<p>This question really made me pause. I am not sure how to answer. I never expected to be a parent- it just wasn’t something I wanted to do. However, when my daughter was born, I quit my job and stayed home for 6 years with her and her younger brother. I made HUGE parenting mistakes, as did my husband. We, in many ways, wrote the book on how NOT to do things. We were bad at enforcing consequences, I lost my temper a lot and H was too passive…onandon. Our kids have had their struggles, and no one is particularly surprised at WildChild’s escapades given that he is MY son! I was as difficult as they come, while still being a high-achiever. At this moment in time, I have to say I am pleased with my young adult children, even though I am not at all sure I can say this is what I “envisioned”.</p>
<p>I have a daughter who is a superstar in many ways. She has been an academic and artistic success and is a Postulant for the Episcopal priesthood. She is marrying a wonderful young man a month from tomorrow and has a great relationship with her parents (that would be me and my husband!). It has not been an entirely smooth path, with some tough emotional issues in the mid-teens. WildChild is as smart and talented as I could have ever imagined, but I could have done without 21 years of drama (and it continues). I wouldn’t describe him as a nice, thoughtful person, but I’m hoping that will come with time. I’ve seen many positive changes and even a learning curve amongst the “situations”. The final chapter is nowhere near written.</p>
<p>I didn’t really have a picture of what my kids would turn into. But one thing that has surprised me, is how some aspects of their personality seemed ingrained from day one, in other respects they’ve changed completely. My older son was insatiably curious from day one. He tracked the lights in the halls, when the books said he shouldn’t be able to. He taught himself to read at two because he hated secrets. But he was also the kid who sat on the nursery school director’s lap and belted out verses of his favorite song (Skip to my Lou). He was incredibly outgoing at three - that kid is completely gone. But the intellectual curiosity remains. Younger son was the baby who never slept. He still doesn’t. He was also interested in the world, but clearly there were some glitches in his wiring. He didn’t teach himself to read, he couldn’t remember how to work the VCR. He talked incessantly, but was very hard to understand because he made so many substitutions. He still has some glitches, but thankfully has far fewer problems than it seemed like he might have.</p>
<p>I expected my children to be more like myself.</p>
<p>This has not turned out to be the case. As just one example, I love to read, always read to my kids when they were small, and neither is especially inclined to ever pick up a book.</p>
<p>My older daughter especially is very different, starting with the fact that we look nothing alike.</p>
<p>In most respects, my children are as I imagined – smart, funny, sweet. My older child is not as I expected personality-wise because he had the audacity to have his father’s temperment. My younger child is like me, more than I’d like! </p>
<p>It’s a relief in a way to know that there is more nature involved than I first thought so I can claim, “Wasn’t me!”</p>
<p>Not at all. I had thought that I would be more in tune with them than my parents were with my siblings and me since I had more experience in their “world”. It turned out that I might as well have come from another country. They are sooo different from my husband and me.</p>
<p>How true! Aren’t we all still works in progress? At what point do we “know” how someone turned out? </p>
<p>As for my own S (only child), the one desire for him that I remember consciously voicing before he was born was, besides being healthy (he was), that he would not be a passive child but would be active and alert (he DEFINITELY was); he also has Aspergers, sensory issues, perfectionist and OCD tendencies, difficulties controlling his temper…both he and I have faced several challenges during the past 20 years that I NEVER envisioned. Ok, so he is not perfect. But then, THAT was not something I never envisioned either!</p>
<p>I have one married & in grad school, one graduating from college this weekend (and has a job), one in college with 2 more years in which he can mess up and flunk out, and one in HS doing so far so good but not sure what he will do with his life.</p>
<p>I guess two of them have “turned out” and two are still in process. It is fascinating to see what they are becoming, however. Their interests & talents all exist in the family somewhere–art, music, a good sense of rhythm or the lack of it, engineering propensity, number skills–but each one has them in different degrees. And they are all nice people, which is also important to me.</p>
<p>Also interesting is how their LOOKS have changed. The blonde kindergartener now has wild, dark curly locks! The babyface boy now has a dark beard. Boys change more than girls, of course, but I am always amazed with what my family looks like now. (Who are you and what have you done with my son?) :D</p>
<p>My son is everything I could have hoped for, and I agree with others here–I’d like to take credit, but the credit is really his. I was hoping for a kind and caring person and he is that. He is also the very curious learner I always knew he was but most of his teachers didn’t recognize, at least until HS. That’s where I do give myself a little credit, for always believing in him and standing by him and advocating for him. He can take care of himself now, for the most part, and for that I am grateful too.</p>
<p>In as much as I expected them to be like H and me, they’ve surpassed us on most counts. That’s pleasing.</p>
<p>Unfairly, I apply my 40-something gauge to their young accomplishments and ambitions. That’s probably really annoying and I should get a grip, LOL. They still manage to measure above my surreal expectations. At all ages, they’ve had better friends, better academics, better athleticism, better memories and so on.</p>
<p>The flaws I imparted are especially bothersome–to me. Would that I had known I was imparting flaws!</p>
<p>Yes, what’s with the hair? Mathson had loopy light brown hair as a toddler, medium brown straight hair in elementary school and now its a boingy geek-fro. Meanwhile younger brother’s straight hair is kind of sweetly wavy now that it’s shoulder length.</p>
<p>I hear you on the flaws. Both kids clearly get them from their parents or grandparents.</p>
<p>Great question! And wonderful response binx et.al. I vividly recall being a new parent when a neighbor told me that her third child flourished under her “benign neglect” whereas the first lived under a magnifying glass.</p>
<p>Jury is still out. So far, doing very well.</p>
<p>I am still annoyed to see the traits i like least in myself and H, pop up in my kids. Although I understand how genetics work, it surprises me. I especially hate to see them make the same mistakes that I did at their age…</p>
<p>KC, that’s the most annoying thing – to see in them the things you don’t like in yourself. I mean, they come by it honestly. But still, it’s irritating!</p>
<p>Karen, so true, so true! I can be simply furious at one of the kids for being a certain way, and then realise that the reason its making me so mad is because its a quality I dislike in myself. errr.</p>