Parent - Parent (Need your advise Please)

Parent Cafe
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<p>Need some parent to parent advise please </p>

<p>My daughter is a junior at a senior high school. She is new at this school as her junior high is separate from Senior. This week she was sick with fever, cold and cough and I had to get her from School on Monday and she is at home. It has come to our attention that a male teacher( orchestra director ) commented on her absence as follows :</p>

<p>(name) got sick because she kept making out with guys. </p>

<p>My daughter is crying her heart out seeing the text from a friend and I am ****ed off as hell with this teacher. I don’t understand what type of a person especially a teacher makes comments about a student like that in class. My first thought was … well let me not say it out loud but I am sure you can read between the lines.</p>

<p>We know the girl who text ed since middle school and is def not one to make up such things I grilled my daughter to see if he made comments like this to other students. It seems his comments were mostly like " short people deserve to die" to one particular girl student and some times this directed at other students also.Of course all this jokingly. I am told he even JOKES about himself by saying to the kids " I like shaking my moneymaker" </p>

<p>I dont know how a teacher can speak like this to underage kids and get away. It has only been 3 weeks since school started and I am just shocked to listen to all of this. The school district is wonderful and we moved here just so my daughter can attend these particular schools. All the teachers from her 6th grade to now were very helpful and went out of the way to encourage my daughter in every way; be it in her extra curricular activities (FBLA/ science fair/ HOSA) academics & especially after her appendectomy last yr in 10th grade every effort was made by all the teachers in every possible way for her to make up the missed work. There are so many dedicated teachers that I felt we were lucky to be attending these schools. This incident with this particular teacher has taken me completely by surprise. What would you guys advise and how would you deal with this as a parent</p>

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<p>First I would take a couple of hours to be sure I didn’t act in the (understandable) heat of the the moment. Then I would ask to meet with the department head. I would relay what you were told, let him/her know you are very concerned but willing to keep an open mind. Ask him/her to look into the situation, asking trusted students from the class to confirm or deny what was said. Let them know that if the information is verified you will expect the teacher to make a public apology to your daughter, and enquire about what else the department will do to ensure no other students are humiliated in this way. And that if the report is NOT confirmed you will encourage your daughter’s friend to apologize to the teacher. </p>

<p>Good luck–and let us know how it goes.</p>

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<p>This must have been horrible for your daughter and has obviously caused her some degree of embarassment and humiliation when she is already sick enough. I would be alot more firm with the school she attends, make them aware of how that made your daughter feel and how inappropriate the comment was. The teacher should be ashamed what he said esspecially when your daughter was not there to defend herself. Appauling behavior from an educator. I hope your daughter feels better soon, Do let us know how you get on!</p>

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<p>I agree with 3trees, but I think, once you have verified that the comment was made, I’d make a formal complaint in writing to the Principal and the District Superintendent.
It sometimes takes several complaints to have any disciplinary action taken against teachers in the public schools. The letter should go in this teacher’s file.
My kids had a PE teacher in middle school who was horrendous and said inappropriate things to kids all the time, but covered it up as “joking.” He must have had a pretty thick file, as eventually he was fired.
It’s unfortunate that this is an orchestra teacher, as it may not be possible to move to a different class.Let’s hope this doesn’t turn your daughter off to being in the orchestra- but it might. People don’t realize that teachers can be life changing in negative ways as well as positive.
Good luck to you. Reassure your daughter that all of the kids know what a ****ass this person is, so it’s unlikely that they will think less of her. They have probably been the butt of his “jokes”, or worried that they may be the next victim.</p>

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<p>If it were me I would send an e-mail to the Principal explaining what happened and cite the highly inappropriate comments from the teacher. Point out that teachers are supposed to be role models, etc. etc. and statements like “short people deserve to die” even if said in a joking manner falls under bullying.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for taking the time to post. Makes me feel better and strong to advise my daughter too. I am taking all of your suggestions and emailing the Principal. My mind had totally blanked out but now I will incorporate all of your valuable suggestions and email. Unfortunately he is the Orchestra director. My daughter tells me her Violin teacher(she is a new lady) and a student teacher are always present in her classes along with this director. So I am hoping the Principal will speak with them and act accordingly</p>

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<p>Lilytx, I would talk with the Violin teacher ASAP to ascertain whether her version of what happened is the same as that which you’ve heard. You don’t want to complain and then have the teacher say it didn’t happen because she is afraid of offending the orchestra director. If her description is consistent with what you’ve heard, I’d tell her that you are planning to discuss this remark (and others) to the Principal and ask whether she’ll respond to a question from the Principal with the same description or whether it would differ? Assuming she says no, I’d consider sending off that email. If she waffles, you should go talk to the student teacher. If neither will tell the Principal what actually happened, you and especially your daughter are going to have a hard time getting satisfaction.</p>

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<p>Please let us know what happens. Hugs.</p>

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<p>

Whoa, let’s take a breath. The man didn’t molest anyone. This guy sounds exactly like my D’s old choir director. He was young and flirtatious and wanted all the kids to be his friends, so he was often given to these kinds of remarks as a way to relate on their level. A stupid way to handle high schoolers, and totally unprofessional, but D was unwilling to report him because almost all the other kids in choir thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and she didn’t want to be ostracized as the tattler. You may want to tread lightly here. Assuming your daughter doesn’t have a negative reputation, it appears his remark was an attempt at a joke that could have been directed at any girl who missed class that day, not a personal denunciation of your child. I think your daughter is waaay overereacting if she is crying her heart out over a silly comment. Rather than ramp this up to code red, I think the best way to handle things is for your daughter to approach the teacher in his office and explain that she was embarrassed by his comment and would appreciate his not saying that sort of thing again about any girl in class. Once he realizes this sort of thing is not taken in good fun by everyone, this behavior will likely end–and if it doesn’t, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to address it with higher ups at the school.</p>

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<p>

I disagree. This guy is a teacher, not another kid. He speaks with authority, even if he is a classless idiot. He had no business making that kind of inappropriate comment, and the girl’s reaction is what it is. The teacher created the problem, not the student.</p>

<p>I would take it up with the principal, and let him/her educate this jerk about exactly what is or is not acceptable in discussing his students with other students. There are teachers looking for work out there who won’t make suggestive comments about kids who aren’t present to defend themselves.</p>

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<p>I would meet with the teacher to ask him if he made such comment. I would expect him to say no, then I would tell him that I wouldn’t think so either, but if I ever caught him making any comments close to that, he would be very sorry. I would also let him know that of course I would expect him to make my daughter to continue feel comfortable in his class.</p>

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<p>I agree with oldfort–confront the teacher directly.</p>

<p>When my daughter began her junior year in high school, she was complaining that her math teacher was making sexist comments and treating the girls in the class as inferior. Initially I wasn’t overly concerned…until my daughter related that he said to her “I saw that you received a high score on your math SAT, who’d you copy off of?”. As soon as I heard this, I called the teacher and said “I understand that you accused my daughter of cheating on the SATs”. It put him on the defensive and he said he was only kidding and that’s how he motivates smart girls, he wants to toughen them up so they can compete with men, yadda, yadda, yadda. Needless to say, she did not have any problems with him the rest of the semester.</p>

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<p>MommaJ – I disagree. Teachers do NOT have the right to make disparaging remarks like this. Putting it on the child, that she was embarrassed is not acceptable. Thats more of the blame the victim.</p>

<p>Now I agree with others, that how to handle it is diffcult.</p>

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<p>I suggest going to the teacher first. Via email, carefully thought out, so you have a record of what is said. A good teacher should then ask you to come in and talk in person, maybe with your child. Then, if you are not satisfied with the result, cc the Principal on all communication, and go from there. But, first go to the teacher. Believe me, kids hear the strangest things. You don’t want to lose a good music teacher over a misunderstanding. A good principal will ask you to speak directly to the teacher, anyway. A good teacher will apologize to your daughter, admit they said something stupid, etc. Your D and said teacher might end up with a really great relationship. Or, if he (the teacher) turns out to be a nutcase, the school officials will appreciate the written communication as evidence. Good luck! Do remember that teachers are human, too, and can learn from their mistakes if they are good people.</p>

<p>Re the “short people deserve to die” comment, I’m willing to bet that he was singing or quoting the line from the Randy Newman song: “Short people got- no reason to live.” Still, this guy needs to figure out how to joke around without insulting people!</p>

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<p>3 Trees, littlemisschic, moonchild, Krlilies : thank you for the immediate support and valuable advice</p>

<p>Shawbridge I had every intent of emailing the principal your msg made me look at the practical side: would a student teacher & a new teacher to the school speak up against the orch director ? I dint think so.</p>

<p>Kayf: Thank you for the hugs & support</p>

<p>MommaJ: Inspite of the agony my daughter did not want me initially to speak to this orch director or the principal. I told her know one is going to stand up for her unless she learns to do so and I told her to think that she is doing a great favor to other students by standing up this “gentleman”. May be he will stop commenting other kids like he did my daughter & he told this other girl who is short" short people deserve to die", you said this man did not molest anyone but is this not abetting suicide ?</p>

<p>Also no teacher talks adult lingo to kids " I like shaking my money-maker" please… would the same person use this language or all the above comments to speak to his daughter at home . I dont think so.</p>

<p>Also FYI, it is not just my daughter over reacting just so you know it is me too. I am angry, I am upset, I am hurt and I believe anyone’s reactions should have to be similar otherwise I would think something is way wrong /missing. Well we all have our own ways of dealing with pain. But other than this your last 5 -6 lines have very good advice. Thank you !</p>

<p>Frazzled1: Very rightly said. Thank you for your awesome support !</p>

<p>Moonchild, Oldfort, Audiophile and Sopranomom92 after reading your posts I thought I will email the teacher first instead of the principal . Like moonchild said “It sometimes takes several complaints to have any disciplinary action taken against teachers in the public schools” who knows when his file will fill up if kids / their parents dont want to speak up. Lets hope I have made the right choice to confront the teacher rather than go through the principal at this first step</p>

<p>This is what I emailed :
Mr…</p>

<p>(My Daughter’s name) was very sick these 4 days with fever, cough & cold.</p>

<p>It has come to my notice that you have made an inappropriate comment about my daughter’s absence in class.</p>

<p>It seems your words were " she got sick because she kept making out with guys"</p>

<p>Needless to say this was very emotionally upsetting for our family especially my daughter. I cannot begin to describe the pain and hurt this has caused. Before I say anything else about this character assassination I would like to hear your side first. Email is the best way to reach me tomorrow.</p>

<p>She is going to be in class tomorrow and I hope you will not make her uncomfortable in any way.</p>

<p>Regards,
…</p>

<p>Hope for all our sake this does not go bad/ backfire and make me wish I had approached the principal rather than him, I am also a little afraid what he might say to my daughter. Well, we can take only 1 road at the fork right ? I will keep you all updated and I thank each one of you again for your timely support, valuable advice, Hugs and the genuine concern you all have. I will keep updating as things progress</p>

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<p>A stupid joke is “character assassination”??? Quoting from a popular song is “abetting suicide”??? You actually wrote in your email, “I cannot begin to describe the pain and hurt this has caused”??? Sorry, OP, I think your reactions are wildly over the top, and can only conclude that you are fomenting your daughter’s equally over-the-top reaction to what amounted to a little teasing–and that lucky for her, she has no idea what real pain and hurt are like. You know that not one person in the room actually believed that your daughter got sick from “making out with guys”–they are used to this guy, and his palaver, so how in heaven’s name was her character assassinated? Yes, he’s a teacher, yes he should know better, but it all doesn’t amount to a hill of beans, and a calm, reasonable conversation was called for here, not a strident email. I’m sorry you took this path–you can bet that email will cement your reputation among the faculty and administration as one of “those parents”–not a good thing if any truly serious issue ever arises in the future.</p>

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<p>Too late to edit, so just want to add that it seems your daughter must have been in a very sheltered environment before transferring to a more typical high school. She will need to toughen up, I’m afraid, or she’ll be offended at every turn. In two years she’ll be at college, where all sorts of offensive stuff will fly through the air, and what will she do then? </p>

<p>As I mentioned, my D’s choir teacher often cracked jokes at others’ expense in an attempt to be pals with his students. He also tended to comment favorably on the outfits worn by the pretty girls–ick. They all learned to roll their eyes and brush it off, because he was a great choral teacher. High school is never perfect. You have to choose your battles and not go ballistic over things that are of no consequence.</p>

<p>@kayf–there was no “victim” here. The girl was merely teased.</p>

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<p>I actually totally disagree with MommaJ. I don’t think OP and her daughter was over reacting. As someone who had worked in a very male dominated environment, I would have been very upset if my boss had made such a remark about me - Oldfort is out because she was partying too much. Just because this guy is rude and crude, it doesn’t mean OP’s daughter needs to put up with it. This is a teaching moment for the daughter. Her mother is teaching her to stand up for her rights and it is NOT ok for anyone to make that kind of remarks about her. It is especially hard for a young woman to stand up to someone of authority. OP is teaching her daughter to toughen up by standing up to a bully. OP is telling her daughter that she needs to be treated with respect. It is NOT ok for a teacher (boss) to crack a joke like.</p>

<p>I am glad OP is standing up for her daughter. Hopefully when the daughter leaves home to go to college, she’ll learn to stand up for herself.</p>

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<p>My two older kids had a HS teacher with a similar sense of humor. He told one girl, “you look like a hooker chomping gum that gum.” He had an acid tongue - sometimes funny, sometimes biting, but none of it was ever really meant to be taken personally. When my daughter first encountered him, I was shocked at some of the things she said he told the class. I also couldn’t believe that the school allowed him to say such things. </p>

<p>Every year a few new parents complain about him, and it has not made a hill of beans difference. The thing is, his is an outstanding teacher - his lectures are funny, interesting, and full of life. He also gave everything for his students and always went the extra bit to write amazing recommendations, offer guidance. The students all adore him by their senior year and he is one the most beloved teachers in the school. I think having this teacher helped my kids mature because it forced them to figure out how to react to the unexpected, to be uncomfortable for a moment and deal with it.</p>

<p>So, my question, is this a good teacher? What do the seniors have to say about him? If he is the orchestra director, he must spend time outside of the classroom with students. What is their impression? I wouldn’t rush to a judgement about the teacher before gaining a better understanding.</p>

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<p>Twenty years ago, if an employee was a high producer, indiscretion was tolerated. Today, not so much, and it has taken us many years to get to this point. It shouldn’t matter if a teacher is a “good” teacher or not, he/she should know better. H just said that if anyone said that about our girls he would be in the school today, never mind an email. The teacher pretty much called OP’s daughter a whore, and that’s ok?</p>