<p>My Ds school does their best to discourage inappropriate picture taking AND THEY SURE AS HEDOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS CAN STOP IT BY A COACH, ASST COACH OR WHATEVER. No cameras at the normal gymastics meets – only exception, local newspaper who knows what inappropriate is. At the end of year show for the students, they wear shorts and T shirts over the leotards. Yes, some people will try to do inappropirate things, but we owe it to girls to make certain it doesnt happen at school. School is supposed to be a safe place.</p>
<p>jesterbouy, there will always be victims who, for whatever reason–and there are many reasons–cannot say STOP THAT. If the man in question is a predator (and I’m not saying that he is), he must be removed from a position in which he has contact with children. It is not enough for sewhappy’s daughter to tell him off, because the next girl might not be able to.</p>
<p>If he’s totally innocent and just maybe a little clueless or self-absorbed, it would be a kindness to set boundaries for him.</p>
<p>jesterbouy, maybe your daughters are different, but mine, and pretty much most of her friends, would have had a hard time, at 15 years old, telling an adult coach that he is a creep. And really, why should she have to?</p>
<p>First, as several have posted, it can be risky for another adult to confront the guy. Lots of bad scenarios can ensue, why would you want your 15 year old daughter in this position? </p>
<p>Second, if the guy is a predator, he will know how to rationalize away his behavior, especially to a 15 year old. I don’t think most 15 year olds are a match for your average 40 year old. </p>
<p>Third, at 15, this just is a job for your parents. Her mom is on here looking for advice because this is a difficult situation where her actions could have serious repercussions. Would you really want to send your 15 year old to deal with this alone?</p>
<p>jonri, I don’t disagree at all about the wisdom of talking to an attorney, but I have no idea what kind of effective advice the attorney is supposed to give. Does the OP have enough to get a restraining order? No way, and trying would be about the most destructive thing possible. Does the perv have the right to disseminate the photos? Probably not, and there’s no indication he has. Is a parent forbidden to take photos of his daughter and her friends, photos to which no one has objected to date, and which are not the subject of any rule at this school (unlike some others)? Give me a break.</p>
<p>Could the OP get the guy kicked out as a coach? In all probability. Simply for asking. Could that get her exposed to a slander suit? You bet, although I think the chances of that happening are minimal.</p>
<p>Law is a pretty crummy way to deal with this situation right now. And it’s a terrible way to deal with the husband and father of friends, at least before you’ve tried something else. Law is how you deal with strangers.</p>
<p>I did have the impression that other girls and parents were uneasy here, too. If that’s not the case, there’s even more reason for caution. Does the OP really want to get involved in a “he said, she said” battle between her 15-year-old and a man whose career and family are probably on the line? Between her 15-year-old and the daughter’s friend, who might not back up accusations against her father? There is a lot of tough talk here, but it all depends on believing the “taut, curvy” line, and the OP’s characterization of photos she has never seen. If the guy says, “That’s outrageous, I never said any such thing,” and he produces a few perfectly appropriate swim team photos from the scrapbook he’s keeping for his daughter, there would be a very ugly fight. Do you think it will be easy to get discovery of his computer? Would you sign a warrant for the police to search his house and take it? I sure wouldn’t, not on this evidence.</p>
<p>I want to make clear: I believe the OP and her daughter. I believe there is a problem here. Whatever is going on, the chance that the father is “perfectly innocent” (as zoosermom puts it) is probably close to 0%. But if you get into a dogfight here, it’s not going to be easy at all to prove that he’s done something worth destroying his life over, even if the destruction has already happened.</p>
<p>“Why are we so afraid of making a scene. Why can’t a teen girl tell an adult, any adult, to not say anything like that ever again?”</p>
<p>AY MEN. </p>
<p>It’s always the harasser’s fault. But it’s a fact that a lot of them prey on the people they perceive as least likely to fight back. We’ve got to teach young women that they are entitled to defend themselves.</p>
<p>Some drunken jerks were making lewd comments about me and my friend at the Bulls game last week. I waited to see if they would get bored and stop, and when they didn’t, I turned around, told them to shut up in my Supernanny voice, and let them know that if they wanted to get thrown out of their $135 seats, they could just keep talking to me. </p>
<p>Dead silence for the rest of the game. Problem solved.</p>
<p>MarinMom makes a good point. There is also the case in S.CA where dozens of high school water polo players ended up with their pictures posted on gay websites. </p>
<p>
[Pictures</a> Of Teen Water Polo Players Found On Gay Porn Sites - San Diego News Story - KGTV San Diego](<a href=“http://www.10news.com/news/15098458/detail.html]Pictures”>http://www.10news.com/news/15098458/detail.html)</p>
<p>I am in agreement with JHS here, though I still am not sure I have even the key facts. Did he say directly to sewhappy’s daughter or to others that she had a taut, curvaceous body? Is there any corroboration by others? Are other girls experiencing similar things?</p>
<p>If sewhappy’s daughter replies, it should be to a specific and new comment, on the spot. Hopefully, with other people also around to hear what he said. But, if he is the coach, he could easily retaliate and then sewhappy would have to escalate. </p>
<p>I’d suggest either:</p>
<p>Option A. Talk to him as I described earlier, describing explicit behaviors that are making OP’s daughter uncomfortable and giving him the latitude to say/pretend that it was all innocent. I’d also ask him about the pictures and let him know that this makes you uncomfortable as well and make sure that you understand what your daughter’s rights are (i.e., did she sign something giving the school the rights to use pictures of her; can she rescind this right?).</p>
<p>Option B: Get lots of evidence, from others as well as your daughter. Go to school. This one makes me pretty nervous as a first step.</p>
<p>So you’re at work, and your boss whispers a sexually inappropriate comment to you. Right in the middle of a meeting you stand up and tell him off. Good strategy? Likely to earn you that promotion? It’s one thing to tell off a stranger at a ballpark and something else entirely to confront someone in a position of authority over you, especially your friend’s father!</p>
<p>This is sexual harassment and should be dealt with by the employer, in this case the school. Doesn’t matter if the guy is being paid to coach or not, he’s still acting as a representative of the school. Without understanding the legal aspects of it (and this is where talking to an attorney is helpful), I recommend writing a letter to the school principal describing what has been going on. I would offer to meet with him/her to discuss it further. I would not offer specific suggestions as to what the solution should be - that’s up to the principal to decide. </p>
<p>Much as I feel for the guy’s daughter and wife, he is in a position where he can abuse the trust that has been placed in him. He has already crossed the line by creating a hostile environment for this girl.</p>
<p>I want our girls to be strong, and I would be thrilled if my daughter, at 15 or 16, would have been up to some of the great suggestions for strong female response here. Some girls would be. But I don’t think you can demand that of a girl that age, dealing not with a stranger (who can be objectified) but with a man she’s probably known as an authority figure for years (i.e., a real threat, a betrayer of trust).</p>
<p>I think it’s terribly unfair to expect a teenager to confront an authority figure that way. (Especially the father of her friend. And especially when the behavior at issue is at least possibly ambiguous as to “evil intent.”) Maybe some can, but not all. It’s too much to put on her to have to deal with it by herself. It isn’t the same thing, at all, as teaching her how to react if some stranger says something lewd to her on the subway or on the street. Or even if this guy had touched her. This is, I think, something that’s for her parents to handle. In any event, even if she did speak to him, what stops him from going on to the next girl?</p>
<p>At least she told you about it. This is <em>not</em> something I want to go into detail about, but I was repeatedly sexually abused by a doctor – a quintessential authority figure! – over a period of several years beginning when I was about 13. I said nothing, to him or to my mother; I was too embarrassed and afraid. He persuaded me, and I told myself for many years afterwards, that it was all an essential part of his examination. I still feel terribly stupid, and guilty, at times, for not saying anything (who knows how many other children he molested?), but it was something I simply wasn’t capable of doing. Of course, it was a lot harder to challenge authority figures 35 or 40 years ago, but it’s still excruciatingly difficult for a lot of kids.</p>
<p>When I was a teen, I worked for my father in a retail business that was a family run business. One of his managers made a lecherous advance on me - I was 16. I told him that I wouldn’t get my father involved (his boss), but that I would go right to his wife. He never made another move on me. </p>
<p>Later on, a high school senior - 17 - started working there. I warned her about this guy. She thought he was great. They started seeing each other. Eventually he left his wife and family for this girl. He later married her. </p>
<p>Even after all these years, I still feel creeped out by that feeling, and I was lucky enough that I felt empowered to speak up and sense something odd about this guy. The sad thing is, I had known him my whole life. I babysat for him and his wife for a couple of years when I was in middle school, we went to birthday parties for his kids. He was definitely not a stranger, and even though he would offer to give me a ride home after babysitting, I always said no thanks - and called my dad or walked. I felt less oogy and scared walking at night in the neighborhood than being with him, alone.</p>
<p>I havent read the whole thread, so DK if this has been suggested yet, but you might consider talking to the school counselor about the situation and your concerns. I don’t know what state you are in but there are situations in which Dept of family and childrens services might need to be contacted if there is any concern for abuse. Now the definition of “abuse” can be very broad, but if he gets a friendly call or visit from DFACS that might open his eyes a bit, and the school counselor might have some suggestions as to how best to handle this situation. It is an awful position to be in, and I am sorry that you are going through it. Do you have any idea if any other mothers/parents have had any similar concerns? Has your daughter heard of any other teammates feeling uncomfortable or having been the recipoient of any unwantd and inappropriate comments? Its all yukky, but in the end, erring on the side of protecting yor daughter is probably the one that will let you sleep best at night. Good luck</p>
<p>Sewhappy, you have my sympathy. This is a sticky situation. On the surface, it seems obvious - either you, your DH or your D must confront this man. But if he is her good friend’s father, and you are friends with the disabled wife, I can see the conflict. How to stop the problem without hurting the innocent?</p>
<p>If it wasn’t a friend’s dad, in an ideal world your D would be able to speak to this guy in no uncertain terms and tell him to back off. But she’s 15, and I can tell you my D wouldn’t have had the guts to do it at 15 - and neither would I, at that age. </p>
<p>Are there other parents who feel the same way? If so, you could arrange a private confrontation with Mr Creepy and tell him what he is doing is inappropriate and it must stop immediately and forever or you will go to the authorities. Keep the wife & daughter out of it, unless he doesn’t stop. It will be harder for him to worm his way out of it if he’s facing multiple adults with the same stories.</p>
<p>The fact that he is an assist coach at a Catholic school makes your other choice the winner, in my book. Go to someone in authority at the school. Tell them exactly what you told us. They will be mandated by law and diocesan law to handle it (at least some good came out of the awful pedophile scandal). They can also keep it confidential. I’m thinking that is the best option.</p>
<p>I’m a little confused about the pictures. At our hs, each team has a banquet at the end of the season and usually it features a video/montage of lots of photos from the season. Our coach has people take pictures and puts the video together. BUT… we don’t have a swim team (or a gymnastics team) so we don’t have the same issues. Is it possible that’s what the photos are for? At any rate, the comments alone are disconcerting enough. </p>
<p>Good luck to you. I know this is not easy, but in the end your daughter will know you stood up for her, she will appreciate that, and when she’s an adult hopefully she’ll have the strength to stand up for herself, and her daughters.</p>
<p>“Makes inappropiate comments about her “taut” and “curvaceous” body.”</p>
<p>Are you kidding me? Is this happened to my 15 year old daughter, it would be the last time it ever did. As a dad, I would make it very clear that if he even looks at my daughter again, it would be the last time. Threaten him? you bet.</p>
<p>Any man who coaches children or teenagers, who would use the words “taut” or “curvaceous” needs to be dismissed immediately. Whether or not he might take this kind of harassment to a physical level is not for anyone to determine right now. The fact is that this behavior is sexual harassment. There should be zero tolerance for this. Would you tolerate this from a teacher? It doesn’t have to be a witchhunt, but something needs to be done, and in my opinion, he needs to be dismissed. If he is so clueless that he doesn’t understand the inappropriateness of his comments, that might bring the point home.</p>
<p>Ever since my D hit puberty, she has come home with stories like this, except, fortunately, not from anyone she knows. She takes public transportation and at least once a week, some old guy in a suit and wedding band would hit on her. Of course, I encouraged her to stand up for herself and boldly and fearlessly “call him out”, as jesterbuoy somewhat tactlessly suggests. But I would neither want or expect her to deal with a teacher or coach in this kind of situation on her own. There are too many ways it could go wrong.</p>
<p>I would try to meet with the offending Dad and the coach at the same time. I’d be very specific, and say, in front of the coach, that he has made completely inappropriate comments to your daughter (repeat exactly what he has said) AND has taken pictures of her. Just stick to the facts-- they give you more than enough to work with! I’d guess that the coach would probably pass this on to school officials as well.</p>
<p>If it’s done with just the three of you in attendance, you don’t have to destroy his ‘standing’ in the community (for his family’s sake, not that he deserves it), and he knows that both you and the coach are on to him.</p>
<p>We had a teacher in HS who used to make us uncomfortable. He never actually said anything, but he’d stare and give us the creeps. A couple years after I graduated he raped a female student on an overnight trip. If any of us had spoken up, they probably never would have let him go as a chaperone. You should also be glad that you have such a good relationship with your daughter, and that she feels comfortable coming to you with her concerns. Good luck!</p>
<p>I’m confused as to why your main concern is the pictures being on the internet. This man lives with a teenage girl, his daughter. He’s had acccess to many other girls. He’s made lewd comments yet the photos are what you find most disturbing? If I understand correctly, your child is wearing a bathing suit in the photos.</p>
<p>I"m not defending him taking pictures that make the kids feel uncomfortable but I am concerned that you might focusing on a minor issue in order to avoid the major ones.</p>
<p>So, sewhappy, what did the lawyer tell your dh?</p>
<p>You’re right, jesterbouy, that girls should be taught to stand up for themselves. But there are situations where they should not have to defend themselves on their own, against manipulative, exploitative adults. Words are not always simple, especially when used by a man who is trying to manipulate a teenage girl. I mean, come on, this kind of situation is a problem exactly because it crosses so many social boundaries into an area where there are no clear etiquette rules for behavior. It’s naive to think otherwise.</p>