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oh wow…that is a good point!
and…if he commits a crime while using her car, I think the car is taken.
He is almost certainly driving the car. If he’s involved with drugs and he and your daughter are stopped for a traffic violation when there are drugs in the car, who do you imagine he’s going to say owns them?
The possibility of criminal activity is another good reason not to have this man in your house. My relative’s DD became an addict (not surprising considering the type of men she was dating). My relative wouldn’t allow her DD’s boyfriends at her house because she didn’t want it known as a drug house. Not only does it attract a bad element, it can put your house on the radar of officials. My relative didn’t want to risk being charged herself or losing her house because of the activity of her DD and her DD’s associates.
Have you logged onto FB to search for this man? You can get a wealth of information there.
I second the concerns raised by mom2collegekids in #5. Your D sounds a lot like my sister 40 years ago. I have known other young women in similar situations over the years. In every case, it was fairly obvious that they were trying to compensate for something else going wrong in their lives. For some, it was a negative body image. In my sister’s case, it was an emotionally-abusive stepfather (my dad). I am sure that there are cases where a kid is simply predisposed to self-destructive behavior.
But before taking any punitive measure, I would figure out if some underlying problem can be identified and (hopefully) addressed – maybe through introspection, maybe through counseling – even if that means seeing a therapist on your own.
To clarify some of my points in post #14:
I wouldn’t allow your DD to drive your car as long as she’s dating this man. If he’s unlicensed and gets into a serious accident, could you be liable for allowing an unlicensed person to use your car?
Check out his criminal record. I think it’s extremely unlikely that a 33-year-old man got caught the first time he did something. If it was his first offense, it must have been a very serious one to warrant time in prison.
Don’t give her cash. My relative’s DD always seemed to need extra cash for “unexpected” expenses – school books, fees, gas, a “lost” phone, etc. – and she seemed to “lose” or “break” her phone a LOT. What she really needed it for was drugs and to support her boyfriend.
If you have younger children, don’t allow them to go anywhere alone with her. You really have no idea where she’s going, what she’s doing, and with whom. My relative’s DD has called her more than once because a boyfriend got mad and left her somewhere.
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all true!
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He is almost certainly driving the car. If he's involved with drugs and he and your daughter are stopped for a traffic violation when there are drugs in the car, who do you imagine he's going to say owns them?
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And, I think that in many states, the car is req’d to be impounded when drugs are found.
Seriously, I would do anything I could to save my D from this situation. My H, on the other hand, would likely do a rather up-close-and-personal-violation-of-personal-space “stay away from my D” meeting with that guy that would certainly change his interest in DD pronto.
Agree with mom2collegekids. How I would handle a situation like this and how DH would “handle” it would probably be VERY different.
I would take the car away. If you can’t find the way to do that, then I would put a secret GPS on the car so you can see where she really is going. This is your car, and your liability. My children knew that if anyone but our child drove our car, that the car was taken away.
This may sound minor, but was he in jail or prison? They aren’t the same. If it was prison, is he on parole? And for what? That might influence my thoughts, though only slightly. You are the parent. Set the rules. She is an adult but acting like a child and lying to you.That is not ok in my book when you are paying her bills.
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but found out he is 33, a baby daddy, no steady job, and recently was in jail.
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Where does he live ? How does he pay rent and buy food? If the offense was a drug offense, I don’t think he can get food stamps, but I’m not sure.
I would take away the car to make sure that he’s not driving it.
If he has no place to live, then she can’t move in with him.
You guys make a lot of assumptions about whether he was ever ‘caught’ before (lots of people are really bad thieves, drunks, drivers, and they do get caught on the first offense). However, the guy is not OP’s problem. She needs to say no to her daughter. No car, no money, no staying out late, no tuition if she isn’t finishing her degree. No.
Once my kids turned 18, I realized that there was very little in their lives that I could control (not that I really tried that much when they were under 18). We made a deal that we (H and I) would pay their college expenses as long as they maintained their grades and kept their scholarships. I cannot control who they date. I have not been thrilled with some of the men that my S has dated, but I have kept my mouth shut. Eventually, they go. (I do like the current BF so I’m Ok if he sticks around for a while :))
As far as the car goes, the only reason that I would take a car away from an adult child is if I knew that they were drinking and driving. But, they have to pay for gas and insurance.
I’d take back the car where it is clear that the D is NOT following the rules and having a LOT of accidents. The owner of the car is on the hook for the accidents and the next one might be serious. I’d drive the D wherever she needed to go–work or school. I’d pay directly for the things D needs–tuition and medical bills. I’d make sure she gets reilable birth control, like an IUD or implant or something similar that doesn’t require remembering to take it. I’d charge D for living with you & whatever else, so she has very little extra money for this male to sponge off.
I’d really look for a good therapist to help D and your family figure out why she’s spending time with this male and “loves” him. That is really the big issue, because if it’s not him, it may be someone as bad or worse down the line.
I’d get counseling for myself & spouse to figure out how to best handle this situation, as it’s fraught with stress and important for you to be on the same page.
Maybe pick up a copy of Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lived by L. Schlessenger
I think your daughter will see herself in this book if she’s willing to be honest with herself.
Lots of good advice already given here. I will add my couple of pennies. Has she had a full GYN exam recently? If not, she needs one. I would insist on her getting a full panel of diagnostic tests. For example, HPV viruses are very commonplace and very easily transmitted. I would not be surprised if the guy is seeing other women, so she could be at risk. If she tests positive for some HPV types, she needs to be monitored for pre-cancerous changes in her cervical cells. With proper monitoring, her chances of developing cervical cancer can be minimized. And she needs reliable birth control; daily pills are not a good choice in her situation.
DD is paying for college through grants and loans. Our biggest contribution is the car to get to school. It is in the middle of nowhere, and due to those teaching it, she has to drive there 5 days a week. Plus, she stays after class to use the “lab” and practice. There is no bus service there, and I can’t drive back and forth with her everyday.
One of the biggest issues is that she doesn’t spend a lot of time with us, but between college and working a lot, mostly on holidays, she can’t. We don’t have money for vacations, I wish we did, as i think they are good ways to connect and build connections; having fun and no daily life hassels.
I wish we could have sent her away to college. Most of her “good” friends went away to college and the kids she started hanging with around here are going nowhere fast.
The BF was jailed, local, due to a confrontation with his ex, over their kid. She pressed charges. Looked up his ex and she is a disaster as well. So that was clearly a toxic relationship.
My DD is a strong, confident, beautiful young woman. She had numerous leadership EC’s, and I was always blown away at her level of comfort with the things she did. She is not shy nor introverted. she was the only white girl on the HS step team. She has lots of friends, but with them being away at college, those friendships are probably going to slip away.
She was very upset and angry that we couldn’t afford for her to go away to college. But, she didn’t have high enough stats in HS for that to be possible. DS is getting full tuition at a few schools, and even then we are going to have a hard time paying the balances.
Also, DD has repeatedly pointed out that if she were away at school, we would have no clue what she was doing. As she has to get drug tested for this program, I know she isn’t on drugs.
AND, many of her friends who are away have gotten into the drinking and partying, and doing lots of things their parents wouldn’t be happy about, yet they are able to, because they don’t live at home and the parents have no clue.
So, at times, I think she is being very childish and immature, yet also has a lot of financial responsibilites that her friends don’t have, and I think that bothers her as well.
So far, she is doing very well in college. Four students, older and with healthcare experience, didn’t move on to the spring semester. She had a 3.2 in a very difficult and fast moving program. But, the BF was in jail that first semester.
I really want her to graduate and be able to support herself.
“I really want her to graduate and be able to support herself.”
This. Make sure that your daughter knows that your concern about the boyfriend has less to do with him and his character flaws than the fact that you love her and want her to be able to take care of herself and have the ability to be independent. Your concern is that she will be distracted from her goals.
Except for lying about his age, I’m not sure I see what she has done wrong yet, exactly. It seems that you are mostly afraid of what might happen, not so much anything you know already has happened. It’s obvious that you and your DH don’t trust her and probably have good reason for that, and it no doubt comes through in your relationship, which would make her resentful. You suspect she’s driving him to work, but she says no and you really have no proof otherwise. Her grades are good and she’s still working hard, yes? So it’s speculation and fear at this point, it seems.
Are she and her dad on good terms? Are they close? Do you think she could be looking for approval/validation with this older man she is missing at home? Just something to think about, although I may be off base.
From the little I can discern from your few posts, I would suggest that you and your Dh not take the car away at this time. What I would do instead is make four conditions to continue free use of it. 1) She pays for the next car repair if she is at fault in a fender bender. 2) She does not drive anyone else anywhere, period. 3) She maintains her good standing in school and progresses toward graduation, and 4) of course, she follows all driving laws of the road. Let her know that you hope to give her the car for graduation, but that you are still the current owners and responsible party if anything should happen while she is driving your car. You are trusting her to use the car responsibly and in the manner of your agreement. Make that very clear.
Do not bring the boyfriend up or talk about him in this conversation, as it really isn’t about him.
Keep the goal in mind. As much as we would like to have a say in our kids’ relationships, once they are adults, we really don’t.
“The BF was jailed, local, due to a confrontation with his ex, over their kid. She pressed charges.”
They wouldn’t have jailed him if he hadn’t done something. I would be concerned that if your DD upsets him he might do something to her. Domestic Violence can turn ugly really quickly. I would make sure your DD knows that if he ever does anything to hurt her she can come to you for help.
Not excusing him for losing his temper, but from what I have been able to discern from stuff we have found on line, I wouldn’t put it past her to intitiate the confrontations.
She presently seems to be pitting her adoptive mother against her birth mother, and posts everything on her facebook page.
And yes, I have told her about not putting up with any kind of abuse from any BF, and she can always come home if it ever happens.
It sounds like she is studying nursing? when you spoke about clinicals. Anything health care related, one has to have a squeaky clean record. To renew one’s license. If issues come up, having license revoked or suspended, or if one has to work under supervision (who is going to hire you with that???)
When you lie with dogs, you get flees.
A long term marriage takes a lot of commitment from both parties. There is too much transitional and growing/changes. She is young and has her whole life ahead of her. She doesn’t want to give up her young, fun times and opportunities. She cannot ‘fix’ him. She has enough on her plate w/o having his baggage.
Ask her to seek out the free resources on campus to learn as much as she can about how ‘healthy’ this relationship is - talk to a counselor about how she ‘loves this man, despite all his problems’… Most schools have some kind of resources, free counseling. She may not believe she has a problem, but she is playing with fire, and he has accelerants all around him! And she is going to be burned. He is charming to her now. She should really have a very frank talk with his ex if she wants to really know the truth from the other side. I’m sure he was charming to her too at one time.
I have a friend whose daughter was very vulnerable due to her dad’s death at her very early age, and her mom with terminal cancer. She had a bf who took total advantage of her and even gave her a promise/engagement ring; she got pregnant and he totally abandoned her. She is under 20. Having a child is changing her whole life.
You do not want to see your DD dragged down by this guy.
Why are the alarm bells not ringing with your DD?
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But, the BF was in jail that first semester.
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Ok, I admit that I don’t know much about such things, but if this were just some rather minor issue between him and his ex-wife, WHY would he be in jail for that long? I would have thought he would have been released until trial or something. Or if this was first offense, probation would have been given.
Seems to me that there is a LOT more than what you’ve been told if he was in jail for that long.