage of undress.
His own daughter was a student there.
He was proven innocent , but not before his life and reputation were ruined. His daughter left the school out of humiliation…
If any of you have ever been on a crowded beach, there are always grown men staring at the young girls in bikinis…gross as it is, I think we as parents need to talk to our girls as to how to how to handle this.</p>