<p>My high school senior and I do not see eye to eye on her college choices. I want her to have a variety of choices, including in-state (local within the outerbelt and commutable from home). She only wants to apply to out of state schools. I want her to have options that could fit a variety of needs and scenarios. She has had some physical and emotional problems in the last year stemming from a car accident, so I want her to have the option of being close-by if needed. We have limited income and I cannot afford to send her to school out of state. I also may not be able to afford to pay her room and board even at a nearby school. She may need to live at home for financial reasons. We also cannot afford to send her on a college visit out of state. Nor are we able to afford to take her to school on move-in day and bring her home for holidays and emergencies. She wants to apply to these out of state schools anyway sight unseen. She has never been to this state either and we have no family or friends there. No amount of reasoning or logic is working. I think I am going to have to let go and allow her to apply to these schools with no local back-ups. This would mean that if she cannot get the money together to get herself into and to this out of state school, she will be left with nothing and no options. Or, if she can get herself there, she will be stranded if it doesn’t work out. Help!</p>
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<p>Who exactly is in charge here? It costs money to apply to colleges. If this scenario was playing out in my home, I would establish some conditions. I would say, "if you want me to pay for these out of state applications, you must meet the following conditions: you must apply to x number of in-state financial safeties, you must acknowledge that the only way you go out of state is if we receive x dollars in financial aid/scholarships. I would not allow her to put herself in the position of having NO local options.</p>
<p>If you can’t afford for her to go OOS, then there is no decision to be made. She can’t go OOS. Unless she has incredible full-ride type stats, she can’t just “get the money together” herself to send herself OOS. Does she know that? This is clearly a case of “go where we can afford it” or “don’t go at all.”</p>
<p>We have limited income and I cannot afford to send her to school out of state. I also may not be able to afford to pay her room and board even at a nearby school.</p>
<p>my D really wanted to attend schools which were not affordable for our family.
Its probable she woulds have qualified for merit aid, but because of high overall costs, still not enough to make a significant difference.
I couldn’t bear to have her be accepted & then tell her no, so I discouraged her from pursuing the unaffordable choices.
in hindsight, she perhaps just wanted to know if she would have been accepted, but ultimately she didnt apply & resigned herself to her choices.
It took some time, but she found a good ( & affordable) school and seems to be very happy there.</p>
<p>Have you tried explaining all of this to her? Does she know the real financial situation you’re both in, or have you tried to shield her from most of it?</p>
<p>If you’ve tried explaining this to her and she’s adamant about going out of state, she can try, but you have to be up front about it that you won’t be able to financially help with her schooling or with transportation to and from the school. If she has a plan for how she’s going to make that work, then she can try to make it work, but you’re just not in a position where you’re able to help her. Help her find local schools that help meet her academic and social needs for college, and tell her that she can save money by living at home. Perhaps, you could help her find out-of-state schools that will meet your need or give great merit or need based aid, but be clear that she’ll have to be responsible for her own spending money, books, transportation, and whatever financial aid won’t cover. Make sure she realizes what this will all cost. If she hasn’t been responsible for her own expenses before, she may be severely underestimating what it will cost to go to school out of state. Don’t pay for the application fees unless she agrees to apply to in-state schools as well. Stress that it doesn’t mean she absolutely cannot go out-of-state, but she needs to have options in case she doesn’t get the aid that she needs at these other schools.</p>
<p>It doesn’t seem like there’s much option. You can’t afford to send her to school out-of-state. If she refuses to consider going to school in-state, than she needs to figure out how to make it work. You’re trying to help her find a path to college, which is great, but if she insists on a path that’s not feasible, then she’s on her own.</p>
<p>If she winds up with no feasible options after applying to all out-of-state schools, then that may be the wake up call she needs to think about things more rationally. A good gap year may allow her to gain perspective and focus, as well as help her learn to manage any lingering medical problems that she may still have from the car accident.</p>
<p>I am sorry you are having these conflicts. It sounds tough. </p>
<p>The best you can do is what you have done, make it clear to your child that you simply can’t afford an out of state school, and tell her which in states you can afford. Teenagers don’t always have the best grasp of economics, and they have their dreams, so she may not believe you. If I were in your situation, I would tell her I am sorry that she can’t go anywhere she wants, but we simply don’t have the money. I would tell her I wish the situation were different. </p>
<p>You can tell her that if she can find a way to fund another school, she can go there. The burden will be on her. She can research merit scholarships, need based scholarships, and military scholarships and see if any of them are possibilities. I’d tell her to be realistic about her chances and to have a back up plan. </p>
<p>It might just make her mad, but I’d tell her I love her and think she can succeed at that near by college, setting herself up to be a doctor/lawyer/Indian Chief----whatever she wants to be—if she works hard.</p>
<p>if you want me to pay for these out of state applications, you must meet the following conditions: you must apply to x number of in-state financial safeties, you must acknowledge that the only way you go out of state is if we receive x dollars in financial aid/scholarships. </p>
<p>I agree with this poster above. Stand your ground. I told my kids it is far worse to apply to too few schools and not have good choices at the end than to spend the money applying to too many. Let her apply to all of the out of state schools she wants as long as you can afford the application fees. Or give her a limit of a particular number. who knows you may be suprised by a financial package you weren’t expecting that would make an out of state choice work. Or you could say for each in state option she applies you will pay for one out of state option. Or whatever. It is a horrible situation to have all of your choices be too expensive. that happened to a friend of my daughters and the family is sucking up and paying full price at at $60,000 per year school snce the other two schools she applied she was denied and they were expecting to get some either merit or financial aid which they didn’t get a penny of either. When they realized the result it was way too late to do anything else short of taking a gap year. Not an ideal situation.</p>
<p>cpohio, Sorry your D is being so stubborn. Kids often can’t see the forest for the trees. I think you have to make it very clear to her that the oos schools are not a possibility.<br>
We told both our S’s that we could only afford instate public u’s. So that’s what they did.
I would not allow her to apply to the out of state schools unless she would is the kind of student who would be competitive for large scholarships. She may howl with rage but needs to realize the reality of your situation and deal with it.</p>
<p>You might also want to tell her that if she isn’t sure to cover all bases (including a more local affordable option) she may be stuck with NO school to come to come next year. </p>
<p>Is she having peer pressure to apply out of state??? Some smaller schools around here. And especially private schools - it is WAY. Cooler among the kids to apply out of state - of course what your D may not know is that her friends are also being told to also include safety schools - ones closer to home and budget.</p>
<p>I’d like to add a couple thoughts.</p>
<p>I do not agree that the out-of-state schools will necessarily be too expensive to attend. OOS public schools in almost all cases will be too expensive as very few provide financial aid to OOS students. However there are a few OOS state schools that do meet full need and some private school also that meet full need. These schools tend to be very good schools … so if your daughter is a top student it’s possible an OOS school on financial aid may be cheaper than some in-state option. I’d suggest you and your daughter run the Net Price Calculators (NPC) at a few of her schools to see what it is likely you will have to pay. My guess is one of you will be surprised.</p>
<p>If the NPCs return a bill that is too big your daughter needs to do some research about paying for college … there is not money fairy out there who will pay the bills … she will likely need to find schools that give merit aid to make it work if the financial aid is not enough. (I, along with about 99.9% of CC posters, recommend AGAINST taking out substantial loans to pay for school … the federal ones (about $25-$30k total over 4 years) is the most anyone on CC would say is OK).</p>
<p>I’m not a big fan of parents telling kids which schools they will pay for and which they will not … personally, I believe in telling the kids the budget of how much you can spend for their schooling. Then it’s on them to find options that are financially feasible … and this will tend to naturally turn into a list with in-state state schools, schools that give merit, and schools that give good financial aid (assuming you’re willing to pay your EFC).</p>
<p>PS - we all could be more helpful if you gave us an idea of how good a student your daughter is … and if you’ve run a NPC if you’re willing to pay the EFC.</p>
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<p>I agree with this. I also agree that we have to know something about her stats and ECs and so forth in order to be more helpful.</p>
<p>The financial issues are well-addressed above, and I agree that running the numbers through each NPC must happen before an application is submitted.
The other issue is her post-accident need for medical or emotional support. Do the OOS schools that she is considering have the medical facilities to meet her needs?</p>
<p>You know what conversation is worse than the “explaining the financial realities of our family and how they will impact your college application process” conversation? The “I’m so proud that your got into this amazing school but there’s no way you can go because we can’t afford it.” conversation. Not to be disrespectful…I lived your situation myself…but if you are concerned with being able to afford traveling to a school to drop her off, she has no business applying to the school. Having said that, I agree that just because a school is OOS doesn’t mean that it’s going to be cheaper than an in-state school. There are an awful lot of schools out there that meet full need and have huge endowments with which to attract a diverse student body (diversity doesn’t stop and start at race) Both of you sit down in front of the computer, run the calculators and see what happens with an open mind.</p>
<p>Assuming the OP knows that each college has a “net price calculator” on the website. You can plug in your family’s financial info and get an idea of what kind of financial aid package she might get, and what your family might be expected to pay. I would suggest you do this and print out the results, and show your daughter. Along with telling her how much you can afford to pay for each year.</p>
<p>Then… maybe I would pay for application to ONE school where the NPC doesn’t look so great, and for some in-state ones where presumably you can afford them. If she wants to apply more broadly OOS or at schools you don’t think you can pay for, she can pay for those application fees herself. Don’t forget that it costs money to send test scores, and if they are CSS Profile schools for financial aid that costs something as well; again, she should pay those fees for the schools she is paying the app fee for as well.</p>
<p>Colleges do assume students have summer jobs, and also many students work on campus during the school year. Assuming she can do this, that adds some money to the pool (a lot of students pay for books & spending money this way, and honestly my kids could have paid for their own plane tickets home with what they made as well if I had asked them to). Your D will also likely be offered some loans – depending on the school and her major, you may want to consider those – but come out here to the financial aid forum and get more info before you make up your mind for sure about loans.</p>
<p>I do feel like we are untangling 2 different issues here:
- You want her to potentially stay close to home because of possibly continuing issues from her accident. And maybe just because it is hard to let her go far away after something that traumatic happening. She, on the other hand, may be determined to get far away. You haven’t said enough about what the underlying reasons for that might be, though.
- Cost</p>
<p>The second one has to trump the first, though. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. Period. But maybe she needs to be out of your house and even out of your city in her mind – see if there are any in-state colleges you can swing for her to live on campus if that is the case.</p>
<p>We insisted on a safety app to the local public, D1 said she wouldn’t go, if it came to that. We were careful not to phrase all this in the negative- not make any predictions of doom or challenges she couldn’t tackle. Not at this time in life, when they are so eager to prove that wrong and so willing to go head-to-head. </p>
<p>May be x-posting somewhat here-- even if OOS aid is good, distance is sometimes still a factor. Both girls needed to be far away enough to feel independent, but close enough for us to “be there,” on occasion. We could get there in a few hours, by car. There were two occasions when we had to get to D2, fast. But, only a family knows whether this has to be prioritized. Best wishes.</p>
<p>If the family cannot afford to drive her to college, they can apply for fee waivers on applications and score reports.</p>
<p>Could you give us some idea of where these schools are that she is so interested in? West Coast? East Coast? Maybe she could consider some of the excellent alternative in the Midwest that would be within easier driving distance, yet still far enough away from home that she feels as if she is getting away from the familiar.</p>
<p>Give her the dollar amount you can afford. Don’t mince words. Let her apply to colleges she wants but absolutely put your foot down and have her apply to a couple that you know you can afford. Consolation and 3togo are correct that there might be someplace out of state that will give her incredible aid, but it takes some research to figure out which schools might work. Perhaps that is the compromise, you let her apply, she does the work to figure out which colleges fit the budget.</p>
<p>Tell her, in no uncertain terms: We can’t afford OOS. Repeat. We can’t afford OOS. Repeat. Every day, several times a day if necessary.</p>
<p>You can ease the blow by recommending she apply to schools - most will be privates - where there’s a chance she can get significant FA. (Schools where her stats put her in the higher percentages of incoming freshmen, and schools that are trying to build geographic diversity.) </p>
<p>However, she must know that no amount of “wishing” will change the We Can’t Afford OOS mantra, unless she gets the significant amount of FA she will need to cover the gap between costs - and what you can contribute. </p>
<p>I’m sorry you’re going through this. We all want to grant our kids’ wishes, and it’s hard when we’re unable to financially. But try to think of it as a major lesson in your daughter’s life: Reality 101.</p>
<p>Thank you to all for your replies. This is very helpful. I will offer to pay for an out of state application for every in state she applies to. That might get her to apply to more instate schools. And, by the way, she gets good grades and scores well on SAT/ACT. She will likely get some scholarships. Using the calculator on college websites, it looks like we will probably have to pay $10,000 no matter what school she goes to, the difference between in and out of state schools is the travel expense back and forth and not having the option to live at home or come home for occasional meals, laundry, fill up her gas tank, etc. and other at home things that might save her a little money. Also, if she is at home or near home, she can continue to see her local doctors and I can get and pay for her medication. For some reason, she just doesn’t see the value of any of this support.</p>
<p>One of the reasons why she will not apply to a local college is because she has a set major in mind that is only offered at a few colleges, the majority of which are not in our state. I have tried suggesting she major in a related subject and do her specific major in graduate school, but she is adamant that she will not do that. I have tried to explain that sometimes we have a “wish list” but have to make compromises to fit reality and that she can get close to what she wants and make the best of it, but she is continues to say “no” it has to be the one way she wants. I have also suggested she study general classes at a local college the first two years and then transfer to her desired college for her desired major. But, she says no to that. Ironically, her desired major is a noble one (pastoral ministry) and I respect her for it, but from a financial and health standpoint she may have to get to her desired field in a different way. She has stated that she will ONLY study pastoral ministry and NOT religion or any related field. She also says she will ONLY study at at a Christian non-denominational school and will NOT go to a college with a specific religious affiliation. For example, there is a local Nazarene university that offers pastoral ministry, but she will not go there because it is sponsored by a specific religion. There is a local Methodist university, but they do not offer pastoral ministry only religion with a ministry internship in the campus ministry office. She says no to that option, too. She says she does not want to go to a mainstream college and then go to seminary. She says she only wants an undergrad degree and only from a non-denominational Christian college. Adding to my concern is that up until June of this year she was interested in science-related field and suddenly changed her mind when she began going to her boyfriend’s church. She no longer attends our family church. I guess her car accident led her to rethink her life and she now feels she is being guided in one direction: a Christian College out of state that offers a pastoral ministry major. </p>
<p>Honestly, I can offer to help her with local colleges, but she feels God is calling her to these out of state schools. The more I type this the more I think it is a battle I have to give up on. She will just have to face the consequences of possibly having nothing and needing to take a gap year or two. She may have to work for several years to pay for the specific college and major she wants. </p>
<p>Thank you again for your insights and guidance!</p>
<p>OP,</p>
<p>I don’t think you need to necessarily give up on this battle. Did you tell her how much you will be willing to contribute towards her education each year? With this budget in mind you should encourage her to run NPC at college of her choice, so she will have an idea how much she would have to come up on her own. Also, let her know that you will not cosign on any loans and that the only loans she will be eligible for first year is 5.5K (from federal government). </p>
<p>Maybe when the reality of how much everything costs sinks in, your daughter will reconsider.</p>