I’m amazed that the parent knows that infidelity occurred. I mean, did they do it in the middle of the street? Or post photos of themselves in the act on Facebook?
I also think that anyone has the right to break an engagement at any time, for any reason. Yes, it may break the partner’s heart. Yes, a lot of money spent on the wedding may be wasted. Yes, it is embarrassing to all concerned. But a bad marriage is worse.
My D tells me a lot of things. I’m not suprised that @lje62 knew the circumstances of the broken engagement, the wedding was called off right before the wedding.
My S, he’s not so chatty. He tells me the big things. D on the other hand, will have an hour on food prep she’s done or her lunch plans. Or her friends relationship. Different kids, different ways of communicating.
For some reason I did a search and one of my old posts popped up randomly. When D was involved in this bad relationship, we didn’t talk very much. I found out later that her BF didn’t want her discussing their “business”. I think it was a bad, emotional abusive relationship (she has characterized it as such). Once the relationship broke up, we started talking more and more and things are back to where they used to be.
I don’t know what this has to do with the OP. Except to say that sometimes relationships with your kids will change. Become closer and more distant. Hopefully this is an ebb in the flow of mother daughter relations.
No one anywhere thinks you should go through with a wedding solely to avoid losing your deposits or looking like a jerk. Hollywood notwithstanding, canceling a wedding at the last minute is an awful thing to do, but it’s nowhere near as awful as going through with the wedding then divorcing or annulling the marriage.
Parents and children are not perfect, we all make mistakes, it is called being human. The problem as a parent is we spend a lot of years raising a kid, we try and teach them our values, try and teach them life skills and how to be a good person, and it can be hard when they do something we consider dumb or so contrary to the way they were raised. As much as I love our son and am proud of him as a person, he had his moments when he was doing things I considered wrong (as usual, relationship with a girlfriend, behavior I thought wasn’t fair to either of them), did some other things that could have been potentially harmful, and it was hard talking to him about it, trying to let him know we thought he was being unfair to both he and the girl without being judgemental.
We also talk about unconditional love but that is a goal we strive towards but don’t always achieve, because as parents (and kids), we have our own feelings that get in the way of it.
My family situation was similar to another posters, it wasn’t so much judgement (though that was there), it was more about a family with no boundaries when it came to when people were married, and worse, it was in my case often very one way, where my wife and I were expected to accomodate all kinds of not nice behavior, to drop anything we were doing because of what someone else wanted to do, and I realized if I wasn’t going to repeat the dynamic of my dad and his family, which was unhealthy, I needed to protect my own family, and did (and it was very, very complicated, it wasn’t just irritating things, there was a lot of stuff going on with my own little family, with some tough things to deal with, that my family would have made it impossible to survive). It hurt, I am sorry that we couldn’t share the joys of watching our S grow up and with the other kids, the problem was that they would get to share in the joy but there wouldn’t be the other part, helping when the pain and sorry hit (but we would be expected to jump in if they had things they were dealing with)…
In my case it still hasn’t healed, not sure it ever will, just not sure at this point if renengaging ‘the family’ would really do anything, I have seen my brother and sister a couple of times and it wasn’t angry or anything like that, but there also wasn’t much there to grip unto to want to move forward.
That doesn’t mean I don’t sympatize with a parent estranged from a child or how much it hurts, it does, and I truly hope that the OP and D find their way back, I think they can offer each other a lot:)
We had a neighbor who disowned most of all of their many kids when they had serious relationships and sometimes married partners who were not what parents approved of. It has taken some decades but I believe the family has finally reconciled, as my folks got a Christmas card and all of the kids were in the photo. It sounds painful to have those rifts.
It’s painful enough that our kids don’t touch base as often as we’d prefer, to be estranged as well would be torture.
I’m not entirely clear from the OP whether the D or the ex did the cheating, but as the parent of a D who is not on good terms with her father (my ex, who in turn was not on good terms with HIS father…) from what I’ve seen, more often than not these estrangements come from a failure to understand the other’s point of view, either intentionally or not. Reading the Op, I get the sense that she and her other D disapprove of the D calling off the wedding and are making it clear that they have some level of support for the former fiance. The D isn’t feeling supported, and that’s like ly why she’s cut ties.
I see no evidence at all that the therapist is behind this decision, but it’s easy to blame others when you might have had a hand in what happened. Both my D and her dad tell me THEIR side and aren’t seeing their own errors in the relationship. Perhaps that’s what is happening here. There might well be a good reason the D is distancing herself and hopefully she’ll come around and at least try to talk things out with the mom and her sister.
BUT, here’s the thing. This has got to be the most painful time in her life and the D clearly knows her mom and sister are siding with their almost-in-law to some extent. That can only be adding to the pain. That’s going to take some time for her to understand and cope with, and some distance might be what she needs to do that.
D sometimes gets frustrated with H and me and says we do NOT communicate with each other as well as we could and should. We manage pretty well, but she IS an excellent communicator. I’m sorry for all of those who are dealing with strained/estranged/painful relationships with loved ones. I hope time and work will heal them and perhaps even make them stronger. Sometimes adversity CAN build strength, even though it’s not the way any of us would wish to get stronger. 
It really doesn’t have to be that the OP is “siding” with the ex to any significant extent, or has made any mistake other than simply being present. It may just be that the D knows she screwed up and behaved in a hurtful manner – that’s true almost by definition of someone who breaks an engagement shortly before the wedding, no matter how right they are not to go through with the marriage. And when people you care about have seen you behave that way, you feel ashamed and judged, and you may not want to deal with them for a while, because you can’t deal with them without remembering that they have recently seen you at your worst.
There’s a cliche that sometimes a lover or friend selflessly steps in as caregiver when a person is very sick, acts like a saint and nurses the patient back to health, and then the relationship falls apart when the patient recovers. And it’s usually because the former patient has trouble dealing with someone who has seen the patient so weak and so dependent for a long time. The patient feels like it’s impossible to recover dignity and strength if the other person is a constant reminder of weakness and dependency.
Hugs to you. I’m glad you found a safe place to express your sadness and frustration.
I have a sister who has been estranged from her sisters for almost 10 years, the last 5 years she added in being estranged from our brothers. We all reach out to her and invite her to family events. It is sad because she has 5 siblings and a bunch of nieces and nephews who she isn’t apart of their lives. When my parents were alive she was never the best at communicating and my Mom would get frustrated. My sister did come through and was the primary caregiver to our parents before they passed away. Our family is not good at discussing uncomfortable situations and she could walk back into our lives and none of us would call her on where she has been for the last 10 years.
I also had a period where one of my kids felt a need to distance them self from our family. It was very painful and scary to not here from them.
I hope your D can come to realize how important her family is. In the meantime I would just let her know you love her. Don’t bring up the ex. What happened can’t be changed. You can only move forward.
My aunt was very sad that her kids were estranged from each other and from her. Fortunately, each of them reconciled with her prior to her dying from cancer. It was sad to her that so much of their lives they had been estranged. Even after they made up with her, they are still not very close to one another.
OP doesn’t always have to admit she may not have handled this the best way. Neither does her estranged daughter… If they are to reconcile, they need to both be ready to accept the new norm. They can choose to build on the shared regret over the pain of the situation that they both feel.
OP can probably admit that she feels terrible about this whole thing, and that she wants to help her daughter.
There doesn’t have to be any blame to move forward. I get the sense - although it may be projections on my part - that there has been a LOT of blame so far. But OP, when you get down to it, does blaming your daughter help you in any way to make sense of this - let’s call it an unfortunate situation? If you are ready to set aside blame - and believe me, I know how hard that is to do for some of us - and accept the new reality, and you can show your daughter this is how you feel, then you have opened the door to potential - not guaranteed - reconciliation.
I have known a white/spanish family whose D almost called off a wedding 2 months before the day, then they “reconciled” for the event, they had the wedding and party, and went on the honeymoon. Within 7 months of the wedding, she gave birth to a black baby. She had never told her husband she had been unfaithful. She simply hoped she would have had a white baby, but it was not to be, and she had wanted to go to the Bahamas. They got an annulment. Her family was devastated. Her mom wanted her to move home with them and her dad wanted to disown her. She ended up moving in with her sister, which likely added to the strain that broke up her sister’s marriage. She did not have contact with her mom or dad for almost three years, as she blamed her mom for siding with her dad. Her dad died never forgiving her in person - but her mom told her that on his deathbed he said he was sorry for all the pain. So she went to her dad’s funeral and tried to make peace with her mom. They agreed to set aside blame as there was too much hurt already. There can be regrets for lost opportunity without pointing fingers.
When children make mistakes, but are as stubborn as their parents, it can be very hard and painful process.
@lje62, @Barbalot, and any other parents in this situation - I’m so sorry. It’s terrible when our kids cut off contact or decide they need a time out from their family. I have some experience with this. It seems to me that, whatever our perspective and however justified we think our actions/words have been, we need to accept that the person who pulls back believes he/she has a legitimate reason for doing so. It’s their reality they’re acting on, and it’s that reality we need to consider.
Rifts can be healed, and I hope yours soon will be. I do think it’s unusual for the person who initiates the estrangement to come around to the family’s POV, though that can happen. In my experience, the distanced family members can start to repair the relationship by accepting the estranged person’s POV and apologizing for causing them pain.
OP here…I was traveling yesterday and only got to check in a little today. Thank you for all the comments, understanding and support.
My original post of course was a very condensed version of the events from the cancellation of the wedding until where we are now as a family.
Like so many said here, NO ONE in our family wanted her to be in a marriage that she didn’t want to be in. It came as a huge shock to everyone . Her sister was thrown into the role of taking her sister in because of the close proximity until we could travel to be there with them. She was extremely shook up and was there when my daughter went to pick up enough of her belongings . Witnessing her would be brother in-law’s pain was difficult…and also perplexing with her sister’s lack of emotion as they left…this is just not typical of her…she is one to tear up easily and she was just blank and void of emotion.
As far as speculation of infidelity…it was my daughter that was unfaithful. I know that some people don’t think it counts since there wasn’t a marriage vow, but in my world , she cheated and readily admits it ( she confessed it just to clarify for those who wondered )
When all of this was going down, I learned that she had also been abusing alcohol to the point where her fiancé as well as her sister had to take care of her out of fear for her well being. I believe that she did this because she felt trapped and didn’t know what to do…but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still a concern.
No one forced my daughter into the relationship…in fact , she was a bit pushy about getting engaged and getting married to him, for about 3 years before he proposed with the ring she really wanted. She had a dress custom made…etc…
No one disowned her ( I would NEVER do such a thing )
I stopped talking about her ex-fiance unless she chose to discuss it long ago…
There was no abuse…emotional or physical. When she explained her " why " it all just seemed so small and fixable, but by the time she let it out, it was too late.
We urged her to seek counseling and she did…this is what concerns me. I saw a red flag fly when her counselor told her that she didn’t understand why any of us have any compassion for her ex-fiance …again, he did not abuse her so that is not a component to this.
I think she is upset with me because I tried to act as a mediator between her and her sister. They have always been very , very close and it pains me to see them apart.
I have made it clear that she has my unconditional love and support.
She did answer a recent text and pretty much told me that she wants me to know that she loves me very much , but needs to work things out and I told her that I respected that and will always be there for her.
I think many parents here ( and clearly some that are not parents as well ) understand what this is like.
Having had some health scares recently, an unexpected death of a relative ( who was estranged from his brother )
As well as a serious car accident with her estranged sister, I tried to make arrangements for us to get together to work things out. It breaks my heart that they are not speaking.
This seems to be the point where she cut me off.
And you never insinuated such in any of your posts. Very few loving parents would do such a thing. You sounded upset about the bf and worried about her behavior, but certainly not so judgmental and uncaring.
I would hang on to that. It sounds very promising to me.
I don’t blame you for that at all. My Ds are not the closest, and it really bothers me. I just keep hoping that over time, they will bridge the gap.
@lje62, I’m sorry this has happened to your family. One thing leaps out at me from your new post: the alcohol abuse. For your daughter’s sake and yours, I think this is the most important thing to deal with. Whether it’s cause or effect doesn’t really matter. It could kill her. If the counselor is helping her with the alcohol abuse, all else can wait.
@zoosermom do you have two daughters? I honestly thought that last year, you were planning a wedding, and shower, etc. this was before your mom became ill.
It’s never easy to call off a long term relationship. If my DD did that, I would give her the space to grieve… because regardless…it’s a loss. But be supportive.
It’s never easy.
Interesting timing of this discussion. Happened to talk to a friend today who is not supportive of the person her daughter is currently dating, and if she says anything (I advised against saying anything) it may likely cause a rift. I suggested she wait it out, as her daughter has had a pattern of having exciting relationships that then burn out. If she feels compelled to say anything to her daughter (which hopefully she won’t), I suggested she say something like “I am having a hard time with this” or words to that effect. Not make her dau feel unsupported or forced to make a choice.
@ jym626…I totally get that. Having 4 daughters , my husband and I have learned to keep a low profile when it comes to their flames. We are starting to dislike his daughter’s boyfriend of almost a year , but are keeping our mouths shut and let it running it’s course
@lje62 - good for you for being able to sit on our hands!! It is so hard. I remember when DS#1 (who is now married to a wonderful woman) was dating his previous gf in college, she was sweet but very, very needy. We were concerned. And her mother was a serious control freak. Not sure if we were more worried about the gf or the mom. They dated (long distance) for, IIRC, like 2 years. We were quietly very relieved when he broke up with her. I remember he once asked my opinion. All I said to him was something like " the need to be needed feels good, but it gets old" or words to that effect. He got it.
*tyop: sit on YOUR hands.