Hugs. I am so sorry.
What do you mean, you were supportive without giving her a free pass for breaking his heart? What was her alternative? Marry someone she no longer wanted to spend the rest of her life with? I’m sorry it’s been difficult, but it sounds to me like your family may owe her an apology.
I’m with Greenwich on this. If your DD acted out prior to wedding, I suspect she was sitting on doubts for months, at least. She may not want to feel disapproval. As parents, we walk a fine line. We want to show love to the s/o, and don’t express our reservations, unless they are really noticeable. When our kids have a long term relationship in their 20’s, and move towards engagement, let alone marriage, they can feel stuck. It takes tremendous strength to jump off the tracks and admit that going forward would be a colossal mistake. Even if they know we love them, they haven’t heard our doubts, and fear disapproval.
As painful as their withdrawal is, they are partly trying to save us more heartbreak. IMHO
One of my closest friends has 2 adult Ds. She is incredibly close to one. I have never known an adult woman who was as genuinely close to her mom as this D. The other hasn’t been on speaking terms with her for years. For a while, at least both Ds spoke to each other, so my friend would hear about things second hand. Now, the two Ds don’t speak either. My friend is a good person and the estrangement eats at her. But…that’s the way it is…And maybe that’s how it will be for the OP.
On the flip side, I used to date someone who was estranged from one of his Ss. I told him to keep sending his S birthday cards and small presents and Christmas cards and gifts. I said to also send some letters now and again when there was something he’d share with his S, just as he might if they were on speaking terms.
We broke up…but he let me know that after 4 or 5 years of the silent treatment during which he continued to send cards and gifts every Christmas and birthday with friendly letters a few times a year, his S responded. I think it was easier for his S to call him and say “Thanks for the ___ you sent me (for Christmas)” after a long passage of time than to call without an excuse to get the conversation started. The letters, notes and small presents let him know his father still wanted a relationship with him and hadn’t given up. In other words, the young man knew his father would welcome a reconciliation.
My good friend’s experience proves this doesn’t always work, but…it’s still what I recommend.
I’m the mother of a DD who called off the wedding 3.5 months out.
I am in awe of the poise and strength it takes to say to oneself, the SO, family and friends that ‘I don’t feel I should be doing this’.
Through handling her grief and showing her resolve, I couldn’t be prouder of her.
This must be really hard for you. My DS, if he is going through a tough and stressful time, doesn’t contact anyone for over a month (last time was 2 months). I can’t imagine her stress. Even though I suspect this is a very small part of your interaction, I bet she is picking up on the “not a free pass.” My advice is to give her a free pass, she already feels guilty enough. I almost ruined my relationship with my DD because I was angry with her for breaking her boyfriend’s heart. I tried not to show it, but she picked up on it. It was my responsibility to work through.
I thought there was reference to infidelity. I read that as the D was the person who cheated so that was where the no free pass would have been. Sorry I agree with that. There should be no free pass. Yes ending the engagement is difficult cheating is not the proper way to do it though.
Imagine if it was a son and his process to end the engagement was to physically restrain the young lady during an argument enough to scare her to end the engagement. Would a free pass be acceptable if his parents were in fear that not to do so would lead him to be estranged from them. Not in my opinion.
Some actions are not okay. Cheating and inappropriate physical actions are two of those
But @tom1944 I do agree that infidelity is never alright. But the couple in question was not married and it was broken off. I am sure the person in question is not proud of what happened.
But for our children, I think we need to move on for their sakes. I may be in the minority but infidelity before wedding vows is different than once those vows are spoken. Not right either way but different. And there were no children in the engaged couple either.
And if my child was violent with their SO, I would insist that they seek counseling. The child in question is doing that.
Either way, my job is to love my child and give them support. Parenting adults is hard.
People divorce all the time and there is probably infidelity in many cases. Their parents move on and still have a relationship with their child.
You can love your child and still let them know when they behave inappropriately. The child is the one ending the relationship not the parents or other sister. If the reason she is ending it is because they found her behavior of infidelity unacceptable that is on her not them.
Now they should not dwell on it and throw it in her face but they also should not be required to say it is okay.
@tom1944 I think we are going to agree to disagree. But that’s ok, it’s what makes life interesting.
I hope that she will decide to re-connect with her family. It sounds like everyone is hurting, and some of us need to go off on our own for a while to heal before re-joining our previous life.
I do struggle a little with the concept of “letting someone off the hook” for breaking a heart. Broken hearts are a fact of life. They happen. Surely you agree that marrying someone you know you shouldn’t marry can’t possibly prevent a broken heart. That postpones and amplifies the heartbreak, and adds legal and financial complications to boot. Not a good plan. She realized before the wedding that it should not take place. Good for her! I’m sorry she waited so long, but if she had believed for years that it was the way she should go, it must have been very difficult and painful for her to publicly admit to friends and family that she was wrong.
Ask her forgiveness, be patient, and hope for the best.
And that may not be enough. My nephew has estranged himself from the family. We don’t know why, no reason has ever been given. We tend to blame his wife, because he has become pretty embedded in her family. But really, it is his choice. He could call his mother or his grandmother now and then, and it would not have to interfere with the life he has with his wife and her family. It has been a few years now, and we really don’t know that anything will ever change.
One of my D’s taught me fairly early on that she just needs me to be on her team. Not sure if this will come across the right way but, when D had a conflict with a friend, I had a tendency to question her as if I might be taking her friend’s side (I wasn’t, necessarily) and she’d say, “Mom, I just need you to be on Team Collage D”.
Whether or not there was infidelity, based on what’s been shared here, IMO, it’s just time to be on Team OP’s D. The fiancee is not family and, presumably, out of the picture. It doesn’t matter who did what…the D is going through a painful experience and just needs love and support, not any type of judgement, feedback, analysis, etc. Were I in this position, I would consider writing my D a heartfelt letter sharing with her how much I love her, support her and miss her. I’m not even sure if I would reference the fiancee and wedding. I would ask her to be in touch so I could know she’s OK and offer to provide any kind of support she needed. To be estranged from a kid (without any kind of history of challenge/estrangement) would be too painful to do anything else other than to be 100% on Team D.
Last Christmas, the day before her birthday, my daughter ended her engagement to a young man she had been with for 8 years. We did not (to put it mildly) love him or consider him part of the family. Immediately after the breakup, my mother (who was my daughter’s special person in life), was diagnosed with the illness that killed her a few months later. It was a terrible time. We didn’t stop speaking with my daughter, but everything was (and in some way is) strained. She is grieving the loss of dreams and expectations for what her life would be like. Most of her friends were and are getting married, while she is starting over. People can be unkind. She is also dealing with the fact that my mother will never know who she marries and will not see her as a bride. I’m sure your daughter has similar things in her heart, things that you may not even know about, that she needs to work through and grieve. She has to do those things alone, and the weight of your feelings for the former fiancé may be unbearable to her, even though she knows you are on her “side.” Probably the best thing you can do is let her know you love her unconditionally and forever, and remind her that you will be there when she is ready. Have contact in small ways, text her an article that might interest her, have small contacts that aren’t heavy. I know your heart is breaking, I’m sending you very best wishes.
@collage1 Very well stated! I’m pretty sure I’ve questioned my daughter as you described in the first paragraph, in what I saw as “seeing all sides of the issue.” She will say now that she is good at dissecting problems, but I’m sure there were times she needed me to be more supportive.
But more importantly to the OP’s issue…I think this is great advice. I feel for you and am wishing you all the best.
I would keep contacting her every week to 10 days. Too much will be annoying. I would change it up from “I love you and should have been more supportive” (whether you feel it or not), to chatty things that are going on, to “please don’t be mad at me, I want to see you”. Never, ever stop. She’s angry right now, but always remember…that she will remember that your mother’s love didnt stop. She will soften one day and come around, but you have to keep that line open on your end or she might not. I always remember that parents love children more than vice versa. Not all agree with that.
I’m sorry that you and your family are going through this. Give your daughter the space she needs, but reach out to her periodically just to let her know that you’re thinking of her and that you love her. It’s your unconditional love that she needs to hear from you.
It’s good that she’s seeing a counselor. Everybody can use a good counselor at some point in their lives. If your daughter is open to the idea, you could certainly offer to attend some sessions with her with the goal being to work on your relationship with her. It might require both of you having to eat a bit of humble pie. If being there in person isn’t an option because of distance, you could also do it by phone.
The idea of meeting her somewhere in person is a good one. But respect her need for space right now while she sorts things out. If she comes around at some point and agrees to see you in person, that’s great! But don’t use that first in person meeting as an opportunity to give her a laundry list of “here’s all the things you’ve done that I’m upset about.” A time will come to discuss that, but that first time isn’t it.
And whatever you do, don’t do what my dad did and just show up unannounced. That will close a door quicker than just not speaking to her.
I’m not sure if this is an issue for you, but one thing you really need to avoid is triangulation with your Ds. Their relationship is between them, and you should not try to adjudicate it. At least not now! Concentrate on your relationship with each of them, and don’t bring the other into it.
One of our kids has struggled since middle school. Sometimes she gets very irritated with us, and we get the sense that she could be the kind of adult child that turns her back on us.
I know she has difficulties tolerating very strong negative emotions. An easy way for her to manage the distress is to shut down any sensitve conversations, avoid us by being really busy, giving us the silent treatment, or being so rude to us that it works like spraying us with repellent.
It’s not easy to navigate, and it certainly is not “logical”. I’m always looking for ways to express my unconditional love and support, and give her room to figure things out. This includes her making mistakes, large and small, without our comment beyond expressing our love and confidence in her ability to work through it, followed by we’re here if you need us.
I’m making this sound all too simple, and it is so NOT simple. It’s really hard.
I went to 3 or 4 NAMI meetings at the beginning of the year, and got a lot out of those meetings, talking to other parents with loved ones, primarily adult children, wrestling with some sort of mental illness, often with an uncertain diagnosis.
Wishing you the best. Think about the long game! That helps me!
Sending virtual hugs. This sounds terribly painful.
I haven’t had this issue with my kids, but one of my brothers was estranged from us for several years, including from our parents. It hurt my mother deeply. She acted normally and continued to reach out to him, even when he didn’t reply. He finally hit a crisis, alcoholism he could no longer hide.We were all freaking out, really worried about him. Initially, my mom was urging him to seek treatment in a way that B must have found judge-y, because he shut her out. Then she came back at him in a more sympathetic way and he let her back in. It sounds a lot like the post above in which the D just wants to be assured that her mom has her back. (B got treatment and his life is back on track and he is contact with us again.)
Family dynamics can be hard, as someone who is estranged from my birth family (my parents are dead, siblings and relatives), it is likely hurting her as much as it is hurting the OP (and no, not saying this to say anyone is wrong, just that despite what people may think, the person who broke it off may not be a cold, calculating person but rather someone who is feeling a lot of pain, too).
I tend to agree with others, I don’t know why your D is mad at you and her sister, I don’t know if it was she felt like she was attacked for whatever she did, and feels like she was ganged up on, etc, it doesn’t really matter why in the sense that she is having the feelings. Speaking from the perspective of ‘the other side’, I think about all I can advise is to try and keep the lines of communication open, let her know you love her and that you are always here to talk to her, any time or any place, and leave it at that. I don’t know if the therapist told her to stay away per se or if they told her to stay away until they are stronger, I don’t know what happened to the D, but if for example if she had some kind of breakdown or was in a shaky shape in general, and believes the family had something to do with it, the therapist may have advised getting stronger (and this is not a judgement on anyone or blame) before trying to get in touch.
One thing I can tell you with some certaintly, if you do talk with her don’t bring up what happened with the wedding or what she did to the young man, let her bring up what she is feeling, talk about what she wants to, there is a lot of time ro work through the issues that apparently caused the breakdown between you. One of the reasons I am not in touch with my siblings is every time I have tried to open that door, I got the same old family dynamics, living in the past, dredging up old BS (and believe me, it is), and especially guilt and blame, and it made me shut it down again because I am not going to go there, there is no value in that except to try and try and manipulate the other person (me) (and I am not accusing the OP of doing this, just bringing this up as to why I feel as I do).
I truly wish you well, I am jaundiced when it comes to family, but I also know how much it hurts when family members become estranged, it hasn’t been easy on me for a lot of reasons and I am sure it isn’t easy on my siblings part either, so I hope that over time things will heel, and all you can do is let your D know you love her and will be waiting for her when the times is right:)