I agree that a therapist for OP might be helpful as stated in the post above. Healing relationships is important work!
Difference of opinion, doschicos. And it hardly matters. Wanting to be with someone else isn’t a crime. It’s evidence that the other relationship is dead. It creates movement in a healthier direction.
Which is worse? Being “loyal” to a person you feel unsure about… and stealing the best years of their life feeling luke warm and lying that you love them? Or hurting them dreadfully…while also creating a clear irreversible intent that it’s time to move on?
They’re both pretty cowardly.
In a perfect world, people would end dead relationships with clarity, decency and compassion.
But people aren’t perfect. People are susceptible to the manipulation of others. They’re indifferent, fickle, self involved, martyred, repressed…and a lot of other unflattering things that keep them from being honest. Particularly when they’re young and inexperienced with relationships.
Relationships ended with infidelity seldom backslide. And perhaps that’s what this girl was after…a fool proof escape that wouldn’t backslide. Maybe she felt pressured by her family to be with someone she didn’t really love…and this was her sure ticket out?
We’ll probably never know. But I’m not about to judge her.
Does the boyfriend have a right to judge her? Yes. But strangers, mom, sisters? It’s really none of their business. Blood is thicker than inlaws. And it’s certainly thicker than “almost” inlaws. (or should be)
"Wanting to be with someone else isn’t a crime. It’s evidence that the other relationship is dead. It creates movement in a healthier direction.
Which is worse? Being “loyal” to a person you feel unsure about… and stealing the best years of their life feeling luke warm and lying that you love them? Or hurting them dreadfully…while also creating a clear irreversible intent that it’s time to move on?
They’re both pretty cowardly."
I think most would agree that a third way would be best - breaking off the engagement without being unfaithful before doing so after 4 years of a relationship and an engagement. It’s still infidelity but what is done is done. Here we can call a spade a spade and not pretend it isn’t what it is but, as I’ve made clear in my other posts, the family does needs to give unconditional support going forward to both support the daughter and heal the familial relationships. That I will agree on.
I think the girl did what she had to do…to escape her family pushing this boy down her throat. She broke it in a way that was unfixable, and I think that was her intent.
I prefer not to call anyone “a spade” Relationships are complex and personal. They’re a daily choice. And all of their moral ambiguity sits precisely between the two people in the relationship. And no one else.
One could as easily call the boy involved “a spade” for being willfully ignorant of his girlfriend’s unhappiness and dissatisfaction and continuing to push a marriage that he knew deep down she wasn’t ready for. That wasn’t classy or honest, either.
Add in his sucking up to the family…and it’s downright creepy.
It is better for evryone that this marriage was called off. There is no point in marrying when one of the parties has doubts. Why would anyone want that? Yes, it’s always sad when relationships are broken but I try not to judge who broke anyone’s heart. I’m sure both ended up heartbroken that things didn’t end up as they had hoped. I agree that the fiancé should be seeking comfort and acceptance elsewhere than from his former fiancé’s family.
I don’t and have never seen how I (or others who are NOT parties to the relationship) have the right to judge anyone else’s relationship and whether it should be continued or ended (except when it was abusive or obviously very harmful).
@MaryGJ I’m calling neither person a spade but the situation. Let’s not put words in my mouth but understand the phrase I used. Here’s a little refresher on what the term “call a spade, a spade” means:
“to “call a spade a spade” is a figurative expression which refers to calling something “as it is”, that is, by its right or proper name, without “beating about the bush”—being outspoken about it, truthfully, frankly, and directly”
source: wiki
“Add in his sucking up to the family…and it’s downright creepy” Let’s also stick to what is represented and given here instead of falling into embellishments and assumptions that can’t be reached from the info provided.
I watched a close friend go thru estrangement from a son for over 10 years. He totally cut himself from the entire family. There had been many close relationships between him, his sibs and his parents. He was a young man with wife and kids. Suddenly, even the grandparent relationships were gone when the son claimed his “space”. My friend never understood the reason for the sudden decision to “take a greak from the family”.
I found it interesting, in listening to my friend going over the “precipitating events”, it was clear to me that the parents ( my friend and her H) and several of the adult sibs and spouses had nothing but criticism and “advise” to give to the young man and his wife about how they choose to raise their kids, live their lives, etc. The decisions the young estranged couple made were not bad or irresponsible, just different from what the rest of the family did. Finally, after being confronted each time there was a family get together, the young couple had had enough and called “time out” from the family.
The situation is slowly resolving. Family is back together, sort of. I’ve wondered what might happened if the family had been supportive and bit back the criticsm.
There seem to be a lot of assumptions being made, MaryGJ, about the dau and her relationship. Anyone remember the “old days” of bachelor parties where a female would be brought for "fun " before the wedding? Some may have strayed but id didn’t mean the marriage/relationship was dead. We dont know, nor is it our place to, the specifics about what the dau did and what led up to her decision to cancel the wedding. It was probably the right decision, but cutting her family off may have more behind it than we know. Maybe many of the posters would feel differently if there was more to the story shared that changed opinions, but for now, with what we are told, most here will be supportive of the mom and her feelings.
@1214mom, no, we never would have predicted that we would take the stance that we did and would have probably given anyone in our position the opposite advice, if asked.
But at the end of the day, the relationship was more important than the finances, we allowed our son the opportunity to decide to go back and impressed upon him his obligations if he got to the point where the school asked him to leave (don’t finish, you repay our investment, finish and your education is our gift to you). It was tough to be ‘hands off’ but H and I would share our individual encounters and as long as one of us had a brief ‘I’m alive’ IM or email every 10 days or so, we left him alone.
OP, hugs to you as you navigate this precarious road with your DD. As my child is currently the instigator of the dissolution of an eight year relationship, I know how easy it is to say the wrong thing, ask the wrong question. And it hurts when they ask for more space, as your goal is to be the voice of reason. I try to remember myself at that age and just how little advice I thought I needed.
As I think I have talked about it on here a lot, last year my D also was the instigator that ended a 5 year relationship.
She was incredibly emotional and touchy. I was the person to unload on. And as she told me, she wanted me to be 100% on her side. It was easy because the relationship was bad and I was so relieved for it to end.
@mominva hugs to you and your D. We are a year out of this, still some fallout as her life isn’t turning out like she thought and she’s still in loose ends. It’s a marathon not a sprint but I’m sure she is going to end up alright and in a much better place.
I think there are a lot of assumptions being made by the mom and sister about the relationship, which is probably why the girl isn’t talking to them and appears to feel betrayed by them.
I feel much more supportive of the daughter. I think the mom and sister are dead wrong. It’s none of their business that the daughter cheated and it’s none of their business why she broke it off. Their job, as family, is to love the daughter unconditionally. It’s really none of their business what she does in her relationships…particularly when there are no kids involved.
I think it was a betrayal, and a rather serious one, for the family to support (and still seem to be supporting) the potential son in law’s hurt and disappointment…instead of supporting the daughter’s very difficult and correct decision to call it off.
“His heart was broken.” So what? That’s the price to play in relationships. There will always be that risk.
He was lucky to escape. So was she. Happy ending. Mom and Sis need to get on board with that, and stop trying to shame the girl with sympathy for a boy who is no longer part of their lives.
If they don’t, they will likely find themselves exactly where they are…estranged and banished from her life.
Family trust and loyalty were broken here, in my opinion.
As with all things on the internet ALL of our comments are ludicrous. No one knows the hearts of all the players. We’re getting a single perspective from a mom who is hurt and who is asking for honest advice about how to fix her relationship with her daughter. I could write a very sugar-coated post vindicating all of her positions and expressing sympathy for her, or I can write a post that might actually get her to consider things from a perspective that might be closer to her daughter’s…and potentially inspire her to see a few blind spots…even if it’s uncomfortable to read. Which is more helpful?
Relationship advice on the internet is a mixed bag. Some people will support you with sympathy and agreement, some with hard questions and alternate perspectives.
If you want strangers to comment on your personal business, you have to be prepared for that.
As a parent, it’s not my place “to give a pass” or not for my D breaking a former boyfriend’s heart. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. There could have been many wrongs done to D by bf that the OP never knew about that might put the whole thing in context. One doesn’t have to condone infidelity to remain non judgmental about it and just support the D’s right to cancel a wedding. That’s really the more important factor here-that D recognized the marriage was a mistake and was brave enough to save both her fiance and herself from even worse heartbreak down the line.
The D is perfectly capable of recognizing the wrong in cheating without having her parents dogpile on that fact as well. Stick to the most important facts here: The OP loves D, wants D to be happy, wants ex fiance to be happy (and no matter how painful, a broken engagement would be far less painful than divorce down the line), and OP supports the future happiness of both parties (being free to go find their true destiny). Talk of ex bf now is inappropriate; D needs to feel loved and supported for her decision (not judged for peripheral issues).
Again, one can show love and support for a person without condoning or judging actions. Don’t lose the forest for the trees.
Sometimes in this situation there is a personality disorder involved…could be the child, or it could be the parent.
Oh good grief. IMO, cheating is always wrong. There doesn’t need to be a ring to make it so.
Regardless, I do agree that there should have been a “free pass” as the D ended up doing the right thing (imo) in not going through with the marriage. At least a free pass in the sense that she needed time to heal before dealing with the infidelity issue.
Honestly, when my ex and I broke up after 5 years of dating, my parents never asked why. They were there to hold be while I cried and helped me through it. That, to me, is the appropriate response.
But one cannot go back in time so what’s done is done. Now it’s time for the OP to move forward. There have been some really great pieces of advice on here.
And there may be way more going on than either we or the OP know. I mentioned my borderline estranged sister. She has some undiagnosed mental health issues that she’ll never get help for. And if she ever did, I’m sure she’d make our dad and me out to be the villains.
Really though… the OP feels bad enough without projecting a bunch of things onto her and her d.
Exactly, @romanigypsyeyes. Now hypotheses of one having a personality disorder is being conjectured? Based on third hand info from one perspective. That’s nonsensical.
alternative facts. 
@lje62 , I can certainly relate and am hoping this get resolved soon. Estrangement is one of the hardest things parents can face. I recently found a lot of resources online by Googling. One is http://www.rejectedparents.net/
It’s been helpful to me reading this thread and getting various perspectives on the pain our young adult children can cause and presumably be in. In my D’s case, she has been in a controlling and what I think is an emotionally abusive relationship for over a year. She had been living at home, but I had a big fight with her about the BF a week ago, and the BF screamed some really reprehensible things at me before they both left. I haven’t heard from her since, despite texts from me trying to reconcile. It’s only been a week for me, but it feels like eons longer.
I sometimes feel CC parents all have perfect, over-achieving, well-adjusted children, which, of course, is not always the case.
I’m a bit conflicted here as while being in a forced relationship…even if perceived by one/both parties in the relationship is bad and I have an older cousin who ended up divorcing his first wife due to conflicts(She wanted kids, he didn’t feel anywhere near ready) which were really rooted in the fact he wasn’t ready for marriage at that stage of his life and his parents/older relatives did pressure him into it.
Worse, his parents and most of my extended family(Especially his mother and our grandparent) took her side and scolded my older cousin(He was one of the oldest ones) for initiating the divorce even though it was best for everyone concerned. Not surprisingly, he didn’t consider marriage again for 2+ decades. At least my older relatives learned from this by not putting this type of pressure on the younger cousins…especially yours truly.
However, one major difference was there was no infidelity involved which would have been considered beyond the pale within my extended family…especially with those in my parents’/grandparents’ generations.
If that had happened, I wouldn’t be surprised if his parents/grandparents* would have seriously considered disowning him for what they would have perceived as someone acting with extreme dishonesty, bad character, and the parents wondering whether they could have raised him right.
And this wasn’t only in my Chinese-American family as I know of several multi-generationed American families who have effectively/officially disowned adult children** for the very act of infidelity.
- One older uncle was completely disowned by my grandfather back in the 1920's for getting expelled from undergrad for excessive partying/drinking/socializing in ways which would have made him a great fit at many US colleges with party school/high drinking campus cultures in the present time.
And as serious as my grandfather/prevailing cultural norms of time time took his offense, it doesn’t approach the perceived gravity of how my grandfather or many parents/grandparents would have felt if infidelity in a courtship/marriage was involved.
** Mostly more religiously conservative Catholic/Protestant families…and not necessarily fundamentalist, either.
My personal opinion is that anyone who disowns their child for infidelity has more issues than the person who commits the infidelity. Being upset or disappointed when one’s child deviates from the values taught by the parents is one thing…cutting ties permanently? Give me a break. No one is perfect, including that parent.
Hugs @Barbalot. No our children are not perfect.