Parent-freshman separation.

Parent Cafe
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<p>It seems to me that the more a parent focuses on his or her “sacrifices” and feels that he was “always there” for the student, the greater the sense of entitlement to be kept in the loop and the greater the pain when the student fails to meet that parent’s expectation and claim to this level of communication and appreciation.</p>

<p>I recall the statement to parents of the wise head of my S’s middle school. He said that the students had to start making mistakes and taking responcibility for their mistakes in order to develop as mature and independent adults. He related when he first told his daughter that she had forgotten her ___ and that he was not going to bring it to her and that she’d have to deal with the consequences at school. He noted that she began to take care to remember her stuff.</p>

<p>I think that between the student, who had little say in if and how (and how much) the parent sacrificed, and the parent who could have had other interests than just their child and made less sacrifices so that the child had to stand on her own earlier in life, the student DOES NOT “OWE” the parent any particular level of communication as a young adult starting to make it on her own in the world. </p>

<p>I query, did some parents make these sacrifices so that the student would feel obligated to the parent? Any of you have now aged parents that seem to feel that way? Great isn’t it?</p>

<p>I have noted with interest that several posters have mentioned that they feel that the student only communicates when the student needs something. Consider that this may also be the time in the student’s life where the parent REALLY needs to stop being there for the student’s every want, need and whim.</p>

<p>My S and I talked about the fact that in his HS the administration made sure that the students knew of all opportunities and followed up to see that the students took advantage of those opportunities. I contrasted that with college where there are myriad opportunites available if the student seeks them out.</p>

<p>We discussed that it was now S’s turn to seek out his path and make his choices and experience his victories and losses. I told him I’d love to hear from him when he wanted to talk. In the 10 days he’s been gone, I’ve gotten 2 very short informational emails and a brief phone call from him to check in to say hi, I’m OK.</p>

<p>Was I left wanting more details? Did I wish that the communications were longer? In some fleeting way maybe yes. But I got all the real information I needed. My S was doing well on his own. What I felt was happiness and relief for him from our “separation.” I can deal with my feelings but not at his expense.</p>

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<p>07Dad, I agree with you on many points - the kid is now (or at least should be well on the way to becoming) an adult who has to find his own way without the helpful hovering parent holding his hand. He/she should be at least attempting to deal with problems on his own.The parent has to keep his/her strong feelings of separation sadness to themselves - it’s not fair to burden the kid with your emotional struggle when they may be dealing with their own.</p>

<p>Ultimately all we parents really want is to know that our kid is okay. It really doesn’t take much, a simple “hello, everything’s great here” does so much to ease our little nagging worries. And it is not unreasonable to expect anyone to return a message within a reasonable amount of time. Courtesy goes beyond the parent-child relationship.</p>

<p>As for myself, I am brimming over with suppressed questions, not wanting to drive my s away with the millions I want to ask him after one of his oh-so-brief texts such as “Great hike to waterfalls this weekend with a Christian group.” Whaaaa?!!! Last I heard S decided he was an atheist, hahaha. Wish I could be a fly on the wall.</p>

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<p>* it is not unreasonable to expect anyone to return a message within a reasonable amount of time. Courtesy goes beyond the parent-child relationship.*</p>

<p>I agree with this</p>

<p>*It really doesn’t take much, a simple “hello, everything’s great here” does so much to ease our little nagging worries. *</p>

<p>But what if it * isn’t* Ok?
What if the child is having difficulty with the transition and isn’t up to the platitudes of " oh Im fine everything is great" just to make parents feel better?
I think we need to respect that perhaps they need some time and space.
My younger daughter for example found it difficult to contact her sister because it made her miss her more.
The older students may feel the same way-I don’t think in many cases they should feel obligated to reassure us that we “did a good job & they are just so happy” every step of the way.</p>

<p>I think perhaps we should step back and rejoin our own life :)</p>

104

<p>That is my point.</p>

<p>The parent has the stress of the absent student, but has the same job, residence and surroundings including friends and support group that the parent had before.</p>

<p>The student has (1) moved to a new place (often out of state), (2) has a roommate normally not of his chosing, (3) has a “new job,” i.e., college not HS, (4) is in an environment where he doesn’t know where the stores and businesses for services are located and usually has no car to get there and (5) has no, or very few, friends when he first arrives. JEE-- think the student might be under a little stress?</p>

<p>AND, that email you send each day (or more) is one more thing on his plate to have to handle and is a reminder of “home” that he no longer has. AND, if your email/phone call requires reflection and/or disclosure of feelings and events, just pile on some more stress. AND, if your student knows that YOU will be worried and stressed if his answer isn’t what YOU want to hear, pile on even more stress.</p>

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<p>I tend to agree with much of the viewpoint expressed by 07DAD, rather than citygirlsmom.</p>

<p>A sort of analogy:</p>

<p>Last December, I fell down some stairs, broke my leg very badly, and injured my wrist in such a way that I could not put weight on it for several weeks. This prompted extreme changes in my day-to-day life. NOTHING was easy. NOTHING was routine. Among other things, I could not walk – not even with crutches – for three weeks, could not drive for five weeks, could not take a shower for nine weeks, and could not walk normally for four months. Every detail of my life – How am I going to get my socks on? How am I going to get my lunch from the microwave oven to the table? How am I going to wash my hair? How am I going to get down the two steps between the house and the garage? – became complicated and unfamiliar. </p>

<p>During the same time period, my sister experienced some complex personal problems that led her to seriously consider quitting her job.</p>

<p>As embarrassed as I am to admit it, I must say that I did not express as much interest in my sister’s situation during that time as I ordinarily would have. I did not communicate with her as often by e-mail as I usually do, and when we did talk, I usually kept the conversation superficial because I really didn’t have the energy to deal with complexities of her difficult situation on top of the complexities of my own. I wasn’t as good a sister as I would have been under other circumstances. She needed me as a sounding board, and I wasn’t really there for her.</p>

<p>I think that my situation last winter has some parallels with that of a new college freshman. Nothing about their lives is routine. Everything is unfamiliar. Everything they do requires thinking and planning. You don’t need to remember to take your key with you when you go to the bathroom, or your key and your soap and shampoo when you take a shower, or your key and your ID when you go to eat dinner, do you? They do. You don’t share a one-room household with a total stranger, do you? Many of them do. Like me with my temporary disability, new college freshmen are very much caught up in the unfamiliarity and challenges of their own lives. </p>

<p>I think we need to cut them some slack.</p>

<p>Eventually, after they are well settled into college and their lives there have become somewhat routine, it may be a good idea to remind them of the importance of keeping up with family members on a reasonably regular basis, of returning messages promptly, and of expressing interest in the lives of others as well as sharing details of their own situations. </p>

<p>But now is not the time. That sort of thinking will only annoy them – as it would have annoyed me when I was in the early stages of trying to cope with life with a broken leg. </p>

<p>And for what it’s worth: My son, who was not at all communicative during the early stages of his freshman year in college, came home from college (where he was then a junior) for two weeks for Christmas break shortly after I hurt myself. He was wonderfully helpful – doing chores and errands, moving things around for me, driving his younger sister (who did not yet have a driver’s license) everywhere she needed to go, and never complaining about having been evicted from his room (his bed had been moved downstairs so that I would have a place to sleep on the first floor, and he spent the vacation relegated to another room with an uncomfortable bed and inadequate heating). </p>

<p>Yes, he ignored some calls and e-mails as a freshman. But he is certainly not a neglectful family member. Quite the opposite, in fact. During that Christmas break, he cheerfully turned himself into Mr. Mom, and I will never forget it.</p>

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<p>But he is certainly not a neglectful family member. Quite the opposite, in fact. During that Christmas break, he cheerfully turned himself into Mr. Mom, and I will never forget it.</p>

<p>I think I remember that :slight_smile:
and how much better it is for the parent/child- parent- adult child relationship for us to allow these people to find their feet without pushing on them too hard.</p>

<p>Im thinking of a new “romantic” relationship. When you start dating someone ( trying to remember back that far), one is usually more attracted- wants to move the relationship forward than the other.
If one potential partner is moving too fast- too close- it can be overwhelming and can completely push away the other- to the point that they break off communication.</p>

<p>Im using this analogy because a( IMO) parent- adult child relationship- seems to be a brand new kind of relationship. It takes a while to find what feels right,- it has nothing to do with what sort of job we did as parents, it has more to do with personalities. Some of us can only process so much change at a time-some kids feel that they have to have something to “report”, and if they don’t have anything- especially if they feel they should have more, they may not realize we really only want to hear their voice- and dont care if they got an A or a C on their logic paper.</p>

<p>Or do we?</p>

<p>My own “adult” parent wants me to call her every day- however- when I do, she doesn’t want to hear about anything I have to say- or about the girls, she wants to talk about her own problems or complain about her daughter in law. Not so much fun for me.</p>

<p>Are we listening to our kids- or are we telling them what they should be doing- especially when they aren’t asking for advice?</p>

<p>Im not trying to be harsh- in fact I am reminding myself-</p>

<p>Even though I am* very *proud of my kids- I can find it difficult to just enjoy their company & remind myself of how much they have accomplished , instead I find the very few details that keep them from being “perfect in every way”. </p>

<p>I think it might help, to think of them as a new friend, that we are interested in, but don’t know that much about- although we are trying to recognize that they need to reveal themselves at their own pace.</p>

<p>They can be very different people when they are away from where they were raised-rather than trying to insert them back into my world, I am hoping they let me into theirs.
( and they have bit by bit- but it takes time)</p>

<p>Another thing I just thought of- at least with a romantic relationship- people “choose” each other- but as we are often reminded- we dont’ choose our relatives- and for outgoing verbal parents- who have introspective loner kids- it can be really difficult for both- but it doesn’t mean that either is doing something “wrong”</p>

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<p>07Dad, Marian, Emeraldkity – thank you for your thoughtful posts.</p>

108

<p>I get the point that 07Dad and Emeraldkitty are making, that our kids may simply not be ready for us on our terms since they are still adjusting to their new lives on their own. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those parents who is crying that her baby is gone, moping around the house, waiting by the phone, and so on. S has been at school for 3 weeks - plenty of time for him to let me know that he is still alive with a simple hello. After 3 weeks, a simple “Hey! S’up?!” works for me. No details necessary.</p>

<p>We discussed this before he left, and I let him lead the way. I have no complaints other than privately wishing I could be a fly on the wall, hehe. I hope he is adjusting to all the changes okay, hope that no news is still good news, but I’m not about to call/email/text him and poke and pry and rub salt in the proverbial wound (“I miss you so much!!”). Meanwhile my sister’s d is calling home every day she’s so homesick. And she’s going to a school an hour away from home! Sigh.</p>

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<p>I have no complaints other than privately wishing I could be a fly on the wall</p>

<p>Zimmer07</p>

<p>A couple who are good friends of mine have a daughter who is several years older than my freshman S. Perhaps being a fly on the wall isn’t always so easy or great.</p>

<p>In HS, they had found a way to secretly monitor their D’s email/IM messages. Whatever they used also worked when she left for college. Early in her freshman year, they saw a series of IM’s from her to some young man that informed him that she was heading to the co-ed bathroom for a shower and “invited” him to come join her.</p>

<p>Now what? Well, the mother felt that if she let her D know that she had been spying on her in college, there could be substantial damage done to their relationship. So, that mother said nothing (and prayed). Early the next semester, in a call initiated by D, the young woman started to confide in her mother that she felt that she had gone a-stray when she first got to college and was now getting her act together. She told her mom that she just wanted to talk to her to help get back in balance. The mother revealed nothing about the snooping.</p>

<p>I admit, I (and the mother) misted up when the mother told me that. Instead of forcing the issue, the mother now knows: (1) the D really did get the right life lessons the parents had given her (although she may have waivered temporarily) and (2) that her D loved and trusted the mother enough to want to and feel safe in confiding un-fun, but really important stuff.</p>

<p>I wait, trust and believe in my S. But, I know that no one is perfect. I think I’d rather not be a fly on the wall.</p>

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<p>At least they were in a co-ed bathroom.</p>

<p>In my son’s freshman dorm, he said it was not uncommon to see four feet below a shower curtain – two male, two female – in the all-men’s bathroom in his section.</p>

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<p>i have seen some darn ugly female feet, and some really pretty male feet, so you never know…</p>

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<p>Okay, maybe not a fly on THAT wall, lol. You are obviously way ahead of me, I bow at the feet of those who have paved the way!!! Thanks for passing on your experiences. </p>

<p>I wasn’t thinking of that aspect of college life when I said that, I was really just wondering how he got roped into the Christian group’s hike when he is a supposed self-professed atheist. Guess maybe the whole “keep an open mind” thing finally sunk in (or maybe there was a pretty girl…). The little snippets of info are just enough to pique a parent’s curiosity sometimes.</p>

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<p>Dropped my son off a little over a week ago, but knowing that my daughter was coming for a visit from NYC delayed my reaction. In attempting to put on a brave front, I apparently convinced my son that I really wasn’t missing him all that much! After my daughter left for college 8 years ago, I sat on the floor and looked at all the pix of her in the scrapbook and cried all day. With my son’s departure, I have become the volunteer of the week, offering to help anywhere anyone will have me on my days off from my regular job. My husband is missing the other male in the family the way I grieved over the loss of a female presence. But since my daughter’s visit ended, I find myself waking up at 3am and crying over the realization that after 26 years, there are no kids left at home. He has always been a silent type, probably since my daughter and I did all the talking for him, and hasn’t called home much. As my daughter tells me, don’t listen to the music station that plays sad songs. Turn on the loud music and keep yourself busy!</p>

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<p>Fly on the wall? In the life of an 18 or 21 year old boy?</p>

<p>Hah! That would be my personal nightmare! Don’t you remember how many idiotic mistakes we made? How many ‘interesting’ conversations we had? No, no, please. I don’t want to be a witness to the minutaie in their lives anymore. I’m taking a break before the grandkids arrive.</p>

<p>They call and write now and again and H and i spend a few minutes talking about what was written between the lines–but do we really want to know? Nah. Let those boys slam into life and learn from it–without our running commmentary. We know we are adored. We don’t have to hear that every day, or even every week.</p>

<p>I have even revised my calling times after reading a professor’s comment about how many uni students were talking to their mummies while walking between class. The professor said that mummies and their incessant need-to-know were upsetting the intellectual life of universities by interupting conversations between students.</p>

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<p>^^that’s interesting, if hostile. Maybe the kids are also calling each other up from 100 paces away. But it does make me think and realize that when I call and he’s walking, we always end quickly b/c another student says hello. We landed on a favorite time of “on the way to dinner” since she was least encumbered then, and always awake. But we only called in for quick data-points, not to converse. Still, these do interrupt. Hmm…</p>

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<p>No, the professor specifically said he could hear the kids say: “Hi mom.” He sited it as a new trend–vastly different in the last ten years.</p>

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<p>Hi everyone. My son actually called and talked to me for a half hour! I was in my own private Nirvana.</p>

<p>I was much more depressed when D left. This time I haven’t cried once or grieved really. He survived his canoe trip and his swim test.</p>

<p>I feel like I’ve been let out of jail and like I’ve been dropped in the middle of the Mojave Desert without water all at the same time.</p>

<p>About that professor: I think we have a different relationship with our kids than other generations. I don’t talk to my kids because they need me but because we’re actually friends. As my daughter says, the generations are merging. WE ALL LOVE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL! Maybe this professor doesn’t understand a world in which both the kids and parents read Harry Potter. My parents and I did not share interests. Their pre-war world was completely different from our post-war world. Boomer culture changed the world. My students (and my kids) are envious of my experiences at Woodstock. I can guarantee that I never wanted to go to a Bing Crosby concert.</p>

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<p>I suspect the only difference is that I was tied to a phonecord on a payphone down the hall when I called home in college.</p>

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<p>I am not friends with my sons yet. They are too young. They are not my intellectual equals as yet–by any stretch. They have private lives that would not be approriate to share with their mother. </p>

<p>We are close to them but they have many many friends–as do we. We never attempted to be their ‘friends’. They only have one mom and dad.</p>

<p>To each his own–but consider scheduling calls so that they don’t interupt intellectual exploration with peers.</p>

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<p>okay, 7 a.m. it is! :)</p>