<p>I was working last summer at a late teen/young adult substance abuse program for kids that ranged from incarcerated to “recreational” use that led to legal issues.</p>
<p>When I quizzed the doctors running the program what causes one kid to abuse versus those that try it and move on. He said age they start. He said it is like an imprint in their brain before the brain develops fully. He said if a parent can intervene and prevent use till they are “at least” 18/19 the likelihood for lifelong abuse is reduced significantly. That goes for alcohol/tobacco/.</p>
<p>And yes emphatically said use is seated in the kids self medicating themselves for another issue in their lives.</p>
<p>emerald–you make good point–honestly w/o making my kids sound “uncool” they are not interested in getting high. </p>
<p>and I too found when I was a teen it was definitely a way kids dealt with family and other angst–my best friend went to a rehab in h.s. – her parents were divorcing and she had no support at all to get thru it. hopefully our generation of parents has learned a bit ourselves, about talking with our kids openly, and helping them as they need it. I do believe this averts bigger problems, and using drugs to fit in, to feel good about oneself, to quiet emotional pain. if I thought this kid was smoking pot at a party a few times and enjoying himself I wouldn’t pay it much attention. this kid is definitely not having fun.</p>
<p>samiamy–totally agree…if my rules helped my kids get thru most of their adolescence with little experimentation then I have done my job. The brain development issue is also true regarding driving…the older they are the better judgment they have and the less trouble they get in.</p>
<p>and I came from a home with very little parental supervision. I had a parent who was too busy trying to find themselves and the other parent died when I was 13.<br>
Never smoked, drank a few times but don’t at all now.
I’ve always been up front about drinking and drugs with my 2 Ss.</p>
<p>Gotta agree with EK about the self-medicating…thankfully, I didn’t go that route, but understand it happens.</p>
<p>As ebeeeee said, I’d be livid! And I’d let this “friend” know that, while she has the right to act irresponsibly in the raising of her own child, she does not have the right to make such decisions when it come to other people’s children. It absolutely staggers me the way some people seem to lack judgment.</p>
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<p>Repeating the sentiment expressed by astrophysicsmom, I suspect that this woman is much more interested in being her S’s “friend” than being his parent. There are any number of legal alternatives available to this woman to help her son overcome some of his cognitive and emotional challenges, but I guess none of them would earn her the “Chill Mom of the Year” award…:rolleyes:</p>
<p>poetsheart and eebee–I told her I would be angry if she had permitted one of my kids to have that “privilege” in her home. </p>
<p>my 12 yr old was at a friends house and started sneezing bc he was allergic to their cats. the mom gave him a double dose of benadryl, (without even calling me) when I picked him up he was sleeping. she found this funny… I live 5 mins away and would have happily just picked him up earlier–she did not have my permission to give him anything and it would not have been how I handled it.</p>
<p>You guys assume that if a parent lets their child smoke/drink in their house that they are going to let others. My parents have always made it very clear that their rules only apply to me and not others. When my sister had parties and they were drinking, my parents would ALWAYS have a meeting with the parents and inform them that there would be alcohol at the party, then if a parent opposed it, that teenager was not let into the house. </p>
<p>There is a huge difference between letting YOUR child do something in your house and letting someone else’s child.</p>
<p>Does your friend know that if her son is caught with pot means all the government grants and loans for college can disappear, never to be seen again? </p>
<p>Just a thought. Regardless of whether someone thinks smoking pot is okay or not, I don’t think it’s worth doing if you’re getting federal loans/grants. (Unless it’s a legal presciption, of course.)</p>
<p>roman—I posted this and my friend IS permitting other kids to get high with her son. never gave it a thought how their parents would feel–or if a kid might already have a drug problem, or be on some medication that would intensify smoking pot.</p>
<p>honestly, I find it very surprising that your parents got other parents to agree to teen drinking at your sister’s parties. sounds like some parents having a hard time with peer pressure. I would have been the dissenting parent whose kid would then be banned from the party…sad</p>
<p>I understand you are protective of your parents’ beliefs, and that’s fine. I respect that we all have different perspectives on this.</p>
<p>as far as college that is a good point. her d is at a community college recvg aid, and I imagine she has those same privileges. as far as him not interested in college–he is a confused, troubled kid who may very well choose that path if given the support to move in that direction.</p>
<p>it seems a little cruel to assume all parents who allow drinking are being “peer pressured”. Some parent just see no real problem with responsible teen drinking, especially many European families especially where I think culture allows it more (I certainly have a lot of friends whose parents think that way). And assuming they are not going to be loud and rowdy, those parents aren’t likely letting their kids drink if they’re extremely unlikely to get caught as well.</p>
<p>Sorry to interfere; it just seems like like some unjust assumptions were being made about romangypsyeyes and his/her parents.</p>
<p>Yes, that is something I forgot to mention. My mum is from Europe and was raised in a pub. In Europe, there is no taboo on underage drinking and they have no “peer pressure” over here to drink. In fact, many people look down on them for not making it off-limits to me. Therefore they have always let me, but always warned me of the consequences. </p>
<p>I think we live in such an uptight culture about drinking and pot and that is what screws our kids up. It is such a taboo thing that when they are allowed to do it, many will. Obviously, not all. My parents took that taboo away and I never felt pressured to do it. </p>
<p>I, again, am speaking from personal experience. I can only tell you what I have experienced and I am speaking through the eyes of my generation which is much different than what your generation.</p>
<p>I am not saying one is right over the other but I am giving another view on it.</p>
<p>First of all I’m a kind of an x-hippy who went to school in the early 70’s and have a lot of thoughts about how this country has handled (mishandled) the war on drugs… That being said, The world has changed and I would not let my S spend any time at a house that I knew parents allowed the use of drugs in their home.
I think it’s incredibly unfair to children to treat them like adults and all too often I see parents not willing to stand up and be the parent. I have never seen any good come from parents wanting to be cool or trying to justify their own behaviors.
I’m more than a little prodigious in my viewpoint after watching several of my S’s friends (some of them truly great kids) fall apart without parents who cared enough to set limits and then serve as an example for the behavior they wanted their kids to model. Obviously bad behavior by parents isn’t limited to drug use but it’s a heck of a strong indicator.</p>
<p>PS -
I could care less what adults do in their home with other adults…</p>
<p>as I said in my earlier posts, I respect others’ perspectives and think we can all learn from each others views. you make a very valid point about different how different cultures view and use alcohol etc…</p>
<p>my reference to parents responding to peer pressure is based on my experience as a parent and wasn’t meant to offend. I see many parents in my area, who are trying very hard to still be well, young, cool, to fit in to the popular group…they are into sportscars, tanning, dressing and acting like well teenagers… many of them leave the kids to their own devices…going away on trips frequently w/o their kids, leaving kids as young as 15 unsupervised for weekends and longer. </p>
<p>I work with teens and I hear from them how they are hurt by their parents’ not being there for them, and embarrassed by their parents’ self-centeredness.</p>
<p>As a parent I feel it is my responsibility to set guidelines. I need to set a baseline for my kids. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t expect my kids to try to break them. It is part of growing up - to try to break rules. But without our guidelines, they wouldn’t even know what to rebel against. </p>
<p>We do allow underage drinking in our house, but we do not condone smoking pot or other drugs in our house. We have talked about it extensively, and our girls understand why. At the same time, our D1 also told us she has tried pot because she was curious. She told me in the back of her mind she remembered our position on it, and when she was trying it she did feel bad.</p>
<p>I am not going to pretend I never inhaled , but I guess I can appreciate that my mother would not have tolerated it.
A local family suffered a devastating loss about two years ago. The 15 yr old son, whose parents were letting him do drugs in the home ( and the rumor has it that they also indulged )
There was a horrible, suspicious fire that in only a few minutes time, took the life of the boy…still no answers, but a lot of speculation about it being a retaliation of sorts and that the boy OD’d and was unable to escape.
I don’t think it will ever be resolved…not a chance I would want to take</p>
<p>You are kidding yourself if you think that underage drinking is better than smoking pot. I would gladly tell my kids to do pot rather than drink. Here is a really interesting article that I think parents should read when they allow underage drinking but not smoking pot.</p>
<p>agreed that aside from the legality issue, pot use is probably better (at least you can’t overdose on pot, and I haven’t really heard cases of it causing the violent behavior and such that sometimes occurs with alcoholic parents).</p>
<p>I’d like to also note the unsupervised thing is also largely cultural… I have immigrant friends whose parents have left them unsupervised at home since 15 and if you ask me they turned out to be just fine, often more responsible that sheltered kids like me who to this day get warned not to walk alone and apparently can’t be left in the house alone for a week or so.</p>
<p>I am not here to debate whether drinking age should be 18 or 21. In our house it is acceptable to have wine with dinner for special occasions when our kids are under 21. The consequence of me giving a glass of wine to my kid vs allowing my kid to have a joint is in our house is very different.</p>
<p>Again, how so? They are both illegal, are they not? And alcohol is much more dangerous than weed. </p>
<p>If your issue is that weed is illegal, well so is alcohol at that age.
If your issue is that weed is dangerous, alcohol is more so.
I don’t understand then what you are arguing.</p>