I have been a member here for close to a decade , and over that time I have never discussed anything quite as difficult for me as this post. My oldest daughter who I have always been very close to as pretty much cut me ( and her sister ) out of her life .
The problems began about six months ago, when she chose to cancel her wedding with fewer than two weeks until the wedding was to happen. A little background : She began dating the young man 4 years ago, and shortly after , made it known that this was " the love of her life " and she wanted to marry him…he was part of our family, we loved him and all of us accepted him and were so happy when he proposed to her ( honestly, she practically pushed the engagement )
Her sister was supposed to officiate the small, intimate ceremony. Our family , immediate and extended were all so upset when she decided to break it all off…there is also an element of infidelity , which likely influenced her decision.
The months that followed were strained with shock, concerns about her mental well being, difficulty getting through holidays.
It may sound as if we , as a family were not supportive, but I can assure you that we all were as supportive as we could be, while not giving her a free pass for breaking his heart.
Everyone was home for Christmas, and there was strain between the sisters , but we managed to have a drama free holiday. That was the last time the two sisters spoke. One made many attempts that went ignored by the one that canceled the wedding…the other was involved in a serious car accident, and wedding daughter didn’t even reach out to her …so not like her.
There was an unexpected death in our extended, step family that prompted me to reach out to both of them ( since there was an estrangement between two brothers ) It seemed like an opportunity to try to bridge the gap and get them talking again.
it didn’t work.
This is an abridged version of the dynamics , but basically, my daughter has not spoken to me, responded to texts ( except one to all me that she is upset with both of us )
I strongly believe that she is seeing a counselor that urges her to cut us off and that is a big concern.
that being said , every day is painful and just eating away at me in ways I cannot begin to describe .
She did tell me that she is sorting things out , and I am trying to be understanding…I just never in any way thought I would be in this situation …
This sounds awful, I’m so sorry. If I were you I think I would reach out just to say- I love you, I will always love you. I’m here for you. I may not agree with every decision you make in your life, but I don’t need to. I want you in my life and so does your sister.
My sympathies. Our son never answers his phone, well maybe far less than 10% of the time. His habits from even HS are to generally keep us out of his life. We keep calling just to know he is doing okay. Wish I knew of a way to make adult children understand it is good to know they are alive and okay. I figured out (again) that he doesn’t want me/us in his life. It hurts.
The good news is in your last paragraph. She is working things out and for whatever reasons wants/needs her privacy. Perhaps she was overwhelmed with the concern and help. Perhaps embarrassed. For you PATIENCE is required. She needs time to heal and without outside opinions/interference/any and every other thing you can think of.
For me it is also disheartening and something I can’t discuss with my sister because she would point out all of the things we did wrong to make him be like this. Perhaps your D feels the same way about talking to you or others even though you don’t feel judgmental. Give her time. It takes a long time for wounds to heal.
Could go on and on. You are not alone. You are still a good mother and person you were before all of this. We need to move beyond our parent/child relationship wishes I guess.
btw- my brother is a lost cause and has been so forever, I talk more with his D than to him (likewise he doesn’t talk to her). Dysfunctional families forever, sigh. At least you had a good relationship until the crisis. You need to stop thinking about her and live your life independent of hers, even though it is very hard.
You will be surprised at how many others have less ideal situations and are coping just as you are. Strength in numbers, you are not alone. Force yourself to believe all will work out- in time.
I am so sorry to read this, very sad. Agree with post above. just let her know you love her and the door is always open.
We have similar issue in our family - young man married - entire family attended wedding - financial dispute re honeymoon gift ensues between him and his parents - he ends contact with entire family. His wife was causing issues prior to wedding, so sure she instigated. It’s hard when someone is so under the influence of another person.
OP, is a face to face meeting possible? Even if you have to travel. Yes, it might be good to be patient but it is worth considering to travel to her and just show up and create a conversation. Sometimes there are no easy answers. Hopefully no one has mental health issues. I know zero about those kids of problems. I will cross my fingers for you that it is something that can be worked out.
As far as you, and coping with the situation as it is for now, my heart goes out to you. There is no pain I can imagine that would hurt worse except maybe losing the child permanently. I can’t think of any way to help you get away from the thoughts of the problem. Even humor is not going to work here. Maybe prayer? I don’t know. If anything, this is not much, but try not to blame yourself too much. You have to be healthy either way. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Is there any chance of you meeting with her and the therapist together? She may feel more comfortable speaking to you that way; if the therapist is toxic as you fear , this could give her a chance to better weigh your words against the therapist’s. The therapist may not be toxic; her advice to cut you off could be because she is only getting one side of the story which is influenced by your daughter’s pain and/or guilt that makes the story inaccurate or biased (been there, done that, and got the t-shirt from a family member in therapy).
@lje62, Hugs to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Life is short, and we so treasure our children… I hope that things will change in time. As others have said, you are not alone… My eldest sister did not speak to our mother or me for twelve years… Because we chose to attend the wedding of her youngest daughter ( a wedding she and her husband objected to). Sometimes people we love surprise us in the most difficult to understand ways. I hope that your daughter will sort things out and that she will realize how precious family is and will come back to the fold. I will be thinking of you.
Estrangements are awful and painful for all involved. I hope your D comes around and that you and other D can weather this time, knowing that sometimes time can be healing. I hope the therapist isn’t toxic but perhaps believes your D just needs some time to process everything.
I’m a bit confused and if you don’t want to address it, that’s ok. As I tried to understand it, 2 of your D’s had a misunderstanding? And you tried to broker a reconciliation between them? But the one D is now not talking to you?
I am sure that the D who cancelled the wedding is going through a really tough time. Doe she (and it could very well be irrational) think that her family is not being as supportive as she wishes they would be. Even if she messed up and the cancelling was her fault, she may need unconditional support from her family. I am sure that you think you are giving her unconditional support. But she may not think so.
Just tell D who is going through the tough time that you are there for her.
I had a falling out with my sister at one time. It upset my mom a lot. She wants us to get along. It’s not always possible. I was very hurt and I needed time to get past some things. I did. I am a very reasonable person and not one to hold a grudge but I needed to not get along with her for awhile.
Hugs and prayers to you. This is incredible difficult. Know that I am giving no judgements. At all.
People can back away when they aren’t hearing what they want to hear from people. My guess is your daughter knows she’s done wrong - infidelity/calling off the marriage/how she handled breaking things off, etc. As irrational as it may be, shutting out loved ones you know you’ve disappointed can come easier to some people than dealing with them when going through challenging times, especially if she has an ear elsewhere in terms of a therapist who may or not be very good. Putting the blinders on and severing connections can be easier than dealing with the pain and guilt.
As others have mentioned, all you can do is continue to reach out radiating just love and a desire to maintain contact and give it time. For the sake of longer term family unity, put away any judgment however warranted it might feel.
This is a sad story and my heart goes out to you. I agree with the others who suggest keeping the lines open on your side so that your daughter knows you are always there for her. I don’t know if it would be too hard for you to do but a text or voice message every few days or once a week saying something along the lines of, “Thinking of you, I love you” might help keep those lines open without pressure for either of you to do more right now.
One piece of advice my mother gave me that I saw her use countless times with my siblings and I…and I plan to use as my children get older: Don’t take sides against your child if they break up with or have a fight with their significant other.
My mother’s motto was, “I love SO1 (or SO2 or SO7 or SO26) as long as you love him. If he hurts you (in any way) or you just decide to break up with the person - I’m on your side.” I know she had to bite her tongue multiple times watching the shenanigans her children got up to in our personal relationships, but I also always knew I had her complete loyalty when the chips were down.
I don’t know if that piece of your story is the reason for the estrangement, but I would remind anyone reading this type of thread that your children’s significant others have their own family and close friends to give them ‘tea & sympathy’ if the relationship hits a rough patch. Within the highly emotional crises found in bad breakups…it can be a huge betrayal for your own family to tell you they support a non-family member over you, no matter how bad your behavior may have been. Even if your child is the one who cheats…remember it is your child who you will want to come home for Christmas the following year - not the SO.
I will be wishing you the best and hoping you and your daughter will be able to reconnect soon.
I think it is right what a poster said above- you are on your daughter’s team.
As we have seen on the midlife divorce thread, there is a lot of a relationship that others don’t see. Who knows what was going on between her and the fiancé?
The only other thing I can add to @socalmom007’s advice is not to say anything about disagreeing with her decisions. Reiterating your love and support is enough right now.
About a therapist. I remember someone talking about their therapist and her advice to them. They did everything right and the other people in their life did everything wrong. X_X
As I like to say, people hear what they want to hear.
Your daughter may just need some time alone, away from people who she knows also love her ex. You all need to heal.
Keep in contact and let her know you are there for her. But also just keep in contact in ways that are unconnected with this breakup and all the heartache. Talk about travel plans, the dog, something funny that happened, etc. Don’t let the time and distance get so great that she feels awkward and hesitant about coming back.
And when she does come back, if she’s with a new person, do your best to just be normal and welcoming. It may be that the infidelity was a sign of a deeper problem, or that there’s a new person who will be around for decades. Maybe she’s having a moment of relief that she ended her old relationship before things went too far and she doesn’t think you will understand yet.
If you don’t want to talk to a adult child that is one thing (been there) it doesn’t matter if you don’t talk for weeks or not, but when you do A DAY FEELS LIKE FOREVER!
I’m assuming you feel like the latter and I hope it changes sounds like she and everyone has been through alot I wish I could say it will be great and soon, but you never know fingers crossed!
fingers crossed!