I have a relative who was in a position similar to yours. She, too, had a daughter who started hanging around questionable characters when she was about 20. She’s now in her mid-30’s, never finished college, and has been in and out of county lock up more times than I can count. Too many more strikes and she’ll end up in prison. This situation is different than a teen/early 20-something dating a young man a couple of years older who you don’t care for because he’s rude, lazy, or whatever. I think your friends mean well, but I wouldn’t listen to them. This is a difficult position to be in and I agree with @mom2collegekids that you need to do something. Counseling is a good start.
Some random thoughts that I hope will be helpful:
Your problem isn’t as much with this man as it is with your daughter. She’s the one choosing to lie to you. Your taking action isn’t a power play, it’s about accountability.
I would be surprised if a 33-year-old ex-con is being driven around by his girlfriend. The boyfriends of my relative’s DD were also 10+ years older and spent a lot of time in and out of jail. They had no qualms about getting behind the wheel of a car whether they had a license or not. They were, however, too macho to be seen being driven around. You need to know who’s financially responsible if the next accident is more serious than a fender bender.
You can research people’s criminal record on your county website to see how many times they’ve been convicted and what the charges were. I think plea deals must be common because first time offenders seem to be convicted of lesser charges. I think this man either did something particularly egregious to be sent to prison his first time out or he’s a repeat offender. I’d look him up if you haven’t already.
My relative has spent years trying to help her DD. She’s paid for school and counseling, given her money, driven her around, bought her groceries, let her live with her when the current boyfriend kicked her out, and more. Even now she’s offering to let her move in for a year after she gets out of jail if she promises to straighten out. I understand her fear. She wants to know where her DD is and that she’s okay. But every other time she’s done that, her DD has looked her in the eye and lied about who she was seeing and what she was doing, so it’s anybody’s guess whether or not she’ll be telling the truth when she agrees to straighten out this time. I don’t think making her life easy gives her any motivation to change. And ultimately, the life she chooses is up to her.
You’re known by the company you keep, and once you get entrenched in a lifestyle like my relative’s DD, it’s extremely difficult to break free. She’s broken into her parent’s house to steal whatever could be resold and my relative is certain that other break-ins were committed by her DD’s associates. To extricate herself from that lifestyle, she would have to cut off all contact with her “friends.” So far, she seems unwilling, or unable, to do so.
I don’t know if my suggestions will help, but if she were my DD this is what I would do. I’d quit arguing about this man and make it all about her. I’d insist on counseling (family and individual if you can afford it). Try to remain calm in your discussions with her and leave him out of them. Her behavior is what matters. Although I wouldn’t go out of my way to mention him if I were you, I would make it clear if it comes up that he’s not allowed in my home. And that has more to do with her behavior than his record.
If you permit her to use the car for school, I’d make it off limits for anything else and make it clear (calmly) that it’s because she’s been dishonest with you. Do not let her drag this man into it because then you’re going to end up in an argument about him and you want the focus of conversations to be about her behavior. I wouldn’t put the car in her name because then you can’t limit her use of it.
Make her start contributing for upkeep/repairs and living expenses if she isn’t already. I’d drive her to work, if at all feasible, and let her pick up some overtime if she can handle it and college. Is there another way she can get to school? If not, unless I had younger children at home, a job that interfered, or really couldn’t manage the gas money, I’d drive her myself. Normally, I’d cut off all car privileges entirely but I understand you’ve had trouble getting your daughter into this program, so it may be best if she finishes. If she won’t play by your rules, though, I might revisit that. If she lives with you after graduation, I’d make her pay rent. The idea is to make it unattractive for this man to hang around. As long as he has access to free transportation and she has extra spending money, why would he go elsewhere?
Ask her what her plans are if she gets pregnant. This is a conversation I think all parents should have when their children start dating. Would she have it? If she did, would she keep it? Would she get married? If not, how would she pay for day care, diapers, all the baby paraphernalia, rent, etc. on her income? I’d draw up a list of typical expenses, subtract it from her current income, and give it to her.
Ultimately, how your daughter chooses to live her life is up to her. But how you live, and what you’ll support is up to you. Best of luck to all of you.