<p>Oh, my heart aches for all of you. You know, of course, that whatever course she chooses will be difficult for her. And that difficulty will not be an indication that the choice was not the right one.
Holding you and your family in my heart.</p>
<p>If she takes the quarter off, maybe you can send her every few weeks to visit her friends, if possible. That might make it less difficult for her.</p>
<p>As she is fairly close and you are within the drop period is there any way she can take a light load this semester so she can have some work to keep her mind occupied but not so much that she would be overwhelmed or that there is too much lost, school wise, if she cannot cope. That might give her a compromise situation where she can have her school, support system there, and be able to come home for extended weekends. </p>
<p>Hopefully the hospice people can give you some insights though I imagine the ‘right’ answer will be different for each individual. </p>
<p>I don’t know what to say - your situation brings tears to my eyes. Just cyber hugs to you and your family. God bless.</p>
<p>First off, my condolences to your family.</p>
<p>One of my good friends lost his dad last semester right at the beginning of December. His dad started getting really sick a week or so before thanksgiving, and he took off the last few school days before the thanksgiving break. He dad survived and he thought everything was going to be ok, but after about half a week back, his dad died in emergency surgery. This was about 2 weeks before finals. My friends and I drove down on sunday to see him at his dad’s viewing. His girlfriend stayed with him all weekend and went to the funeral on Monday. At the viewing he told us he was going to not return to take his finals and was going to take incompletes, and deal with school the following semester.</p>
<p>At some point he changed his mind though, and came back that Wednesday. He made up an exam or two he’d missed from his previous time off, and took all his finals. He didn’t do exceptional, but he made it through that week, and then had 5 weeks for winter break to be with his mom and mourn. He told me the reason he came back is because he knew his dad had worked hard to send him through college, and would want him to continued what they’d both worked hard on for so long.</p>
<p>I’m not sure any of us are in a great position to give advice to your daughter. My friend was a sophomore and had a great support network, and he knew he could handle it emotionally. His 21st birthday was last weekend, and his girlfriend went all out with the planning, and I think that just hanging out with his friends and enjoying himself was some of the best medicine he could have asked for. </p>
<p>I can’t imagine how I’d react or what I’d choose to do if I were in her shoes.</p>
<p>Edit: I read your whole post, and realized the situation isn’t that similar. Its a tough call. My grandfather survived a heart attack this summer. The first day i spent about 24 hours straight in the hospital. After that I starting longing for the comfort of my bed, the ability to spend just a few minutes online, etc. When I did things for myself and wasnt by his bedside, I would feel guilty and wonder “what if something goes wrong and he passes, and I regret not spending this moment with him?” But when I did go in there, he was asleep 95% of the time, and things would get mind numbingly boring, and I’d get even more depressed with nothing to do to pass the time.</p>
<p>She is still a freshman, so its likely most of her classes are lower level classes, right? Maybe she could come home and enroll in 9 hours at a community college so that’d she’d have time for school and visitation.</p>
<p>Another “stranger” on the internet sending light and peace to you and your family during this rough time.</p>
<p>Listen to your heart, and your gut. The answer is there.</p>
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<p>She’ll have long-terms scars in any case. She will be hurt by this. And it will go on in her life. But if she deals with it squarely and doesn’t pretend that it doesn’t matter or can be relegated to a weekend activity, then at the appropriate time with the help of her friends, she’ll be able to turn the page as cleanly as is possible. Bring her home if it’s weeks and not months. Remember that not all weeks of dying are equal. He may be semi-conscious and halfway gone sooner than one expects. The hospice people should be able to tell you about this process of dying. She should get home soon.</p>
<p>In my experience, and unfortunately I have some of this particular sort of experience, it’s extremely hard to know just how much time there is left.</p>
<p>However, if the doctors are talking <em>weeks</em> IMO it’s either time to come home OR time to make plans with the school for a leave of absence to be taken when it becomes necessary. </p>
<p>My best advice to get all the home health care and hospice care that you can afford – so that you can spend quality time and not have to worry about the laundry and the dishes and the medical procedures – and also so you can have someone right there for <em>your</em> support.</p>
<p>I have been there and done that, and we couldn’t get hospice ramped up fast enough. Be strong, be well, and know we are all thinking of you and your family.</p>
<p>UCDAlum,
I think you should strongly consider bringing your D home. I went through this in the “olden days” when I was in graduate school and my parents did not tell me that my father was ill. They wanted to “spare me” the anguish. I wish I had gotten the chance to give my young adult input and come home and spend time with my Dad. My thoughts and prayers are with you.</p>
<p>I just want to say that all of these messages of support and comfort are wonderful. UCD, I hope you feel all of us out here. I also wanted to thank people who have talked about their own family circumstances and how painful it was to be left out of the loop. It has gotten me thinking about how I would want to handle things and reaffirms how we discuss these tough subjects with our kids.</p>
<p>Strength and hope to all in need of healing…</p>
<p>Since you have asked for input, I offer it along with my deep condolences. </p>
<p>A matter of weeks means she should leave college and come home at once to spend time with her father before it is too late. Her support system is her family for now. She should come while he can still communicate with her and be the father she knows, before he becomes so weak or drugged that her presence is no longer meaningful. College will wait; her college friends will be there when she returns. She will not get this time with her father back again , ever, no matter how much she might wish for it. And she will. </p>
<p>I went through this when my sister was dying while I was living abroad with a newborn and a three-year-old and a husband who was traveling. I tried to “time” my return home to be the least disruptive to my own nuclear family and yet be there for my sister and parents. I wish I had arrived sooner and with a lot more time. She died two days after I arrived and she was by then so heavily medicated that it was clear my delay was the wrong decision. At the time, my mother did not want to tell me what I ought to do. There are times I wish she had, that she had come out and said, “you must come now.”</p>
<p>IMO, your D is too young to have this decision thrust upon her without the guidance of her parents. Tell her clearly what you and your H think she ought to do and of course, be supportive whatever that decision may be.</p>
<p>UCD, I have no insight to offer, nor do I have any words of wisdom. I am just adding my thoughts and prayers for your entire family. Do what you think is best, and let that be what is best. Huge cyber hugs to you to hold you close as you prepare to say goodbye to the man you married.</p>
<p>My father died suddenly at the end of my junior year in college when I was away in my college town. Even with hindsight, I don’t know whether, had we had advance warning of any kind, it would have been “best” to leave school to be with him or stay at school for all the reasons you so wisely and generously have considered, UCDAlum.</p>
<p>I think there is no right answer. And I think it is fine to leave it up to her with the caveat that I would worry whether this might, itself, put undue pressure on her. You know your daughter best, but that is one thing I would consider. Will she feel regret if she is responsible for the “wrong” decision?</p>
<p>That said, I don’t think there is a wrong or right. Rather what’s right for your family. Two very close friends of mine have died in the last 7 years from cancer, while each one’s only child was at college. In the first case, the son started his freshman year knowing that his father was terminal but not “how much time” he had. As it happened, his father died over Thanksgiving weekend when he was home with him. So, this was a case of “continue in school” and I am quite sure there were no regrets. Since your daughter is reasonably close, it sounds like if she decides to stay in school, she still has an excellent chance of being able to be there with him in his very final days.</p>
<p>In the second case, the daughter chose to take a leave from school (semester system) and live with her mother and be the primary caretaker. It was a beautiful thing to see. I’m sure there are no regrets in this case either.</p>
<p>Each of these two families handled it differently and each was “right.”</p>
<p>As so many have said, my thoughts are with you and I know you, your husband and your daughter will make the right choice.</p>
<p>Well, my daughter came home the last weekend my husband was really lucid, and she sat with him, and talked to him. As I drove with her to pick up take out dinner, she said she had closure, and would be going back to school. When we came home my husband for the first time could not eat the food, and his decline started sharply from there. The next day he couldn’t walk, and she helped me get him back into bed the first two times he was sure he could make it. Her friend, who had flown out from the east coast to support her, took her back to the airport, and the third time he fell I called 911. I kept her informed while his family came out to say their goodbyes. His family mourning was very hard on our younger daughter, and I was thankful my eldest was away at school, as there was nothing she could have done, and she would have felt awful stuck between heartbroken grandparents and a little sister who needed to feel this was not the end of the world. (And I really only had the strength to shield one child). </p>
<p>He came home from the hospital, and died at home, shortly after the end of the super bowl. I think he was waiting for the full circle. We first met at at super bowl party many, many years ago. My daughter flew home from school the next morning, and was stressed as she felt she might have to drop a class or two, as one professor was adament that she could not make up the test she was missing, and she hadn’t heard from the others yet. By evening I had assurances from the dean of students they would fix this, and the other professors had gotten back to her and straightened it out. (Yes, huge publics can be very compassionate.) This week we are together, and last night, as we all sat down to watch a silly old favorite movie I got the feeling we were all going to be okay.</p>
<p>UCDAlum82, I’m sorry.
The best of luck to you, your daughters and the rest of your family.</p>
<p>Hugs to you, dear UCDAlum, now it is time for us to take care of you. It sounds like all went as well as possible, and there will be few regrets. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Lorelei</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your loss. </p>
<p>And angry that you had to spend any time yesterday dealing with unsympathetic professors. I’m glad that compassion prevailed.</p>
<p>Thank you for posting your story which is heartbreaking and brave.</p>
<p>I am happy your husband got to go full circle and be among his loved ones at home. Lots of love to you and your family.</p>
<p>SBmom</p>
<p>You are so thoughtful to share with us how this has been unfolding. I’m sure that I have not been alone in wondering and holding you and your family in my thoughts. My deepest condolences go to you and the girls. Your love and care for them shines through your posts. I do hope you also have people who will help care for you. Please allow them the privilege of doing so.</p>
<p>Holding you in my heart, though we are strangers,
~mafool</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your loss. Condolences to you and your girls.</p>
<p>Thank you so much.</p>
<p>And here’s to the future of your family.</p>