Parental Favoritism—do you do it?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’ve always had a feeling that my parents favored my brother more. When I came of school age, I was sent to public school. When it came my brother’s turn, they sent him to an expensive private school. There, they taught math at a much faster pace than my own school. I remember working on homework and seeing that his math problems were similar to mine even though there was a 3 year age difference between us, and thinking it was unfair that he was getting a superior education. Then my parents found out they couldn’t keep paying for his private school tuition, and I overheard my parents talking to a family friend, who said “Oh, don’t send him to public school, the children there are no good.” I thought to myself, if they are so fearful of sending my brother to public school, then why have they never considered that for me? He ended up transferring to a cheaper private school for a few more years.</p>

<p>There have been some smaller things such as my parents taking my brother to palm readings and other mystic garbage asking a psychic if he was destined for greatness or something. I was never the one who was being read, I just tagged along. Not that I would care if a psychic thought I was great or not, but still.</p>

<p>People may say from reading this, “Oh, maybe he was seen as gifted from a young age and that’s why your parents wanted to send him to private school.” I don’t think that is true. I do not think he is particularly smart. He is better than me at math, which I attribute to his early exposure to math, but he cannot hold an intelligent conversation and has no opinions on anything other than being homophobic and slightly misogynistic (similar view to my parents, I might add). My brother now goes to the same magnet public school as I do. My former teachers get excited that they will be teaching my younger brother, and then when they get to know him, tell me “Your brother isn’t as focused on academics as you are.” He is a troublemaker and complains about my old teachers talking about me to him all the time, like how one time he was allowed to put me down as a valid source for the bibliography in a paper he wrote. </p>

<p>I still sense the favoritism sometimes. My brother has told me before, “Mom and Dad say I’m smarter than you are,” and when I ask my parents about it, they say they said it because he needs the motivation. My mom is always saying things like, “Oh, he likes computers, maybe he can become a radiologist! He’s very talkative, maybe he can be a lawyer!” while once in an argument with me my mom has said, “One of my ambitions in life for you is for you to become a good wife!” I’m sick of this bias, and while I do feel my parents care for me, I can’t ignore the fact that it feels like they want my brother to have more opportunities than me. So, I’m wondering, as parents, do you like one child more than the other? Do you show it?</p>

2

<p>Personally, no. We made a conscious effort not to. We took pains to avoid any comparisons between older son who was deemed both academically and musically “gifted”, and our d, about two and a half years younger.</p>

<p>Both were strong students, and while she was classified as “academically gifted” about a year to two age wise after son was so proclaimed, both were strong students academically.</p>

<p>But they were different kids. Son has almost a photograph memory, an amazing retention, and an exceptionally fast reader with the ability to file and store facts mentally. D had to actually study for her grades, and would always claim that it came so much easier for her brother. Actually, they ended up with remarkably similar stats scholastically, with the same level coursework.</p>

<p>We had the benefit of being a bit able to steer clear of the teachers within the public system that were known to draw comparisons. If we became aware of comparisons being drawn, we did our best to shut these down as quickly as possible, at one point insisting on a teacher change at the middle school level.</p>

<p>Musically, both were talented, but son was far ahead of the curve. D refused to even entertain an advanced pursuit, even though she possessed an above average talent. She simply refused to be compared with her brother, or sit in his shadow. D was far superior in athletic ability, whereas son had neither the interest or skill level.</p>

<p>My mother made comparisons all the time between the two. I had to shut her down constantly. It went so far as she wanted to establish a college fund in my son’s name, ignoring my d and my brother’s three kids, all d’s. As the first born male grandchild, in her mind he deserved it all. I can’t explain it culturally, or otherwise, as my 'rents never drew comparison between myself and my brother. We refused to accept the gift and told her outright if she did establish it, it would distributed equally to all five. My father finally talked sense into her and insisted it be divided equally between the five grandchildren.</p>

3

<p>Probably…I have an identical twin and a brother 15 months older. My parents always went nuts try to make sure everything was even between us. Think counting Christmas presents.<br>
I have a boy and a girl. One day the boy told me that he thought I was favoring his sister. I stopped the car and told him that I loved them both equally but I was not going to turn myself inside and out on a daily basis to prove it to either one of them. They were just going to have to take my word for it.<br>
I try to treat them both equally and make the same rules, etc. I probably am harder on my son. I don’t make verbal comparisons or anything like that though. And I try not to treat them differently. I think part of it was that I was raised to believe that girls are different than boys and they are treated somewhat differently.
I am not saying it is right or ideal, just being honest about where I am.
That said, you sound like a smart kid. Put this thread of thought behind you and go out and live your own life.</p>

4

<p>Last week Oprah featured a young lady who was living with her mom on the streets in the the slums of her city. “Skid row” as she called it. She talked about how in third grade her teacher told her she could not move on to fourth grade without knowing her times tables. This was her “ah-ha” moment as she realized she alone was in control of her education. She made the library her friend and second home and surrounded herself with all that the library offered. She is now a freshman at Harvard…fully funded of course.</p>

<p>Pretty cool, huh.</p>

<p><a href=“Celebrity News | Entertainment News | Hollywood Gossip | TMZ”>Celebrity News | Entertainment News | Hollywood Gossip | TMZ;

5

<p>My father especially treated his 2 sons differently than his 5 daughters. It was annoying but in the long run, it hurt the 2 boys to receive that special treatment. Of the 7 kids, the females all received some type of advanced degree while the males didn’t make it through even one year of college. The older brother finally got his life together at the age of 40 and the younger managed to grow up when he joined the military.</p>

6

<p>My Dad is pretty old school and my mother was a hippie. Talk about mixed messages. :eek: But, you know, in the end it all worked out just fine. It can be frustrating to feel as if you are getting “less” but I noted from your info that you are already in college. From here on out it’s up to you. If you study hard and do well, you will be offered all sorts of opportunities just based only on ability and the same will be true for your brother. So, now it’s just up to you. Your parents love you. People just get wierd things stuck in thier head sometimes.</p>

7

<p>The idea of taking a kid to a psychic/palm reader seems strange to me, and makes me wonder what your ethnic background is. Since your mom said she wants you to be “a good wife,” perhaps your parents (could be their culture/ethnic background) favor more traditional roles for women–therefore, they are more worried about your brother’s career potential/education than yours–and are more willing to invest more in it.</p>

<p>Jealousy can only hurt you. Don’t let your brother yank your chain. Your situation may not be ideal, but try to make the most of the opportunities and talents your have. Show them you can succeed.</p>

<p>H and I are both from large families, and we have 7 kids ourselves. Obviously there has been plenty of opportunity for unequal treatment (especially as we were growing up, since H and I each had a severely handicapped sibling–whose needs took 90% of our parents attention, leaving 6 “normal” siblings to fend for themselves. . .) Although all of our children are healthy, they each have different abilities, needs, personalities. When they ask me which kid is my “favorite,”–well, each one is my favorite for a different reason. One thing I’ve noticed-- growing up, and with my own family–is that just like with friends (or classmates, neighbors, co-workers, etc.) different personalities in a family will “click” and others won’t. So a parent may have a closer relationship with a kid who has a personality similar to his/hers. You might feel like you “understand” that kid better because he/she thinks like you do–but that doesn’t mean you love the other kids (ones with your spouse’s personality!) less. Some kids are easygoing and naturally charming. Others are born with bad tempers and are harder to love–but we don’t love them any less.</p>

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<p>Honestly, I think my parents used to favor my sister. They thought she was smarter than me. They sent her to private schools, I always went to public. They don’t think so anymore. She goes to a public school now. Until about 8th grade, at any point I was at very best an average student, usually substantially worse, my sister usually regarded as fairly smart, so I understand why they thought she was smarter. Similarly I have some reason to attribute that to. We moved very frequently during the times I was in early elementary school, I spent a lot of time out of school during the school year as we hadn’t gotten situated in yet. How they acted towards either of us showed the same sort of favoritism. While I was younger, I thought it was nice, but they never bothered me about my grades ever. I did bad in school, it was because I am stupid. They always bothered her about her grades. They always encouraged her to read more, to learn something outside of school, never once bothered me about anything like that. </p>

<p>I don’t think they favored her because they wanted a girl more than a boy or anything like that, they just thought she was smarter than me. I think they have seen they are wrong by now though.</p>

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<p>@sax:</p>

<p>Thanks for commenting, but I don’t know what that has to do with my situation?</p>

10

<p>I hate when people compare kids and am always surprised that professional educators don’t ‘get’ how painful that can be.</p>

<p>I have one DD who is an average athlete with no real interest in sports, yet coordinated enough to be on a JV & varsity team in a small school; I have one who was good enough to be a starter, but not outstanding, but very intense and competitive; then I have one who has played her sport for the USA team and was a star at all sports. We never played the comparison game, but it was amazing the teachers and students who did. </p>

<p>Luckily, it was the one who did not care about sports who followed behind the athlete. She is very secure in herself, but got sick to death of constantly hearing how amazing her sister was- like, 'sure, you think she is an amazing athlete, but she is still my sister who borrows my clothes without asking or eats the last cookie or whatever sister-bicker thing would go on in normal life" People who are the family of an amazingly talented person don’t go around hero worshiping them all day, or shouldn’t and it makes the siblings crazy.</p>

<p>That being said, I also see that different personalities click better. I have one kid who has pushed my DH’s buttons since she was a toddler, whereas she & I totally click and do things the same way (hmmmmmm, does this mean I drive him crazy too?!) and understand each other. I have another kid who can drive me crazy way faster than one would think, but with whom my DH clicks wonderfully. Neither is a favourite, but there is a certain level of being comfortable together.</p>

<p>In reading your post, if you are a girl, then it sounds like a cultural need to push all the educational advantages on the male who must support a family and not anything personal directed at you. Not that it hurts any less.</p>

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<p>I see this as a cultural thing of treating boy differently than girl, not whether your parents favor your brother over you.</p>

<p>We are only human, we may love them equally, but we may have more connection with one than others. D1 is emotionally more than connected with me, and D2 is more with H. They are different people. We wouldn’t offer them with different opportunities. At the same time D1 had no interest in playing violin and D2 did, so we paid for lesson for D2. D1 wanted a big sweet 16 party, so I just assumed D2 would want one too. D2 told me otherwise, so she is going to get one that’s more low key. Sometimes, unknowingly we do treat one better than another, but I think no matter what most parents love their kids equally.</p>

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<p>That still sounds like favoritism. Certain cultures prize males over females, so they think males should deserve some things that females don’t. In this case, my brother is favored because he is a boy. I get criticized for having too much ambition.</p>

<p>So you’re right that it’s a cultural thing for boys and girls to be treated differently. Differently, but not necessarily equally.</p>

13

<p>Growing up as a child, I experience favoritism and its opposite. My parents both have PhDs and both were/are very smart. Work life was focused around my father and my mother didn’t reenter the work force until the last kid went to college. My mother felt that the world was a sexist place and gave lots of preference to the two girls: the guys were supposed to help the girls with stuff but never the reverse. On the other hand, I was the oldest boy in the extended Jewish family and the expectations on me were quite high. I met them all until I decided not to continue as a professor at Harvard and to do something more interesting (and lucrative). My wife’s family had career aspirations only for the son and not for the daughters.</p>

<p>In my family, my kids are different both are rather bright, but one has fought through to become an academic whiz despite severe learning disabilities. The other, with less severe LD’s (which we didn’t really notice as well) is good academically but does not have the big picture, synthetic intellectual style or the drive of the other (who used to say, “What can I do to get the teacher to give me 105 out of 100?”). She is typically anxious. She has skills and strengths that her older sibling does not.</p>

<p>So, I try to help each with what I think is best for them given who they are – I don’t try to get one kid to be the other.</p>

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<p>Who knows, maybe your brother feels you are favored because less demand is put on you. He may feel a lot of pressure from your parents.</p>

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<p>I’m not so sure about that. My parents use the reward system to get him to do things instead of just saying “You MUST achieve this and this” and so they promise to buy him gaming systems and ATVs and such provided he does certain things they want him to do. They don’t use that on me because I’m not that materialistic. :P</p>

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<p>Just wondering – are you Asian? This sounds (stereotypically) like an Asian family, focusing on the boy and hoping he’ll become a doctor.</p>

17

<p>So take all your anger/hurt/low self esteem and use it as motivation to become more wildly successful than your brother despite your brother’s privileged upbringing. Stop looking to your family for affirmation of your self worth.</p>

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<p>we do not favor but we certainly do not treat our kids the same … before I had kids I expected to try to treat them the same because that would be fair … but after having kids things were not so clear. One example, one child was given some privaledges sooner than our other children … because that child showed more responsibility than the others. I believe we try to provide equal opportunity to all our kids … however thay are all quite different … with different strenghts, weaknesses, and rates of growth … and our parenting reflects those differences. I’m sure in our kids eyes they see some of differenciation as favoring one kid over the other … hopefully over time they see it as our response to their own actions and attitudes.</p>

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<p>I’m with 3togo - we treat them differently because they are all different. Many cultures favor sons - my mom is from Ireland, and while my family was all girls, I saw my cousins where the differing treatment of sons/daughters was striking.</p>

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<p>My mother favored my brothers over my sister and myself for the same reason: cultural bias. And this is an old, WASPY, English-origin family. My brothers went to private schools, and I and my sister did not, even though I was the hard-working student in the family.This favoritism also shows itself now that we are much older and have families:for instance, my brothers and their families go on a cruise every single March with my mother, all expenses paid, and I and my family have never been invited.</p>

<p>It took me a long time but I finally stopped trying to gain entry to this chosen group. Whether for cultural reasons, or due to family pathology, or a mixture of both, it is important to find a way to get out of the endless and hopeless maze that never leads to equal approval, and, perhaps even love, from parents who favor “the boys.”</p>

<p>The more important question that women like us are left with is finding our identity and purpose amidst the role confusion that a background like this can leave. I actually chose not to pursue a serious career, once I had children. I would have hated to confirm the bias of my mother, so luckily, I made this decision long after I had freed myself from her vision of me, and also after I had had enough years of a career to feel free to choose.</p>

<p>It hurts now, but now that you are out of the home, do as lots of others have advised. Make your own path and find ways to validate yourself, rather than depend on your parents for your feelings of self-owrth. Not easy to do, and it can take quite awhile, but you will do it.</p>

<p>It is apparent from the respect of your teachers that you have already been doing a great job. Just make sure you continue to do a great job for the right reasons: not to win your parents, but to help yourself be the best you can be, for yourself, and for any contributions you can make in your life.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>