<p>Roger - Karen Levin Coburn, author of “Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years”, is employed by Washington University and gave a talk entitled “Letting Go” during parent orientation last week (with the other author Madge Lawrence Treeger present in the audience). There was a lot of good advice and a lot of tears on the part of the parents. I was telling my sister (whose son will soon leave for his freshman year at Northwestern) about the talk and she said, “I would have been tempted to yell out - What if I don’t wanna!! (let go, that is)”. You would have to know my sister’s sense of humor, but I thought it was a riot!!</p>
<p>I haven’t read the book (yet) but I think it sounds like it would be good for all sorts of parents, not just those who think their kids won’t be able to survive without them. Two students gave a skit (one male and one female) about what you might expect to hear from your student during phone calls you might receive at two weeks out, six weeks out, during finals, etc. It was really humorous. I told my husband that what they said was very similiar to some of the things we have heard from our daughter, except there were no tears in the skit.</p>
<p>APM - I know what you mean, believe me, I know what you mean.<br>
One day our daughter came home from high school and said that a lot of her friends were saying that they couldn’t wait to get out of town and they couldn’t wait to get away from their parents. Then she simply said, “I don’t feel that way”. My husband told her that there were parents who couldn’t wait for the day that their student moved out of the house, and then told her, “We don’t feel that way”. </p>
<p>It is not that we feel like our D won’t survive without us, it is just that we have so enjoyed the last 22 years of having kids at home. Any parents who tells you they enjoyed it all would be lying. But, all in all, it has been a wonderful 22 years. Things will just be so different now.</p>
I completely know what you mean. I have many other meaningful things in my life, but right now there is just a whole lot of emptiness. I’m sure it will pass. However…
Please do not take this the wrong way, but at least you have a child who CONTACTS YOU. As with so many parents of boys, we have not heard a thing from him since we dropped him off Sunday. We reached him by phone twice, but he said approximately 5 words each time and hung up. No calls from him, his cell is either turned off or out of batteries or lost, no emails, he hasn’t even been on AIM. For all I know, he got lost. I wonder if his new roommates would think to let someone know if he didn’t come back some night?</p>
<p>So not to trivialize your hurts, which are oh so real. Just consider that at least you’re hearing your child’s voice, and you have some window into what her life is like, as painful as it is to listen to the roller coaster. Some of us don’t have the first clue what’s happening with our kids (almost all of whom are sons ). In fact, I’m taking bets on how long it will be before he calls home: wanna get in on the action? ;)</p>
<p>Mootmom - In the “Letting Go” skit I mentioned they had one boy and one girl. The girl went first, pretending to call her mom. She was very chatty, talking about everything under the sun. When it was the boy’s turn, he started the conversation with a slow, drawn out, “H e l l o M o m.<br>
I’m sorry. I know it’s been two weeks since you dropped me off. I’m sorry. I know. I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better. Can I talk to Dad?” “Dad, I don’t know how it happened, but I am running a little short on cash. Could you send me some?” It got a big laugh, but as Freud said, “Truth in humor!” Being the parent of two girls, I did not had the privledge of raising a boy so as to experience “the other side”.</p>
<p>The sister I mentioned, on the other hand, is the mother of two boys. It is her oldest who will soon leave for school. I know she is dreading it even more because she won’t have that daily contact, not even by phone.</p>
<p>mootmom: As the mother of a son and a daughter I say Amen and Amen.</p>
<p>My son sent a e-mail with a list of three things he wanted sent and then another to say thankyou. But it hasn’t been since Saturday. Just know that he loves you.</p>
This says everything we need to say. And, truly, for us MOS whose sons surround themselves with the Cone of Silence, it’s not emptiness or loneliness that has us craving the contact. It’s just wanting that minimum amount of communication that will let us know that they are happy and we needn’t worry.</p>
<p>There is hope.<br>
Last year, my S spent senior year of hs in China. Communication was almost nil for weeks! I thought when we dropped him off at college this past weekend we would never hear from him again. I mean, if he didn’t call when he was over there, why should he now?
Well, we have been pleasantly surprised with a phone call every day. However, the content is really what is surprising: tales of how he mastered the metro in one day, or partied at a club, or managed to get into a closed-out course. I think he really wants us to know he can do all this now but wants to be ultra-casual about these accomplishments.
Just wait, all you moms of sons, it may change.</p>
<p>I can testify also that sons and daughters are different. With both my sons, we had to set up a plan that I would be calling every (or most) weekend (when they have free minutes on their cells). It was work to do it; hard to talk to your kid when it’s clear in his voice he wishes he were elsewhere. In the very beginning, I would actually keep a list of questions to keep them talking for a few minutes. Especially with second son, we had to “lay down the law” a little. “No, we’re not going to tell you what to do. But we’re interested, and heavily involved ($), and would like to hear something about our investment…” He had the hardest schedule due to rehearsals and gigs on Saturdays, and I talked to his voice mail often, but he was good about calling back.</p>
<p>I’m glad I have that habit established, because now they will actually call me once in awhile if the weekend is getting past and I haven’t called. “It’s Saturday… [unspoken: why haven’t you called me?]” Or I’ll get an email from them saying Saturday is busy, but try Sunday afternoon. They have reached a point where it is a part of their lives, but I really did have to work to get them to accept it. Now conversations easily last 30 or 40 minutes, and conversation flows easier. </p>
<p>So mothers of sons, hang in there! </p>
<p>I was dreading D going off, and having just one more Saturday phone call to plan. But she has called and/or emailed almost every single day so far. Like mythmom said so well, “my daughter always lets me in her life.” I prefer the shorter, more frequent calls I get from her, but I’m happy to get as much contact as I do with all my kids.</p>
<p>S2 leaves in just 6 days. I’m bracing for the emptiness.</p>
<p>jmmom: You so eloquently said exactly what I’m feeling!</p>
<p>MOS here also (only child, too). DS a freshman for all of 11 days, but, gosh, it feels like a couple of months to me. I have this icky empty feeling in my chest. The Cone of Silence is definitely engaged…</p>
<p>woody and binx: Thanks for the glimmers of hope! :)</p>
<p>Okay, I just wiped the last tear (for today) away after reading this thread!</p>
<p>S1 is at college (freshman year) for over a week now. When we had to say our final goodbyes, he conveniently had his roommate there so I wouldn’t make a scene. Well, its been tears ever since because he IM’s his brother and calls his dad, on MY CELL no less, but when I want to say a quick “HI!,” I get the quick: sry, g2g now -or- k answers!! Should have bought Kleenex stock!! Well, today, S1 finally decided to chat with me!! YEAH!! But of course he wanted something!! He seems to be adjusting well after the initial anxiety-mixed-with-excitement feelings. I’m getting better, trying to occupy myself at work and with friends. Getting S2 ready for school next week has also kept me busy. </p>
<p>Hoping it gets better as the weeks go by: my feelings as well as S1 communicating more!!</p>
<p>mathmom-I loved the “Life” story! It’s better than my son’s email story, but I’ll share anyway.</p>
<p>1st email from “math genius son” : “I’m having fun staying up all night doing Calculus.”
2nd email, a week later: “Mom, send me quarters so I can do my laundry.”
(He will never live this down)</p>
<p>Saying “good-bye” was a little hard, but our problem now is little brother misses his big brother. They used to fight constantly, and I’m enjoying the peace, but he misses the constant conversations and debates.</p>
<p>I dropped off my third child at college last week. I still have two at home, but it is awfully quiet. Too quiet. I hate it. What will I do when nobody is home?</p>
<p>I e-mailed one of my sons AGAIN after I had e-mailed and left a couple of phone message over the course of several days. I said something like “Moms worry when they don’t hear from their kids . . .” He wrote back “I’m still here.” Yes, that was the entire e-mail. Aw, he DOES care! :)</p>
<p>Mythmom, I’m with you–spoke with S1 after 8 days. He said “We just talked, like, three or four days ago.” He has a cold and I think he’s doing well, but I miss him, especially his physical presence and hearing funny every day stories and his (usually strong) opinions about things. Parents weekend will be welcome!</p>
<p>My only child is still home. His college starts after the middle of September.
The house will really be quiet after that. At least now I have the advice from all of you to know exactly what to expect. It is going to be really hard. </p>
<p>With most of his friends already moved into college, at least he will spend more time with us before he leaves.</p>
<p>Anxiety? I think it is more me than him!!! We will probably miss him more than he miss us.</p>
<p>SJTH: I’m with you too, but if I started listing all the things I missed I’d have myself crying. Right now we (D, H and I) miss his help in loading the car (and then unloading it) to take D back to college today. She just bounced in and gave me an update on every phone call she’s had this morning and the exact schedule of friends she is seeing today and who she’s doing what with. (All those w’s!) That’s girls!</p>
<p>And her excitement (not nerves anymore I hope, but maybe just a little, classes etc.) makes her come out; excitement, nerves etc. usually makes my guy withdraw into the world of the one word response.</p>
<p>I’m with Mmom, it was easier the second time around. Good thing, since I had strict instructions from D2 that I was not to cry until I left campus. It helped that Swarthmore had things organized beautifully. Students stood on every corner with signs telling you where to go for various dorms. A team of cheery students met you at the door and hauled in all the stuff from your car. There was no help at D1’s school during her freshman move-in and all around the dorms were crying moms & screaming dads. Yes, I was one of them that time but DH managed to stay calm.</p>
<p>dropped off our only children last week. H and I then spent few days at a lovely resort in WV to decompress. We both occassionally shed some tears, but it is getting easier.</p>
<p>Coming home to the empty house was very interesting. I truly dreaded walking into their bedrooms and seeing the emptiness. However, both SS’s rooms were complete disasters, so one of my first tasks was to clean and throw out as much junk as I could. When I opened the door to one of the rooms I could not believe my eyes. My longtime housekeeper who has known us since the boys were 6 or 7 had straightened the room and organized everything. I couldn’t be sad because I didn’t recognize the room at all.</p>
<p>Since dropping them off we have had many text messages back and forth dealing with the “no-show” refrigerators, laundry questions, and the overwhelming work load (engineering). One of the boys has a cold and that has made him more irritable than usual. Plus the 95+ degrees and no A/C hasn’t helped.</p>
<p>So, for good or bad, they still need to stay in touch. I am sure as they become more acclimated, the texts will lessen in frequency. Surprisingly, I am OK with that.</p>
<p>I’m still chuckling over the “life” email from Mathmom’s son. I thought I had done a good job preparing my s for school, but then I got an email the other day…his honors english class had been dropped before classes started but then added back with a different professor. S emails to let me know he got the class back and then asked, “I think there are some books required for this class, what should I do?”</p>
<p>I couldn’t decide if he was serious or not! My response was, “Ummm…duuuh! You go get them at the bookstore!” He wrote back, “Were you shaking your head and giving a heavy sigh?!”</p>
<p>hahahahahahaha, it drove him nuts for years and now that is what he’s visualizing, hahaha (Idk, should I be insulted?!). Thank goodness for email and texting. I thought I was being really good only emailing 2/3 times a week, but then I find out H has been texting S every morning!!!</p>
<p>I’ve turned to this thread for some support and ideas. S2 will be packaged off to college in 3 weeks, and I will then be an empty nester. I already have plans to de-boy my home, but feel the need to come up with a ritual or celebration to mark this important step in my life.Both sons were away all summer, but this morning this is feeling much more final and looming. I’ve got a 1 hour drive by myself after S2 is moved in, and although shedding some tears is ok; need to come up with something nurturing for the drive back, and then a celebration/ritual afterwards. any thoughts?</p>
). In fact, I’m taking bets on how long it will be before he calls home: wanna get in on the action? ;)</p>