Parent-freshman separation.

Parent Cafe
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<p>This has been a great thread that I have read with interest since dropping my d off at school 2 weeks age. </p>

<p>I really feel that we have done well. Her dad and I are so proud and excited for who she is and where she is attending school. It is a fantastic University that we have in common with her (having attended together…ummm many years ago!) So, we are fortunate in that we really “know” where she is since we were there too. And, as much has changed, the tradition of the place has kept so much the same.</p>

<p>So the story goes, but even though we left her without tears, the following weeks have at times been hard. Like the above posters, I do feel that these kids have so much on their plates trying to fit in with new peers, new classes and just finding their way physically around campus. To put more family pressure on them would seem wrong. However, like citygirlsmom, there IS some family responsibility that they should assume. They are NOT on their own yet! (unless they are paying their whole way! wow!) They are still dependant, almost-adults and as such there are some things they should, well, just know. It is not wrong to expect some communication from them. It can be on their terms, hours etc. But, they should, with respect for the people that got them there, check in every so often. And we, as their support system, should encourage, not discourage their decision making and cheer them on for all they are accomplishing “on their own”. </p>

<p>That all said, I too, would like d to call a little more!!!</p>

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<p>I am still waiting for the first call, email, or more-than-3-word AIM-contact from my freshman S, whom we dropped off on Aug. 26th. Except for some coordination of replacing his cell phone which a classmate smashed: I guess because there was some need for our help, he accepted contact with us. </p>

<p>I don’t want to be involved in daily details of his life now, and I understand his need and desire to throw himself into his new life. What I’d like to communicate to him is that, if he spends just a little time now to help me get a picture of what his life is like, I’ll be able to deal with my own feelings about his absence, and enjoy picturing him in his new life. To feel as if we don’t matter to him anymore at all is what is really painful. I actually know that’s not likely to be true :wink: but it still hurts. I won’t burden him with my feelings, but I’d like him to offer just a little of himself: it would go such a long way.</p>

<p>Perhaps he thinks of his relationship with us as so solid that it doesn’t need reinforcement or renewal. As he grows up, he’ll realize how precious contact with those you love can be. We’ll always be there in the times when he needs us; it’s just so much more enriching for everyone if we can be connected occasionally between times, too. It’s part of what life’s about, for me. And I guess he will need to learn if it’s part of what life’s about for him, too.</p>

<p>I love him dearly. I’m willing to give him time. But I wish he would give me just a little of <em>his</em> time, sometime soon…</p>

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<p>Reading this, I realized I am ok with not hearing from my kids if I have a visual picture of where they are–what their dorm room looks like, what campus looks like. </p>

<p>Because I was the one who dropped S#2 off this time, I am more relaxed about not hearing from him. DH perhaps isn’t very good about communicating the details that a female would notice on what the room is like, the common area, etc. or maybe I really needed to see it for myself. In any case, I plan to call tonight to get a 2 week update, but I haven’t been obsessing!</p>

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<p>Mootmom, the above sentence you typed is so positive and beautiful. Can you send just that sentence to him as an email, subject heading, “something to think about…”</p>

<p>The rest of the thoughts you penned are a great vent for here. My kids keep teaching me to say less, say it positively, don’t guilt them. When I can pull it off, it motivates them.</p>

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<p>Our S wants to come home! After only 2.5 weeks, he wants to change majors and do anything to be with his girlfriend. Our parental instincts are at war with the true fact that this would be a huge and possibly disastrous mistake.
Any wisdom?</p>

<p>M-a-lot</p>

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<p>mamalot–how exciting. :(</p>

<p>The changing majors thing is understandable and can be worked with. The gf problem I would stand firm on. In any case, he should definitely talk to his advisor, and give the decision some time. (Finish out the quarter or semester honorably!)</p>

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<p>S2 is on his outdoor trip and comes home tomorrow night; then he’s home for another week before leaving for freshman year. S2 just left yesterday for his “real” job (post college). Last night my H and I were Home Alone, with just the doggies and our thoughts. Very sad. Very weird. H and I haven’t been alone together for any extended period in – oh, I don’t know, 22 years?? This should be interesting.</p>

<p>I’m a little bit fearful.</p>

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<p>VHappy- I’m in a very similar (almost identical) situation. I understand how you feel. But your kids are happy and moving to true independence right? We are really lucky! I’m breaking out the champaign next weekend.</p>

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<p>We’re having a small dinner party for friends who have also just become “empty nesters.” And I can’t wait to start tackling some projects around the house, so that in a few years we’re ready to downsize. But in the meantime, it’s weird.</p>

<p>But Yes – I am proud, and happy. This is what they should be doing, and I’m thrilled that they’re capable young adults. That’s been my goal all these years.</p>

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<p>veryhappy–I hear you.</p>

<p>I think when my last kid leaves home, I’m getting a dog. :)</p>

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<p>cheers: I understand your point, but my experience is different. I have many friends and I don’t gauge their intellectual levels. There are many things I can share with my kids that I can’t share with anyone else because of shared history, and I really don’t have anyone else to share Homer translations with. With have three contenders: Lattimore, Fitzgerald and the new Fagles who S prefers. He did call with a nod to me to say that his prof chose Lattimore.</p>

<p>As for sharing intimate life details, well maybe I’m exceptionally private, but I really don’t share these with anyone, nor do I want to hear theirs. The only person who has ever really burdened me with these details is my mother. Yuck!</p>

<p>So, I do understand your point, but as I say, feel differently. I didn’t try to become friends with my kids, it just happened. No one else shares my extreme passion for Bach, Shakespeare, West Wing or Bob Dylan.</p>

<p>Now to discuss gardening, I have other friends. Kids couldn’t care less.</p>

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<p>As I come from a home environment of ‘deal with your feelings, don’t bother others about them’ background, I am the sort, as the posters above, to just miss the kids without saying much to them, feel rejected privately. My ex, being from a very different background, tells them directly-I need you to call once a week, you have to buy me a birthday present and card, etc. The kids have learned more, and become more responsible with his approach rather than mine. Expecting a weekly call is not too much, esp if requested with tact and love. </p>

<p>That said, my D and I talked daily for the first week as she was ironing out details. I needed that call, and was heartwarming. Then I had about 15 minutes in her dorm as I dropped her off after a quick visit home (in which she stayed at her friend’s dorm in our town, rather than home) Somehow that 15 minutes in a highly decorated room with friends sticking their heads in, gave me the picture I needed of her life, so I could let go. Maybe our calls will be weekly now. Somehow it is easier. </p>

<p>mythmom, I do understand about the interests. Finding reinforcement in rather esoteric passions is such a precious thing in life. You are fortunate to share that with your kids. I miss my Ds music-violinists, and the constant background and talk about classical music. I still miss the boyfriend who shared my love of Bach and languages. My kids are getting there, and the S in China and I have better discussions every year as he finds more joy in cultural comparison and languages. Years ago, I thought we had nothing in common, when he seemed to only love sports and video games. That is the hope with all this, that they will mature, and horizons will broaden to include ours.</p>

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<p>Mamalot, not knowing any details about your son, it seems like 2.5 weeks is about when homesickness would set in hard. My instinct would be to say that he needs to stick it out. At LEAST finish the semester, if not the whole year, and if it doesn’t get better in a month or so look into transferring. Changing majors is not unusual at all and not as big of a deal, but perhaps he’s just having trouble adjusting to the whole thing and wants to change everything? What’s his reasoning (besides missing the gf) for wanting to come home? Is it one or two bad professors? A bad roommate? Classes are harder/easier than he thought? Or is the whole thing just not living up to his image of what college would be like? Sometimes kids have legitimate reasons for transferring to another school. But from what you said it sounds like he just has a bad case of homesickness, which should ease with time if he’s at a school that is a good fit for him.</p>

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<p>great lakes mom: S is a violinist too, as well as violist and pianist. I knew I would miss the music so much that I decided I’d go back to the piano which I played as a kid. I never was very good, no where as good as my son, but it is balm to my soul to hear the chords coming out of my very own hands, which are now a mess because I discarded my acrylic nails so I could play. I have awful nails that peal like a baby’s.</p>

<p>I am glad things are getting easier. D, who is a junior, says all her friends talk to their mothers more than once a week. Her calls actually got more frequent after the first semester after she was surer of her independence. I called her more, too, feeling more secure that I was not disrupting her process.</p>

<p>Re Bach and the violin: Do you like Hilary Hahn’s playing? I am an addict of her Bach.</p>

<p>VeryHappy: I am in your situation and would love to come to your dinner party. We have never had much of a grown-ups social life because H frequently photographs weddings on weekend nights, just as he is tonight. He’s an artist, put weddings pay some bills. I do have a single good friend very nearby, but she is a bit of a hermit. I am glad I like to be alone.</p>

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<p>Lafalum: Good advice!</p>

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<p>I am experiencing this for the first time. Yes, I miss my daughter very much. It is really important to me not to live vicariously through my children or to put pressure on them, so I am using restraint, trusting that she will set up her own rhythm of communication with us. I love to get news and try not to ask too many questions. Anyone else have similar feelings?</p>

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<p>I still don’t get the not contacting the parents because they are “growing” blech</p>

<p>part of maturing and being independent and an adult are thinking beyond your own selfishness, and thinking of other’s feelings is called compassion and is necesarry to be part of the human race</p>

<p>Some say to let them be, sure, but one would hope that during their grand adventures they would consider the feelings and needs of those back home</p>

<p>To me, it is totally self centered to not bother seeing how things are going at home, not that the parents need to know all their bsiness, but one would wonder why a young man would much care how his mom is feeling</p>

<p>I don’t get it</p>

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<p>We dropped DD and DS off at school 3 weeks ago, and, luckily, school started up right away for me (I am a teacher) and I was too busy to lie around feeling sad. Although I miss my kids, my husband and I are doing surprisingly well! We had our first weekend alone at home last week, and we felt surprisingly free and relaxed and like a whole new world is opening up for us. It is definitely a process and an adjustment - especially in how much food to buy :wink: but I am relieved that we feel as postive as we do. In regards to communication; I let them call us. I do sometimes email them… but try not to call unless it’s urgent. Luckily, both kids are good communicators, and I can “see” their new and exciting lives through their eyes.</p>

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<p>citygirlsmom</p>

<p>HS students have been part of a “family unit” until they are off at college. However, it is a rare HS student that is really an “equal” in that arrangement while living at home. Way too often the parents define the relationship and enforce the parents’ rules of “proper” participation. While I’m sure that some parents did consider their child’s “needs and feelings”, I doubt that they have been the primary focus.</p>

<p>They are now on their own in a way they never have been before. So, if left alone by the parents, the young adult is going to concentrate on handling their new experience. I don’t see why that comes as any surprise. This the point some posters raise. Is the parent wanting the communication in order to continue some degree of parental direction/control over the student?</p>

<p>And, why would the parent want or need to have the student call to report, unless the young adult wants to do so? That is the reason posters question whether the parent’s desire to hear “all about it”, if not a matter of continued control, is vicariously living through the student. </p>

<p>What are the parent’s “needs and feelings” that the student is not considering?? </p>

<p>If the parents are in reasonable health, why would the young adult need to check in to see how they are doing?? Also, bad news travels fast. If something is wrong with the parent or parents they will be contacted. That is the point some posters raise about whether the parents’ desire to be called is in some way “owed” by the student to the parent for all the parent’s sacrifices.</p>

<p>The idea that the student is self-centered if he or she does not call the parent is no different than the parent’s self-centered-ness in wanting and demanding that communication and being put-out about it when it does not happen. It is just a matter of perspective.</p>

<p>Yep. The young adult is now making a life for himself. It probably is scary to some parents to wonder what role they will have in that new life.</p>

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<p>No it is not about control or any of that as you seem to think it is</p>

<p>It is about young human beings showing compassion for their parents, something some people don’t think is necessary obviously</p>

<p>What, are you saying that mom has to go into a coma before any contact…that only in a crisis should someone call a relative to chat? </p>

<p>this is not about telling them what to do, not at all</p>

<p>it is about saying, Hey mom, how are you? How was the interview? How is the dog? Is the car running okay without me there to fix it?</p>

<p>It is called having a conversation about LIFE with the people that are there for you in all things</p>

<p>As for perspective, I error on the side of compassion and communication, not on being so busy as to not bother yourself to touch base</p>

<p>This is not about reporting in about college life, it is about seeing how the people that raised you are doing in THEIR lives, is that to much to expect?</p>

<p>I don’t think so…</p>

<p>It is not Owed to call, but sad that they couldn’t bother themselves</p>

<p>It is not about being the boss of the student, that is not it at all, it is about the young adult learning they aren’t the center of the world and that there are people who care about them, who often sacrifised ALOT, who are themselves going through transistion, who would love a word or two about how things are going</p>

<p>Guess I have higher expectations for young adults than others do</p>

<p>And its not about my role, please, give parents more credit than that</p>

<p>PS- my D calls, so this isn’t about me, and I have many friends whose sons call at least once a week to see how their moms are doing, gee, what immature boys to want to see how mom is doing, egad, the horror</p>