<p>this is a text communication from my D</p>
<p>“my math prof is full on crazy!!!”"</p>
<p>my respons</p>
<p>“aren’t they all!!!”</p>
<p>how is that controlling, bossy, or whatever else you seem to think it might be</p>
<p>it was my D sharing her life…</p>
<p>I called my daughter today and told her I read on one of these threads about how the average student calls home 1.5 x/day, and she was aghast – she says her roommate’s mom calls a lot, though the roommate does not call the mom so much. Anyway, we had a nice conversation. We have talked several times since she started school, but definitely not every day. I think many people do that because they can, but it is not for every one. </p>
<p>Anyway, one of my sons communicated with me too this week. We sometimes go a couple of months with no communication. At that point, I usually have to e-mail or call and tell him to contact us just so we know he’s doing okay, and he does, though not instantly. </p>
<p>However, I have to say I was delighted by his last e-mail, a terse two or three liner as usual (sometimes they are one word) which began with the line <em>you were right all along</em> – could have knocked me over with a feather. That one line made it all seem worthwhile. </p>
<p>I know my son cares, even if he doesn’t show it by calling frequently. He is not a great communicator, which makes the times he does say something all the more poignant, and when he does say something about our relationship by saying or doing something, I know he means it. I know he is not doing it just because I expect it or demand it – quite the opposite. </p>
<p>Which isn’t to say that I have anything at all against calling daily, but it really does not mean that there is something seriously wrong with those kids who don’t do that. Just because we have the technology and can do that does not mean that everyone chooses to use it that way. </p>
<p>Ideally for me, I guess I would like to check in with my boys twice a month or so. Once a month is okay too. If they go a couple of months with no communication, then I have to nag, uh, I mean, inquire. Different strokes for different folks.</p>
<p>I’ve worked out for myself that if I need to speak to Zoosergirl or ask a question (like where she put something that she had last), I sent a text message that says “call me when you have a minute – not urgent – just small question.” she calls me back and usually chats because she is a serious talker. Otherwise, I send smal text messages and I got myself an Aim screen name. I don’t initiate IMs with her, but will chat happily if she IMs me, which she does. So far, I’ve lived through it. she’s going to her first college party tonight, so I’m a little anxious, but I would never tell her that. My theory is that I’m entitled to make contact when logistical issues arise, but that we need to let ZG choose the more personal type of contact, in terms of frequency, type and duration. So far so good.</p>
<p>I agree that just because we have all this electronic crapapolooza, doesn’t mean that we have to use it everyday.
For instance in my own family- if my daughter text messaged me to make a derogatory comment about one of her professors- then I would wonder why she would say that-
That would be more of the sort of thing- that a student would say to another in the same class, not something that she would need to report to me about.
She keeps me posted on the big events in her life & I try and keep her posted on changes back here.
For the most part we are all pretty happy with that.
Like any relationship- if expectations are different on one side- then that needs to be discussed or it will become a point of conflict.</p>
<p>But I don’t believe there are 100 rules for adult children- any more for my own child, than there are for me- who also still has a living parent.
I don’t contact my mother or see her as often as she would like-
oh well- sorry mom I have a life- Does that make me a bad horrible person?
Or does the fact that, I swear- my mother has dependent affective disorder- does that change what I am "expected " to do?
Im not going to coddle her, any more than I would want my kids to coddle me.</p>
<p>I am not talking about daily for heavens sake, I am talking about the students who haven’t made any contact for weeks since school started</p>
<p>this isn’t about coddling, it isn’t about being nosy, it isn’t about bugging them</p>
<p>its about common courtesy, which I expect from my kids, and others don’t seem to need it</p>
<p>to each his own</p>
<p>ps- I have only called my D twice, to tell her I shipped boxes and to check her email for the details, and to return one of her calls</p>
<p>We have texted about the boxes, she thanked me for what I sent</p>
<p>She called her daddy and told him that she loved him and to thank him- was that coddling? nope, it was a loving gesture that made him feel great</p>
<p>Just talked to DS. He is happy, busy, was with a group of friends. Gotta admit- I made the call. I don’t think it is over the top for mom to call once a week. At least until we know that he is truly settled.</p>
<p>What works for your family and what I was speaking about in my own relationship with my own mother are two different things.</p>
<p>She called her daddy and told him that she loved him and to thank him- was that coddling? nope, it was a loving gesture that made him feel great</p>
<p>My mother would " love" for me to coddle her- but I will not- she is in a life of her own making- </p>
<p>Different families have different expectations- as I said- when there are uneven differences- if the people involved are motivated- perhaps a compromise can be reached- but for some people there aren’t any compromises.
Ya perhaps I would like a little more communication with my kids- but they aren’t bad kids if that isn’t something that they have as a priority & since I am the only one affected- it isn’t an obstacle to world peace or to saving the whales-anymore than their frustration that I wasn’t a leave it to beaver type mom was a huge priority for me.
I Yam what I Yam ;)</p>
<p>I think it is good to keep in mind that some of these kids who do not want to communicate with the parents right now will come around. Really can’t think of any way to explain it except that for some kids communicating with the parents at first must seem to them to undermine their shaky sense of independence. When they feel more in control, more confident, (which occurs during sophomore year for some) they are able to communicate more. Some kids don’t have these issues when they go to college, or not so much. But some have a very hard time with the separation, letting go, and can only deal with it by avoiding talking to their parents at first. </p>
<p>That’s how it seems to me.</p>
<p>Throughout this thread is the idea that infrequent communication initiated by the young adult is some sort of “temporary problem” that can or will be fixed or resolved or will go away on its own over time as the insecure student “grows up.” As if this level of communication is not normal, healthy and already “grown up.” </p>
<p>My question is: from the prospective of the young adult student, why is this even a “problem” much less not normal, healthy and adult behavior?</p>
<p>If the student made it into college, it MAY be a fair assumption that she has basis life skills. She knows how to bathe and dress herself and that she must eat and sleep or she will fall sick. Also, getting into college means that she has at least a functional level of academic and scholastic abilities.</p>
<p>My personal experience is that involving third parties (which would include dad and mom) in relationship issues and decisions that effect me and others causes “triangularization.” Instead of dealing with just the relevant person and dynamics of the presenting circumstances, now the young adult is dealing with what dad or mom wants or thinks should happen or how they would handle it. YUCK! </p>
<p>OK, there is nothing inherently un-healthy in asking others for their opinion or suggestions. But, only to a point. Repeatedly and frequently calling home to include a parent (or parents) in dealing with the new experiences just prolongs adolescence. My opinion is that the parent shirks her role in “raising” her child if she allows (much less incourages) this to happen. </p>
<p>Somewhere in this thread I think I read that the average freshman calls (or communicates) with the parents 1.5 times a day. I find that hard to believe and, if accurate, astounding and disturbing. Since there are lots of parents on this and other threads who are revealing communications no more than weekly or perhaps bi-monthly, that means there are a large number of “kids” who are treating college like HS where they call-in daily or hourly and ask (expect) the parents to tell them what to do, to fix their problems or “make everything better.” IS it a surprise that such kids become “boomerangs”?</p>
<p>What I don’t think is a problem is a call/communication initiated by the young adult that simply says dad or mom, I love you. BUT, IMO if the parent sends that same message to the young adult all the time and then expects their message to generate a reciprocal message from the student AND the parent lets the student know in no uncertain terms that the return message is expected or required, this is oppressive to the young adult.</p>
<p>mstee suggests that it is the student’s “shaky sense of independence.” That may be true, but for those students who have experienced “uber-parents” throughout their life, the fact that the student’s sense of independence is shaky should come as no surprise. Personally, I think that a student who gets to college and finally attempts to escape from this emotional tar-pit is best served by not having a lot of communication. Not only does it help the student experience independence, it may (OK-emeraldkity4, I’m a hopeless optimist) start the weaning process for the parent.</p>
<p>07DAD: I agree with you that parents have no right to demand the amount of contact that makes them comfortable you last post implies that advice/parenting is the motivation of these calls. Do you feel that way if a student walks next door and speaks to a particular student every day?</p>
<p>I did not talk to my son yesterday. No biggie. Probably won’t talk to him today. However, when he calls it’s to tell me things that are important to him that no one else in interested in. It is not to navigate the difficult areas of his college experience, he is capable and more of doing that. The last time he called it was to tell me that he’d repeatedly recognized another freshman but couldn’t place him, and finally realized they’d been in a music competition program together many moons ago. He was thrilled to know there was another serious composer in the incoming freshman class. No one else knew the parameters of the summer program; no one else cared. He called just to have a witness to his life. I don’t find this shows a lack of independence. He went to Rome with a group of kids and a few chaperones when he was fourteen and I didn’t hear from for the entire two weeks. That was fine, and it was fine that he called from college. </p>
<p>When people are close and the friendship if fulfilling there is nothing wrong with perpetuating this. On family cell plans we can afford this.</p>
<p>Just as parents shouldn’t assume they can entirely define the parameters of the relationship, so should we not assume what a healthy parent/child relationship looks like. They come in many forms. One mom posted that sometimes she doesn’t hear from her son for almost two months, and she is comfortable with that. Others report that kids call him frequently with little tidbits, and they are comfortable with that. As long as coercion is not being used, I see nothing wrong there.</p>
<p>And yes, I understand the posts of parents who feel that can proscribe a minimum amount of contact. Why not? Relationships don’t just bring rights, they also bring responsibilities. As long as this demand is not excessive, I also see nothing wrong there.</p>
<p>Healthy relationships take many forms. I do understand your point, that if contact is only the parents’ need than perhaps they should sacrifice this need, or at least not be self-righteous about it. On the other hand, parents are people, not perfect archetypes. There is nothing wrong with a young adult learning this too – that the people who are supporting him (and I don’t necessarily mean financially) have emotional needs too, and that an adult meets some of the needs of others as well as their own. Ironicallly, this is a move toward adulthood, not continuing infanitilization.</p>
<p>Let’s not be prescriptive. </p>
<p>That said, I admire your extremely laissez faire approach. It has a lot going for it. But my kids enjoy their frequent silly check-ins. We’re friends, pure and simple.</p>
<p>S called yesterday b/c he was on his way to the supermarket (has an apt kitchen) and said “even 700 miles away you know what I need more than I do”.Made my day! Was able to throw in some extra q’s while we chatted about pasta/meat and Hamburger Helper.
They he called me back about 10:00 PM to yell about USC winning their football game againt Georgia (take that 'Dawgs!!)He knew I’d watched at least some of it so I could share his happiness.Call lasted about 30 seconds but it made my day a second time!!</p>
<p>cathymee: Congratulations. And I’m sure he relies on you to watch the football game too. Win/win.</p>
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<p>I’ve got to say I call my mother once or twice a day. Not because I “need” her (though, of course, I still do) to do something for me – I rarely have specific questions when I call beyond “Will you send me X from home? What date should I buy the plane tickets for?” etc. I really don’t ever call her with things I expect her to direct from there – I know how to do the grocery shopping, I understand how to throw a load of clothes in the wash. Occasionally, I’ll call if I’m upset or frustrated about something, like a problem with a roommate, but I certainly don’t expect her to do anything about it, just listening to me vent is enough. I don’t think calling so often is unhealthy - I used to talk to my mom much more than once a day when I lived at home, so it just feels normal to me. I call her when I’m bored, walking somewhere, need something to do with my hands, etc. I don’t see why that’s unhealthy?</p>
<p>Neither do I luckycharmed.</p>
<p>In thinking about myself as a college student/young adult and my kids currently at the same age, I realize that there are so many differences in lifestyle between now and then that comparing solely on the basis of frequency of communication does not provide a full picture. The world has become much smaller than it was 30 years ago, and communication with everyone, not just parents, has become much easier. For example, in the work world, we can now email or call people around the world with ease, something that was unimaginable until recently. My husband’s job is now “global” - he supervises people in Europe, Asia, and Latin America, as well as in the U.S. and has traveled on business to all of these places. Such a setup would have been unimaginable to him when he majored in engineering in the 1970’s. Another example is Facebook. My kids can easily keep in touch with friends from elementary school, high school, college, etc. If they ever happen to be in a city where an old friend lives, they can easily find and contact that person. In contrast, our generation usually only kept in contact with a very few of our closest friends from the past. Because of all of the changes in the world, the fact that a student or young adult communicates more frequently with his or her parents definitely does not indicate dependence, immaturity, control by the parents, or any other negative trait.</p>
<p>I communicated with my parents much less frequently than my kids do with me. As others have said, long distance calls were expensive. Letters were still written even to people living fairly close by, in place of calling. When recently cleaning out my mother’s house as she moved to assisted living, I found a letter from my future brother-in-law (attending law school and living with parents at the time) to my sister in which he wrote that he could not call her this week as he did not have any money to pay his parents back for the call. He was living about 65 miles from my sister at the time. </p>
<p>However, in contrast to my far-flung kids, I never moved more than about two hours from home from my parents and I was able to see them in person on most holidays, family birthdays, and other family occasions. Relocating far from home seemed like a much bigger deal than it does today, at least in our family. My father took over his father’s small business, lived in the town he grew up in, and never flew in his life. My parents would not allow my sister, an English major, to study abroad in England in the 1970’s due to fear of terrorist violence in London (at least that was the reason they gave her.) They also discouraged my husband and me from taking a trip from our East Coast home to the National Parks of the West a year after we were married, saying “there would be plenty of time for us to travel later” :eek: (we disregarded their “advice” on that topic 
)</p>
<p>In contrast, my 23 year old went to school on the opposite coast from our home, and is now working and living in that area. This year, we did not see him at all for a period of more than nine months, which is much longer than I ever went without seeing my parents. My soon-to-be 20 year old was abroad in Asia this summer and is studying abroad in Asia this semester. I am happy that they are in interesting places doing interesting things, and it does not bother me that they are 3 and 12 time-zones away, respectively, but I am grateful that it is easy to communicate with them.</p>
<p>They communicate with my husband and me frequently when they are not busy and/or have something interesting or important to tell us, and much less frequently when they are busy with other things. For example, my son will soon be starting a new job in a new city, and is currently looking for an apartment in his new city. He has been telling us a lot about his search, not to get advice, but just to fill us in. I am sure when he starts his new job, we will hear from him only about once a week or so. My daughter was abroad in a non-credit summer study program, living on her own and doing a lot of sight-seeing and other fun things. She had more time on her hands than during the school year, and we heard from her frequently. Now she is spending the semester in a very rigorous academic program abroad and is much busier, so we hear from her much less frequently, which is fine with me. Neither one confides much about “relationships” or personal problems any more than I did with my parents. </p>
<p>I personally can’t imagine not hearing from an adult child for months on end, but each family is different and it is great if that is what works for them. But, for myself, I am glad that we can still feel close and connected to our kids even though they may be living half a world away.</p>
<p>EDIT: My 23 year old son and my almost 20 year old daughter also communicate more or less frequently with each other, as above. He actually visited her on short notice while she was abroad this summer, as he had a break between his old job and his new job. Nothing makes me happier than to see how close they have become, as they went through a few years in high school when they didn’t get along very well at all!!! 
:)</p>
<p>How old is the cell phone as a common device in our lives? I’ve had mine for 6 years. We are living with a very new technology, and trying to find our place with what is appropriate use at this time of change in our lives, kids growing up. No right or wrong answers here, as it is a place of societal flux. I love it when my aunt calls, as she is still of the ‘hurry up, it’s long distance’ mindset. Ah, the old days. </p>
<p>Regardless, who knows what the right answer is for any one family? I’m in my 50’s, and anytime I have a few moments, esp in traffic jams, or when I’m cleaning, I call my mom. Years ago, when I was abroad, we didn’t talk for a year, and letters took 2 weeks. I treasure the closeness, as we live a 3 hour plane ride and hundreds of dollars apart, and who knows how long she’ll be around. Sometimes 2 weeks go by, sometimes 2 days. </p>
<p>My D and I are finding our space. And recovering from years of joint custody, where I felt my kids were ‘off limits’ aside from scheduling details every other week. This is easier.</p>
<p>great lakes mom – I think about that a lot. I’ve had a cell phone for about five years. That alone could explain the difference in communication between when my boys went to college and when my daughter went. Son #1 (24 years old now) didn’t get a cell phone until he was already in college, living away from home. Son #2 got one his senior year of high schoool, if I’m remembering right. The daughter that is just starting college now has had a cell phone for three or four years. My other daughter, who starting high school, got hers as a middle schooler. It has changed everything. Never used to be able to call and say “Hey, where are you?” Now I call one of my daughters as I am driving down the hill to pick her up at her new high school to tell her where I am parking, where to meet me. She calls me from play practice if I am running late picking her up to ask “Are you almost here?” It has changed everything.</p>
<p>Still, though, the communication between son #2 and myself improved greatly after he had been gone for about a year. He still doesn’t communicate frequently, but he is much more relaxed, feeling comfortable in his own skin. My 14 year old heard one of her friends use the expression <em>angst</em> the other night, and asked me what that meant. It reminded me that this time in life, leaving home, is a very <em>angsty</em> time for a lot of kids. It was for me. And yes, it is a phase of life. My sons and my daughter were definitely not completely formed adults when they finished high school. I certainly was not. My husband was not. I remember thinking of my older son at this time of life as being like a cake in the oven, almost done, but not quite.</p>
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<p>luckycharmed– In my opinion you answered why it is unhealthy. Bored? Call Mom. Need something to do with your hands? Call Mom.</p>
<p>If you are walking some where, look around and take in what you see. Reflect on life. Decompress. Ruminate. Heaven forbid your life should have a moment without some artificial stimulation. If you will leave your phone in your dorm for a week, I think you will see what you miss.</p>
<p>You can actually meet someone you don’t already know since you won’t be on the phone living in the celluar world you already have. College is about new experiences not just moving locations.</p>
<p>Parents? Do you really think it is OK that your young adult use you to hold off boredom? IS your willingness to take these kind of calls any indication of what is or isn’t going on in your life? I wonder.</p>
<p>Well, I have a fascinating job, engaging and complex spouse and diverse existing friends. Along with trying to learn something new every day and meeting new people, these other things in my life allow me to neither need nor want to be my S’s boredom solution.</p>
<p>What I have attempted to do is raise him so that face-to-face people interaction, personal growth and reflection and experiencing what life has to offer is important to him. Apparently it has worked.</p>
<p>07dad – LOL. So far, my kids do not use me as a boredom solution. That will be the day! Maybe the nine year old does from time to time, bless her heart. I know it will not last.</p>
<p>I agree with you. It is very easy to fill up one’s time with the cell phones, my space, college forums . . .Uh, got to go . . . There’s some roses in the backyard that I haven’t stopped to smell lately . . .</p>
<p>Well, 07DAD, I think you have some valid points. I accused you on another thread of over-reacting to parents expecting calls from their kids, but I can’t say I disagree with post #158 in this thread.</p>
<p>I, too, have some roses to attend to mstee, and not just figuratively.</p>