I’m posting this because I want to know what my options are. My mental health is declining because of what is going on in my household.
I’m a 20 years old girl and I live with my parents while going to college. I have some loans and my parents and me are paying the rest of the tuition (mostly my parents). I got a job to help pay for tuition because I felt really bad and wanted to help them.
My parents have always been really strict and it’s hurting my mental health. They wouldn’t let me talk on a cell phone to my friends until I was 19, and even now my mom gets angry when she sees me do it, so I usually whisper really quietly at home if a friend calls-it still feels weird talking on a phone. I’m not allowed to wear what I want, even if I buy something with my own money. I’m not allowed to go outside when I want unless it’s for school; if my parents don’t know what friend I’m meeting with, they will get angry. They won’t let me date anyone; I’m not that religious but try to do the best I can.
They accuse me of being obsessed with watching shows even though I have not watched one at all this semester (maybe a few Youtube videos to relax sometimes) because I am busy and my homework demands a lot of hours and effort and I want to do the best I can and learn as much as I can. I’m really thrifty with money and don’t want to waste my education. I told them this and they shook their heads and said I needed to go to a psychologist because I’m crazy and have “dark obsessions with tv shows”. My dad called the school to tell them that I was going to be dropping out (he has permission to speak for me on my finances on this form my school told me to fill out) because I wanted to order these $1 cat tights with my own money (they did not like design on it). That’s the reason why, it was just that. I said that I would like to choose what I want to wear now since it’s my body and I would like to make some decisions myself. They dragged me in my chair and I almost fell off the stairs and they stopped dragging me because I started screaming for the police-I was so scared and hitting the walls that are connected to the neighbors.
2 weeks ago I wanted to meet with a friend from high school that I hadn’t seen in so long. I was really excited. My dad came and said I needed to leave right now and he got my things to pack because my friend was a guy and he “didn’t approve”. Later I told my dad that how they raised me is not right and affecting me and not healthy for me and he said “oh I see.” They don’t take me seriously and I’m scared and suicidal because of this. My school does not have a mental health counselor for this.
If I leave, my parents will not pay for college. I can’t afford my college education and housing and food even with my job (and I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on school if I worked more than I work now). I really really want a degree and I’ve been putting up with this for so long because I want to get a degree. I will be graduating in Fall 2018. I don’t know what I should do or who to go to to help me make a plan and see what my options are (or if anyone of you know). I told my cousin about this but I can’t live with her since her dad is my mom’s brother. Are there organizations to get help for this? I’m always applying and looking for scholarships but have not won any yet.
I don’t know what I should do or anything, this is why I posted this. I already know that my parents love me but I want to do normal things like normal people do my age such as go outside and talk on the phone. When my parents let me see my friends I come home and my mom is always in a bad mood because “I’m always with my friends” even though I’m obviously not. With my friends I usually go see a movie or go to the mall (but not buy anything so I don’t waste anyone’s money) or go to the park with them and sit somewhere and talk).
Thank you for reading this and helping me. I really appreciate it.
What you describe is abuse.
Your priority is to get your money to a place where your parents can’t find it and can’t control it; quietly set your important things aside in a way that’s convenient to carry and put important objects + change of clothes into your normal school backpack (bottom of bag, books on top) so that if need be you can leave anyime.
You need to get yourself to a safe place - look up addresses, perhaps ask for advice at the counselling/mental health center (tell them, simply, my parents are abusive, I need to leave, can you refer me to a shelter where I’ll be safe?). One morning, take your things (perhaps wait till they’re out of the house) and leave for a shelter. There, ask for help. Also remove the control your parents have over your financials at the college (you can “un-waive” your rights anytime.)
You could graduate Spring 2019 instead of Fall 2018. In the big scheme of things, it doesn’t make much difference. What matters is getting yourself to safety.
If you are going to an accredited college or university, this is probably not true. If you are actually suicidal you need to get down there now. If you are using the phrase to show how strongly you are feeling, please don’t.
First, your school can’t “tell” you to fill it out, and further the ability to make payments on your account is not the same as the ability to tell them whether you will drop out.
Although I don’t disagree with the above posters I am going to take the contrarian view and suggest that it might not be quite as one sided as you ask us to believe. For example, you say that you went to meet ‘an old friend’ but then it turns out it is to stay with a guy and your dad was mad about that. Of course, you are 20 and a legal adult so it is your “right” to do that. But you have a lifetime with your parents to know that your Dad would go ballistic over your spending the night with a guy friend, and my guess is that you engaged in some amount of sneaking around to pull it off. Should you have to do that at your age? it doesn’t actually matter.
The point is that you have to own your part of becoming adult. You know- much better than anybody on CC- what your parents values and expectations are. As much as you want them to respect your values you have to respect theirs. It appears that right now the trade off is money: they will continue to pay for your college as long as you live by their rules. And you are responding like a kid, not an adult, getting involved in dramas about clothes and phones and going to the mall and sneaking out to see boys. You are 20, not 15, and it’s up to you to take control of your life in a mature and responsible way.
So, go to the financial aid office yourself. Find out exactly what your financial obligations are to finish college and what sort of financial aid options and extended payment and taking a semester options there are. Look at alternative housing arrangements: why wouldn’t your parents let you live with your mother’s brother’s family? can you get on-campus housing?
Be fair and realistic: your parents are not going to suddenly become new people. You are the one changing, and you make your own transition to adulthood easier if you stop blaming them for everything and start taking responsibility for your self.
ps, if your Dad says you should a psychologist you can say ‘great idea- thanks Dad!’ and let him pay for it. It sounds as if you could use the support
@collegemom3717, What OP describes isn’t normal and it’s not helpful to her to pretend like it is or suggest she’s to blame. The advice about finding a shelter and quietly gathering important things (birth certificate, car title, social security card, banking info., passport, etc.) is a good one. Canceling the permission for her college to discuss her business with her parents is also a very good idea.
Running away like that would be throwing away her education and her relationship with her parents. I agree that they are not acting normally, but think about what you are asking her to do. If you can hang in there until you get your degree and then leave immediately that would be best. But, it’s your call. We don’t have the entire picture.
There is usually a counseling center available for students. You should discuss your options to either remain or leave your parents with an objective third party. The counseling center may also be able to connect you to available services to help you get on your feet again if you decide to leave.
Talk to the financial aid office - you would not normally qualify as an independent student, but if you document that you are fleeing abuse, you may get independent student status by professional judgement. This would allow you to qualify for financial aid independent of your parents. But, just because your financial need increased due to independent status, you may or may not get all the aid you need, if your school does not meet full need. You need to talk through whether you would be able to continue in school with someone who knows the policies and budgets of the school you are attending.
@collegemom3717 To be clear, OP said she was trying to just meet with a male friend, not sleep over his house. Apparently her Dad won’t even allow meeting for coffee if it is with a man. I think she sounds like she is concerned with 15 year old things (movies, the mall), because her parents are trying to control her like she is 10 years old. She just wants a 15 year old’s level of freedom and since she hasn’t had that, it is hard to progress to thinking like a 20 year old.
I think the @AroundHere advice is spot on. Take the time you are at school, OP, to check out all your options and form a plan of escape.
When someone says they are suicidal, believe them. This OP refers to mental health issues four times in her post.
OP, get some help in whatever way you can. I would be very surprised if your school doesn’t have a Student Health office or a Wellness office. But if not and you are having suicidal ideation, go to the emergency room.
Leaving home and being on your own. You may not get your degree and may get into more hardship then you currently are.
Staying with them and following their rules as the price for your education.
Only you can decide what works better for you. They seem to care about you but have cultural differences and fear of assimilation that makes them strict and controlling.
If I were in your shoes, probably I’ll lay low, dress modest, keep female friends, gain job skills and concentrate on an early graduation. After that I’ll get a job, move out and live my life my way. Until you are living in their house and spending their money, you’ll have to treat them as employers and respect their stupid rules. Once you are independent, you can renegotiate or end this relationship.
Talk to someone at school. Start with the Counseling center…if you aren’t sure if you have one, then search on your college’s website…or talk to a Professor and ask. Or make an appointment with your adviser or the Dean of Students.
Realize it isn’t you, it’s them. You seem like a normal 20 year old.
LIke @WorryHurry411 says, you may have to decide if A) You can put up with the nonsense for a couple more years so your school is paid for by them. You can think of it as they owe it to you for being bad parents. You can also try to live by their rules but be out of the house as much as possible…get a seasonal job over Christmas or the like. or B) Try to get out of their influence now. It will be more difficult for you to get your degree.
I too agree that plotting your escape while you let them pay for your schooling may be the way to go. Talk to a counselor at school so you understand how to deal with them.
If somebody was the victim of physical abuse, say, being punched in the face or thrown into walls on a daily basis, would you tell her to stick it out for two more years?
Because psychological abuse is as severe as physical abuse, and researchers have found it is even more pernicious.
Taking a semester off to get better - considering this student is well organized and studious, and will do her utmost to return to college to graduate once the problems are resolved - is thinking long term : making sure she can start recovery, turn things around, save money, and become independent.
@FilmerMom, all we have to go on is that the OP said that her Dad “got my things to pack”- which doesn’t sound lik a cup of coffee in a cafe.
@austinmshauri, “What OP describes isn’t normal” is your ‘normal’, not the OPs; I can’t say what is or isn’t normal in her household. I can agree that it is not desirable, or inside the norms of my culture- but I don’t know hers. And I am not in any way saying that she is to blame for the situation- just that her actions (as reported here) won’t get the change she wants, and that if she wants it to be different, she has to make it happen (using help from the school counselor, finance office, relatives, therapist, etc).
Your advice is solid though it’s a different approach than mine. OP is a girl who grew up in an overly sheltered and protective environment and not facing any serious abuse but stupid cultural restraints by paranoid parents, leaving home without any employable skills, money or maturity to live on her own, may not be be the wisest route. I’ll stand by my approach even though I agree that it’s less than ideal.
I understand your point (as you explained it beyond this quote) but some relationships do more harm than good and are not worth preserving. How much value do you place on them if you become suicidal as a result?
It sounds like the OP is at or near the point where she feels she can’t “hang in there” any longer under the present circumstances, and IMO, everything should become secondary to getting the help she needs now, not later. Throwing away a relationship like this (toxic) and delaying getting her degree is better than the alternative if she reaches her breaking point.
My comprehension isn’t that good but it seems to me that she was at her friend’s house or somewhere else and her father started to pack her things to take her home. Not that it was justified, any reasonable person wouldn’t humiliate a child in front of her friends even if they were out of line but then again it’s a diffrent culture and we don’t know the etiquette. Parents in our Asian culture can be very controlling as well, even very well intentioned ones.
@FilmerMom, packing her up to bring her home and packing her up to throw her out are indeed very different circumstances. I hadn’t considered the latter, so thank you for the additional perspective.
My parents were like that. Talk to the financial aid office and see what your options are. A student loan would cover room and board so you could live on campus. Are you on your parents’ insurance plan? You probably have an insurance card. On the back should be a number to call to find out what mental health providers are on the plan. Some insurance companies offer counseling over the phone. You definitely need counseling. I had to go because I was in a similar situation. My dad held my tuition, car payments, etc. over my head to control me. Everyday I feel so thankful to be 42.
