<p>I am not arguing about anything here. I am expressing my baseline with my kids. </p>
<p>At some point (21) alcohol will be legal. My kids will always be exposed to alcohol their whole life - college, work, social events. I would prefer to teach them how to drink responsibly before they leave the house. It is customary for someone to offer you a drink when you are at a party, but I have very rarely had anyone offer me a joint at a party. The reason is maybe it is illegal.</p>
<p>“Again, how so? They are both illegal, are they not? And alcohol is much more dangerous than weed.”</p>
<p>First of all, no, they are not necessarily both illegal – in my state, parents may share alcohol with their children, even though it is illegal for the children to buy or drink alcohol without parental involvement.</p>
<p>Second of all, shoplifting a pack of gum and stealing a car are both illegal, but that doesn’t mean parents have to treat them the same. Consequences matter. A lecture from a security officer is a hell of a lot different from a felony conviction and ten years in jail. It’s the consequences I’d be worried about.</p>
<p>From a chemical and physical perspective, alcohol may indeed be more dangerous than weed. From a legal perspective, weed is a thousand times more dangerous. A minor-in-possession ticket isn’t a big deal in any state. It’s not going to send you to jail, keep you from getting financial aid, etc. Possessing any amount of pot is a federal crime, punishable by up to a year in jail. This is dead serious.</p>
<p>I also do not allow cigarettes in our house. They could disagree, but it is a message I want to send to my kids. If they should ever pick up a cigarette, I hope they would remember my disapproving voice.</p>
<p>My brother is four years older than me. My parents believed that it was o.k. for him to drink at home, and he was allowed to invite friends to play poker and drink beer as long as they spent the night. They also knew he smoked pot, and though I don’t remember him doing it at home they were very much of the '70’s mind set of “hey, don’t hassle the kid. He’s just experimenting.” I saw exactly where this led, and it wasn’t to responsible use and moderation. I think if you flip that switch in your brain too soon you’re taking a huge risk. It also turns out that perhaps my parents were so permissive because my dad is an alcoholic. </p>
<p>I am not raising my sons with blinders on, and I am not naive. I ran a group home for juvenile offenders. I’m well aware what’s out there, but there is no way in hell I would ever say, “I know you’re going to do it, so just do it here.” I tell them exactly what someone mentioned above, the risks, the statistics of early drug and alcohol use. I tell them about the history of alcoholism, drug addiction, and schizophrenia in our family history. It might be really fun to jump off a bridge if you have a bungee cord attached to you, but what if you don’t get to find that out until you jump? Is it still fun? </p>
<p>This mom is in a difficult situation, but she’s picked the worst possible way to handle it. She could end up in jail.</p>
<p>Supervised underaged drinking parties have gone out of fashion in our part of the country. A few post-party drunk driving fatalities took much of the fun away. One common parental defense: “But we took everyone’s keys when they arrived.”</p>
<p>Romani, you and your family sound pretty thoughtful about the pot at home issue, but don’t assume that others are as conscientious. Also, don’t assume that because you turned out the way you did, others with similar parental boundaries or permissiveness would turn out the same.</p>
<p>The OP’s friend is in a completely different ballpark. Her behavior is selfish and self serving. In avoiding conflict with her son by not setting boundaries, it sounds like she has lost his respect. </p>
<p>I think the most important thing is to take a stand that conforms with your values, and then be consistent as you can be, with a eye to reality. For me, this means that I would not allow my D and her friends to have a drinking party. BUT, it would be OK with me if they were to have a sit-down dinner party and share a bottle of wine. (This has happened-- my D and her friends all like to cook.) </p>
<p>One thing that some permissive adults may not be aware of is the extent of drinking. For a lot of kids, the goal is to get completely drunk, not just pleasantly tipsy. I wouldn’t mind my college age D enjoying a couple of drinks with friends on a Friday night, even though she is underage, but if she was “pre-gaming”, starting on Thursday, I would have a completely different reaction.</p>
<p>Pot seems different to me, but not because of legality. It’s not really a social drug and so if my kid had a weed problem, I would have other concerns, like if they were withdrawing from life and their responsibilities.</p>
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<p>None of my D’s friends drive (we live in a city). If we lived in the suburbs, I would probably not have allowed the wine with dinner, unless they were sleeping over. Also, we’re talking 8 girls sharing one bottle, so it was more the ritualistic aspect of it. They had soda too, which they actually much perfered.</p>
<p>Samiamy, when you said:
I was working last summer at a late teen/young adult substance abuse program for kids that ranged from incarcerated to “recreational” use that led to legal issues.</p>
<p>When I quizzed the doctors running the program what causes one kid to abuse versus those that try it and move on. He said age they start. He said it is like an imprint in their brain before the brain develops fully. He said if a parent can intervene and prevent use till they are “at least” 18/19 the likelihood for lifelong abuse is reduced significantly. That goes for alcohol/tobacco/. </p>
<p>Do you know if he published anything along those lines? I’m looking for sources for a class.</p>
<p>Impaired driving worries me with this scenario as well. My friend assumed that since she permitted her son to smoke at home that would be the ONLY place he’d smoke. I asked her why he wouldn’t smoke wherever he chose to, a friend’s, a party, the car. she had no answer. she believed that he only smoked once a week–now truth is who knows, but I certainly think if he is given the ok to smoke in the comfort of his home, why would he restrict his smoking to home, why not anywhere?</p>
<p>You are right. Your friend is wrong, but there’s probably nothing that you can do about her misguided parenting. Perhaps she’ll have to learn the hard way…</p>
<p>I just don’t get what the big deal with pot is?
it’s not harmful
it’s not addictive
and, if removed from illicit channels, actually does more good than bad…</p>
<p>i think alcohol is such a bigger issue, yet we have ridiculous mandatory minimums to ruin kids lives, all over a little weed</p>
<p>why not let them learn from their mistakes, instead of punishing them…</p>
<p>seems dumb to me</p>
<p>“I just don’t get what the big deal with pot is?
it’s not harmful
it’s not addictive
and, if removed from illicit channels, actually does more good than bad…”</p>
<p>The problem is that it’s illegal. As a result, if a person gets a pot conviction, they are, for instance, prohibited from getting any federal funding for college, something that’s true if a person has any drug conviction.</p>
<p>As far as I’m concerned, pot should be legal and taxed, but since it’s not legal, I won’t allow anyone to use it in my house.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I completely understand that, and I am not saying it applies to everyone. I am simply going off of my own experiences. </p>
<p>However, what I was trying to get across (and I admit that it was poorly done because I am tired and was very irritated about something else and taking it out on here) was that teenagers will try drugs and drink if they want to. The only difference is where they will do it. I do not demonize this mother like many on here do because she is allowing her son to smoke in her house. I am saying though that I would rather parents be more lenient and allow teenagers to do it supervised at home rather than who-knows-where. </p>
<p>I do not drink. I do not do drugs. I am adamantly against them and work at a crisis center, have volunteered at a rehab center, and am a part of a program that tries to deter drinking and driving. And very rarely do I encounter people whose parents let them do things at home. More often than not it is people who were sheltered from it all of their lives and then when finally allowed went overboard and had issues. </p>
<p>I also think it is HIGHLY hypocritical when people on here talk this mother down for allowing her son to smoke when they allow their children to drink. Pot will be legal soon, whether people like it or not, and it is very readily available already. I know many more people who smoke than drink, and again drinking is a lot more harmful than pot. </p>
<p>I am trying to give you parents the view of a teenager. I am trying to show you the world that your children live in. You pretend to understand, but you don’t, much the same way that your parents did not understand the world that you were raised in. You can take what I say or leave it, I don’t care, I really don’t. I am giving you the honest truth of what our world is like today and what it is like to grow up in it. I am telling you that your children will more likely than not try drugs and, again, the only difference is where and under what conditions. </p>
<p>I know I am not going to convince anybody of my point of view, and I am not trying to. But it is my opinion, from experience, that the pull of drugs is more that you cannot do them. It is in our nature to rebel and there is not much for us to rebel against. Smoking pot and drinking is one way, and when parents take away that taboo it tends to take away the desire to rebel. </p>
<p>Do not think that my parents didn’t warn me of the dangers. They tell me all the time what drinking and drugs can do to you. My uncle died of liver failure because of drinking and I have many alcoholics in my family. I also have parents that have done weed my entire life. At the same time, I have a boyfriend that battled his addiction to drinking and drugs for two years. But his biggest attraction to them was that they were not allowed. Now that he qualifies for medical marijuana and is able to drink, he does neither, and doesn’t want to. I also had a “boyfriend” at 13 who went to jail (yes, he was 13 too) for drugs. He too did it to rebel because he came from a bad home. Now he is 18 and clean and tours the state lecturing parents about the need to be open with their kids and talking to kids about not drinking and doing drugs and, if they are going to, to do them responsibly.</p>
<p>Again, all of this is from my own personal opinion and from my own personal experiences of being raised in today’s world. These is the personal opinion of an 18-year-old, so take it with however much weight you desire.</p>
<p>but it is harmful
it is addictive
it does NOT channel any good other than false neurotransmiter excitation that makes you think you are happy. The dopomine gets to the right places but you are still the same old kid you were before…
and the younger you start, the more you impair your hippocampus among other brain structures.</p>
<p>I’m going to sign off on this thread now, because it wil be suddenly flooded with pro-pot posters…</p>
<p>Wrong, wrong, wrong! 1. Allowing your kid to do illegal activities in your house is wrong. 2. Not acting like a parent and enforcing positive behavior is wrong. 3. Condoning the waste of time that is drug taking/drinking is wrong. </p>
<p>Kids need their growing brains for doing their work and/or daydreaming–without drugs. Among the other problems with drugs and drinking is that it “stops the clock”–in other words, kids are passing time that they get no benefit from because they are deliberately checking out of full consciousness when they take them. Not all kids take drugs. Plenty do not. And the kinds of kids who DON’T take drugs tend to be the ones who put a high value on their time. There is a lot of emotional work that needs to be done during adolescence. Being zoned out on drugs is not necessary or helpful.</p>
<p>[Social</a> Host](<a href=“http://www.socialhost.org/]Social”>http://www.socialhost.org/)</p>
<p>32 states have social host laws. Locally we have had about 10 arrests of parents who knowingly supply or turn a blind eye to it. They went to jail overnight, paid a fine. Not fun to see ones own mug on the local tv channel for a few kids who want to drink.</p>
<p>A 2005 survey of teenagers aged 13 to 18 conducted by the American Medical Association (AMA) found that nearly half of teenagers surveyed reported having obtained alcohol; two out of three teenagers said it was easy to get alcohol from their homes without their parents knowing about it; one-third of teens reported it was easy to obtain alcohol from their own consenting parents; two out of five teenagers said it was easy to obtain alcohol from a friend’s parents; one in four teenagers responded they had attended a party where minors were drinking in front of parents; and for teens who obtained alcohol in the past six months, parents have been the supplier an average of three times in a six-month period.[5a]</p>
<p>Often, parents and other adults have a high tolerance for underage drinking parties, allowing them to occur on their property and without any supervision. This community tolerance for underage drinking may stem from several misconceptions about youth alcohol consumption.[6]</p>
<p>dragonmom,</p>
<p>Im not sure if he has published it or not, will see if I can find anything as I have his name.</p>
<p>most points here on the drug issue are very valid (mostly the legality points on consequences and such)- I just don’t think the “drugs waste your time” argument is honestly. I mean videogames and tv aren’t exactly an ideal use of children’s time either but they are more culturally acceptable.</p>
<p>Also, to add not everyone “zones out” on pot. I know people who have used it to relax but can still do pretty much everything they care/need to do when sober.</p>
<p>Romani, you seem to have a good level head on your shoulders. Many teens do NOT. You also say we do not understand teens, just as our parents did not understand us. You do realize that almost all of us were your age in the 60’s and 70’s, with a LOT of the same activities going on, don’t you? We DO understand.</p>