<p>I am hoping I can get some other folks’ opinions here. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable. My father passed away last week, and my 15 yr old son has been pretty sad about the whole thing. He lost his other grandfather just 8 month ago, so it has been a pretty bad year for him. </p>
<p>In any case, my son has one best friend, with whom he spends almost all of his free time. We are also good friends with this boy’s parents. The parents of this boy, who is 16, ground him frequently for various reasons, from bad grades to fighting with his younger brother. Of course, whenever he is grounded, my son has no one to hang out with. (He goes to a high school some distance away, so none of his school friends live nearby). Well, as luck would have it, my son’s friend is grounded again. So, to make a long story short, my husband texted the father of this boy to ask him if he could see fit to release his son from being grounded sometime this weekend to hang out with my son, since he is so sad about losing his grandfather and could use the company. Well, I lost it. I felt my husband was crossing a line interfering with another family’s discipline of their child. I thought it was selfish. My son also frequently complains whenever this other boy is grounded that it punishes him as much as his friend, since he doesn’t have anyone else in the neighborhood to hang out with. I always tell him that that is HIS problem, and if he puts all of his eggs in one basket (the singular friendship) that’s what happens. How the other family chooses to discipline their son is none of our business.</p>
<p>Exactly. And my husband 99% of the time agrees with this. But in this instance, he seems to feel it is appropriate to ask another family to bend their rules and let their son off restriction to “be a good friend” to our son. I think that this type of gesture should come naturally, and not be one that needs to be requested. Frankly, my husband did the same thing when his father died earlier this year, since the same friend was grounded then. I didn’t say anyting then since my husband had just lost his father, and I was treading lightly. But now it’s MY father, and I don’t feel I need to tread lightly. </p>
<p>The other family hasn’t responded to my husband’s first text requesting that the friend be set free for a bit over the weekend, nor my husband’s follow-up text saying never mind, his first text was inappropriate (sent under protest to pacify me).</p>
<p>In light if the recent death and your son’s sadness (to be expected and perfectly normal), I would have done the same thing that your husband did. </p>
<p>I just don’t see anything wrong with asking the parent of the fiend. Now, if he had demanded that they allow their son to come over, that would have been wrong, but it is my understanding from your post, he simply asked the parent. I don’t see what’s wrong with asking. He didn’t say that the other parent was wrong to ground the son and (based on what you wrote) he didn’t tell the other parent that they were wrong for not allowing their son to visit with your son. He simply asked a question of them. I think he did what many other parents would do. We do what we think is best for our children and your husband believed that it was best for your son to have some companionship this weekend. </p>
<p>My 2 cents.
And I am very sorry for your recent losses.</p>
<p>I think it’d be okay to invite the friend over to do something special with all of you and maybe even say you want to do the activity to help cheer up your S due to his loss, but I wouldn’t say anything at all about the friend’s punishment and if the parents responded saying he can’t because he’s grounded I’d just accept that and not plead. From the first request the way I phrased it I’d expect the parents might possibly let the friend out on their own without needing to be asked to lift the punishment.</p>
<p>Even though I agree with you and think explicitly asking to forego the punishment isn’t the right thing to do, I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world either given the circumstances. If I was the punishing parent and received that request given the circumstances I’d be annoyed at most but not angry. I might not even be annoyed.</p>
<p>If your S digs a little deeper, is there some other friend he can do something with? Maybe just going someplace your S likes or doing something he likes and inviting the other person along?</p>
<p>Oh, emeraldkitty, my husband and this boy’s father, who are very good friends, text all the time! </p>
<p>It is good to know that GladgradDad and bookreader don’t think the request is excessive. Perhaps I overrreacted. Perhaps I am just extra sensitive since my husband and I have had numerous conversations about how our S needs to branch out with friends in the neighborhood, and here he is reinforcing the fact that this is the only friend in the neighborhood our S has. (He does have other good friends at school, though he can’t see them without a ride!). I also just feel that a family’s discipline of their own child shouldn’t be interfered with, and that my husband’s request could be interpreted as “guilting” them into letting their son hang out with my son.</p>
<p>This is a really special and unusual circumstance, so I think your H was acting perfectly reasonably, and your reaction was completely off the charts. If I’d been the recipient of that request, I would not have been annoyed and would have immediately responded in the affirmative. But it’s not normal for a kid to be constantly punished–you have to wonder if his behavior is really that bad (in which case it does seem your son would benefit from expanding his horizons), or if the parents have unreasonable expectations and /or hot tempers, in which case I feel bad for the kid.</p>
<p>I know when my mother died, I reacted very emotionally strongly to a lot of things. My thought when reading your post was that your husband acted reasonably. It would be different if you weren’t good friends with the parents. But you are. And maybe they can gracefully find a way to hold a line with their son while also allowing him time with yours. If not, it’s clear you will respect their decision regarding their son.</p>
<p>Frankly, I would have been tempted to do the same thing your husband did.</p>
<p>I think it’s fine since the fathers are close friends. I do think this would have been much better done by voice call than text. This type of conversation needs tone of voice, etc.</p>
<p>Since this is a time of mourning, I’d let the ‘only one friend’ issue rest for a bit. Let him grieve and when that time is over, perhaps then you can help your son branch out and find more friends.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone – it is good to know that most of you feel that my H’s request was reasonable and that you wouldn’t feel it was crossing the line if someone made it of you. That was my primary concern, in part because we are such good friends with this other family and I know how hard they try with their kids. I wouldn’t want them to think that we think our needs somehow trump theirs, but I suppose they would also see that this is a special circumstance. I guess I owe my H an apology, and we will see what happens this weekend!</p>
<p>And re pushing the other friends thing, I haven’t actually mentioined that to my son right now during this grieving time, and don’t plan to. There have been plenty of other opportunities to do so since, as I said, this friend is grounded quite a bit and frankly I am tired of suggesting to my S that he broaden his horizons a bit here at home every time that he finds himself with nothing to do on a weekend. As I said, he does have other friends at school, most of them through his sport, and I suppose once he turns 16 next year and gets his license, he will branch out a bit.</p>
<p>As a dad, I would be happy to receive a request to have my kid help a friend who has suffered a shock. There is so little you can do to help, nothing much you can say, so actually being asked to do something useful would be more than welcome. It would also give me the opportunity to talk to my kid about why the punishment was being altered and to impart a simple life lesson about what’s important.</p>
<p>I think your H’s request was reasonable also. It also made a difference IMO that your H and the other dad are friends, otherwise I think a phone call would have been a lot better.
I’m sorry for your families recent losses.
Hope it gets better.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your loss. I think your husband was not out of line; I wouldn’t have thought anything if we’d been on the receiving end.</p>
<p>But I was responding to your concern that your son doesn’t have enough friends. We refer to my sons as the cat, and the dog. Our dog son is happiest in a bunch of people. It’s like sunshine for him. His graduation party was with 3 friends and 60 or so of their friends. Our cat son breaks out in a rash when more than 4 people are around. His graduation party was with his best friend and about 20 more, many of them family. They are equally happy people.</p>
<p>If your son is happy to have a small circle of friends, or just a couple, then you bringing it up is the only source of unhappiness. If he’s not, you aren’t making him feel more secure by focusing on it. (DH has explained this to me. He’s a cat, too) If you worry about isolation, then help him plan a party at your house, for some occasion. Find him a place to volunteer, and go with him. If he doesn’t have anyone to hang out with, teach him to cook, or play a sport together (in our case, tennis, I’m SO bad it’s hilarious), or shoot baskets. Also consider that doing nothing rates very high on most boys’ lists of perfect days :)</p>
<p>I do feel much better about all of this after everyone’s responses. I think I was just steaming a bit yesterday after my H told me he went ahead and made the request without at least talking about it to me first. He told me about it after-the-fact and I have been a bit sensitive lately, considering the circumstances. My S also has cousins who live just a few miles away with whom he is close who are also grieving the loss of their grandfather. I felt that spending time with his cousins could ease our S’s grief just as well as, or perhaps better, than spending the time with his friend. At least his cousins are going through the same thing.</p>
<p>About our S being a ‘cat’ or a ‘dog,’ well I would say he is a cat. One who is more than happy to join in a group activity, but never one to initiate it. And the only times I have EVER encouraged him to branch out and develop at least one more strong friendship with another kid who lives in the neighborhood is when he is moaning and groaning about how ‘unfair’ it is that his buddy’s parents don’t realize 'how they’re punishing him (my S) every time they ground ‘Jimmy’" because then he doesn’t have his buddy to hang out with." To be honest, I can’t stand hearing that kind of victim attitude. I just always tell him that how the other family chooses to discipline their children is their business and though, yes, I agree it’s unfortunate that it has an effect on him, it certainly isn’t something he can expect them to take into consideration! The only thing he CAN do about it is to have another friend or two to fall back on. As I said, he does have alot of friends at school (he and his buddy go to different high schools) but he always says that those are his “school friends” and Jimmy is his “home friend.” </p>
<p>The interesting thing about this whole situation is that the parents of the other boy use grounding as the catch-all punishment for everything. Grades, mouthing-off, fighting with each other, etc. etc. The grounding consists merely of the boys having to stay home and not see any friends - they are allowed to continue to play video games, watch TV, etc etc. And since there are a few kids in the family, relatively close in age, they don’t get too lonely! They can still go out front and throw a baseball, kick a soccer ball with either one of their siblings, just no friends over and they can’t leave the house. Despite my frustration with my son’s attitude about the whole thing, I do sympathize as I am quite certain my son hates it more when his friend gets grounded than his friend does!</p>
<p>I would feel lucky if someone reached out to me in their moment of need. I think your husband’s gesture was loving and kind. I wouldn’t worry too much if it was appropriate or crossing a boundary. The parents of your son’s friend are adults and they are responsible for the decision they make. They will or won’t allow him out as they see fit. But they should have the chance to help you out in your time of need.</p>
<p>OP - your husband had every right to do what he could to make your son feel better. Even though it was your father who passed away, it was his (and your) son who was feeling bad. As a parent, he had the right to reach out to HIS friend in trying to make your son feel better without your permission. </p>
<p>I also do not think the H’s request was out of line. There are many parents out there who let their kids out for special events (someone’s birthday party, school dance, trip…) when they are grounded. To make an exception to help out someone in grief is very legitimate.</p>
<p>If my kids were grounded and we got a text like that from their best friend’s father I would most certainly let them go spend time with their friend. I wouldn’t have even thought twice about it. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do and a big part of being a parent is teaching compassion as well as showing compassion with your children.</p>
<p>Well the opinions are unanimous that I shouldn’t have gotten upset about any of this and I have already told my H so and apologized for getting upset. </p>
<p>Interestingly enough, though even everyone who has responded here feels that my H’s request was perfectly justified and that if it were made of them, they would most definitely allow their child a reprieve from being grounded, our friends have chosen not to. Their S remains grounded and will not be spending any time with my S this weekend. So we will make sure our S keeps busy!</p>
<p>Thanks again everyone for talking me through this and for your condolences. It was not an easy passing for my father, sadly, and has been a very rough time for our whole family.</p>