<p>UCD…is she far from home? Can she get back quickly if she wanted. Is it possible for her to come home evey other weekend. Does it have to be all or nothing? If she can easily get home without too much financial strain maybe this is an option.</p>
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<p>I think, emotionally speaking, it’s all or nothing. And that’s really why she should stop school for awhile and come home. I can’t imagine having a parent or spouse die under these circumstances, but my sister did, and I had to clear out a portion of my life to spend it with her and her boys, and then afterwards to grapple with what had happened. Surely your daughter will need this too. However, I agree with the people who say it should, foremostly, be her decision. But let her know what’s really at stake. Does she want to get out of a midterm exam next term to find out that she missed her father’s final day for the sake of an exam? Life is long for those of us who expect to live our lives to their expected lengths. She can shift things around ever so slightly and accomodate one really important thing for her to focus on right now – i.e. the imminent departure of her father.</p>
<p>My thoughts are with you.</p>
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<p>Say no more. This pretty much says it all. Maybe it even indicates that your daughter should come whether she likes it or not – i.e. that you make the decision for her.</p>
<p>I remember one thing about my sister’s death: her ex-husband and father of her children was on the scene. One afternoon he went downstairs to where his teenage boys were playing video games and he told them to stop, that if they spent all the days before their mother’s passing playing video games, they would come to regret it horribly later in their lives. And they obeyed him.</p>
<p>School is certainly far more important than video games, but it’s got nothing on the father’s passing. Get her home.</p>
<p>“And the last thing I would say to you is this: Whatever happens, whatever decision is made, do NOT second guess it. When/if your D second guesses it, you need to reassure her that her decision was exactly the right thing. No matter what. She will need your firm belief and confidence.”</p>
<p>I think this is some of the best advice you have been given. You should do some soul-searching, and if you will resent her for not coming home, then it would be better for you to urge her to come home.</p>
<p>And don’t feel guilty if you make a decision and things change</p>
<p>if D chooses to stay in school, embrace that, if she comes home, embrace that</p>
<p>I disagree that if yo think you will resent her not coming home to urge her to…that will create even more stress if she feels coerced</p>
<p>You can’t live your life regretting decisions made…if D stays in school. and her Dad passes, that is okay…she shouldn’t feel bad for years and years for “not being there”.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your situation.</p>
<p>Has she spoken to a dean or whoever handles leave at her school? I had a serious illness in graduate school and felt guilty about asking for leave, but the dean was incredibly nice and went out of his way to help me and reassured me that he would see that I got back on track academically no matter what choice I made.</p>
<p>I am so sorry that your family is facing this.</p>
<p>A very good friend of mine died recently after waging a valiant battle against cancer. He had two kids in college. One lives away, one lives at home. The one who lives away was home from school in the weeks before he died. The son was a great source of strength to the whole family. He stayed home every night, never saw his friends unless they stopped by the house. He went to drive his girlfriend back to school, and his dad died that night. He was due to go back to school a couple of days later.</p>
<p>Every situation like this just breaks hearts. This kid was unbelievable during the wake and funeral…his dad would have been so proud of him. And he was proud of him. The fact that he wasn’t there when the dad died shouldn’t weigh on the kid. Thank God, he went back to school to start the new semester.</p>
<p>Ask your husband what he really wants. He may really want your daughter to stay engaged in school. No one knows when someone will pass…my friend really didn’t seem close to death at all; he actually died quite suddenly. That’s not how it happens sometimes; your daughter might finish the semester and next semester and your husband may still be with you.</p>
<p>Whatever the decision made, I hope it works out well for your daughter and your family.</p>
<p>After reading through all these posts, I offer this small piece of advice:</p>
<p>Help your daughter make this decision for herself, make sure that, whatever happens, there will be no second-guessing the decisions made at this time, but be willing to be flexible and change if needed.</p>
<p>Blessings to your family.</p>
<p>I know this does not help at all, losing your love and dealing with what ifs is horriffic, (I cannot say I understand, however, I can say I feel for you). AT the end of the day, please remember we will be with you through this site for support…night or day…I truly hope that we can be your sounding board. Scream, Yell, Cry, I promise you I will be there to listen. PM me if the thread becomes inactive. Just b/c none of us have never met, does not mean we are not willing to walk this road with you. You need to take care of yourself…there will be many hard days ahead, but believe it or not, there will also be many quiet moments that you will cherish forever.</p>
<p>Whether your D should or should not feel regret if she doesn’t spend time at her dad’s bedside is not the question. Read the pain in Starbright’s post to understand the pain she WILL feel for years to come if she doesn’t. Progress toward a degree can be made up another time. Her time with her dad & family can’t. The long term relationship between your daughters is likely to be strained, as well, if she doesn’t make an effort to come home. You are being very brave, but do think of yourself during these trying times. You are going to lose a beloved spouse & while you are being strong for your daughters, you will need support. You will all gain strength from leaning on one another as an intact family.</p>
<p>Bring her home. This time is so precious. If she is home with her dad, she will look back at this years from now with no regret.</p>
<p>Bring her home. She’s only going to have one chance to say goodbye, for all that involves for both of them. Once that opportunity is missed, it can never be recaptured. And yes, that goodbye will be painful, disruptive, and sometimes awkward. But, like the Dad, the goodbye is the only one she’ll ever have.</p>
<p>UCDAlum,
While you are taking care of everyone else, do you have someone to help take care of you? I do hope so. And I further hope that, when others offer to help, you allow them to. Perhaps the kindest thing you can do is allow your daughter to help support you as you are supporting her.</p>
<p>My Dad died of a heart attack when I was 12. He had been in the hospital for a week and everyone thought he was getting better. Every day my Mom would go visit and I would always refuse because I had bigger things on my jr. high agenda. My older sister was away in college (just one hour from home) and never came either. Mom didn’t insist because we all thought he was improving and would be released soon. When he died he died on a Friday morning after suffering a second heart attack in one week, none of us were there. Even though I was just a kid, I always regretted and felt guilty that I refused to go visit and never saw him again. </p>
<p>OP, My heart goes out to you and your girls. There is no right advice, just whatever your heart tells you to do. You will be in my prayers tonight.</p>
<p>PackMom - just a thought regarding your experience and the regret you have over a decision you made as an adolescent and the judgment you’re making on yourself from an adult perspective. The key difference between yours and the OP’s situation is that everyone thought your dad was coming home; the OP’s daughter knows for a fact she will not have her father around much longer. I think where true guilt for you might be appropriate would be if you knew your father was going to die, and still chose not to go see him because of the bigger things on your jr. high agenda. Even then, adolescence is a tricky age when it comes to coming face to face with someone who is dying in front of their eyes, and some kids just plain can’t handle it as directly as other kids.</p>
<p>I understand your regret, but go easy on yourself for the guilt.</p>
<p>Oh my. This is just so unspeakably cruel. </p>
<p>I may be inappropriate but my feeling is that at 18 I really don’t think I would have wanted the responsibility of making the decision of whether to stay at college or be with my father. I think in those terrible times one of the few sources of solace is feeling as if we are helping our loved ones. Let her help her father, let her help you, let her help herself by feeling her own power to help her loved ones right now.</p>
<p>I am so incredible sorry to hear this; I had hoped the latest efforts might turn things around. I do not have an intelligent suggestion, however, I would think that what your daughter wants to do is the way to go. </p>
<p>Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. If I can help in any way, please let me know.</p>
<p>there is probably no good answer.</p>
<p>As another poster has inquired,: Will you lose tuition/R&B $$ if your D returns to college, but has to come home mid-semester? If so, can you purchase “tuition insurance,” which some colleges offer just in case a child gets mono or something else and has to drop out for the semester. </p>
<p>Cyber prayers all around.</p>
<p>Many universities have a flexible policy to deal with this kind of family situation. Check with the office of the Dean of Students. They can expedite all kinds of things.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your comments and support. Some mention money. It is not a big problem. She goes to a state school, and her term has started, but the drop deadline has not passed. We have paid for her room this quarter, and I suspect because of that her room would be available for her return spring quarter. And yes, that is probably long enough. His doctors said weeks, versus months. As for years in school, again, not a worry, I took off a winter quarter, and had to stay 4 and a half years to pick up 4 winter quarters (I was ill…) and it wasn’t a big deal.</p>
<p>My worry with pulling her from school is that is where her friends and support is. And yes, it is close enough to come home every other weekend. (Or for school friends to come visit, for that matter) And I will have no trouble whatsoever embracing whatever choice she makes. Her room is here waiting for her if she wants to come home. I just want her to get through this with as little long term scars as possible. The hospice people are coming tomorrow. I’m hoping they have insight too.</p>
<p>It is so amazing to me to see how people in such a moment still can carry on such logical thinking and practical actions. I feel that I am learning so much. Thank you.</p>