<p>Franglish, check out this thread called “How to Get Your College Student to Call You”
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=385903[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=385903</a></p>
<p>My daughter says she will call her older brother when she starts needing homework help.</p>
<p>I am a single mom who dropped off S1 two weeks ago to college. He has not initiated any calls and has ignored a couple of emails. I just want to know if he’s ok; there is no need for me to speak to him every single day. Like ttaillon, S2 and I have been speaking more-he and his brother were always close, and he misses big bro very much. He has promised to keep in touch with me when he leaves for college in 2 years, because he sees how difficult it’s been for me. Reading about other parents has helped…thx so much.</p>
<p>Clbrzzz, you and mombot need to get together: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=389631[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=389631</a>. Your stories are almost identical.</p>
<p>Indeed; mombot’s story is similar to mine, along with a few others. Lots of tears shed this summer…
My mother reminded me four days ago that I barely called her and my dad when I was in college. Unfortunately, it’s payback time.</p>
<p>clbrzzz, that just breaks my heart. I told my s when we were saying goodbye that we expected to hear from him on a regular basis, explaining that if he didn’t feel the need to check in with good ol’ mom and dad, then perhaps good ol’ mom and dad didn’t need to be sending in checks to his school! He got the point with a laugh, saying he would be sure to text/email/call even when he didn’t need money! So far, so good.</p>
<p>S2 has turned out to be incredibly sensitive w/ the older brother gone. Very affectionate and thoughtful.</p>
<p>clbrzz, I think 2 weeks is long enough to wait for his First Word. It’s even remotely possible there’s a problem with his email or college computer setup and he isn’t ignoring the emails but not seeing them somehow.
You might consider contacting the college Dean of Housing to get the email contact for the Resident Assistant. Briefly, politely email the RA and ask him to make personal contact with your S to phone home within the day.
When he calls, he might be upset you did that, but you can say that two weeks is too long for anyone to be left hanging like that. Then establish something you can both live with.
Also, ask him also if his email is working okay; even try it out between your two homes while on the line. Sometimes that can be a problem. At first, some kids take almost a week to get their internet and emails happening from the dorm. That happened to one of my kids once, and it was a dorm-wide problem.
The trick will be to sound happy, not angry, when he finally calls. But I wouldn’t be ablet to take zero contact for two weeks, no way. No need for tears or drama, but tell him you just need to hear at least once weekly that he’s on the planet.
He might say he’s busy, or doesn’t know what to tell you. He might really want to be free. That’s all good, but if you give him an expectation, and even say that a single emailed sentence, “I’m fine” is okay sometimes, he ought to be able to live up to that. Remind him, if necessary, what you’re doing for him, but only if he gets argumentative. I doubt he will.</p>
<p>
I think that this is inappropriate. Parents should not contact RAs unless there is an emergency or some other excellent reason.</p>
<p>How about sending him a text message saying that you have not heard from him in two weeks and would like a quick reply today?</p>
<p>i find it so rude for a young adult to ignore the very person who did all they could to get them to college</p>
<p>busy is not an excuse for rudeness</p>
<p>I remember one post about a mom who hadn’t heard from her student, so she sent a card saying there was a check or $ in it for them to buy pizza, but did not really enclose anything</p>
<p>amazingly (?) she got a call the next day</p>
<p>again, amazing how cruel some young adults can be, and to not bother to even say, hey, doing great, can’t talk long, love ya and thanks is just plain mean</p>
<p>and if you are paying for his phone, well, text that there is a problem with it, and you are assuming it is stolen or broken, so you think you might need to cancel the phone, which may actually be true, as you haven’t heard, you need to assume something happened to it</p>
<p>that is what I would do, because it is a very possible scenario</p>
<p>I wouldn’t cancel it, but say you thnk you might need to as it seems to not be working at all</p>
<p>debbym, I can relate. It’s been six days since we dropped off S1, and it sounds crazy, but this is really the first day that I haven’t been tearing up at one thing or another. I think exercise and getting out in the beautiful late summer weather helped, but mostly it’s just the passing time. He called and it was good to talk to him, even if it WAS because his debit card wouldn’t work.</p>
<p>I think it helps to remind ourselves that they are happy (hopefully) and in wonderful places, starting an exhilarating part of their lives. Lucky kids! I also think of how sad it would be now if he COULDN’T be at that great place. It’s just so different for us parents left behind…</p>
<p>OK-- Another contrarian point of view.</p>
<p>Did any of you go to extended over-night summer camp where you were away from your parents for days on end? Well, I did and I remember several things. </p>
<p>First, when the bus pulled away from the YMCA building to take us to camp, I looked out the window at my Mom and I missed her. Within a day or two at camp, I forgot my separation and started to really enjoy myself and what camp had to offer.</p>
<p>Then BANG, the first term of camp was over, up drive my parents to pick-up my brother and here I go again, MORE separation feelings as they stayed around a day and then drove off with my Brother. Guess what? I was going to stay a second term. It would have been better not to have seen them and the second year I explained this to them and they didn’t come out to get my brother, he rode back home on the return YMCA bus with the rest of the one-term kids.</p>
<p>MY POINT? Parents, you seem to forget that these same people who are our sons and daughters have their own separation issues. What to you is “rude” or inconsiderate may well be (and I believe often is) the young man or woman’s way to “swallow the bitter pill.” LESS conversation, IM’s etc with back home can make the ultimate length and severity of THEIR separation feelings less.</p>
<p>Perhaps we, as parents, need to look at what we are doing to our sons and daughters and focus less on our feeling of separation and loss. I discussed a little of this with my S in the 2 days we spent to drive to college. He (and I) want the “break” from the HS, parent-child relationship (where he reports and I approve or disapprove and ALWAYS comment) to adult-hood to be clean and as painless as possible for him.</p>
<p>I suggest parents BACK OFF. The reality is we need to start to assume the role of counselor, but only when and if asked. Many of you know what it is like to have YOUR parents still treat you as if you owed them an answer and/or call anytime they think you should. How does that make you feel?</p>
<p>There are very few parents on CC that really want to put their student back in the old box. The student IS NO longer the person he or she was when they left home. Get used to it.</p>
<p>Your thoughts?</p>
<p>My S truly forgets our connection when he’s really engrossed with his friends. He is one of those people who can’t focus on two things at once. When he’s home he “forgets” to call his friends and just spends time with us.</p>
<p>I don’t think he’s mean – this is just the way he is. When he’s with me he is loving; then he gets engrossed in something else, his friends, whatever.</p>
<p>I try just to be happy when I hear from him and not lay my expectations on him, especially because it seems to be agony for him to talk on the phone. </p>
<p>I agree with 07DAD – his task is more difficult than mine. Starting in life, starting to build a life is tough spade work. I wouldn’t want to do it again. It’s my job to help him to succeed at that, whatever it takes. I know he loves and values me, he just can’t always show it.</p>
<p>That said, if it gets too unbearable I will just visit him. Already planning on a visit for his 18th B’day. He intimated that he wants to go to the movies. I hope something worth seeing is out.</p>
<p>I am sorry, I disagree…these are young adults, who parents deserve some contact with their college offspring who in most cases, those parents have sacrifised ALOT, and to forget and ignore that is just mean</p>
<p>We are not talking about 10 year olds here, we are talking about young adults, who I can bet you are able to talk to their old friends with no problems at all</p>
<p>No, it is laziness and not caring about another person to not have any contact whatsoever with on of the most important people in your life</p>
<p>Remember, that student is having whole new adventures, and in the case of one parent, a single mom who is now alone, to not bother to make contact, is yes, very rude and cold</p>
<p>A simple text back- Life is Great- will do the trick</p>
<p>My Ds went to away camp many times, and I understood the need to let them be because it is all about learning independence, etc</p>
<p>But as young adults, who have ample resources to contact and who have I am sure contact old HS friends, can at minimum respond to a text or email</p>
<p>If mom is paying for that cell phone, well, that young adult better at least use it to say, yeah, mom, thank you!!! this is awesome</p>
<p>There is a big difference being able to NOT contact because of circumstances and choosing to ignore someone</p>
<p>To ignore is rude, and very disrespectful</p>
<p>Imagine if we didn’t answer our phone if they called, or respond to a problem, for days and weeks on end </p>
<p>they expect us to be there for them, and we are, but as adults, they need to think beyond their own needs and see that there are other people in the world that have feelings, needs, and care…to not even wonder about how mom is doing is just selfish, sorry, but it is</p>
<p>Once, I left my phone at home, and my D needed to contact me, when I finally got home, she was like “mom, answer your phone, where are you?”</p>
<p>Ever since that day, she doesn’t mind when I remind her to double check if she has her phone, she knows the feeling</p>
<p>My thoughts… are that everyone has made valid points, and it probably is different in every situation.
Some kids MAY really need the chance to separate, and ‘find themselves’ on their own time. Others might be so immersed in freshmen heaven that they just are oblivious, or choose to ignore the simple task of answering an email or picking up a phone to let their parents know they are alive. I don’t think the need for independence is at odds with making time once or twice a week for a quick hello.
I miss my son and the routine of family life before he left home, but I’m fully aware that it’s MY sadness, not his, and I don’t burden him with it – that’s why I visit CC!</p>
<p>07Dad, I was just wondering if I was the only one who of course missed the closeness of when they were young, but recognized that seperating from your parents, emotionally as well as physically is desirable.</p>
<p>That just because I miss my kids doesnt mean that I am going to burden them with how much. That I have been an adult for a * long* time, and I want them to have the freedom to have “their whole life in front of them”, to not feel obligated to be responsible for anyone but themselves, even if only for a short time.
I have to admit that I really enjoy the time when my kids were away at camp- and it takes a bit of adjustment when they came back- not just for them but for me!
I hope they realize that I really enjoy being their mother- but that is not my only role-
Since I just had two kids- albeit 8 years apart- active hands on parenting has been a big part of my life- but not the only part & while I saw the end of the hands on part as bittersweet- Im not one to look back- but to look ahead at the new adventures and opportunities for not only the girls but myself :)</p>
<p>Just as some parents like to send letters when their kids are off at camp & send frequent care packages- some of us “forget” and barely remember their birthdays :o
( if they arent getting older- it means Im not either 
)</p>
<p>I guess I feel that these young adults have the capabilty to see beyond their own needs at this point in their lives, to see that there are other people whom they count on, rely on, who have been there through thick and thin, and that it is time to remember that they aren’t the center of the universe, and that others feelings matter, others concern matter, and it isn’t all about them…is that the kind of adults we want to raise, self centered people who don’t even go “gee, mom was always there for me, wonder how she is doing, why don’t I let her know that I am doing great!”</p>
<p>My Ds call, etc., when they were away for long periods of time, not all the time, but they call to see how WE are, knowing that we are missing them, and to think that they shouldn’t at least be aware that no matter how amazing their lives are now, to forget the people that are STILL working on their behalf would be inconsiderate of them</p>
<p>I don’t think it is to much for a son to contact his mother at least with a text message, that is so little to ask for, how sad is it that he can’t be bothered to text back while he is waiting for a coffee, or in line for food</p>
<p>paying3tuitions: I have spoken to my son about 3 times since the two weeks have passed…but I called, he didn’t. He said he preferred I called instead of IM . I realize that he is wrapped up in everything new at college and will give him some time to come around. From what I see, the boys need more prodding to keep in touch than the girls. My son is not the most expressive person in the world, but I know he loves his family. My going crazy and demanding that he call me sort of defeats the purpose of him going away to school to become an independent person. In time, they usually touch base with family. I sure did.</p>
<p>True what an above poster said about OUR parents demanding we keep in touch–we wouldn’t like to be pressured. Just maybe reminded.</p>
<p>Sometimes the only news I have of my college-age kids is from Live Journal. One of them will post and I will have a tidbit of information on what they’ve been doing. Fortunately, two of them are in the same city now and sometimes see each other. So one way or another I get news.</p>