<p>07DAD: I don’t see the need to be prescriptive or judgemental. You are raising an independent son, and your relationship is good for both of you. Props to you. Other people do things differently and are also satisfied with the result.</p>
<p>Some spouses are intimate once a month. Others twice a day. We can devise theories to say one couple is too cold, the other too hot, but why should we? People are not made by cookie cutters.</p>
<p>Hemingway was an adventurer; Emily Dickinson never left her house. They both had plenty to write about.</p>
<p>Oh, and didn’t you say your son is 19? Mine is 17. And I still call people when I’m bored and waiting somewhere. Sometimes it’s even my mother. H does it all the time though he thinks of obscure reasons for why the call is necessary. </p>
<p>To me, some of your points are well-taken and I’m right there with you. Others seem overly single-minded and not allowing for differences in style and feeling.</p>
<p>My D only had a cell phone for her senior year of college- she wasn’t the type to call me while she was walking across campus anyway. Neither D are the type to talk on the phone- however I do notice they like text messaging their friends.</p>
<p>I am not a luddite ( I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of a macbook pro as we speak- for the last three years- younger D and I have been sharing a laptop as hers wasn’t worth getting fixed- but it hasn’t been pretty)- but I am wondering when we stop and hear the quiet?</p>
<p>We have radios, televisions- ( some more than one or two- some people have mentioned they like them in the kitchen & bathroom), pagers, computers, ipods, cell phones- do we have stop and listen to our own thoughts? Do kids still have imaginary friends?
Will we explode if we are not able to communicate to another person for an hour?
Some people may need to have continual feedback with others- but other people are perfectly happy not having it-
I admit I abhore noise- I can’t stand it when the tv or radio is left on- when the neighbor is listening to bad 70s music while working on his motorcycle- even though it isn’t loud, I can barely stand to work in the yard.
I don’t classify your child calling you to recap her day as untenable noise :), but I do wonder how not having time to be introspective is affecting people.</p>
<p>07Dad - Does your reasoning about the drawbacks of electronic communication also apply to kids interacting with their friends on Facebook or Instant Messenger, or just to talking to parents on cell phones? If you are opposed to all of the above, it becomes a totally different discussion of the mierits of interacting with people only in person versus via electronic communication than the topic of this thread, which is parent-child separation.</p>
<p>07dad, my D is extremely independent, and it is part due to the solid foundation we create for her</p>
<p>She can wander NYC by herself, she can roam museums, eat alone in a Chinese Rest, without a book, and yet she can call to tell me about the great deal she got on some shoes, or to ask about our old dog, or to see how her 92 year old grandma is, and she has so me of the most amazing friends and can meet people no problem</p>
<p>I called my younger D the other day to tell her to look up at sun, it was amazing</p>
<p>My H called to tell me about some dog he thought was cute</p>
<p>And my oldest called to tell me she got some tickets to a broadway show</p>
<p>I agree with mythmom re: not being prescriptive or judgemental.</p>
<p>EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT. What’s pleasant and healthy for one family can be quite different from the next.
I also don’t think CGM’s or Luckycharms’ comments were off base. It doesn’t sound like anyone is twisting these kids’ arms or guilting them into calling. They might just possibly enjoy it! I don’t think it thwarts their chance at independence.</p>
<p>Many of us remember waiting on line to use a dorm phone to call home each week. Calling (or emailing) is even easier now. I don’t see what the big deal is.</p>
<p>I hike every weekend, I run every morning. I volunteer, I meet new people all the time. Perhaps I should spend more time “smelling the roses” as you say, but I’ve never felt particularly unfulfilled.</p>
<p>I like to talk. I’m the first to admit it - maybe because I’m a teenage girl, but I have to hash and rehash every problem or event in my life. I love my cell phone. For safety reasons for one thing - walking to work at night, I feel 100 times safer if I’m talking on my cell phone. But also because I like being able to communicate, to stay AS CLOSE with people in my life as I was before I went to college.</p>
<p>When I lived at home, I used to talk to my mother many times during the day (obviously). Passing each other on the stairs, sitting together in the kitchen, during family dinners, we probably had 100 different conversations when I lived there. I knew pretty much what was going on in her life - not everything, but things she was worried about, what her plans were for later, etc. I don’t see why that should have to change now that I’m in college when I am able to be in consistent communication with her.</p>
<p>I’m glad that you and your son have found a routine that works for you. I harbor no illusions that talking to my mom as often as I do would necessarily work for other people. Every relationship is different, and I don’t think it makes people more or less independent - just different.</p>
<p>It isn’t that I need to talk to my mother daily. It’s that she is an extremely important part of my life and I want that to stay the same. I still fail to see how my life has been impaired in anyway from a close relationship with my mother.</p>
<p>It is true that some people like to talk, in general, more than others, who are quieter. So it is natural that if cell phone conversations are cost-free, talkative people will tend to talk to their friends and family more than quieter people.</p>
<p>What is it with the cell phones threads today?</p>
<p>This morning on my jog, I passed not one, but two women out for their morning walks, talking away on the cell phone. Today at the gym, there was a woman on a legs machine talking on the cell phone. Another woman was on a stationary bike talking on the cell phone. Who cares??</p>
<p>Same thing with the iPods- am I not experiencing my morning jog to the fullest because I have ear phones on? Is the guy at the gym anti-social because he lifts weights with ear phones on? Some people like to walk around and gab while they’re working out- others keep to themselves. Are they not getting the full experience? Who cares?</p>
<p>What’s with the judgement of people who use electronic devices? I just don’t get this at all.</p>
<p>Doubleplay, I find my walk goes a lot faster, and I keep better rhythm, with my iPod. Also mowing the lawn isn’t nearly as much of a chore with my iPod entertaining me.</p>
<p>Excellent point about the safety of having a cell phone, calling and talking if alone somewhere, or there is something a little weird about a situation. I hope my daughters will do that. Sons too, though it probably wouldn’t occur to them.</p>
<p>My son is a freshman and his attitude is like:</p>
<p>“I don’t need my mom until I need my mom.” </p>
<p>My h and I laugh because if we contact him (and we RARELY call him or email him), he acts a bit “put out.” HOWEVER, when he calls, he expects me to listen and advise (And one day he called ME five times to discuss this or that.) He’ll go days without any contact and then - boom - 2 or 3 calls in one day. Usually his calls are about some good news he’s received (an A on some paper or test). He calls us because he doesn’t want to tell friends his good news and look like he’s bragging - But, he’s excited and feels the need to share his good news so he knows it’s “safe” to tell us. (My h is the same way when he gets good news at work - he can’t brag to colleagues, so he calls me. So, I “get” what is going on.)</p>
<p>I know, it’s all part of the “growing up process”. I, too, don’t need my mom until I need my mom (and I’m 48.) It’s just all a bit funny.</p>
<p>I agree that every child and family is different and we have to respect that. I was able to walk to school - crossing very busy streets - by myself - at age 4 1/2. I began regularly changing dirty diapers (the cloth and pin type) when I was in kindergarten (mom had 3 kids in diapers at the time.) I was also able to spend most of the day at Disneyland - by myself - between the 2nd and 3rd grade (long story about why I was completely by myself.) I say all of this as a preface to my point below.</p>
<p>When I went to college and lived in my first apartment, I frequently consulted with my parents about various stuff (cooking, repairing something, etc.) or just to find out how everyone (including younger sibs) were doing. As independent as I had always been, I wasn’t about to make unnecessary and stupid mistakes when I could get the right info from my parents instead.</p>
<p>Again, everyone is different and no one should feel like there is “something wrong” with their child or the way their child was raised. Everyone is different.</p>
<p>Frankly, I’m glad that cell phones and email/IM capabilities make communication easier and cheaper than when I was in college. </p>
<p>I would rather my kid call or email me with a quick question, then make an expensive mistake.</p>
<p>I think it’s all part of my Italian gene pool - we’re used to consulting with each other and learning from each others mistakes by sharing info. My h’s extended family makes a lot of unnecessary and costly mistakes because everyone lives in “closed” situation - no one consults, no one asks questions, no one shares info. They’ve been “taken in” by some financial scams simply because they never bothered to consult with anyone. They’ve had some unnecessary and untimely deaths simply because they didn’t seek out info on diseases, etc. </p>
<p>Sharing info is great - we shouldn’t put our kids down for frequently sharing info with us (by calling, emailing, etc) - otherwise, we’d have to put ourselves down for frequently sharing info and seeking info on this site. If it’s ok for us, then it’s ok for them.</p>
<p>my point has been all along that it is not about the needs of the adult child solely any more, they need to reach a point in their lives where they THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE and what they might need</p>
<p>What harm does it do a son to call his mom once a week, his single mom who is by herself now, who is going through a bit of loneliness, does it take away his sense of independence, his sense of adulthood, his sense of learning to take care of himself, so spend a few minutes chatting with his mom about whatever? If letting his mom know he is doing fine somehow diminishes his own life, that is truely sad indeed</p>
<p>I do think there is something sad about a young adult who doesn’t let their parents know they are okay when leaving home and starting a new life in college, something pretty selfish</p>
<p>I am not saying everyday, or for a long time, but what does it say about a son who couldn’t be bothered to let his mother know he is doing fine? </p>
<p>And explain to me how making a short call home to ask mom how she is in any way takes away from the man’s independence</p>
<p>Why are we expecting kids to “not do” something that we allow ourselves to do? We allow ourselves the right to contact our friends, to post on CC, to call our elderly parents, contact (email, call, text) our spouses at work, etc, as often as we want - and no one questions our “independence”. Yet, people question a student’s “independence” for just doing what we do. We are being a bit hypocritical. If they are being “needy” and “clingy” then what are we???</p>
<p>Sooo, I’ve been on here for about an hour and a half, reading etc. and I could be outside in my garden or taking a walk, but I’m just not motivated. I’m sad. I miss the kids. I know it’s pathetic, but they’re doing great and I’m the one feeling lost.</p>
<p>jlauer–it’s great that your were allowed so much independence at an early age. Times being what they are now, your mom would probably be slapped with a child endangering charge. See the discussion on the “child burned to death in hot car” thread–some of those people would string your mother up by her thumbs for knowingly endangering you, if not unknowingly.</p>