<p>While I am thick skinned now, a comment like that while I was in HS would have been horrible. MommaJ, I can only assume you have sons as any parent with a daughter would not responded as you did. The teacher obviously thought he was being “cute” but in fact was an insensitive jerk.</p>
<p><a href=“name”>Quote</a> got sick because she kept making out with guys. </p>
<p>My daughter is crying her heart out seeing the text from a friend and I am ****ed off as hell with this teacher.
[/Quote]
</p>
<p>WOW! If that made your daughter cry her heart out, then I feel very sorry for her. Either she doesn’t have a sense of humor or she cries about every little thing.</p>
<p>I was in choir in high school. We were a close knit group and the male teacher made jokes all the time and nobody was offended. We were more like a family. I can bet you my life savings that he said it as a joke. It is a joke and the joke is hilarious. If I was your daughter, I would go to class and say “Girls, stay away from (name a few guys names from class) unless you want to get sick”. I can assure you the class will laugh and everything will be fine.</p>
<p>It is called a hostile environment.</p>
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<p>If we make a point of protecting our adult workers, why wouldn’t we do the same for our students.</p>
<p>I am the mother of a girl, homeschooled prior to high school, and I agree with MommaJ. When my daughter was in high school, she would oftern tell me about crazy stuff teachers said. Only one time did I even consider contacting anyone about it and my daughter was mortified at the thought. This is high school, the comment was made in a teasing manner by a teacher known to joke in this manner, it was not a verbal assault on your daughter’s character and nobody in the classroom took it as that. In my opinion, this is something your daughter should deal with directly with the teacher if it truly bothers her as you say. A simple conversation with her teacher is all that seems warranted in my opinion.</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like he called the daughter a “whore.” That is an exaggeration. From what the OP wrote, it was clearly meant to be a joke and the entire class understood it was a joke. While I’m not advocating for this teaching style, it can provide an interesting educational experience for students, and perhaps the OP should try to figure out the complete picture of who this teacher is before she rushes to judgement.</p>
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<p>This was not a close knit group, the OP stated it was a new school. Apples to oranges.</p>
<p>If he is the type of teacher that some of you are saying that “just” make these comments, he should learn to keep their trap shut. Nothing funny about humiliating a new student in front of their peers.</p>
<p>
Agree with MommaJ. Shall I give some examples of what is truly indescribable hurt and pain? </p>
<p>I think that most of the “My child’s teacher didn’t give him the grade he/she deserved on a test/assignment!” CC threads have as the consensus opinion that the student needs to handle the issue (with guidance from the parent if necessary). So what’s so different here? If tbe OP’s d is as distressed as the OP writes, then why can’t the d approach the teacher? Sure, OP can advise her as to what to say and how the back-and-forth with the teacher might go. Her d will have gotten some valuable practice in learning how to stand up for herself. I’m puzzled as to why the majority of posters seem to think that the OP alone needs to handle the issue in this case. </p>
<p>What’s going to happen in two years when she’s at college?</p>
<p>I agree, by the time my children were HS juniors, I realized that it was important to back off and let them deal with different situations. If a curmudgeonly teacher had something to say to them that they didn’t like, it was up to them to say something, or put their head down and accept it. Their choice. This is suppose to be training for real life, right?</p>
<p>I see two issues here. One is the daughter’s reaction, which I find understandable. The other is the teacher’s action, which I don’t understand. At the very least, it was unprofessional to make a comic remark about an absent student who “got sick because she kept making out with guys.” It shows a lack of judgment, a willingness to make a cheap, lame joke about someone who wasn’t there to respond. If he’s simply clueless, that’s bad enough; if he said it to curry favor with the class - yuck. </p>
<p>He’s an adult in a position of authority. She’s essentially at his mercy unless he is held accountable for his actions. If the principal backs up the teacher, it means that making cheap jokes at the expense of a student is considered professional behavior in that particular school. I’d say the student and her mom deserve to find out whether it is. Those who are suggesting that the daughter handle it are expecting her to demonstrate more adult behavior than the teacher showed, since he chose to make a crack while she was absent.</p>
<p>I’m all for letting kids solve their own problems but if it comes down to a dispute between an adult authority figure and a teen, the playing field seems tilted in favor of the adult. I’d say parental involvement is definitely justified unless the kid wants to handle it herself. In our high school, an irate email from mom will get immediate attention, while an unhappy student is shunted off to the GC, who will say, in essence, “Too bad.”</p>
<p>Not to minced words here, but when someone says:
<a href=“name”>quote</a> got sick because she kept making out with guys.
[/quote]
What does that mean?</p>
<p>I think it is ridiculous that parents expect a high school student to discuss this sort of thing with her teacher, who is a person of authority. This is completely different than talking about one’s grade. I bet you, most working moms posted here wouldn’t even have the guts to go up to their immediate manager to have this type of discussion. If YOU can’t help your kid in standing up for herself, how do you expect your daughter to do so? </p>
<p>Lets just imagine if it was an uncle who made such a remark about your daughter at a Thanksgiving dinner, would you be LOL - he was just joking and give him a pass?</p>
<p>This isn’t close to the worst thing I’ve heard of a teacher saying to a student but it’s wrong. School is essentially the workplace for kids, and it is for teachers, and this type of comment is inappropriate. I’ve heard of teachers discussing their sex lives, one who picks on ADHD kids saying they’re just lazy, and then there’s one known for lewdly flirting with boys and complaining how her husband just isn’t able to keep up with her. I don’t care if it’s the teacher of the year, it’s wrong.
I’m guessing this teacher is one who thinks of himself as one of the kids. Does your school have a counseling program? Not guidance but support counseling. If your daughter is that upset, I think this could serve both to give her coping strategies and to document any ongoing issues with this teacher.</p>
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<p>^^Hooray for oldfort! School is frequently a “hostile work environment” and we need to teach young women how to deal with it. I absolutely agree the teacher needs to be confronted. I also agree with oldfort’s description of how she would handle it directly with teacher. I think you have handled this beautifully OP. When women are strong and united, less of this goes on - imho.</p>
<p>edit: I think it is great the OP has created a paper trail.</p>
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I would think so! But I guess not, according to many posters on this thread.</p>
<p>If the d didn’t get a good response from the teacher, she could have gone to her guidance counselor. If she continued to be brushed-off, **then<a href=“and%20only%20then”>/b</a> should the helicopter have zoomed in. </p>
<p>What has the d learned? Only that the helicopter is in good working order.</p>
<p>CTTC: what I think (hope) the daughter has learned is that it is not okay to let people bully you. </p>
<p>In a workplace or school setting, it can be very hard to stand up to authority. You are at the mercy of those in power. I have definitely heard worse things than what the orchestra teacher said, but that doesn’t give him a pass in my book. This may be an isolated incident, a slip, a transgression–fine, then man up and apologize. If it’s a pattern of behavior, then it’s a different sort of problem affecting many other students. In either case, letting it go makes it seem like it is okay, and it’s really not.</p>
<p>I think a lot of teachers get into power-trip situations because everyone in their class is dependent on them for a grade, and thus no one feels able to speak out when it veers from good humor into hurtful, bullying comments. He is setting an example to the students, and the example is, when you are in power you can be an a** and get away with it.</p>
<p>This was very inappropriate behavior by the teacher. I wouldn’t expect a young student to deal with this him or herself. I’ve been on a school board and was told that starting with the offending teacher is the right step. If I remember correctly, then it is the principal, the school board and the superintendent. If I’m wrong, the principal will set you straight. This kind of thing is not funny, whatever the teacher might think.</p>
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Yes. And it’s going to continue to be hard to stand up to those in authority if someone else jumps in for the rescue.
I didn’t write to let it go. I wouldn’t discount so quickly the d’s ability to deal with it herself. I think the lesson learned was that her mother will swoop in and rescue her.</p>
<p>I have more than one child. In HS one child needed me to model the behavior of confronting authority figures first. The others just needed me to give them the words to use. I liked oldfort’s question as to what moms were comfortable calling workplace supervisor’s on inappropriate behavior. It really isn’t easy, even when your teenage years are long behind you.</p>
<p>I see the parent getting involved it as modeling behavior so that the daughter sees it is the right thing to do. It would have been very hard for me to take that on at that age. </p>
<p>I think that is how the teachers get away with misbehavior–the kids are usually afraid to take them on. They need those teachers for recommendations, grades, etc.</p>
<p>Even as a parent it can be hard to challenge bad teacher behavior, because you are worried that the teacher will find a way to take it out on your kid! For day-to-day, non-bullying situations, I agree–the student at this age can and should handle (ie, discussions regarding grades, academic situations, etc.)</p>
<p>The only time my kid had a problem with a hs teacher about a grade, I e-mailed the teacher, NOT at all to suggest the grade should be changed, which I would never do, but to say that my son wanted to do better in that class and maybe they could talk. The teacher e-mailed back and said she and my son could handle it and they did. I then told my son how easy it was to bring up an issue with a teacher by e-mail before meeting with him or her. I never had to make a contact with a teacher again.</p>
<p>I must say I’m surprised by comments on this thread that lean toward, “if he says this kind of thing often, it’s OK, because he isn’t just singling this one particular student out,” and “toughen up and turn the other cheek.” He’s setting the tone for how people are treated in his classroom.</p>
<p>For one thing, calling someone out on such inappropriate behavior is not wimpy and ignoring it and turning the other cheek is not being tough. I would argue that the opposite is true. Teaching a high school girl that the fact these kind of comments are SOMETIMES part of the real world means they should be ignored and tolerated is not the way to go here. Again, the opposite is true. The better lesson is that sometimes these kinds of things happen, and the bully should be called out on it. And yes, this is bullying, and it’s sad to see it coming from a teacher and not just kids that haven’t learned better yet.</p>
<p>I think the email the OP sent is fine. It probably would have been better to ask if the quote is accurate, but the overall tone is calm and communicative. She used a common phrase used to provide emphasis - “I can’t begin to describe…” It did cause distress, adn she communicated that. And whether or not the girl’s (and the mother’s) reaction was bigger than some people would have had, or even if it was too touchy (I’m not saying it was), that should not change the conversation about what the teacher said, the general tone he sets in his classroom regarding respect and dignity and safety, and how to deal with it. </p>
<p>The world isn’t perfect, but that doesn’t justify accepting its imperfections. </p>
<p>I will also say that I don’t think going to the principal or department head is unjustified or an overreaction. This teacher isn’t necessarily a lost cause - he very well might end up being a good teacher, and has a better chance of that if his professional mentors are aware of areas he needs to improve. </p>
<p>There isn’t just one correct way to handle this. Communication needs to happen. It can come from the daughter if she’s up to it, it can come from the mother, or from both of them together. It can start with talking to the teacher, or with talking to the principal or department head, or both of them. The communication should be clear and calm. The daughter can learn how to demand respect from those around her by dealing with this instance, or by watching her mom deal with it. Life’s a journey, kids are learning lessons on how to deal with it all the time, and them needing some help doesn’t end just because they’ve reached the ripe old age of 17.</p>