<p>We moved frshman S into school Monday, and have had only 2 e-mails since then, no calls, no responses even to my e-mail of “Did you get registered for classes?”. I am surprised how tear-free I have been, considering how bad I was for weeks before he left. I was not bad when we left him on Monday, a bit worse on Tuesday, then cleaned his room Wednesday and no tears. Still have D at home for three years, so still a lot of driving around to distract me. I do not want to call, I just hate that awkward silence and monosyllable answers that just mean they want to hang up. I’ll hold out over the weekend, probably call Sunday night. I hope we can get a routine established.</p>
<p>Eldest two children moved out and into their own places about a week before our youngest left for college. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Empty Nest is the greatest!!! Don’t misunderstand, I love my children deeply and I’m looking forward to seeing our youngest next weekend at Family Weekend but our electric bill, water bill, gas bill, and grocery bill have all dropped considerably. We clean house and a week later it still looks the way it looked right after we cleaned it. There are no shoes and clothes strewn from the front door to wherever they’ve wound up. It’s wonderful.</p>
<p>Great responses to my original post. </p>
<p>I just keep reminding myself that if we have to be separated (and we all do), these are the best possible circumstances under which the separation could occur.</p>
<p>mathmom: I never told you I loved your Life anecdote too.</p>
<p>Actually, I loved all the humorous stories about sons’ reticence. What gives here?</p>
<p>I finally did something that elicited some emotion from S: I priority mailed an Abbey Road street sign I found for sale in a little shop in our town. He asked, “Where did you find it?” in a hushed, awed tone.</p>
<p>Just got back from dropping off D at Barnard. We managed, without S to fetch and carry. One thing we can count on in Manhattan: ELEVATORS! They were a big help.</p>
<p>You can actually see the Hudson River from her room. I couldn’t afford it if I tried. She has a single that looks at a gorgeous, arced Beaux Artes building, and then there’s the river just to the left.</p>
<p>We were going to do something really exciting, but after packing and moving two kids I was just too tired. We stopped for dinner at our favorite restaurant, only ten blocks away. Felt a bit guilty about not letting her know we were dining in her city, but her friends had already arrived, and she was happy making evening plans.</p>
<p>We were blessed by a trafficless ride home (what gives? It’s Labor Day Weekend; where was the Hamptons crowd?), and we actually got home in about an hour and a half.</p>
<p>Now it’s strange. The cicadas and tree frogs are singing their yearly late August chorus, every measure sounding, “summer’s over summer’s over summer’s over”. I guess it is.</p>
<p>But I have still have two seasons to go, and isn’t Fall beautiful? At least in the Northeast it is.</p>
<p>Happy Fall everyone.</p>
<p>mythmom you have many more seasons to go - don’t we all?</p>
<p>Persephone was one of my favorite myths…</p>
<p>Thank you for the reference Alumother. H left D pomegranate bars.</p>
<p>I’m enjoying this thread. </p>
<p>Mathmom, I’m just glad he was looking for “Life” as his subject title, and not “Bear Naked” Granola ;)</p>
<p>Mythmom, a Manhattan view for D and Green Mountains for S is great but I see the problem: you have a view of their bedroom doors, big sigh there. I am relating!!</p>
<p>We launched our youngest in California last week; all went well there, but upon return it all hit me and I wept for a solid day. </p>
<p>Then it was time for the middle child (new college grad) who’s been hanging with us for the summer. Suddenly, like the change of seasons, she expressed a new urgency to clear out of here and get on with it in her newly identified home-town (Providence, RI). It was time to launch her own gapyear (hopefully JUST a year…) before grad or professional school, TBD. </p>
<p>I thought she and I would just drive out together for an exploratory trip, and went to bed with that in mind. She stayed up all night to pack the entire car trunk, hopeful she’d push out in just one trip. And, she actually did! We stayed in a hotel together, which was tremendous fun. WIthin 4 days, she found a bedroom in a shared student apartment and two cool part-time jobs, as a Hebrew school teacher and public “ghost tour” guide for haunted houses. </p>
<p>No longer really needed, I checked out of the hotel and drove back home alone!</p>
<p>Went out to dinner with H and two friends who have NO children. I think they found us tolerable companions at last.</p>
<p>Hi paying!</p>
<p>I guess you didn’t talk about the kids!</p>
<p>Props to your daughter. Hope she has a good yeat. (And S’s too!)</p>
<p>Holycow0515-- since you asked in your OP for “words of wisdom” I’m happy to share this thought:</p>
<p>When my oldest left for freshman year, it took me TWO YEARS to adjust. Very gradually, the balance shifted in my mind and heart. I thought less about how much I missed him nearby, and more about my pride, curiosity, or enthusiasm for his accomplishments and discoveries happening outside my own view. He could do so much more away from home, with all the new opportunities of college. It’s another version of the Unselfish Love of the Parent.</p>
<p>By spring of sophomore year, I noticed this difference, so please give yourself a lot more time to adjust. </p>
<p>Although I had two left to tend to at home, that did not alter how I felt about #1. Each child is a whole universe of thoughts and emotions for a loving parent!
The younger ones can occupy your time and thoughts, but the adjustment about losing the first one is its own story.</p>
<p>So…give yourself plenty of time!</p>
<p>Thanks to family plan on cell phones, we find it easy to keep in constant touch with my D who will be a sophomore this year. She would call as she is walking to class. Sometimes she would call just to say “Hi Mom!” when she finds a few seconds. I send her a quick text message asking her to call me whenever I need to talk. </p>
<p>Last fall I slept in a separate room and asked her to call me every night. I said any time at night is fine. She did! Some days it will be at 11 and somedays it will be 3 in the morning. I’ll wake up and talk to her. Slowly I let it go. Now we talk two to three times a week.</p>
<p>It was very different when my S went to school seven years ago. I had to wait until 9 PM or wait until the weekend for those free calls. We would chat for at least half an hour every time. And then there would be days when he won’t be available to take my call or even reply my e-mail. Anytime he was stressed, he would go silent. I would cry to myself. </p>
<p>I have an empty nest now. My life revolves around those frequent phone conversation with them and waiting for them to come home so that I can cook their favorite food. We are lucky that they chose schools just 200 miles away. They would come home for Columbus day weekend, Thanksgiving, winter break and spring break. Internships kept them away from home every summer, though we would get a week before and after the internships. Everytime they leave, I start planning for their next visit.</p>
<p>Just dropped off 1st D today for freshman year. This is KILLING me!!! EVERYTHING in the house reminds me of her…! Her pictures are everywhere! She was crying too when we left - not horribly but I could tell she will really miss us! </p>
<p>My husband kept looking at me saying if she would have gone to the local 4 year college we wouldn’t have to be doing this today. I told him if that’s the only reason for her to go locally, that would be a cop out. As much as I miss her, this is a step we all need to go through and will survive…!</p>
<p>I wrote her an email (already) and told her that while it was hard and weird being here and knowing she isn’t right now, that in a few days we will still miss her, BUT we will be more focussed on getting excited to see her in a couple of weeks when she comes home for the weekend (or we go down to see her) We. will. survive. !!!</p>
<p>I think the hardest part each time was orientation. They had parent activities while the kids were doing their thing, but it was just so strange to think our kids were on the same campus, but leading separate lives already. At the end of the day we would look for their group, sometimes all clad in the official t-shirt, led by an orientation leader. Of course we wanted them to be FINE without us, but it was a little sad to think that they were. </p>
<p>Anyway, those mixed feelings were the real start of letting go. By the time we actually left campus, we were sure and they were sure everything was going to be ok.</p>
<p>If you don’t already, learn to text message on your cell phone. I don’t like to call my kids unless it’s the agreed-upon Sunday afternoon time, but they always respond to a text message. Phone calls aren’t the rare treat they were a generation ago and can be viewed as too much. Meet the kids on their own ground - even email is seen as “formal” these days.</p>
<p>dragonmom: I second the sentiment, but my kids have forbidden me from “invading” their technology. I can’t text them, IM then or open my facebook account from the college I teach at. I think they feel that if adults use it it’s not theirs.</p>
<p>Your kids obviously feel differently.</p>
<p>Right now the most difficult part ooof empty-nest is not being able to tell one kid how much I miss the other. I have this free floating feeling that’s almost anxiety.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t want to communicate with my parents through text, IM, or Facebook. My friends in college don’t like it either, though some of their parents IM them. I see different forms of communication for different types of relationships. For me, texting, IM, and Facebook are ways of casual communication between friends–not between students and parents, co-workers (who aren’t friends), teachers, etc.</p>
<p>What wonderful comments. Am surprised it took me this long to come back to CC for support! We said our final goodbye to S1 on Wednesday, with just a few tears on my part. It really hit me after he called later that day, though, and off and on since (like today at Whole Foods-- buying 5 turkey burgers for dinner instead of 6, sitting here at the computer and NOT having him in here chatting and foraging for food, and now- reading these very understanding posts!)</p>
<p>He is happy, and we are truly thrilled that he is there, but still… it sure is different. Even with younger ones at home, as paying3 explained beautifully, it’s going to take a while to adjust.</p>
<p>It’s may be a bit long, but I’m going to post an exerpt from the school president’s matriculation address, that applies to children and parents-- </p>
<p>…"Going off to college is a big adjustment for each of you, but in some ways it is an even bigger adjustment for your families. You have lots of people to help you through this transition - advisors, deans, counselors, and fellow students. By contrast, your parents are on their own. It is up to you to help them adjust to a life without you. Please keep in touch with them. Let them know how you are doing. It is even OK to ask them how they are doing.</p>
<p>And now a word to parents: In just a few minutes this ceremony will end and you will have “The Conversation.” This is the awkward moment when you actually have to say goodbye to your sons and daughters. I suspect everyone has anticipated this moment for some time. Some students may even have extracted promises from their families to avoid emotional goodbyes. I must confess that as a parent, my sympathies are obvious. It is not easy saying goodbye to someone who has been the center of your life for the past 18 years. It is also not easy sending them half way across the country or around the world to live independently for the very first time. So, to the parents assembled, I hereby grant you a special presidential release from all commitments to avoid emotional goodbyes. Clearly, these commitments were made under duress and should not be enforceable. When the time comes, hold your kids close, give them a big hug, and cry if you want. I guarantee that no one will notice because they will all be doing the same.</p>
<p>You should be enormously proud of what your sons and daughters have already accomplished. The fact that they are sitting here today is but one sign that you have done your job well. But I suspect that as you prepare to say goodbye, your hopes and aspirations for them are tempered by more than a bit of anxiety. You are probably asking yourself, “Are they ready for all that awaits them? Will they act maturely? Will they use good judgment?” We raise our children to be independent, yet when they reach the moment when they are ready to spread their wings, our natural inclination is to cling to them.</p>
<p>I must now ask you to do the hardest thing you have ever done as parents - let go. Let your kids fight their own battles. They don’t need you to pick their classes. If their mattress is lumpy, they don’t need you to call Residential Life to get a new one. Learning to deal with a large organization is another useful life skill they will master at Tufts, if you let them. You cannot be everywhere for your kids, and I assure you they don’t want you to be.</p>
<p>You must also trust your sons and daughters to make the right choices. Of course, they will make mistakes. We were not perfect when we were their age. We learned from our mistakes and so will they, if you let them. Rest assured, they will remember the lessons that you, their first teachers, have taught them. And, of course, we are here to help…"</p>
<p>Sigh.</p>
<p>We text messaged each other when D was in hs, and I’m sorry to admit that our family has been known to IM each other and carry on entire conversations while all being logged on to different computers within our own house! So, the technology angle has always been part of our life—we’ve sent lots of pics back and forth, too, via cellphone. I love it. I do NOT have access to either d’s facebook, but D1 (now in college) gave us permission to take a look at her facebook stuff anytime by way of having her younger sister show us. I guess we had enough discussions about being careful about what you have on facebook, that she’s heeding it. …</p>
<p>Everyone’s going to have different solutions on technology. I notice nobody is mentioning stamps and envelopes (LOL). Those things stayed in the plastic bags, ever since summer camp.</p>
<p>I like emails because they can be read at any time, day or night, and I don’t risk interrupting my kids with a cellphone when they’re involved in soemthing on campus.</p>
<p>I tried IM’ing a few years back for a few weeks, thinking it was just a faster version of email, but then I stopped it. I found it made me too aware of where each kid was and when, in the room or not, and it made me crazy. I felt like a stalker or something. They didn’t need that much radar on their whereabouts.
The emails, and when they respond to them, are a bit more timeless so that fits us better. They need to “fudge” a bit re: how late they stay up, whether they stay out all night, etc. It’s their business now, and that’s the hardest thing to accept for freshman parents. To focus on the content of the news they choose to share, and not the when-and-where-are-they, is a big difference.</p>
<p>But emails alone miss the warmth and nuance, so we enjoy when they call out on their cells. We told them that’s their moment to choose; what’s best for them. That way they call when they’re ready to spill/share. If it interrupts us, we say so and quickly rearrange a time, but I’d rather be intruded upon than the other way around. </p>
<p>If we have an urgent, quick need to know a data point, and can;t wait days for email responses, then we call in by cell. But not just to initiate a chat with them. Also, we’ve learned to say “Goodbye” on the cell VERY quickly without offense. Seems like they always call while walking somewhere (between classes, etc.) and then want to hang up when they arrive or bump into a new friend. It’s all good.</p>
<p>lspf - that’s a speeched made by Tufts president. He is a great speaker.</p>
<p>I frankly thought it was going to be a lot worse. I cried all the way home and fell asleep on her bed one night. But our daughter calls everyday to let us know how she is doing. We get full disclosure from her - friends she’s made, frat parties, annoying hall mates, love interest, classes… The biggest difference is that she no longer needs to ask us if she could go out and how late she could stay out, and I do not have stay up to wait for her. I hear about it the next day. I guess what’s making it easier is that she is happy. Every time she calls home she is just so full of life. She said, “this is like heavan on earth, I couldn’t imagine being at anywhere else.” After such a tough senior year, it is nice to know she is at the right place.</p>
<p>As far as technology, I did send her away with a Blackberry and a cell phone. She loves the BB because her campus is so big, it’s not always easy to check her emails online. My brother is bugging her to get Skype to get free video and voice call over the internet.</p>
<p>For three years now, I have been communicating with my son at college almost entirely by e-mail, largely because I always seem to wake him up or interrupt something important when I call him on the phone – he keeps bizarre hours. And he only calls me when something’s wrong (“I have a final exam in an hour and I’ve been throwing up all night. What do I do?”)</p>
<p>E-mail seems to be working well with my freshman daughter as well. Sometimes a simple message (“A paycheck from your summer job arrived; I’m sending it to you in the mail.”) or question (“How did the band audition go?”) will elicit a one-sentence answer 24 hours later. Other times, it will elicit a lengthy back-and-forth conversation on a variety of topics. And on a couple of occasions, she has sent the first e-mail and started the conversation. </p>
<p>Of course, the kids use different methods to communicate with one another. On the night before course selection during my daughter’s orientation week, she had an extensive discussion about the relative merits of 4 vs 5 courses with me by e-mail while simultaneously having the same discussion with her older brother by IM. The weird part of this was that her brother wasn’t on his own campus at the time – he had come home that evening (his college is only an hour away) in order to go to a dental appointment early the next morning. So he and I were communicating with her, on different computers and using different forms of communication, from positions 20 feet away from one another.</p>