Parent dying, bring freshman home?

UCDAlum82 · January 23, 2008, 10:16pm

My husband’s cancer has spread to the point there is nothing more they can do. Our daughter is a freshman. She finished her first quarter away and we couldn’t be prouder. She has made so many friends, and seems to have really found a home there. We are torn. If we bring her home, we worry her support system is now at school, and certainly, other than her sister and I, no longer here. Friends from high school are scattered about the country. Also, I can see her life now has distractions that can keep the worry and sadness about her father in check. If she were home, there is nothing to keep her occupied here, and I’m worried where she would go, mentally.

On the other hand, a friend of ours, whose father died under similar cirumstances, told us he regrets to this day that he did not drop out of school for a semester to come home and spend the last of his father’s life with him. And he was too distraught to study, and had a bad semester from an academic point of view. Her sister and I would love to have her home. But I would give anything to make the pain of this less. I am not pulling her younger sister out of school, as I can see over the past months holding to her schedule has helped her get through this.

Her father adores her, but he doesn’t want her to give up school for the quarter. I know she is not our friend, she is her own person. We are leaving it up to her, but I am interested in hearing other people’s experiences.

lealdragon · January 23, 2008, 10:43pm

So sorry to hear about your husband! What a very difficult thing to experience. My heart goes out to you, your husband & family.

Do you know about how much time he has? Whether it is weeks or months could make a big difference in your daughter’s decision. If he has only a few weeks, she may want to come home, but if there is a possibility that he may have a few months, then it may make more sense for her to stay in school.

I think you are doing the right thing in leaving it up to her. I think the best thing you could do is to be very upfront with her. Make sure she understands all the facts, so that she doesn’t make a decision based on incomplete info and have regrets later. At the same time, let her know that you support whichever decision she makes. What I’m saying is, don’t sugarcoat anything because you don’t want her to worry. She has a right to know the extent of her father’s condition.

I think your husband is being very loving and noble in wanting his daughter to continue with her school and her life. His wishes should be part of the equation.

Best wishes to you during this sad time.

poetsheart · January 23, 2008, 10:47pm

I think you are in a very tough position, UCDAlum82. I’m so very sorry to hear about your husband’s cancer. I think it’s a good idea that you ultimately leave the decision whether or not to come home up to your D. It is bound to be a tough decision for her, and she’s bound to feel torn to some degree. Has she given you any indication as to which way she might lean at this point?

ClassicRockerDad · January 23, 2008, 10:48pm

I’m sorry for your pain.

Your friend is right. I would want her to come home for her own sake. She only has one father. Life is long and an extra quarter of school is nothing compared to the last days of her father’s life. If you ask her when he’s gone, she would admit that she would have given a lot more than one quarter to spend more time with her father. It will be too late then.

The big picture prevails here in my book, bring her home.

mafool · January 23, 2008, 10:48pm

I am so very sad for you and your family.

I know that, back when I was in college, I would have found it very difficult to concentrate on my studies and that the the other aspects of college life would have seemed ridiculously trivial if I had been away while a parent was dying.

But that is one person’s impression. What does your daughter think? Will she feel isolated to be away from the family at such a time? She may need you as much as you need her.

So difficult.

CountingDown · January 23, 2008, 10:51pm

UCD,
I am so sorry your family faces this turn in the road. Is your D close enoigh to home that she can come back on the weekends and spend time with your H? Has he spoken to her about what he wants her to do and what she wants to do here?

I have a friend whose father was in the late stages of cancer, and she had a long-planned trip out of the country coming up. (She was in her late 20s at the time.) Her dad encouraged her to go, and he passed away while she was gone. She had no regrets, as she and her dad had talked about it, and this was what he wanted her to do.

Have you (or she) talked to the academic dean at her school to let him.her know what’s happening at home? They might have some suggestions on how to proceed. Have you gotten hospice involved so you are getting support and relief for yourself?

I don’t have any answers, just hugs and support from afar. We are all here for you.

maysixxmom · January 23, 2008, 10:54pm

I so wish I had great words of wisdom to share. Instead I hope you and your family can feel the hugs and warmth being sent your way.

rrah · January 23, 2008, 10:54pm

I know I’m just some unknown stranger on the internet, but my thoughts are truly with you and your family.

You really seem to have thought this out. I hope that if I was ever in a similar situation I could handle it as gracefully as you seem to be doing.

I think the best thing is to leave it up to her after presenting her with the options and your thoughts as you have expressed them here. Based upon the person (you) I see coming through in your post, I’m guessing that you and your husband raised a wonderful, compassionate young woman that will also make a thoughtful decision.

Best wishes.

NYMomof2 · January 23, 2008, 11:00pm

I am so sorry, UCDAlum, that there seems to be no hope that your husband will survive. I can only imagine what you are going through. My instinct, based on health crises and deaths in my family, is that this is a time for the family to be together. But I understand your concern that your older daughter, unlike the younger, will not be able to keep up her schedule if she comes home. I guess I agree with the other posters that you should give her complete information and let her decide.

I’ll be thinking of you.

Alumother · January 23, 2008, 11:02pm

Can only give you Internet support and maybe send some qi your way.

teriwtt · January 23, 2008, 11:05pm

UCD - sent you a PM

Youdon_tsay · January 23, 2008, 11:05pm

I am very sorry your family is going through this.

I would talk to her adviser at school and see what kinds of options are available. I know I always make better decisions when I have all the facts.

That said, in my heart, I would want her home. College will always be there.

bulletandpima · January 23, 2008, 11:10pm

UCDAlum82,

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family in this difficult time.

Years ago, I went through a similar situation. I had just started out in my military career, and was in the middle of Navigator School. Very competitive, every day was an evaluation, and only the top few of those there would be selected to fly fighters, which was my life long dream.

Well, one night I get a call from my mother; “your dad’s in the hospital, he had a little problem at a party, but he’s doing OK”. What she didn’t tell me was that my father’s heart had stopped for 16 minutes, 4 seperate times, and was currently in a coma, with the doctors saying he had little chance for survival.

The ENTIRE family was there at the hospital, sitting vigil and waiting for any news. My mother agonized whether to tell me. She even called my comanding officer for advice. (His advice, “you’re son will have to wash back a class. He may not even got home in time before your husband dies. It’s his dream, let him try to get to it.” Pretty harsh and to the point, but I’m not going to say yeah or nay about it 20 years later.) She even asked my wife, who was my fiancee at the time, to lie to me and not let me know the situation. The good news, by some miracle, he pulled out ot it, and is alive to this day.

So, what is my advice to you? Well, lealdragon had some excellent words about making sure your daughter knows the truth and is allowed to make the decision herself. For my part, I have never forgiven my moher for keeping me ignorant of the truth about my father’s condition. My feeling, even to this day, was I am his son, I should have been there. Your daughter may feel that she will respect her father’s wishes and stay in school. She may decide to do the thing I wished I did (once I knew the truth), and is there by his side as he goes through this. Let her make up her own mind.

But I leave you with this. Years from now, she may fondly remeber her college days; hanging with friends, socializing, studying for class. But it will all be one big blur of minor memories long past. She will ALWAYS remember those special few moments, in every detail, she may be able to share with her father in these days. Regretting missing time with friends in college; minimal. Regretting missing those last few moments with her father, something she will always have dificulty coming to terms with.

Let her transfer for a semester to a local Comm. College. She then is still working towards her goal of getting a degree. Then she can always go back to her school the next semster (contact her admissions counselor about your situation, I’m sure they will be sympathetic and will work something out for her). Wait a semester, and evaluate the situation further.

Don’t let her regret any missed opportunities to be there. Like I said, I’ve had this regret for 20 years, and will have it to the day I die. these times will be tough, they will be heart-breaking, but they will be time as a family.

Again, my prayers and thoughts are with you… Bullet

busyparent · January 23, 2008, 11:18pm

I am very sorry to hear your news. Is your husband in hospice? Hospice has social workers and chaplains who are available to brain storm these types of issues with you and your daughter. They will provide good insight and ongoing support after your husband dies.

Karen_Colleges · January 23, 2008, 11:24pm

UCD: I have nothing to add to the thoughtful posters above. Just want to send my best wishes to you and your family.

marite · January 23, 2008, 11:28pm

UCDalum:

I am so very sorry to hear this. What do the doctors say? What does your husband feel?

This is my concern, as well. If your D is on a quarter system, I would suggest she stick with it. She can come home between quarters; she can decide to stay home at the end of the second quarter; she can drop everything and come home if your husband’s condition deteriorates very rapidly. My thoughts will be with you and your family.

corranged · January 23, 2008, 11:33pm

Like everyone else, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. My thoughts are with your family. My family is going through something similar; unfortunately, the only child involved has reacted by making some terribly poor decisions.

Anyway, I think that there are two very important questions that others have brought up: Do you know an estimate of how long your husband has (a couple of weeks versus several months is a very large difference)? How far from home is your daughter, and would it be possible for her to travel home on weekends or as needed?

You may also want to investigate the policies at your daughter’s school. If she stays in school and leaves part way through the quarter, what happens? How do incompletes work? Could she lose her housing? What about money if she doesn’t attend the quarter or drops part way through?

My best friend’s mother died in my senior year of high school. She was able to visit her mother in the hospital every day after school, and she called home a couple of times a day. She only took a week off of school if I remember correctly, and the teachers were very lenient. I know other students who have left school part way through a term when a parent was dying, and I know other students who have remained at home for a period of time, sometimes even enrolling in a local state school if it’s for a more extended period.

You should also consider whether you will need your daughter’s help in any way. Will your husband need taking care of, or will he be in hospice? Will you be able to take care of the younger daughter afterwards, or will she need significant day-to-day care that you won’t be able to easily provide? Will other family be down to help you? If your family needs your daughter’s help, don’t hesitate to state that.

SBmom · January 23, 2008, 11:35pm

From the mother’s pov I agree about your D being home to be with her Dad. She may regret it if she does not do this, and if she’s in any sort of denail about the gravity of the situation she might not choose in her genuine best interest.

BUT, from the D’s pov, it may be different… So hard to say. There’s no one “right” answer.

As an example: my brother died when I was in college (in an accident). My sister was still living at home at the time. I think the whole experience, though obviously sad and devastating, was a little easier on me than it was on her-- because she was in a house full of parental grief and I was in a college full of distraction and frivolity. That was hard in it’s own way, to be sure, because 20 year olds aren’t particularly skillful with someone else’s bereavement… but I at least got some respite, some fun times here and there, whereas my sister did not.

Is there a middle road to offer? Is there a way that she can visit at home and you can also visit her at school? Is there a school she could attend in your community just for a quarter?

I am very sorry your family is in this scary and painful situation. My heart goes out to you.

citygirlsmom · January 23, 2008, 11:44pm

i asked my H about this, and from HIS point of view, he would want his daughter to stay at school- Not sure of the logisitics for weekends home, but there are some three days coming up, winter break etc.

For him, my H, he would want to dsrupt people’s lives the least

I had a best friend die from cancer last year- toward the end, she really didn’t want to see many people- and if she did, it was for very brief periods of time

The hospice workers left some wonderful literature about what people go through toward the end, and it was important to read

I would talk to hospice workers, who have been through this with all kinds of families

Something REALLY important is to take care of yourself- take time to keep yourself well so you can be there for your Ds…and don’t feel bad about going to the movies, getting a manacure, meeting friends for a walk, going to a museum, your mental and physical health are very important

take care

mythmom · January 23, 2008, 11:47pm

I am sadder than I can say for you and your family. What a difficult decision for a young girl to make.

I think my kids would want me to make this decision for them.

I feel strange with an opinion so different from other posters, but I think I would encourage her to stay in school with a slightly reduced course load and classes she really likes if it is not too late to change.

I don’t know if financial considerations, scholarships and such, would allow this. I also don’t know if your financial situation and distance allow frequent trips home, which I think would be the best option.

I think I would also give younger D a chance to visit her sister away so they could grieve together.

I think this, not because college and college friends are so important, but for the kids and your husband, too.

My dad died of Cancer when I was just a little older than your daughter. I visited him every day in the hospital. Toward the end it was quite an effort for him to pull himself together for me. I know he would have preferred it if I saw him once a week and it was a special occasion when he could have dressed a bit, been properly medicated and planned a chat.

It is hard to kids to grieve when they think they need to be strong for their parents. We think we take care of them, but they think they take care of us.

I’m sure anything your family decides will be right; nothing can take away the pain of what you are all going through, but nothing can destroy what you have all meant to each other.

Parent dying, bring freshman home?

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