<p>Another voice of experience - don’t discount your feelings or your daughters. When the hair on the back of your neck stands up, there’s usually a reason for it.</p>
<p>When I was in hs, we got a new band director. An ugly, greasy-haired man, who made inappropriate comments when he was with female students. At first some of the girls thought this was funny and they egged him on. But quickly, we all became revolted. I actually changed instruments, from one played only by girls to a section of the band that was mostly guys because I knew I wouldn’t have to listen to the creepy comments if the guys were around. Many of us told our parents that the guy was creepy, but as my mom said to me, “Oh, he’s just trying to fit in.” (It was the 1970’s, no one believed us back then). It got bad enough that the boys in the band were trying to make sure that the girls were never alone around him. Finally, that summer, the band director was arrested for flashing at a nearby mall. His poor wife was very pregnant with his second child. My mom said, “I’m so sorry we didn’t believe you. We didn’t KNOW.”</p>
<p>Well, now we know. Trust your gut - and your daughter’s.</p>
<p>Years ago, I was approached by a young man while I was having lunch in a park. I wanted to be left alone, but he seemed harmless and I figured it wouldn’t kill me to be polite and chat with him during my lunch break. Well, he turned out to be a stalker and actually attacked me on a public train. </p>
<p>That was the last time I felt any obligation to take the polite road, or to go against my natural inclinations. So yes, trust your gut, and teach your daughter to trust hers.</p>
<p>Jesterbouy: Just curious as to why you assume this man is just a Dad on the team and not a coach of the team. OP clearly states in post #46… </p>
<p>" Does anyone know if you can get a restraining order against a coach while your kid is on the team? Forgot to mention he is a part-time coach at our high school. He and his wife both graduated from it." </p>
<p>To me this suggests he is a part-time coach of the team, volunteer or not. And even if he is not a coach of OP’s daughter’s team, he is still a part-time coach at her high school. His behavior is grossly inappropriate and he should be reported to the proper school authorities. Sure, he can claim he was just taking pictures of the team for a scrapbook or slide show or whatever. But in no way, shape or form can he justify commenting on a fifteen-year-old girl’s “taut, curvaceous body.” I suspect the school would relieve him of his responsibilities PDQ.</p>
<p>It’s not clear to me from OP’s posts to whom this man made the inappropriate comments about OP daughter’s body. Did he say this to the girl, using the words “taut” and “curvaceous” – and if so, was anyone else present? (I can’t imagine anyone else who heard these comments – teen or adult – thinking the comments were OK, so if the comments were made to someone else or if someone else heard the comments being made to the daughter, this person would be a natural co-confronter of the man.) And if the daughter was indeed alone with the man when he made these comments, I would inform school officials about it immediately.</p>
<p>The photo issue might not be seen by other parents and school officials as corroborating your concerns. In our community, there are several fathers who are good photographers and who take lots of photos of their daughters and their daughters’ teammates during our sports seasons, both during the competition itself and when the kids congratulate each other (or goof around together) after a race or game; these photos are typically given as gifts to the kids and their parents at the end of the sports season and/or at graduation. There is also a track coach who takes lots of photos during meets and who uses them in the pre-season and end-of-season booklets that team members get. (The photos are also used in a Powerpoint at the end-of-the-season banquet.) I cannot imagine anyone objecting to these individuals taking photos of the girls in their uniforms (although I have never seen or heard of any of these men doing or saying anything less than fatherly to the kids).</p>
<p>My recollection is that most molesters know their victims – stranger assault is relatively uncommon. The numbers I recall (and they are probably outdated) is along the lines of 90/10. If someone knows more current info, feel free to correct me.</p>
<p>Wow, a lot more posts on this thead since this morning when I first read it.
As a teenager and young woman in my 20’s , I had to deal with creeps like this on more than one occasion. I never had anything that I couldn’t handle , but I can tell you I never would have felt comfortable confronting anyone ( at least an adult ) who made inappropriate comments…
I have also had grown men, in public stare and ogle my daughters…once even when my daughter was about 13 with braces on her teeth…I can’t understand how these men can look over the shoulder of their wife, and over the strollers of their toddlers and drool over young girls… It is truly repulsive</p>
<p>I want to draw a distinction between teaching/encouraging our daughters to stand up for themselves, and <em>expecting</em> them to. I don’t expect that most young women in 2009 would immediately deliver a verbal smack to a friend’s father. But it’s an ideal we should work towards. If they ask an adult for help, the adult should step in.</p>
<p>Sooner or later, though, these girls will be grown women and continue to encounter these creeps. It’s never too soon to start teaching them about how they’re going to handle these situations without parents around to help them. Older women modeling assertive self-defense might be an important first step.</p>
<p>“When is a girl old enough to say “NO” herself-to anyone that bothers her- I think she is old enough when she can talk”</p>
<p>I think some men today are more comfortable openly ogling young girls than they were a while back. Either that or I was oblivious. With my oldest, a cute cheerleader, gymnastics kid, I didn’t notice anything going on. The next in line, a 6 foot 130 pound blond, the ogling wasn’t obvious until she was grown. She had no trouble fending it off.</p>
<p>The last one…the ogling started when she had just turned 12. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, especially in Paris. One waiter gave her a piece of paper with his telephone number. I immediately spoke to the restaurant manager. I didn’t want to see the waiter fired but I wanted to make sure he learned about inappropriate behavior.</p>
<p>OTH I had a stepfather who was creepy but it didn’t start until he was older and then it was with various gfs of my sons. My mother just dismissed it as being “cute” but I warned the girls about him. It didn’t go beyond his sticking his tongue out and grinning but it was disgusting.</p>
<p>We have retained an attorney from our friend’s firm who has experience in this area. She will be preparing a document outlining the behavior that has caused our concern. She will have to interview our daughter and me. Biggest problem, really, is that our daughter is so worried about her friend. So hard to know if we might not be over-reacting. Daughter told us last night that other girls on the team make jokes about him when his daughter isn’t around. But she pretty much knows what’s being said. Just a lousy situation. One girl on the team’s dad is a personal injury attorney. Daughter says she thinks they may be taking steps, too.</p>
<p>Have appreciated being able to air this here. It has felt very important NOT to turn it into a big gossip item in our community. I do think that our extremely sexualized culture sends the wrong message to some people who lack judgement. This man really probably is not a molester or anthing really dire. Just foolish and tone deaf. In fairness to him, he has dealt with a great deal of hardship in recent years. Very steadfast during his wife’s serious illness.</p>
<p>To VeryHappy: Yep, I was sitting next to her when he dropped the paper w/ his phone number. It was summer and it was hot but I made sure she had packed only modest clothes. She was doing nothing to attract attention to herself but some men in Paris were pretty brazen in their ogling.</p>
<p>jesterbouy, I sincerely apologize if I’m offbase, but are you really a parent? Seriously. There’s something about the way you write that makes me think you’re actually about 18 years old yourself. And possibly a guy. Of course, you could just be young at heart.</p>
<p>He hasn’t done anything (that we know of) that is legally wrong enough to get the DA to bring charges. But when you are talking about is something that could be life-changing to a teenage girl, your daughter, you can’t wait till he actually molests someone. If you have suspicions, you have to act to protect your kid.</p>
<p>What a lawyer can do is just what sewbusy’s lawyer is doing…collecting facts from multiple parties, organizing those facts, figuring out how to present those facts and to whom. Often the mere fact that you have hired an attorney is a signal that you think the problem is serious and people are less likely to blow your concerns off.</p>
<p>Actually, what he may be doing that is legally wrong is creating a hostile environment. Check out the AAUW website about sexual harassment at school. That’s why I think that it should be brought to the school’s attention, as this type of behavior if not dealt with could result in a lawsuit. Having an attorney collect facts and approach the school is the best way to make sure everyone, including the offender, takes it seriously.</p>
<p>While I realize that it is not a 15 year-old’s responsibility to look out for others, the girl involved in this situation needs to realize that there may be other victims as well. (Who is to say that his own daughter is not one of his victims?) If she or her parents confront the pervert, it may warn him off her but it will not necessarily prevent this happening to someone else. Chances are, nothing will prevent it…but I know she will eventually feel guilty if she doesn’t do something to stop it.</p>
<p>actually words can affect you forever, because when physical wounds have healed, the words still are repeated over and over in your head.
Unless you never paid attention to them in the first place- so they didn’t get it.
But otherwise, yes.