<p>I am surprised to hear so little about this very timely and sensitive subject.
Anyone have any words of wisdom?</p>
<p>No words of wisdom here…just the constant reminders–making dinner and realizing that when I was counting out how many potatoes to make, it was for 3 and not for 4 anymore…realizing in the grocery store that I’m only shopping for the 3 of us, and I don’t need to buy Craisins or the cereal D1 really likes anymore. I’m lucky and have a communicative D…today she got a card from me, we’ve talked on the phone, texted each other, sent emails to each other, and had a really (good) intense IM session (talking about her relationship w/ boyfriend hundreds of miles away now). Other than the IM session, I’ve let her initiate her other contacts to me. She’s sounds like she’s doing great—today was the 1st day of classes, and since we dropped her off on Saturday, she’s been very busy and meeting tons of people (mostly guys—altho with an astrology/physics major and computer science minor, most of her classmates will be of the male persuasion…). </p>
<p>I would also like to hear from people who’ve been through this before. There is a good thread that I read some of last year…the Maybe-he-doesn’t-miss-us-as-much-as-we-miss-him or something like that… For myself, I’ve been intentionally keeping busy, and I started taking a Spanish class at the local community college, and am looking to add another continuing ed class to my repertoire.</p>
<p>there are at least a dozen threads on this topic…from what to send, how to deal with pets, and siblings, with shipping, to what to do with the bedroom!!!</p>
<p>my Ds just shared what they Won’t miss, me standing in there doorway, just looking…</p>
<p>We had the freshman separation experience with both my Ds. It was easier the second time. (Sorry D2) The first time I was very unprepared to be so sad. I really expected to be happy that D1 was going to a school she loved. I surprised myself by crying the whole day we brought her to school. So with D2 I was prepared. I made mental notes to be strong. Her entire senior year I told everyone who would listen that I was going to be an emotional wreck. Well, guess what? I was not as sad as I thought I’d be. I think separation gets easier with experience.</p>
<p>I miss him, but not unexpectedly. I recently got an email titled “Life” and had this moment of “oh he’s going to tell us something!”, but no he just wanted advice about where to buy Life cereal.</p>
<p>My mother is the real emotional crier in the family, so color me surprised when in the fall I started getting calls and emails from my father (usually regarding sports, less often politics or trees). My dad had been married before he married my mother, and he had kids in the house for 37 straight years until I left. He couldn’t get over how quiet the house was. I could predict a dramatic increase in calls whenever my mother was going to be away on a business trip for a day or two. </p>
<p>My mom and dad had sent three kids to college before me, so it was a process they were well used to, but my parents–and especially my dad–really like having kids in the house and are used to that flutter of activity. My parents could never understand the other parents who expressed how happy they were once their kids left and they had more time to themselves. I guess that my parents really just like having kids around. </p>
<p>All four of us, ranging in age from my brother–38 and married with kids–to me–18 and going into my second year in college, keep in pretty close touch with our parents. My oldest siblings call once or twice a week, and my sister and I call a few times a week and email more often. Some parents on this board have posted about how grown children and college students keep in too close contact with their parents, but I don’t really see the problem with keeping close relationships. Family is worth some sacrifice, and you can get a lot out of these relationships if you put work into them.</p>
<p>MathMom: I love it! I tend to title my emails home “hi” due to a total lack of creativity, but I can definitely see myself doing something like that. :)</p>
<p>That is a classic mathmom. I love it!</p>
<p>I’m sorry but I don’t have advice. I’m happy to see mine go into the great wide world and sort themselves independently. They are too old, too big, too riotous, too nocturnal and too popular to live under our feet with their nine million friends. </p>
<p>A few weeks with them underfoot like two mad mini-typhoons and I need a vacation!</p>
<p>S1 left for college just over two weeks ago. I knew I would be sad but didn’t realize that I would just get teary eyed seeing his room empty! And just like astrophysicsmom, I have been thinking of those same things…the house is quieter, meals are different…life is just different. S has not called but we have emailed a few times and im twice. When I asked if he would call me during the second im he asked “why?” he would rather type than talk. But I am glad that he is doing well and meeting new people, and having fun. It has gotten easier for me because I know that he is enjoying his new life. But I still really miss him.
On the up side, I find that S2 and I are spending more time together. He seems to be opening up more to me and just hanging around more. Could be that he too is having trouble adjusting to his big brother being gone. I think this time will be really good for him…more of our time and attention…like being an only child.</p>
<p>mathmom- That is one of the best things I’ve read on CC in a long time!
Dropped our son off on Sunday. We thought we wouldn’t hear from him because of orientation, parties, etc. but we have gotten a few phone calls giving us updates, asking advice re: profs, bureaucracy. I just wish that summer was a bit longer. It’s all good though, upward and onward!</p>
<p>When we dropped our daughter off at Barnard two years ago pandemonium reigned! Maybe it was the women’s college thing, or the sheer amazing impracticality of unloading things from the car right on B’way, but all the parents bonded while their daughters ran around like chickens without heads. It was divine chaos. I was sad but exciting too, and I still had S at home for two years and the task of his college apps and college trips to look forward to.</p>
<p>We just got back from Williamstown after dropping him off. He’s the last. D hasn’t gone back to Barnard yet so we have a child with us for two more days only. It’s so different this time. First of all W’town was sedate: no hysteria, and I missed it. Parents politely nodded at each other, but no one ran into the room with a crazed look on her face asking if we had a hammer (for lofting). D helped S with organization (she’s the expert now.) This showed me she was a woman and that the kids could function perfectly without me, which was wonderful but a little sad, as I’m sure you all can imagine.</p>
<p>We stayed over for last minute things we might have forgotten; there were a few. That night in a lovely hotel I felt such grief that I doubted I could go back to ordinary life. S did not call, and we did not call him. He called in morning so we could plan meeting time. We met at bank to open his account, and he said he would like to go out to lunch with us. Soooooooo we did. Hearing him tell of his wonderful night and all the friends he’d made went a long way to dispelling my grief. Knowing his life will expand and that I don’t have to really worry about him was all I really needed to know.</p>
<p>When H and D were up looking at dessert choices (D is one of those lucky people who eats dessert whenever she wants and just keeps getting more slender) S said he could barely eat his lunch. I asked, “it’s from excitement?” He said, “and anxiety.” I asked if this were about academics or social issues, Williams not being the easiest school. He said, “a little of both, but more just dreading you’re leaving. You’re my best friend.” So I knew I needed to be strong and act like this was just the most wonderful thing in the world, which it really is. I hope I get an Oscar in March or April.</p>
<p>We drove him back to dorm while D went up with him to help with some last minute something while we waited in the car. Since then I have gotten a one sentence e-mail detailing things to overnight today (primarily metronome, the loved/hated object, haha) and another one sentence replying to my rather chatty e-mail about the friends we saw on the ferry coming home. Oh well.</p>
<p>I don’t feel grief; just a bit of emptiness. And now I have no more excuses for all the things for myself that need attending to. We drop D off tomorrow. Then no one here but us chickens.</p>
<p>What a strange culture! We pay bank breaking tuitions to torture ourselves by sending them away. What will a future anthropologist make of it?</p>
<p>Having been through the process with S (now a college senior), I thought I was prepared to go through it with D (a freshman), but it feels different this time because there are no kids left at home. I’m lonely, but that’s not my kids’ problem. </p>
<p>As the weeks go on, I think you will find that the separation from your freshman is more gradual than first-timers might expect. There’s usually a lot of communication between parent and freshman over practical matters (schedule changes, money issues, things the student forgot to bring, questions about how to handle medical/dental issues, etc.). And with all the new stuff going on in the student’s life, the occasional e-mail from Mom or Dad asking about how something is going seems natural. Also, freshmen typically come home for most if not all of the college breaks (if only to see their high school friends), so there will be a reasonable amount of face-to-face communication (even if most of it consists of “Mom, can I take the car tonight?”).</p>
<p>What was hard for me the first time, and will be hard again this time, is the longer-term separation that occurs as the student becomes increasingly independent, the parent becomes less involved in the details of the student’s life, and the student starts spending some vacation periods in places other than home.</p>
<p>This is a natural process, and it has been gradually developing with my first child over the past three years. I know it will happen again with the second one. It’s the way it’s supposed to be, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t painful. </p>
<p>Childbirth was painful, too. I guess it makes sense that the process of “adultbirth” (which is what’s really happening here – they’re becoming adults) would also hurt.</p>
<p>Marian: I used that analogy in my head, too! But with childbirth we got a baby. Now? Well, maybe we’re the ones being born in “adult” birth, facing the world without our umbilical cords attached to our wonderful children for nourishment. Now we have to go it alone!</p>
<p>My son has always been Mr. Reticence, most of his communication through his wonderful eyes, so I don’t think we’ll have that barrage of back and forth. D has been known to call me four times a d (one minute detail calls, but fun nevertheless, even though she’s been away for a while) so here the “weaning” was more gradual.</p>
<p>My middle kid is a college senior this year, and is looking at job ops and grad schools across country. All I can think of is how upset my mother was when H and I moved south, and how what goes around comes around. Serves me right. But oh, how I dread it.</p>
<p>As it is, my oldest is on the same coast, but still only gets a limited amount of vacation (and has an even more limited amount of money). When given a choice, he will go to see his brother over his parents any day. Right now we can still count on everybody together at Christmas, but I wonder how long that will last.</p>
<p>S2 leaves for school next week. We took D two weeks ago. So it’s going to be quiet here soon. Last night I was remembering moving into this big house 10 years ago, thinking we finally had enough room. At that time we had 3 kids and 3 cats. Now we have 1 cat, and way too much room. Can’t downsize, though, 'cause the kids still have rooms full of stuff they’re storing here.</p>
<p>Yesterday I got an email from a friend, who’s D is a freshmen at Clemson. She was out jogging with her roommate the day before and the roommate collapsed and died. I don’t even know the girl, but I feel such pain for everyone involved. At least I still have Christmas.</p>
<p>Oh binx! that is so sad. That must have been just horrible for your daughter, too. Is she doing okay? And it’s scary. That happened at middle school when my son was in seventh grade. During gym one of the biggest, bonniest boys just collapsed and died. He had a congenital heart defect that had gone undiagonosed. He was rushed to the hospital, but it was too late. And his father was a physician on staff there and saw him brought in. Now they have defibrillators at the school.</p>
<p>Since this was two weeks after 9/11 in NY the kids had about as much trauma as they could take. Life is very precious. We do have to remember that everyday.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter can rebound from that experience and have a good year at school. And my heart goes out to the girl’s family.</p>
<p>Here’s to your Christmas.</p>
<p>May our separations be as brief as Christmas to Christmas always.</p>
<p>My D is relatively unaffected. She is not at the same school, and barely knows my friend’s D - they’ve grown up in different states and have only met two or three times.</p>
<p>holycow0515, it is a timely subject and worthy of yet another thread, but I’m not sure how you can say it hasn’t been covered on CC.</p>
<p>Search threads on Empty Nest - there are several, and a long one called “We Miss Him, Maybe He Doesn’t Miss Us?” Also “How to get your college student to call you.”</p>
<p>Love the comments!</p>
<p>I was thinking of the childbirth analogy as we said our goodbyes and watched younger D walk away toward her future. With childbirth you have pain with a wonderful gift in return. With “adultbirth”, as Marian so beautifully tagged it, what the result will be is an unknown. One picture that will be with me until my dying day is the pained expression on my husband’s face as he hugged our youngest D goodbye - literally broke my heart. </p>
<p>We are the opposite of mmom, having the youngest leave has been much harder than older D. I guess when older D left, we still had a “fall back” child at home!</p>
<p>Older D is a college senior and has the program down. Things are great and we have no worries. With younger D we have been on a roller coaster ride with our emotions the past week. One day she calls all excited about some event, the next day we have tears. One day she asks a group if she can eat with them, the next day she says she has eaten her meals sitting alone. One day she meets someone with common interests, the next day she says “I don’t think any of these people in my peer advising group are really my peers”. My husband says that these things are also part of what she is learning at college, I just wish they weren’t so painful - especially for the parents!</p>
<p>Was glad to see this thread. My second (and last) daughter is leaving this weekend. My son is studying abroad. I feel such an incredible sense of loss already, and a tremendous amount of anxiety about their adjustment/wellbeing. This kind of suprises me. I have a very full life outside my kids: a big job, many friends, a lot of interests. But the mom part of my life has been the most rewarding for me and suddenly I feel like it’s over. Am not really ready for this.</p>
<p>Read the book “Letting Go” - it’s hilarious, but full of wisdom. It’s particularly good for over-anxious parents who think their kid won’t be able to survive without them.</p>
<p>MidwestParent–I would have been able to keep my emotions in check (at least until I got out the door), until I looked up and saw H hugging D and whispering something to her. It was then that I lost it completely.</p>