<p>Hi everyone! I have been lurking around CC for years, and have learned a great deal. I am now hoping some of you can help me with a concern I have involving my 16 yr old (junior in high school) daughter.</p>
<p>She has been dating the same kid for about 9 months. Nice boy; kind and attentive to our daughter but he is 16 yr old hormone driven kid. This past weekend was the Fall Ball; a prom like dance. Our daughter was attending an all girls sleepover after the dance. When I went to pick her up in the morning, the Mom who hosted the sleepover stated the girls were up all night, because the boys “showed up” at 3 AM and she allowed them to stay. I told her this was NOT ok with me and I was upset she allowed this to go on. She said she was sorry and in retrospect, perhaps it was a poor decision on her part.
My husband is furious and wants to call the parents of the boy who is dating our daughter. He cannot believe this boy drove (illegally) at 3AM and spent the night with our daughter and the other kids. I do believe his parents have a right to know what happened but I also know he will be grounded and ultimately our daughter will take the blame for my husband’s actions.
I am trying to do the right thing here. Should we get involved with his parents or just talk directly to the BF? Thanks for your help!</p>
<p>I am of the opinion that it is never a “bad” thing for a young man to know that a young woman’s parents are interested and involved in what is going on.</p>
<p>OTOH, your daughter should have called you to come and get her.</p>
<p>You can’t hold everyone BUT your daughter responsible for breaking your rules. The only person you can hold responsible is your daughter. She needs to know that you can either trust her or you can’t. Because you cannot go around teen proofing the world for her. SHE is the one who you can hold accountable, not him. As for the other parents? I’d just make sure you are up front in the future and make sure the entire group is “on the same page.”</p>
<p>Hopefully the first person you spoke with is your daughter. She is the one who is responsible for staying in a situation of which she knew you would not approve. You can blame the Mom for allowing the boys to stay. You can blame the boy for opting to stay. You can blame his parents for not knowing what their son was doing but NONE of that absolves the fact that YOUR DAUGHTER KNOWINGLY DID SOMETHING SHE KNEW YOU WOULD NOT APPROVE.</p>
<p>No matter who you speak with your daughter is the only person over which you have any real influence here. Perhaps she’s not to spend the night out again for the rest of the school year. That would teach her to respect your wishes.</p>
<p>I apologize for forgetting to add that yes, of course we hold our daughter responsible. She will not be attending anymore sleepovers this year. She should have told her BF to go home, or she shold have called us. We have been very straight about this with her…however, my husband feels the BF’s parents should also be aware of the situation. I am not sure if they need to know.</p>
<p>I was going to echo the posts above - that shifting the blame, if that occurred, outside the circle of your own family, is inappropriate.</p>
<p>I am dealing with a similar situation, and have adopted a new screen name for this post. Apparantly, my DS - who has been involved with the same GF for 5 years - slightly more -is being asked by the girl’s parents to take an AIDS test. (Mind you, I did not want to be involved at this point - these are 18 year olds, and adults IMHO, have always practiced safely, etc ---- yes, I had to learn the details though I did not want to because DS is being literally hounded to go take this and a battery of other tests for diseases he could not have contracted given his involvement with GF ). He has never had another GF, never been involved with another person, and I find the whole request, and the stress it is causing him, somewhat outrageous. In the end, what will it prove? And, coming from the GF’s parents, the whole thing seems a parental overstep of responsible kids boundaries to me. He was going to take the test and be ‘done’ with it, but then, thinking through the 'have to show the results to the GF’s parents thing, he became reluctant. Is this a new scarlet letter? Why are the parents the prime movers on this? </p>
<p>I am allowing him to make his own decision, because it is his life. But, my thoughts were that the GF’s parents should, if they are so inclined, test their own child before placing pressure, and it is extreme, on mine.</p>
<p>I guess it was the line " and he is a hormone driven kid " that prompted my response. Because, in fact, THEY both, to be gender neutral, are hormone driven kids…</p>
<p>"He has never had another GF, never been involved with another person, and I find the whole request, and the stress it is causing him, somewhat outrageous. In the end, what will it prove? And, coming from the GF’s parents, the whole thing seems a parental overstep of responsible kids boundaries to me. He was going to take the test and be ‘done’ with it, but then, thinking through the 'have to show the results to the GF’s parents thing, he became reluctant. Is this a new scarlet letter? Why are the parents the prime movers on this? "</p>
<p>The GF’s parents are way over the line, and I don’t think your son should take the test.</p>
<p>I also believe he and his girlfriend should politely stand up to her parents. If his girlfriend isn’t willing to do this, then I don’t think she’s the girl for him as her parents will continue to be inappropriately involved in the young adults’ romantic life.</p>
<p>In the OP’s place, I’d want to know - what happened? Were the kids awake from 3 AM on, and reasonably well-supervised? Or did the “chaperone” :rolleyes: (who really does seem to be an idiot) go back to bed and allow the kids to go wherever/do whatever they wanted in her house? I’m not sure your daughter knew you would want to be phoned at 3 AM, if the homeowner/supervising adult made the decision to allow the boys in - especially if she let them sleep in a separate area from the girls, or was up herself and in charge all night. I would hear the d out, and then decide what kind of restriction is justified.</p>
<p>I do think the bf’s parents should be informed, because you say the boy drove illegally to go to the party. But I’m wondering - shouldn’t his parents know already? How could he leave their home at 3 AM, and not be present in the morning, without parents knowing? (Unless he was spending the night elsewhere?) In any case, I would support your husband’s desire to call the bf’s parents, regardless of whether your d will “take the blame.” The blame belongs to the boyfriend and the hostess. </p>
<p>Although you didn’t ask about this, I just want to mention that almost every 16 y/o, boy or girl, is “hormone-driven,” as you describe the bf. This might not apply to your d, whom I don’t know, but it is not surprising for 16 y/os who have been involved in long-term relationships (you mention them dating for 9 months) to be sexually active. If this is part of your concern about the situation, just pointing out that kids don’t need special occasions to have sex.</p>
<p>The BF is responsible for driving the car illegally (per your post) and staying at the home of his friend and nothing more in relation to your daughter. Are you sure he did not have permission to have the car? He’s sixteen and could have his license. Maybe the only thing he did was take the car without his parents consent. That is the issue for his parents to take up with him not where he ended up with the car.</p>
<p>I guess you could call his parents but if it were me I’d be more concerned about what it says about MY child vs. what some other parents know about theirs. If she cannot be trusted to handle a situation like this appropriately then I can’t imagine trusting her with bigger responsibilities that kids that age are so anxious to take on. Like driving.</p>
<p>I’m not picking on you or your daughter here. When my son was that age it was his responsibility to call me if he was attending a party that turned into something or someplace he was not to be. Thus, I had to go out and pick him up at 3am on a number of occasions because he was 16 and hanging out with 18 year olds who were getting drunk. I didn’t hold the other kids responsible for breaking the rules. Instead I held my own child responsible for being an accomplice if he chose to stay where where he knew the rules were being broken. </p>
<p>Let me say, it’s easier to enforce that kind of rule at 16 than it will be when they are 17 or 18.</p>
<p>spoton- I’m wondering if your son should go ahead and take the test, not because of hounding and not to share the results with the gf’s parents. But…if the parents are so wild about this, maybe they know something about their daughter that your son doesn’t. In which case it may be prudent for him to be tested. </p>
<p>OP- I think a lot depends on what actually happened from 3 AM on. I would not tell the bf’s parents. And if the party was merely sitting around chatting and eating cheetos, then you would come across as a bit over the top. And you run the risk of alienating your daughter if nothing hormonal really happenend.</p>
<p>Spoton, I would advise my son against taking the test. It’s his choice but it sets up a terrible precedent for the future. How much of our dignity do we want our kids to hand over in order to keep a relationship? Not to mention the potential Pandora’s box which could come from the parents after he grants this request.</p>
<p>The girls parents are overstepping their boundaries here and I hope your son refuses to do this. If he wanted to take the test on his own because of his own concerns that would be different. But if he’s doing it to please some girls parents where does it end?</p>
<p>Denise515: Both my D and the BF have a drivers license. It is illegal for them to drive after midnight in our state due to their age. The BF was spending the night at another guys house. His parents assumed this is where he was; not with our daughter.</p>
<p>Thanks for clearing that up MM. I get that it is illegal for him to be driving. However if he’s been driving after midnight and this did not concern you before he showed up at 3:00 am to a sleepover then the real reason you want him punished is because of your daughter. Was this the first time you learned of him breaking the law in this fashion?</p>
<p>How do you know the boy would be grounded if the parents were told? What happens if you contact the parents and they are not concerned? Or if they were told the boys might end up elsewhere?</p>
<p>my thoughts were the same as yours. Perhaps the son should have the test for his own protection…maybe the girls parents do know something that neither they nor their daughter shared previously.</p>
<p>What information have you gathered on what actually happened? Did the boys just show up at 3 am? Did the girls call and invite them over? Were the parents hosting the sleepover aware of it when the boys arrived, let them in, and then supervise appropriately–or did they just find out about the boys when they woke up in the morning? And what was the daughters involvement or take on the whole situation? </p>
<p>If the boys showing up was not previously planned, she might not have thought it necessary to call her parents at 3am–especially if nothing otherwise forbidden was happening–ie., if they were just sitting around watching movies and eating cheetos in a group. Or were all of the girls involved in a plan where they expected the boys to show up?</p>
<p>My response would differ depending on the scenario.</p>
<p>OP-
I would suggest a nice sit down with the BF…without your daughter. Ask where he was supposed to be. What he thought the ramifications might be. While being invited in by the hostesses mother, did it not occur to him that you would not approve and that is what his first concern should be. Make it very clear that in all situations his number one responsibility is your daughters safety. Not only from harm, but legally, and morally.
Tell him you are giving him the respect of telling his parents himself, after which you would like a call from them so everyone is on the same page. Give him a deadline. Two days, one week, whatever you feel is reasonable. I would also ask him what he feels is a reasonable action for he and your daughter breaking your trust. Often teens will impart harsher penalties on themselves when asked to choose.
BTW, I’ll say I’m not in the camp that it depends on who invited who over, or what were they doing. Your daughter didn’t get permission, nor did the BF ask your permission. They knew it was wrong. There are telephones, most kids have their own, to call to get a ride home.</p>
<p>Boys X3:
My daughter tells me this was not planned. The boys just showed up. The parent in charge told me she let them come in and stay. She told me they were all in the basement; she was on the main floor. So although the parent was awake and aware, she was not with the kids. My d of course says nothing happened; they just talked. I am skeptical.
I am furious that the parent let this occur but I have already told her how I feel about the situation. My husband and I have had a lengthy discussion with our DD and she is aware that we are very upset. She is grounded until further notice. My question is whether or not to inform the BF’s parents of the situation. They had no idea he was with our daughter and they have no idea he was driving around in the middle of the night.
Blueiguana: That sounds like a good and reasonable approach. Thank you.</p>
<p>Blue, you are saying that a 16 year old boy is legally and morally responsible for not only himself but also for a 16 year old girl? Really? Most 16 year old boys are learning how to be legally and morally responsible for THEMSELVES. To add the burden of an additional person seems rather unrealistic. IMO.</p>
<p>Would you say the reverse is true? If not, why the double standard. Why would the girl not be responsible for making sure she did not put herself into a position where not only she but her boyfriend would not be in trouble? Why should this fall entirely on the boy? He is not legally or ethically responsible for her moral or legal safety. She is.</p>
<p>I guess what gets me is the implication that the boy is ‘hormone driven’ and the girl is somehow unable or is not expected to be responsible for herself. A victim of circumstance. Can’t say I ever raised my daughter to trust that someone else was responsible for her safety, morality, or legal standing.</p>