<p>Blue, nope. It doesn’t. I just don’t like the idea that 16 year old boys are supposed to be responsible for girls. I think at that age the idea of teaching responsibility to one’s self and the community is important. But when we start making 16 year old teenagers responsible for each other we are asking for not only a lot but a lot of trouble.</p>
<p>If the kid is 18 the kids own parents have no right to insist any adult child take a test. They are ADULTS and they have to consent to give information to their own parents let alone some lunatic GF’s parents.</p>
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<p>^^not insist. assist. support. make it less scary</p>
<p>It’s a tricky issue. In our day, we went to the college clinic, got drugs and it was all good. Our kids, unfortunately, don’t get to live in the good old days.</p>
<p>This advice to get involved is based on the 18 yr old giving his mom all this information. To me, this is someone asking for assistance. ymmv</p>
<p>Completely agree with Vderon and Redroses on the scenario described by OP. This is not about sex; it is about socializing. As with others, my issue is with the boys breaking curfew and/or taking the car without permission. My S would lose his driving privileges for a time, but it would not be because of my concern about anything happening in the basement.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine any doctor not testing someone who is sexually active. My daughter has been tested twice and thankfully has come back negative. I am not sure if it is the idea of the parents wanting the tests performed or if it sounds like they are questioning your sons values in regard to him sleeping with someone other than their daughter. I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with everyone getting tested somewhat regularly because at that age there is no way of really knowing if one or both partners are monogamous. Is the girl getting tested too…she should be. Maybe the parents know something your son does not know or something you don’t know. The parent involvement does seem a bit unusual but then again I asked my daughter to get tested…which was the responsible thing to do when you have a partner. It would be up to her to ask a partner to be tested.</p>
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<p>No.</p>
<p>To clarify: My issue with the daughter breaking the rules has nothing to do with boys being present, it has to do with her breaking the trust. 16 year olds need to be responsible and to follow the rules becuase MOST of the rules are there to keep them safe, not to jail them. If a 16 year old wants a new set of rules, then they must simply go and negotiate. I’ve always told my kids they have a much better shot at getting more freedom if they handle the freedom they already have. The more I can trust them, the more I trust them. To be clear.</p>
<p>“I would not take sleepaways from your daughter, a parent made the decision to let the boys stay, not your daughter. Having the group of kids there makes sex unlikely.”</p>
<p>I agree with not taking sleepaways from your D because a parent made the decision, and the decision was made during the sleepaway itself.</p>
<p>I don’t agree that sex was unlikely due to the # of teens there. Determined teens will have sex even if others are relatively close by.</p>
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<p>True enough. Although I don’t know that it makes that much difference, as the daughter and boyfriend have been dating for 9 months. They have no doubt had plenty of opportunities before this particular evening, and they will continue to have unsupervised opportunities. I would tend to believe the girl unless there are reasons not to.</p>
<p>These are 18 year olds in my case. IMHO, parents are no longer properly involved, if even they were earlier. </p>
<p>Yes, there ‘could be’ in theory something I do not know, even about the GF. But, I asked, time and again, if my son were involved with anyone else. He claims the answer is ‘no’ and based on his reaction, I believe him. He was in tears discussing this, and what it felt like to have both the DS and her parents questioning him. I asked him, just yesterday, if he asked the GF with the same level of curiousity, whether she’d been involved with anyone else. FWIW, I told him I would support whatever decision he made, but not agree to the choice to be tested, though after reading these posts, I see that there may be a message here. But, it is certainly being delievered as if he is the one who must ‘go first’. </p>
<p>I have no right to insist on this testing now, and, quite frankly, I would not have insisted on it earlier either. Does one ‘retest’ to confirm monogomy yearly? Quarter annually? At some point, you have to trust the partner, and trust that what they say about the relationship, without interjecting a ‘prove it’ element - especially to a 5 year relationship. This is not a ‘pick up’ from the corner barstool of two people who have seen a bit of the world where such an issue might be appropriate. This is a first and only relationship, or so DS believed, for both of them. </p>
<p>My issue is this - my son were to take the test, and all is negative. Is there a repeat test requested whenever his veracity is doubted in the future?</p>
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<p>agree. imho the goal in parenting this age group is to keep them safe long enough for them to be able to keep themselves safe. This means talking about everything, endlessly so that they begin to understand how to make good choices for their own self benefit not because they will be grounded if found out. Taking away the risky behaviours from irresponsible teens (car for example) seems different to me than grounding.</p>
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<p>LOL agree! And imho here is a teaching moment for how to handle all kinds of upcoming situations. Your bff has sex in the backseat; your roommate has sex in the next bed. At 16 you can still explain your own viewpoint, give some practical advice, and maybe even before they find themselves in this situation.</p>
<p>It is so hard! I am sooo glad mine are older.</p>
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<p>I see the logic in this, but I do not agree.</p>
<p>The daughter needs to follow the rules her parents’ set, regardless of whose house she is in, or the parents are unable to trust her.</p>
<p>Change the scenario: I don’t agree with taking sleepovers away from the D because the parents decided to allow drinking, and the decision was made during the sleepover.</p>
<p>No.</p>
<p>i have very few rules for my kids. But the ones I have are the ones I have. I really do not care one bit what is okay with other parents. If my D cannot follow MY rules when she is at somebody else’s house, then she can’t go there. If that makes me a jerk, so be it.</p>
<p>spoton, the only question I would be asking my son to really, really think about is: “What will these people be like as in-laws?”</p>
<p>poetgrl, no it doesn’t make you a jerk…lol</p>
<p>I wonder, though, if the parents have actually discussed the possibility of boys coming over to the house, and what the daughter should do about it before the fact. The OP says that her husband was shocked that the boyfriend would do this. It makes me think that the whole idea of boys crashing the party at 3am never occurred to them, or to the daughter.
This is the first year that they’ve had car privileges, so a lot of new opportunities are out there that they never thought of before. If the parents just thought it was “understood” by their daughter that they would disapprove of this and they would expect her to call home, I think this is somewhat a leap of logic. If it had been spelled out in advance that she should call if boys show up, then, I’d say she should have known better. But really, since the girl didn’t do anything to bring this about, and the parent there approved it, should she really be punished because she didn’t think it warranted a 3am phone call?
I can see how parents would differ on this, but I’d save my punishments for more certain breaches of trust. Now the boyfriend, on the other hand, would lose my trust.</p>
<p>^^and yes, what this is time for is more honest discussion. Time to talk honestly about expectations, trust and responsibility.</p>
<p>blankmind, that is just what I was thinking. At least the boy now knows that her parents are really like, and has a chance to escape :)</p>
<p>Regarding the sleepover, I can’t imagine most 16 year olds saying, “stop! I have to call my parents and go home because the adults at this house are allowing these boys to be here!”. I blame the parent at the sleepover. If she really didn’t want the boys to drive, she would have (1) stayed in the room with the kids, or (2) insisted that the boys sleep on a different floor (say, in the living room). I would do the following:</p>
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<li>No more sleepovers at that house.</li>
<li>Sit down and have a VERY clear discussion with your D about the rules going forward. No worries, she will pass the info on to her BF, so no need to embarrass the kid at this point. (Having had a “chat” from a boyfriend’s parents once, I actually would NEVER do this to one of my kids’ significant others!)</li>
<li>Tell her that you will be contacting parents with upcoming sleepovers for the next year to clarify your expectations on this point, and then do it.</li>
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<p>It sounds to me like there is a trust issue here. I don’t see why two young people in their first, monogamous realtionship would be involving their parents in a testing scenario. Even if her parents brought it up, your son brought it to you. This would worry me because there sounds like there is no trust and they aren’t quite mature enough to deal with these issues on their own. On the other hand, it is really smart imho to involve one’s parents when one isn’t sure what to do, rather than ignore the situation and do nothing.</p>
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<p>These are not the only people who wind up with STDs. Kids like yours sometimes do, too. </p>
<p>Most adults I know (of whom I know such things ;)) test before a relationship and/or prior to a decision to use some bc other than condoms.</p>
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I agree with this. While we would like teenagers to be less literal about the rules, and to understand the purpose behind the rules, they often don’t. You have to spell it out.</p>
<p>Okay. I agree if the conversation hadn’t been had in advance…that’s reasonable.</p>
<p>I just assumed, given how common the co-ed sleepover situation is around here, that the parents had already discussed it.</p>
<p>You might be interested to know I am not even necessarily against this during the prom or homecoming thing…I just believe each kid needs to follow their own parents rules.</p>
<p>So what, they have the test results and feel safe because they both tested negative. They then stop taking maximum precautions and stop using condoms and end up with herpes or some other STD that can lie dormant for years? Or even, pregnant?</p>
<p>What, EXACTLY, is this test supposed to prove?</p>
<p>I agree about following the rules, poetgrl. </p>
<p>The shocked tone from the OP, however, leads me to think that this family is in unfamiliar territory.
I think this event is a great wake-up call. Once kids are driving, rules may need to be more explicit and consequences spelled out clearly.
I remember a set of written-out rules for my now 25 year old daughter when she was 16. They were posted on the refrigerator, like when she was five! But it was all very clear. And it worked. (as far as we ever found out, anyway…;))</p>
<p>Tip for kids: never ask your parents if you can host or attend a “co-ed sleepover.”</p>
<p>Instead, ask if you can have an “all-night party.”</p>