Parental advice on 20 yr old daughter?

I have posted briefly about our DD. We had some real issues with her and college and she managed to get into a PTA program, and I am thrilled. She “was” doing well.

One of the biggest issues we have had, was with her BF. She had told us he was 24, which we weren’t real comfortable with, but he seemed nice enough.

Not going into all details, but found out he is 33, a baby daddy, no steady job, and recently was in jail. DD, of course, blames everyone but him for all his troubles, and she “loves” him, and isn’t going to stop seeing him no matter what. We have had some huge arguments over some of this stuff.

While he was in prison, things settled down. I wasn’t happy about her visiting him, but was advised by some family members that she will choose him over us, so don’t push it. Since she was doing well in school and making friends, I was hoping things would cool down with him.

He just got out, and isn’t living too far from here. She sees him every night, and I think she is driving him to work at night, and picking him up in the morning before she goes to school. She uses my car, but we have it mainly for her to get to school, about 50 minutes away. She also uses it for work.

So she already racks up a lot of mileage, and we have told her not to be carting all her friends all over the place, and she is NOT to be taking him back and forth to work, She says she isn’t doing any of that, but DH keeps an eye on the mileage for oil changes, etc. and says she is definitely driving around a lot more than necessary. She has had a few fender benders already. In less than a year, she has really banged up what was a nice used car.

In the past 2 months, we have put in about $1800 in costs, some wear and tear, but mostly from the fender benders.

DH is at the point of taking the car off of her and only allowing her to take it to college. That’s it.

Would that be the concensus here? She is our first and it is hard to judge if we are treating her too much like a child or not. Some people have told me, we have no right to dictate her life, and we are being punitive by using the car as a way to control her.

That car was not cheap, and she needs it for at least another year of college, and then she will need it for clinicals. I also worry about her out driving in the bad weather. Giving her the car upon graduation was going to be our main college contribution for her.

Suggestions? Advice?

My gut instinct is do not use the car as a power play. Let her graduate from her college and then set her out on her own. Don’t make cosmetic repairs after fender benders. I would think of it as survival mode- just do what you have to do to get through this last year of college. The minimum goal you want to achieve is her getting some degree so she can have a job. After she finishes school (or if she quits) I would tell her that she needs to get another place to live. I agree the BF sounds like a loser but it looks like she will have to learn the hard way. Good luck to you. Try not to fight with your husband about all of this too much so your marriage survives this stress.

Ask yourself: would you be taking the car away if the boyfriend WASN’T in the picture? If she were ‘making friends’ and doing everything you want her to be doing in college? Since your daughter knows you disapprove of the boyfriend, and have told her in the past not to be driving him around – it seems like it would be a very reasonable conclusion on her part to assume you’re punishing her for the relationship by taking the car away. And that will only make her cling to him more.

This seems to be one of those “pick your battles” moments. Decide what’s worse: the boyfriend, or damage to the car.

Oh my. His being in prison will make it very hard for him to find a job. Your DD is young and idealistic. I would put my focus on her finishing school.

If you let your daughter keep the car, perhaps you should retitle it in her name now. And don’t pay for the repairs.

Your D is 20 years old…


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Not going into all details, but found out he is 33, a baby daddy, no steady job, and recently was in jail. DD, of course, blames everyone but him for all his troubles, and she "loves" him, and isn't going to stop seeing him no matter what. We have had some huge arguments over some of this stuff.

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I would be scared @#$%less.

I think you and your H should seek some professional help and guidance with this. Would your D agree to going to some family therapy (and to a GOOD therapist). There could be something missing/wrong that would make your D even be open to a relationship with this man. If she won’t go, then you and H should go…but first “interview” a few T’s to determine who would be best to deal with this.

I hope this doesn’t come off too harshly, because I don’t mean it to be. I think back to when I was in my early 20s, and I think many here can think back to that time, and many of us wouldn’t have even been open to starting a love relationship with this person.

There may be some reason that your D was open to such a relationship. What does he provide for her? Male attention that she wasn’t getting elsewhere? What?

Is she depressed? anxious? (as a parent, you may be too close to the situation to really see/know this).

I have to be honest with you, I would be throwing every dime I had to figure out away to get her away from him without causing anger or backlash.

Fantastic advise. I am totally with you Mom2. Talk to a therapist or counselor.
Also, see if you can start spending more time with her as a family- dinners out, lunch out, vacation- anything pleasant where she can relax and just be with you. It could help her open up or just feel comfortable you with, at home, away from him. DO NOT PICK FIGHTS. Tough one.

Such a scary situation, I hope you can find the professional help you need. Does your D have a solid, healthy network of friends? If so, is is possible to connect with some of them (if you know them from her high school years) to get their take on this new relationship?

This new man may be restricting her connection to friends, so it would be good to know that. It could be tricky to find out this info without alienating your D. Can you check her facebook page and see if communication with other friends has dwindled?

I agree that you should focus on building some positive moments with your D. Don’t speak of the man, find ways to interact with D casually with no questions, just fun times. And get professional help asap.

Are you sure of D’s commitment to finish school? Are there any signs of her grades slipping, missing classes, etc? Encouraging her to finish school will at least give her some amount of time during her week that she is not with the man.

Don’t want to be too harsh here, but you are telling us that your D already lied to you about this guy’s age and parental status. She is almost certainly lying about using the car to drive him around. So what else is she not telling you? How much lying are you going to tolerate? She does not sound very mature or trustworthy to me. My D is 17 and came to us for permission before she started seeing a 20 year old college dropout who is working at a Chipotle, lives in the city (we are in the suburbs) and has no idea what he wants to do with his life. He is now 21 and can drink and buy alcohol. We were not thrilled, but she was honest about his situation, and we have put some limits on her time with him which she has agreed to. She knows it’s a one-strike-and-you’re-out deal, if she sneaks out to meet up with him or ends up anywhere alone with him in private, the relationship will be over. So far it has gone okay and I don’t think it’s going to last, but we may change our stance if it looks like it is getting more serious. We must let our daughters know that their choice of partner is the most important one they will ever make, and if they need guidance to help make the right choice we will give it to them.

Your D is still a dependent if she is living with you and you are paying for her college and car insurance. I think you have a right to come down on her for lying to you and to be very firm about your concerns over this guy. He’s already impregnated one girl and done something bad enough to land in jail, you sure as hell don’t want your daughter to be the next one pregnant or a crime victim. I would calculate the mileage needed for her to get herself to school and tell her anything over that is going to result in confiscation of the car. Also you want to meet this guy and size him up, and tell him directly that if he messes up your daughter in any way, he will pay a heavy price including landing back in jail. If that embarrasses her, too bad. She has not proven she is ready to run her own life yet.

It’s also possible that she is in over her head with this guy and can’t figure out how to get herself away from him. You need to dig deeper to find that out and help her if she needs help. He may just be using her and manipulating her.

" My D is 17 and came to us for permission before she started seeing a 20 year old college dropout who is working at a Chipotle, lives in the city (we are in the suburbs) and has no idea what he wants to do with his life." This describes a lot of the young people I know! In fact it describes the boyfriend of one of my daughters, and he is a wonderful person who will someday figure things out.

I wonder if you could have the boyfriend over for dinner. Creating conflict over this can backfire. Make friends with him and maybe you will like him, or maybe the fact that you try to get along with him will change the attraction she feels.

You don’t say what he was in prison for. The age doesn’t both me per se. But the big picture with the lying does. Is it possible you could act like you are on board with her decisions so she won’t lie?

I would think the most concerning thing is that he was in prison. If she blames everyone else for his problems then she is getting that from him. Does he even regret whatever he did to end up in prison? Is it something that she could end up as his partner in crime if he does it again and she is around at the time?

I know many people think I’m too strict, but I say you are the parent and she’s living in your house and you still set the rules. You are clearly uncomfortable with this. Say no. No car, no money for gas, no, no, no. Your relatives are right, your daughter might choose the boyfriend over you. She’ll quickly learn that life as a 20 year old who wants to set her own rules and live her own life is very expensive. No car to get to school or work is no fun. Having to cook and clean for herself is no fun. Having to figure out how to do all the things you do for her (taxes, health care, dentist appointments) will be hard work. Plenty of 20 year old have moved out, but it’s difficult for most of them.

I don’t have these conversations with my kids in anger or desperation. We talk about them in the regular course of life. I did not like my daughter’s boyfriend (they lived on opposite coasts) but allowed him to visit when the two of them could afford it. I was polite to them, drove the around, even picked him up at the airport (80 miles round trip). I allowed her to go on vacation with him and his parents after her graduation. And I danced the Snoopy dance when he was particularly rude to me and she broke up with him upon her return (two weeks with the Clampets in an RV didn’t hurt my cause either, as my princess learned that wasn’t a lifestyle she was seeking). However, I did not break my rules during the two years from hell. No missing school for trips, no talking to him all night on the phone/skype/texts, no boys in the bedrooms (this was the rule for my other daughter and her boyfriend too). He wasn’t in prison (unless you consider a nice catholic school prison) and he was only 2 years older, but I was very clear about the rules, including the going to college rules - no visiting during the semester, no picking a college because it was near his (he whined about that a lot), no talking to him more than1 hour per day if she continued to date him when at college. I’d know because my kids are terrible liars, and because I pay the phone bill. Thankfully, the breakup Snoopy dance.

It is okay to continue to require her to live by your rules even if she is 20. She is legally an adult and can run her own life, but not in your house. Do not give her the power to make the rules in your house. It doesn’t matter that she’s 20 or 25 or 35; if she lives in your house and drives your car, you get to set the rules. If she wants a different lifestyle, she needs to pay for it. I think your husband is nice to let her use the car for college, but I’m really mean and I would not allow her to use the car if she is lying to you, and she is.

Mom2collegekids above has great advice.

I think you can check the clerk’s office of most court systems online and find out why he went to jail. You have to check each jurisdiction separately.

You probably work and have a life but if it were my daughter (a younger version of yours) I would take the car away for the lying and fender benders and drive her to/from school. But 50 miles is a bit much.

My daughter (15) had a boyfriend last year who is a mess. We did not specifically ban him but we made her life so busy he broke up with her for not being available.

You have my sympathy. This is not a simple situation. One thing to realize is that she is on your insurance and her poor driving may result in a lawsuit. It’s not normal to have several fender benders. I’d suspect drugs. Especially with such an unfocused man in her life. Good luck. Parenthood is not easy.

Towinandone, you went with the flow while controlling it. You allowed quite a lot so that it was not a war, and then in return were able to exert some control. That is what I was trying to suggest, versus a war.

My daughter had a boyfriend who was 4 years older and out of high school when she was 16. I didn’t interfere with her choice, but picked her up every night at 9:30. She may have known I would be stricter if she had protested that. I never had to state any conditions. She never had to lie.

Our relationship remained good, which, to me, is the most important thing in these situations. We cannot protect or help them if they have left, or if they are not speaking to us, or wish they didn’t have to.

So honoring autonomy to the extent possible, but insistence on safety.

It is important to find out why he was in prison, yes, but perhaps your daughter can tell you once trust is reestablished. Good people sometimes end up in bad places, so reserving judgment would help that conversation. However, if the info is alarming, you of course have every right to express that and even take action if need be.

I have a relative who was in a position similar to yours. She, too, had a daughter who started hanging around questionable characters when she was about 20. She’s now in her mid-30’s, never finished college, and has been in and out of county lock up more times than I can count. Too many more strikes and she’ll end up in prison. This situation is different than a teen/early 20-something dating a young man a couple of years older who you don’t care for because he’s rude, lazy, or whatever. I think your friends mean well, but I wouldn’t listen to them. This is a difficult position to be in and I agree with @mom2collegekids that you need to do something. Counseling is a good start.

Some random thoughts that I hope will be helpful:

Your problem isn’t as much with this man as it is with your daughter. She’s the one choosing to lie to you. Your taking action isn’t a power play, it’s about accountability.

I would be surprised if a 33-year-old ex-con is being driven around by his girlfriend. The boyfriends of my relative’s DD were also 10+ years older and spent a lot of time in and out of jail. They had no qualms about getting behind the wheel of a car whether they had a license or not. They were, however, too macho to be seen being driven around. You need to know who’s financially responsible if the next accident is more serious than a fender bender.

You can research people’s criminal record on your county website to see how many times they’ve been convicted and what the charges were. I think plea deals must be common because first time offenders seem to be convicted of lesser charges. I think this man either did something particularly egregious to be sent to prison his first time out or he’s a repeat offender. I’d look him up if you haven’t already.

My relative has spent years trying to help her DD. She’s paid for school and counseling, given her money, driven her around, bought her groceries, let her live with her when the current boyfriend kicked her out, and more. Even now she’s offering to let her move in for a year after she gets out of jail if she promises to straighten out. I understand her fear. She wants to know where her DD is and that she’s okay. But every other time she’s done that, her DD has looked her in the eye and lied about who she was seeing and what she was doing, so it’s anybody’s guess whether or not she’ll be telling the truth when she agrees to straighten out this time. I don’t think making her life easy gives her any motivation to change. And ultimately, the life she chooses is up to her.

You’re known by the company you keep, and once you get entrenched in a lifestyle like my relative’s DD, it’s extremely difficult to break free. She’s broken into her parent’s house to steal whatever could be resold and my relative is certain that other break-ins were committed by her DD’s associates. To extricate herself from that lifestyle, she would have to cut off all contact with her “friends.” So far, she seems unwilling, or unable, to do so.

I don’t know if my suggestions will help, but if she were my DD this is what I would do. I’d quit arguing about this man and make it all about her. I’d insist on counseling (family and individual if you can afford it). Try to remain calm in your discussions with her and leave him out of them. Her behavior is what matters. Although I wouldn’t go out of my way to mention him if I were you, I would make it clear if it comes up that he’s not allowed in my home. And that has more to do with her behavior than his record.

If you permit her to use the car for school, I’d make it off limits for anything else and make it clear (calmly) that it’s because she’s been dishonest with you. Do not let her drag this man into it because then you’re going to end up in an argument about him and you want the focus of conversations to be about her behavior. I wouldn’t put the car in her name because then you can’t limit her use of it.

Make her start contributing for upkeep/repairs and living expenses if she isn’t already. I’d drive her to work, if at all feasible, and let her pick up some overtime if she can handle it and college. Is there another way she can get to school? If not, unless I had younger children at home, a job that interfered, or really couldn’t manage the gas money, I’d drive her myself. Normally, I’d cut off all car privileges entirely but I understand you’ve had trouble getting your daughter into this program, so it may be best if she finishes. If she won’t play by your rules, though, I might revisit that. If she lives with you after graduation, I’d make her pay rent. The idea is to make it unattractive for this man to hang around. As long as he has access to free transportation and she has extra spending money, why would he go elsewhere?

Ask her what her plans are if she gets pregnant. This is a conversation I think all parents should have when their children start dating. Would she have it? If she did, would she keep it? Would she get married? If not, how would she pay for day care, diapers, all the baby paraphernalia, rent, etc. on her income? I’d draw up a list of typical expenses, subtract it from her current income, and give it to her.

Ultimately, how your daughter chooses to live her life is up to her. But how you live, and what you’ll support is up to you. Best of luck to all of you.

I don’t envy your situation at all. One of my best friends has a daughter who at 18 started dating a divorced guy who has a young daughter and is 15 years older than her. The stranger part in this whole deal is that my friend is encouraging the relationship. She thinks this guy is the cat’s meow when he is just using her daughter because he needs to be in a control situation with a girlfriend who tells him how great he is all the time. Guy has a job (nothing fabulous) but really should be in counseling as he is the poster child for megalomania. His Instagram and Facebook posts keep my college aged kids and their friends highly entertained.

The real question as above posters have asked is why is she in this relationship in the first place? My friend’s d is highly insecure and has never had any good friends. Obviously my friend has desperately taken the path of least resistance no matter how damaging it will be for her daughter. But fixing the hole in these kid’s buckets should be of utmost importance.
Extracting kids from bad relationships is a delicate matter. Odds are his one stint in prison won’t be his only one and he will be in again sooner than you think. That might be your best hope at this time and until then it might be hard to talk any sense into your daughter.

This is probably devils advocate here, but at least when he is AT work, he isn’t with her. So that is a good thing.

Do anything you can to make sure she is on birth control. He will hopefully move on, but a baby won’t.

Yes, makes sure that she’s on BC…and very good BC.

I have a friend of a friend who had to extract her 18yo D from a MUCH older, previously married no-job guy with kids. The girl was all ready to go away to college when suddenly she announced that she had met this guy (online?) and that they were going to marry and she wasn’t going to college. somehow/someway they got her away from him. I will see if I can find out.

Finishing the PTA program may be the best insurance against future disaster, but she needs to make sure to keep her own record clean.

I would be shocked if he isnt driving your car while she is at school and/or work.