So sorry to hear you are going through this, OP. Many of us have painful family relationships with one or more people whom we love, and while it is certainly common that doesn’t mean it hurts less. Honesty (with self and others) and family boundaries and life decisions can be the hardest things in the world.
Sending best wishes to you and your family. I hope time brings healing. you sound like scuh a caring mom and I hope for all your sakes that there is reconciliaton.
My friend has a sister who is estranged from her and their mom. Mom just had a 90th birthday. My friend flew 4500 miles to spend the weekend there. Sis didn’t come at all, tho she lives in same city as mom. The grandchildren flew and drove in as well, including the sister’s son. My friend is sad–she wonders whether sis will chose to reconcile ever, especially before their mom dies. My friend can only see nephew when the exBIL has custody. Families are indeed complex.
I come from a large extended family, and there are lots of examples of breaks that ultimately get repaired, but not for a long time. Since the OP and her daughters were all close for a long time, there’s every reason to believe that they will be again. With some people, pushing to force a resolution would be the best way to resolve things, but with others – a category that I’ve learned includes my wife and most of her family – pushing is completely counterproductive. If that’s the case here, step back.
(My mother learned this lesson the hard way with her daughters-in-law. She was not a step-back person, not really capable of it, and her relationships – which she valued greatly – suffered for it. Things came out OK with my wife, but only because I forced my mother to step back and hold her tongue very much against her will, promising her that I would make certain things got right over time if she gave me space. She never did that with my brother’s wife, and the relationship never quite repaired itself.)
People close to me have weathered issues like a 30-something woman accusing her father of sexually abusing her as a child based on “recovered memories” while under hypnosis, an aunt outing her nephew’s regular cross-dressing and sex with men while choosing to present himself to the family as a happily married straight man with children, marriages that were profoundly challenging to the parents’ traditions and ideals. My father-in-law and his second wife sent my wife and me a letter shortly after our wedding telling us that because of bad things we had done they would never speak to us again, and they didn’t for three years. But then they did, with a little nudging.
Of course, some breaks never un-break, and there are a number of those in my wife’s family, and in mine, too, if you go back three or four generations. But this break doesn’t sound destined for that.
Another mom struggling with a relationship here. My son doesn’t want anything to do with me, until he’s having a problem, or needs something from me. Sometimes I feel like I’m letting myself be taken advantage of, but mostly I’m trying to do whatever I can to not make the relationship even worse/not to lose touch completely. I have let many things go that I never thought I would, but I do set some boundaries. It is very hard, and I am hopeful things will get better over time, as he matures and becomes more independent. I do send him texts every couple of weeks, I try to keep things light when I can, and I try to stay positive/not sound judgmental whenever I can. (Often I want to say “what the heck were you thinking!!!” but unless something directly impacts me, or I’m asked, I try not to offer my opinion). I have no words of wisdom, but figured sometimes hearing other people’s stories and realizing others have similar issues can be helpful. I hope you can find a way to work through the issues and have a positive relationship.
Yes, my kids don’t touch base with us as often as I’d like, but they do fly to meet us several times a year, so we count our blessings.
@1214mom, how old is your son?
I went through that with mine when he was in college; but now, sometimes, he’s so chatty that I can’t get him off the phone.
It is good that you try to preserve the relationship. That was my goal when we let him go back to college with a dismal GPA - we weren’t going to be the bad guys if the school was offering a way toward redemption. He graduated on time (over budget d/t summer school) but with parent/child relationship intact.
@mominva, he’s 23, almost a year out of college. I let him return to school with a dismal GPA also, But I “threatened him” about it, which he hated. (I dont know many parents who would want to continue paying for an expensive private school when the student isn’t performing well or working hard).
You know, sometimes I think it was a blessing that my S was on close to a full ride at his college, so that we would NEVER be tempted to use the purse strings to try to control or punish him. It was totally his choice what major he selected, what classes he took, how often he contacted us, and so forth. I’ve seen a LOT of parents here saying “It’s my money so you must do A, B, or C.” I don’t agree with it.
We never attempt to control our young adults, but would love to hear from them more often.
@consolation,
Why not? All my kids know ahead of time if UG only 3.5gpa just like highschool or I’m not paying (of course there is wiggle room in that), but I work very hard as does my wife. If she was able to get a 4.0 MSN degree while being a MOM, working 50hr week, being a wife, cleaning, etc and I was able to get a 3.8 while doing the same being a dad (different field) why can’t they be held to a lesser standard while they have nothing to do, but hang out and go to class?
Traditional college is awesome! Who wouldn’t want to do that for 4 years again free of charge? For most some of the best years of your life imo.
So, yes if they start doing bad, suddenly get 2.0 or bad grades well its not from hard work that is for sure.
((((((HUGS)))))
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time.
I’m not following this? What does this mean? You didn’t agree with her choice to call off the wedding? If so, that’s extremely tough for a person to do (call off a wedding) and I think they would need unconditional support.
Despite whatever the real issues are, something stuck out to me. If her therapist is telling her it’s ok for her not to talk to you for awhile, it could be exactly what she needs. I would have never thought this to be the case until a friend’s kid had a major falling out with her father. Her mother kept telling her to go see him, work it out, etc and she ended up having a breakdown. The therapist told her it was ok for to not talk to her dad for awhile and to give it some space. The father agreed to back off and didn’t call/text so often and left it up to his daughter to do so. It was painful for him but in the end, it worked. She was able to work out her issues and eventually came around, it took about 9 months after she was “allowed” to have her space.
For your D, I might let her know I was sorry I wasn’t more supportive, give her plenty of space, let her come to you. Maybe just send her a brief note every 3 weeks or so to let her know you still care and are there for her.
These things can take time and I wish you the best for you and your family.
“it can be a huge betrayal for your own family to tell you they support a non-family member over you, no matter how bad your behavior may have been.”
This is such tough stuff, especially when there are kids involved and the ex-family-member is going to have primary custody of those kids. I’ve chosen to continue the relationship with the ex-family-member in those circumstances, over the objection of the family member. If someone has been my dearest sister-in-law or stepsister or aunt for 20 years, and a later divorce severs the official family tie, I feel no obligation to end the relationship to please my relative. She’s my adoptive family now. You divorced her, I didn’t. I still want her and her kids at Thanksgiving.
My brother did this to my parents and it about killed them. So sorry you are going through this.
Hugs. I amso sorry
My sister basically wants nothing to do with us (our dad and me). She cut her bio mom out of her life a long time ago (this was necessary- her mom was abusive) but we’ve never done anything to her. It makes my dad angry but I’ve come to peace with it. I have decided that if she wants to be my sister again, she can come into my life but I’m not holding my breath. She is getting married in a few months and I’m not in the wedding (but we’re invited)… she was the maid of honor in my wedding. Oh well.
I am so sorry you are going through this but please don’t try and facilitate between the siblings. IMO, they need to come back together on their own. Having a third party can just make it much more complicated.
@romanigypsyeyes, I’m sorry you and your dad are hurting. I hope your sister will reach out when she’s ready. People can be quite puzzling at times. It is nice that at least your dad and you were invited to sister’s wedding. That’s at least a positive.
She may be very aware that she disappointed all of you and she just can’t deal with that right now. I kind of feel like that towards some people in my life and I just don’t have the energy to explain it all to them or go through the pretense of not being disappointing. It is a version of “It’s not you, it’s me.” In my case, I’m sure I am a minor player in their lives compared to others. Maybe your D1 figures you have D2, who is not a disappointment, so you won’t really miss her.
In my opinion, this is why your daughter is incredibly angry with you…and I don’t blame her.
“It may sound as if we , as a family were not supportive, but I can assure you that we all were as supportive as we could be, while not giving her a free pass for breaking his heart.”
Sounds to me like you were very disloyal to your daughter by advocating for the boy and shaming her for making a GOOD decision. You should NOT marry someone you want to cheat on. Cheating was not the root cause for their breakup…it never is. Cheating is a symptom of a failed relationship. Your daughter realized this and got out BEFORE she really broke his heart and entered into a marriage that would have almost certainly ended in divorce.
Your daughter did the right thing. A very difficult, very tough thing, but the right thing. He was not the right guy for her, no matter how much you liked him. By acting disappointed and shaming her, you’re essentially saying her happiness doesn’t matter to you and that you question her judgement.
And Incidentally? “Infidelity” happens between married people. They were not married.
You can’t give her a free pass for breaking his heart???
You seem to have no trouble writing yourself a free pass for breaking hers.
I don’t know you folks and I could be 100% off base. No disrespect meant…just trying to be nakedly honest. As always with advice from strangers…take what you like and leave the rest.
Although I agree with some of your post, @MaryGJ - the daughter needs unconditional love and support from her family right now - this part just isn’t true: “And Incidentally? “Infidelity” happens between married people. They were not married.” Infidelity can take place in the context of any serious relationship, whether married or not.
I’m thinking a few sessions with therapist for the OP might be helpful - talk over her frustrations and disappointments with her daughter, because they are obviously there, and discuss ways in which she might reach out to her daughter to mend their relationship and provide some support during what must be a challenging time - or even guidance to give her daughter some space for a spell.