<p>First I am truly sorry to hear about your husband and his situation, I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I haven’t had a chance to read through all the posts, but believe strongly that your daughter should be home with her Dad. One important point is, do they have any idea how long he has? If it’s anything under 6 months, because really that could translate to a few months, then by all means I think her place is with her father and her family.</p>
<p>Furthermore, having witnessed someone in a similar situation when they were younger, I can say that not having the opportunity to have some very special bonding time with a family member in a situation like that can later on really cause a tremendous outpouring of regret, and sadness. I know she still has a hard time not having been there for her Mom at the end. It was tough then but believe me the torment she puts herself through is sometimes I think even harder, as there is no real “closure.” College will never go away, but sadly her father will not always be there. I think the answer is obvious.
I really pray for all of you to get through the tough time ahead, and hope that you are able to find comfort and solace in looking at every day together as a gift.</p>
<p>I second bullet in this one: she only has one dad and he only has a short amount of time left with her. Could she take classes online or at a community college and then return to her school next year? Seems like talking to the dean is a great idea. </p>
<p>College is a wonderful experience, so even if she can’t figure out a way to keep up with her studies if she leaves school, would it really be that bad in the long run? Just because she is a semester or so behind her peers doesn’t mean she can’t remain friends with them, live with them, or take similar classes.</p>
<p>As a college freshman that isn’t super close to her parents, I know I would be home ASAP if I heard this about my father. But then again, I haven’t been dealing with my dad’s cancer like your daughter has. Perhaps she has already accepted the fact that he is going to die and has figured out ways to deal with it herself? You should talk to her, but I’m sure you already have.</p>
<p>I am so sorry to hear this.
I will agree with the bringing her home- but I also agree with- helping her to stay in school, either online or a local school for a term- you all will need to have a distraction at times & it is good for her to still have school to focus on, as well as it will be good for your H, to see that he is not making her quit- but that she is being flexible- an important trait to have in life.
It is up to her of course- but reality can be easier than imagination, in my experience.</p>
<p>I am so sorry you are going through this. My father died suddenly and unexpectedly the beginning of my second quarter of my freshman year. Had I known a quarter earlier what was to come, I would have taken time off before he died. It’s been decades now and I have long lost touch with the people I knew at school and forgotten much of what I learned in the classes I took, but I do remember our last few conversations and I would give almost anything to have just a few minutes more with my father. College will be there, a quarter off, or even two, is a blip on the radar. She can take summer courses to make up what she misses in school and she’ll get back into the swing of her college life when she goes back. I do think it wise to talk to the hospice people and to have an idea of how much time there is and plan accordingly. Again, I’m sorry you are going through this.</p>
<p>I am a senior in high school, and my dad died suddenly during the summer before my junior year. I would have done the same as mimk if I had known that he was going to die.</p>
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<p>I definitely agree with ClassicRockerDad.</p>
<p>Good luck with your decision; I know it is a tough one. I am so sorry that you are going through this.</p>
<p>UCD. I also send my regrets and warmest wishes and thoughts during so stressful and sad a time.</p>
<p>I remember rushing home before my mom died and sitting on the edge of her bed. It was then I realized that we had already said everything that we needed to say to one another. I was not home to witness the daily pain and physical ups/downs of her last few months and I do not regret that part of it. It was hard work for her and she had my dad by her side. I think she wanted to protect me from any more sadness/memories of her pain. I think that made her happy. She would have had to be putting up a front if I was constantly there and that would have been very hard for her. She would not want me to witness her struggles. Have a heart to heart w/ your husband about it. It may help your decision.</p>
<p>UCD, I am so sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through. I have no real advice for you - I just wanted to let you know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>UCD, I am so sorry about your family’s struggle.</p>
<p>I do believe that your D will always regret not being with her dad at the end of his life if she stays at school. You & your daughters will draw support from each other. As others have stated, a semester of school is a tiny blip. Her realtionship with her dad is so much more important. God bless all of you.</p>
<p>UCD, I am so sorry you and your family are faced with this and I pray you have peace and comfort throughout…</p>
<p>I agree with those who have said you should lay things out clearly for your daughter and help her to decide this. Most on these boards have stated that they think she should come home, and I get that. However, this may NOT be what she feels is best for her and I hope you and your husband will be able to reassure her that it is okay if that is what she chooses to do. On top of everything else, she does not need to feel guilty later for deciding to stay in school.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your dilemna. This an awful decision to have to make. </p>
<p>What about the possibility of you and your husband going to where your daughter is, rather than the other way around? Is she at a university with a medical center either affiliated with it or nearby? Many hospitals have housing for family members of critically ill patients (ie the Ronald McDonald house for families of critically ill children) If you go to her, rather than the other way around, this might very well be the last gift your husband can give to her-- the opportunity to stay in school, not too severely disrupt her routine, yet provide the opportunity to spend time with him and with you. Think about it…</p>
<p>UCDAlum, I’m just adding my prayers and sympathies to the others you’ve received here. This will be a difficult decision for your daughter to make, but you and your husband are doing the right thing by telling her it’s hers. </p>
<p>My father passed away after a brief illness when I was a bit older than your daughter. I was living 1000 miles away at the time, but just happened to be at home on a long-planned visit at the end. I’m glad I was there for my mother. I’m not sure that being there made my father’s last days any better from his pov, though. Our experience was the same as that of some others on this thread - spending time with anyone was very difficult for him at the end.</p>
<p>A tough call. Wishing your family strength and peace.</p>
<p>UCD - So, so sorry. This is so difficult. Praying for you all.</p>
<p>I think that it is important that it be your daughter’s decision, as much as possible. That way, whatever happens, she will have had that bit of control. And won’t be inclined to blame anyone else when the anger hits.</p>
<p>That doesn’t mean her decision shouldn’t be guided. In extremely emotional situations, it is hard to see clearly. I was in Germany when my father chose to go on hospice. He said I shouldn’t come home. My mom said I shouldn’t come home. My sister said I shouldn’t come home. I was due to come home in 3 weeks anyway for my S1’s UPenn graduation - already had my ticket, and they all said that was soon enough. I called the hospital and the nurses and doctor told me he would probably last another month. My husband even felt that way. But I got a barrage of emails from friends who said, “What are you waiting for?” I moved my flight up 3 weeks, and got there the evening before he died. He died the next morning, with only me with him. The people closest to me said not to come; it was the people from a more objective distance who gave me the right advice.</p>
<p>And the last thing I would say to you is this: Whatever happens, whatever decision is made, do NOT second guess it. When/if your D second guesses it, you need to reassure her that her decision was exactly the right thing. No matter what. She will need your firm belief and confidence.</p>
<p>UCD, prayers and hugs and tears of sympathy for your situation. </p>
<p>I offer this from my husband’s perspective. His father was ill when he went off to college freshman year, 1000 miles from home. Three weeks into the term, doctors realized Dad was MUCH sicker than they thought, but Mother thought her college-aged kids should stay in school (she did not offer them a choice or tell them of the gravity). My husband never got to talk with his father again, since he died in a very short time. My husband just wished that he had been told, so he could have had a choice.</p>
<p>That said, DH said it was much easier for him to then return to college with all its work and distractions, than it was for his siblings still at home. </p>
<p>I guess I will now give the other side of the argument, having said that I would have wanted to be home if I’d known my father was going to die. That is completely true, but he died suddenly. I don’t have memories of him being sick. I have many memories of my mother’s illness; she died when I was a sophomore in high school. She was sick for many years and, unfortunately, those memories overshadow the memories of her healthier years. I wasn’t allowed to see her the last five weeks or so the last time she went into the hospital. While I think that was a mistake, I understand the thinking of the time and I’m pretty sure she would not have wanted me to see her like that. I’m also fairly certain she would not have recognized me. Part of what matters here is what your husband wants as well as what your daughter wants. While I’m not proud of it, I did feel resentful of having to give up some of my youth and fun to disease and death. Will your daughter resent it if she has to leave school? It is possible that she will and that might negate the positives of being home. I think a lot of it has to do with the quality of the time which is where hospice can advise you. I agree that she needs to weigh in as well – she shouldn’t feel forced into a decision either way – she is the one who will have to live with it.</p>
<p>I am so sorry to hear this. I agree with other posters that your daughter is old enough to make an educated guess about the best way for her to cope with this tragic situation.</p>
<p>Would it be possible for her to come home, but take some classes, get a part-time job, or otherwise give herself a routine to follow and people to connect with outside the family?</p>
<p>My Dad died of leukemia when I was 28. My husband and I were living overseas at the time he was diagnosed with 2 small children (2 and 3 mos). I flew home to be with him. Let me preface this that my relationship was tenuous at best (didn’t speak for yrs due parents divorce). I stayed home for 3 mos. with him and drove 70 min. each way everyday to the hospital. He went into remission, 3 mos. later I received a call that the cancer came back. My husband took a transfer back stateside and I lived with now a 3 and 1 yr old at my mom’s for 6 mos, while bullet was in another state. I spent many private hours with him, and was there holding his hand with my sister singing Frank Sinatra to him as he took his last breath. I will never ever regret those moments. We had many private conversations during those months, many of them were about he wanted for me, and we made peace with each other. As I write this I am crying over that loss, 14 yrs later. My brother did not make it in time, he was very close to him and I felt horrible, his answer was, we said out goodbyes when he was conscious and I am okay with not being here, that is what we decided when he was diagnosed as terminal.</p>
<p>Many people will say many different things, but in the end you are the one that should make the decision if your husband is being honest or noble. If it is latter, you will be the one living with his decision. Your daughter may have had a conversation with him privately that you are unaware of, but she deserves the right to make her decision regardless of your husbands desire.</p>
<p>My prayers, wishes and thoughts are with your family</p>
<p>It may be very hard to think about such practical matters at this time, but is it even possible for your daughter to miss one quarter without putting a whole year’s worth of college in jeopardy?</p>
<p>If your daughter is in a highly structured and sequential curriculum (such as a professional major or a scientific field), missing the second quarter might mean that she couldn’t take the proper courses in the third quarter of the current academic year or the first quarter of the next academic year because she wouldn’t have completed the necessary prerequisites. She might find it necessary to take a full year’s leave of absence from school to get back on the schedule for her curriculum.</p>
<p>On the other hand, if she’s in a liberal arts program, missing one quarter might be of little academic significance.</p>
<p>You might also want to talk to the college about 1) how much, if any, of her second quarter tuition and room-and-board costs could be refunded if she takes a leave of absence, and 2) whether they can provide her with housing for the third quarter if she misses the second.</p>
<p>If none of the things I’ve mentioned (or those that others here might think of) are insurmountable obstacles, it might be best if your daughter could choose between 1) taking a leave of absence, 2) staying at school, or 3) staying at school but arranging a long weekend or two at home in the near future while your husband is still able to carry on a conversation with her.</p>
<p>I am so sorry you have to go through this. It must be so painful. I wish your family strength and clarity through this terrible experience.</p>
<p>I agree your D will have to decide, but its tough at a young age to know the right things to do (what might feel right now, might feel like it was wrong later). </p>
<p>I was in school when my dad developed lung cancer. I flew across the country many times, trying to be in two places at once it seemed. It was hard to be there, and doubly hard when I had to fly back to school and say good bye. I was not there when he died. I was supposed to be coming back on a Thursday and he died on Wednesday and I couldn’t get there sooner. I missed the last two weeks of his life and have much much regret.</p>
<p>It still hurts me very much, despite even professional help with it. I sooooo regret my choice. To be honest, it was much easier for me to be away and it was my escape. It was hard to be home when I visited. But in hindsight I got short term gain for long term pain. If only I knew! I can’ t even remember what was going on that semester, what seemed so important then is utterly meaningless now. But I so miss my dad and I remember missing the last two weeks with my dad, or a whole relaxing semester, that I could have had but chose not to. Oh to get that time back!! And I feel so bad for him and for I that I wasn’t there when he left. </p>
<p>I know everyone is different. The ties to parents are different. How we cope is different. The circumstances of each situatoin are different. But you only lose your dad once and you have to do it the right way for you. Knowing the right way may be hard, especially when clouded with grief. So while it may be up to your D, please make sure she is aware of the different gains and losses with each choice. Let her talk to people who have lost parents to see what they would suggest. It is not just how you feel NOW that matters and being young, its hard to see your life ahead of you.</p>