Parenting question concerning our daughter and her BF

Parent Cafe
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<p>this is kind of beside the point, unless you go on every date with bf and D. They don’t need a sleepover for “something to happen.” </p>

<p>The point is just that she broke your rules.</p>

<p>She needs to be allowed to go out and to be trusted that if she is in the homes of others with different rules, she will still follow yours. (you already know this.)</p>

<p>My husband would definitely sit down with a boyfriend and talk to him. No need to involve his parents. He just needs to know that when he is dating your daughter, you have certain expectations. He should know this anyway. I’d say the same if the situation were reversed and a girl had shown up at a boy’s sleepover. Though, in that case, the mother should do the talking.</p>

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<p>I realize that I somewhat derailed the thread, but I do want to thank you for pointing out that there may be a ‘backstory’ here, and that may mean that they are somehow looking out for him. I want to believe that - because I have known these people for a while obviously. But, I do think the backstory may not be purely altruistic on their part, and may involve all sorts of issues that I do not want to play out on a forum. That the GF has not taken these tests (and AIDS is only one of the requested tests) first troubles me - apparantly, they are looking for him to ‘go first’ and that just does not rest well. Not ‘go together’ — that said, I do see the logic in ‘going’ at this point, and then NOT sharing the results. </p>

<p>I have pointed out to DS that this issue should be between him and the GF, who have been dating since freshman year of HS. Not her parents, or his (and believe me I am troubled that we are involved at all). And the results should be private, if the test is taken at all. </p>

<p>My DS says he can not have a normal conversation with the GF anymore without the topic coming up. I told him that speaks volumes to me. Forget the test. The obsession is the issue.</p>

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<p>denise -</p>

<p>I agree with your post, as a female and as a mother of sons AND daughters.
I would never extend my opinions beyond the family unit, to some one else’s family, but only tell my kids what my expectations were for THEM. Calling the other parents (which in my case has not yet happened but it is coming from DS’s GF parents) will not exactly be viewed well.</p>

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<p>MM2, please don’t be to hard on the mom who let the boys stay after arriving at 3 AM. At least she kept them off the road. She may have helped avert a tragedy by keeping a carload of 16 yr old boys off the road in the middle of the night.</p>

<p>As for concerns about any monkey business happening at the sleepover house - I’m guessing the kids probably just hung out and talked, listened to music and were just typical teens. That being said, I agree with everyone else that your daughter has lost all sleepover privileges for the remainder of the school year. Although I would allow her to have friends sleepover at your house after winter break.</p>

<p>As for talking to the BF’s parents, I would echo Blueiguana suggestion and tell the BF that you will be talking to his parents, but you will give him x number of days to tell them first. I think it is important to speak to them because: a)they should know; b)if this relationship continues you need to have some sort of relationship with his parents, if for no other reason than to be able to pick up the phone and compare notes on what your kids are telling you.<br>
Example: a friend of mine found out that her HS son and his GF would both tell their respective parents that after the school dance they would be spending the night at whatever same sex friends house (S would be at ‘Mike’s’ and GF at ‘Kelsey’s’), in reality they were spending the night alone together in a car somewhere. Those of us whose kids are out of HS can probably share more of these schemes that these HS kids come up with.</p>

<p>So, talk to the BF parents. I think they will be grateful in the long run. In a weird way it’s probably good that this happened in the beginning of the school year, so now you as a parent can set the standard for what parents will tolerate, and the kids will know what they can’t get away with.</p>

<p>This is a teachable moment for both kids and parents. Go for it!</p>

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<p>I would not take sleepaways from your daughter, a parent made the decision to let the boys stay, not your daughter. Having the group of kids there makes sex unlikely.</p>

<p>Unless your DD is unusually sheltered, if she wants to have sex she will find plenty of opportunity. I worked in high schools for years, kids had sex in the schools all the time.</p>

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<p>I would hope that if there are any positive results from any STD test, that your son would share the results with his girlfriend. I think that’s what you are saying, though, correct? I strongly agree that he has no obligation to share the results with her parents, however.</p>

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<p>I would take the test if I were your son as it is in his interest to know if he has an STD. However, I agree that there is something odd going on here that goes way beyond medical curiosity.</p>

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<p>If I could clarify, as I once again get slammed on CC for my opinions…</p>

<p>I have a 17yo son who was dating a nice young lady for about a year. During that time he received his drivers license and there was more freedom. We made it very clear to our son that his first responsibility was always for his girlfriends safety. That if she said they should go somewhere he knew was not a good idea that he should put the breaks on, he was responsible for her morally on that date, and if they were somewhere that people were drinking, he was to take her home. He was responsible for keeping her in appropriate situations. That if he crossed the line, her father would quickly show him the door, for good.</p>

<p>I’m sure her parents had rules and responsibilities for their daughter and that’s a good thing. However, I do not think that raising my boys to keep a young lady safe, and keep them out of situations where they are morally or legally compromised is a bad thing.</p>

<p>Having said this, we are also not idiots and talk openly with our children about many things including birth control. Our son was told specifically that if the relationship starting heading in a very physical way he was to go to his father, there would be not judgement. Again, it was his responsibility to keep his girlfriend protected.</p>

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<p>Spoton…I realize this is a kind of bizarre situation, but maybe, given that the parents feel they have the “right” to pressure your child to take these tests, you have the right to call them and to ask them why they are doing this. You also have the right to ask them, point blank, if there is something going on with thier daughter that you should know about.</p>

<p>Normally I’m not a one for calling the other parents, but this seems really strange. It’s hardly as if your son could take an STD test and not reveal positives to a girl he was having sex with. I mean, ethically speaking.</p>

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<p>BlueI…I thought your suggestion was exactly right.</p>

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<p>OP- don’t hate me, but I happily let DD, a large group of girls and guys stay at a friends house after the prom. The mom had snacks and sodas set up for them. Its highly unlikely anything bad happened with a large group of kids, and its safer than many of the alternatives. </p>

<p>One of DDs friends went home alone after the prom, and the boyfriend came over, she snuck him into her house and they had sex while the parents were sleeping (I found out about this when DD and her friends were talking about how stupid that was)! I’d take the bigger group of fully clothed kids playing video games or watching a movie over the one on one possibilities.</p>

<p>Breaking curfew is an issue.</p>

<p>“MM2, please don’t be to hard on the mom who let the boys stay after arriving at 3 AM. At least she kept them off the road. She may have helped avert a tragedy by keeping a carload of 16 yr old boys off the road in the middle of the night.”</p>

<p>I agree with this.</p>

<p>These kids are a couple years away from college where they will be able to do anything they want. In my experience, it’s a lot of the sheltered ones that seem to go nuts in college. They get some freedom and they have no idea what to do with it because they never had it before.</p>

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<p>post #28 perfectly reflects my thoughts.</p>

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<p>poetgl - Certainly, he should disclose the results to the GF. I would not want it any other way. I do not know how to quote you to make clear that I am replying to post #28. </p>

<p>DS would be telling a doctor that he’s been in a monogomous relationship, and asking to take the tests. I doubt, though I am not an MD, that any doctor would suggest he take them, nor any insurance pay for them, in this scenario unless the suggestion is made that one party is NOT monogomous. This is a five year involvment. </p>

<p>This is all out of pocket, which is only one of the issues in this thornbush.</p>

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<p>spoton…I’m pretty sure ALL MD’s are very in favor of ALL sexually active adults having these tests, whether or not they believe they are in a monogomous relationship. I don’t think that will end up being an issue.</p>

<p>But, I’d still talk to the parents. If your instincts tell you that something is wayyyy off, then something is off. JMO</p>

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<p>Spoton … This does seem to be a bit strange. Can’t he go to his college’s health center and have the testing done? I also think that if you are being expected to pay for the testing, obviously you are then involved and have every right to ask the girl’s parents what they are thinking? Is there a problem with their daughter?</p>

<p>But – I do want to make the point that there are a LOT of people out there with no concept of infectious and contagious diseases and simply have taken the edict of “testing before exchange of bodily fluids” to heart without having the faintest inkling of what would be required to get a positive result. I can’t imagine how these people passed 9th grade bio … but they are out there.</p>

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<p>I tell my son he’s responsible for HIS actions and how they impact himself AND others. Thus whether he’s with his GF, his friends, or driving the dog to the VET, it does not matter. I do not wish to make him personally responsible for other people’s choices though only the action/reaction he has to them. </p>

<p>As a mother of sons and a daughter, I would never lecture someone’s child about how they should be responsible for my child.</p>

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<p>My question is would the GF’s parents believe him if he said he took the test. Will they want to see results on paper? Will they want to go with him to the clinic…</p>

<p>where does it end? Someone this out of line and with no sense of boundaries is not going to stop with a simple ‘it was negative.’</p>

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<p>I agree with Vderon and others saying this likely was an innocent enough event itself but the dishonesty and breaking of trust surrounding the staging of the event is the bigger issue. </p>

<p>I also agree that something can happen at ANY hour of the day where two young people have a moment alone. At 3:00 am with a group of kids getting together with a parents approval is less likely than those moments after school and alone in the house before parents arrive home from work.</p>

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<p>Am I the only one who has accompanied an adult child to get an aids test or to pick up results? I don’t think anyone wants to do this alone. IMHO taking your son now is good practice and good precedent for regular testing if he ever has another partner. We tried to convince our kids that before getting sexually involved with anyone, the two of them should go get tested together. We tried to tell them that your lovers may tell you anything you want to hear. In their mid 20’s they are finally starting to believe us. Luckily they have been “safe enough” so far and seem to have developed some judgement/maturity in partners.</p>

<p>If this were my son, I would offer to take both son and GF for test. Paying for it is the least of your worries imho. If the GF doesn’t want to go I would take son. I would NOT disclose results to GF’s parents but have him discuss results with her. If she won’t be tested, I would not be supportive at all of this relationship continuing. Unless your son has been involved with someone else, unbeknowst to you but known to GF.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t either. I simply speak to my own boys. And yes, they are also responsible for being safe while taking the dog to the vet. That wasn’t the subject of this thread so I didn’t cover that. It was about dating. </p>

<p>We differ in our opinion and that’s okay. I don’t think it makes mine wrong.</p>

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<p>OP, this is all very typical for 16 year-olds who have just received their licenses and are tasting a bit of freedom. Be glad that this happened, as it has given you warning about what the next couple of years might be like if you don’t set the rules now.</p>

<p>In your shoes, I would not call the parents, or punish the kids at this point. But I would sit down with my own kid, and make it very clear what I do and don’t think is OK, now that they have more freedom and don’t need to be driven everywhere. Sometimes we think it’s all very clear what our rules are, and then something outside of our imagination occurs, and we realize that maybe this particular circumstance wasn’t covered in our previous conversations. The fact that the parent who was home allowed the boys in and let them stay makes it a little tougher to blame your kid too much, especially as she was part of a group, as were the boys; she was where she said she’d be and at a supervised home. ( even if lightly) If they all sat around and talked, which I would believe, actually, I can see why she wouldn’t think she needed to call you.</p>

<p>As for the boys, well, their issue is driving with the provisional license after allowable hours. Stupid, risky and unsafe. I would sit down with the boyfriend and make it clear that he has lost some trust as far as you’re concerned. If he was willing to do this, why should you feel comfortable about letting him drive your daughter places? I might also set a tight curfew on their future dates, such as being home by 11:00 or 11:30 on date nights, if you haven’t already.</p>

<p>I have a hard time believing that the boys came over to be physical with the girls. They don’t need to go to a supervised home with a group for this, as they have plenty of opportunity when they are alone. They were probably in a party mood after the dance and wanted to continue the party. But they were stepping out of bounds, as they were not invited, and they had to drive illegally to get there. That would be my issue, and it would really make me cautious about future events where I might need to put trust in this boy’s maturity.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t call the parents, and I wouldn’t punish either kid other than the “talking to” and a reiteration of rules. But I would consider myself “warned” and be very, very careful in the future, getting all rules and contingencies out in the open so there are no future misunderstandings. </p>

<p>I have a 22 and 25 year old. Be glad you have this opportunity to get a clue.</p>