Parenting question concerning our daughter and her BF

Parent Cafe
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<p>No leap of logic needed. </p>

<p>Son: “may I go _____?”
Me: “Yes, but if you go anywhere else, change plans, have a situation that you are not supposed to have then you need to call or text me.” </p>

<p>We have this conversation EACH AND EVERY time he asks to spend the night some place or go some place which I m not familiar. </p>

<p>I agree with whomever said the more we trust them the more freedom they get. If they learn this early then they realize their choices have consequences and loss of trust is a huge price to pay.</p>

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<p>Seems like a good time to post this again:</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.menloschool.org/data/file...ideParties.pdf[/url]”>http://www.menloschool.org/data/file...ideParties.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>This is a guide to parents about teen parties.</p>

<p>Planning, Controlling & Surviving Teen Parties</p>

<p>When the gathering is at your home
Before the party
During the party</p>

<p>When the party is elsewhere
Before the party
During/after the party</p>

<p>The “underground” party
When it’s “nowhere and everywhere”
When it’s at your house, but you don’t know it</p>

<p>Parenting: Being Effective and Connected as Your Child’s Social Life Expands </p>

<p>What Kids (and Parents) Need to Know About Underage Drinking and the Law</p>

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<p>I think an issue here is the discomfort with coming to terms that if we give our kids an inch they will take a mile. Especially regarding boyfriends/girlfriends. It’s the nature of the beast. I just hope that a girl over age 16 with a long term boyfriend has taken proper precautions. Condoms are not enough and relying on a guy to be responsible for YOUR body is not smart.</p>

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<p>I think it’s tough on a working parent. I couldn’t worry about a coed sleepover when I was leaving DD alone from 3 pm to 6 pm every day. She could have done whatever she wanted during those times. </p>

<p>So, we started talking about sex, drugs and consequences early on. I had an advantage in that my daughter had very difficult times of the month, so the doctor put her on birth control . To be honest that worked for me, because even tho DD insisted she was not doing “that”, it gave me one less thing to worry about.</p>

<p>It always made me kind of sad that my girls friends were so afraid of their parents, and kept so much from them. When one of DDs friends thought she was pregnant at 19, she came to me for advice.</p>

<p>I’d rather deal with reality than be surprised. We all want our kids to call us at 2:00 in the morning when they are facing a bad situation. Mine did a couple times. If I would have taken away their priveleges for a whole year, maybe they wouldn’t have . It’s a tough call.</p>

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<p>One thing the test will prove (we all hope!) is that they don’t need to be on meds, inform past lovers, be extra careful with future lovers.</p>

<p>I don’t know anyone whose response to a negative result has been to become “reckless,” rather they seem to either promise themselves to be safer in the future or congratulate themselves on having been so safe and continue to be so.</p>

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<p>I have to admit I never experienced that discomfort. Maybe I was just lucky.</p>

<p>Most young women I know, who aren’t ready to be pregnant, do use birth control in addition to condoms. Though I do know a couple of women who will only use barrier methods because of fears of drugs perhaps impacting fertility. One of these is a scientist so I have to respect her opinion.</p>

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<p>moonchild…you hit the nail on the head…the first time we have a kid hit driving age we suddenly confront new issues that we hadn’t anticipated and we don’t always handle them well. The sleepover host family handled it badly and they admitted it. Suddenly a bunch of kids come over…they’ve known the kids for years, they are up and the girls are still doing the post-party chat thing so no one seems sleepy…you let t he kids in before you reflect on 1) it is 3 am and the kids should not be out 2)how are you going to chaperone this situation. Once they are indoors they are reluctant to cause issues…this was the problem and you can question their judgement at that moment, but I don’t think you should see them as undermining your authority or values. </p>

<p>OP…you can be sure that they have now thought long and hard about how they will handle this in the future. While it is not up to them enforce your standards on kids in their house, it is important for them to know your expectations about boy/girl interaction so they can support your daughter to meet your expectations or else you won’t let her go to that house again. IE…if they have another spontaneous late night boy/girl party, they should encourage all the kids to call home and check if the change of plans is ok with the parents. </p>

<p>Turn it around and consider the problem if host parents strongly disagreed with YOUR EXPECTATIONS/RULES of engagement. Would you expect them to support you on this? This is what happened to us. </p>

<p>When my oldest started senior year kids started coming to our house after school or events…we are close to school, have a spacious basement with a good tv/dvd player, and I cook well…our home=>social center for 17 year olds. </p>

<p>I was happy to have them over when I was there but I did stick to the rule…no one there when I am out of the house. Yes curfew (everybody out by 11:45 because of county curfew), but boys and girls were equally welcome to come over. </p>

<p>I did have a mom call to find out if D was there and if her wannabe boyfriend was also there. They both were and were playing a very noisy game of uno at my dining room table…this was a very sticky situation…mom was checking up on D because she disapproved of BF because BF was AA which caused heartache all around…I very strongly disagreed with Mom but I was NOT going to undermine her even for something I viewed as cruel and crazy…I encouraged daughter to always tell Mom who was going to be at our house but also to say that I was an involved chaperone. I would not try to keep Romeon/Juliet from meeting…not my job and not my values. However, I was clear that I don’t want the responsibility of kids engaging in adult behaviors in my home–drinking, sex, porn…etc. and take actions to prevent this. </p>

<p>However, even strongly disagreeing with those parents, I still felt that I couldn’t let the kids use my house to break her parents’ rules. Girl had to tell them when they were both at the house. If mom called to check, I was going to be frank about who was at the house and what they were doing. I spoke to the mom about my chaperoning …always in and out of the basement , lights always on, and if I saw people getting too close and cuddly well…time to offer snacks, and start watching the movie with them…amazing (and a little sadly) the presence of a mom is as inhibiting of sexual desire as having a nun there. </p>

<p>If those two kids wanted to do stuff on their own there was ample opportunity away from my house. However, I think I found a way to allow the friends to socialize together without the racist mom feeling that we were supporting their daughter breaking their ridiculous and cruel rules. If we had said to kid, go ahead, come over with AA BF and we will lie to your parents or allow you to lie was tempting since I liked both kids so much, but I just didn’t think that I should be undermining a parent unless I feel a child’s health is at risk and then I would get professional support. </p>

<p>So…keep in mind that the rules of engagement that are so crystal clear to you and you think are so obvious to all intelligent parents may seem as anything but to another parent. Communicate to other parents your expectations with the understanding that they will not undermine you and support you when possible but you must be clear that neither do you expect them to enforce your rules and standards.</p>

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<p>We made it clear months ago to both our daughter and her BF that we were not comfortable with coed sleepovers. We realize our daughter was put into a bad situation by the parent who allowed the boys to come over to her house. Our concern is that our daughter is dating a boy who is having difficulty making smart decisions; driving at 3AM, attending a coed sleepover that he knows we disapprove of, etc. We are not ignorant parents. We have frequent and open discussions about sex, drugs etc. We are very upfront about our expectations of all of our children. My husband wants to talk to the BF because at this point in time we really do not trust him and feel he has poor judgment. We also understand that many 16 yr old kids do not make wise decisions. We take our role as parents very seriously and we are trying to help our children make choices that will ready them for a more independent lifestyle in college.</p>

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<p>I really have no trouble with my kids’ following the rules, as far as I know, but I’m open to logic and conversation, and have been known to change my mind BEFORE THE FACT.</p>

<p>My 20 yo says I’m tough but fair. She also, now that she is on her own, is willing to admit it was a relief to have a mom with a reputation for being tough. None of the kids disliked me, but none of them questioned it if she said, “I can’t. You know how my parents’ are.” They all rolled thier eyes in agreement.</p>

<p>But, as I always, always said, “The rules I make are to keep you safe, not to keep you from having fun. If you can prove to me that you will be safe and I’m being unreasonable, we can talk.”</p>

<p>Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. “AW mom! Come ON.”</p>

<p>ETA: finartsmajormom- I completely agree that other parents are not expected to enforce my rules. It’s my kids’ job to follow them. They’re simple.</p>

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<p>^^also think it is important teens know they can blame us and say we don’t allow something (even if we do, or just have not thought to forbid it) when they aren’t comfortable with the situation, but don’t want to speak up themselves. I was happily the bad guy on more than one occasion.</p>

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<p>"Our concern is that our daughter is dating a boy who is having difficulty making smart decisions; driving at 3AM, attending a coed sleepover that he knows we disapprove of, etc. We are not ignorant parents. We have frequent and open discussions about sex, drugs etc. We are very upfront about our expectations of all of our children. My husband wants to talk to the BF because at this point in time we really do not trust him and feel he has poor judgment. "</p>

<p>If its a trust issue with him, I would be more worried about her being alone with him than with a large group of kids when the parents are home.</p>

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<p>I enjoy reading all the different perspectives.</p>

<p>We have always had a rule about no coed sleepovers. Recently, our 16 y/o daughter and her boyfriend have been invited to weekends at her best friend’s family lake house. Other girls and boys (dating couples) have also been invited and have apparently all been given permission to attend. DH and I talked it over and decided that we weren’t comfortable with this as it doesn’t seem any different than a coed sleepover. Both times we told our daughter no, the second time making it clear that the answer would continue to be no. She told us she was disappointed, but couldn’t honestly tell us that we were being unreasonable and that she understood our position.</p>

<p>Apparently, our policy has insulted the best friend and parents. Parents are insulted that we apparently do not trust them to properly supervise the kids. Honestly, I don’t know them all that well, and I just don’t want my daughter in a position where it would be too easy to succumb to the temptation of opportunity, hormones, and strong emotions (dd and bf have admitted to being “in love”). I DO understand that our position does not guarantee that our dd and her bf won’t create their own opportunities to be alone without supervision. Still, we made the decision with which we felt most comfortable. Best friend is offended that we would think anything improper would be going on. Best friend has taken out her disappointment on my daughter, and now the relationship is becoming rather rocky and stressing out my daughter. After dd declined the last invitation, the friend has told her she’s mad and has basically given her the cold shoulder.</p>

<p>It’s beyond me why her friend would get annoyed at my daughter because of her parents’ policies. Part of me feels bad that the parents are hurt that we don’t seem to trust the environment that they have created at their lake home, but part of me digs in and says some times you will have to come off as the bad guy.</p>

<p>No one ever said parenting was going to be easy, grr…</p>

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<p>Nrdsb4-- It doesn’t matter, you can’t change your mind, now, anyway. And sometimes you do have to be the bad guy.</p>

<p>When oldest was 12, a group of girls were allowed to go to a concert…I mean, it was a real rock concert… without any adult supervision. they were dropped off out front and picked up out front.</p>

<p>My daughter wanted to go so badly. I don’t think she ever, ever hated me as much as she hated me that week. </p>

<p>A horrible thing happened to one of the girls that night. I’m very, very sad to say. It was just awful.</p>

<p>There were definitely moments that week when I wanted to just say, OH, fine. Just go. I didn’t have any idea in my head that some awful thing was going to happen, I just thought it sounded ridiculous and that there were plenty of years ahead to go to concerts…why the rush?</p>

<p>But, if you change your mind now? You can’t.</p>

<p>You can ‘revisit’ it later. :rolleyes: if you feel like it. Or not.</p>

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<p>Parents who invite several dating 16 year olds for a weekend at a lake house and believe they can supervise them sufficiently must be living in a different universe. I’m speechless, Nrdsb4. What are they thinking? I’m equally surprised that all the other parents are fine with it. We live in an upscale area, my kids went to private schools, and there’s no way this would have been ok with the parents of my kids’ friends. No way.<br>
As far as all night parties- maybe, with awake and supervising parents after a special event like the prom, ok. But that means kids are up, not in sleeping bags, and parents are walking through the room once in awhile to bring food, etc. , unannounced. And no coming and going- once you’re there, if you leave, you can’t return to the house. (This is so they can’t step out for beers, etc.)</p>

<p>A weekend with several dating 16 year-old couples with only one set of parents at a private home- I don’t care if they are both work for the FBI- it’s just not enough supervision, unless you really don’t care what they do.</p>

<p>***Maybe they have cameras in all the rooms, and around the property. :)</p>

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<p>So, parents, you never did this sort of stuff when you were a kid? I’m not talking about sexual activity, but I’m talking about being places in the middle of the night when parents thought you were elsewhere? Boys showing up at slumber parties, “kidnapping” friends out of their houses late at night… I’m surprised that anyone is surprised. </p>

<p>For the OP, I do think it’s unreasonable for you to expect that your D would have called you at 3am. However, I would have Dad speak directly to the BF regarding his trustworthiness going forward. </p>

<p>But really, kids will do what they are going to do–so have great communication, and be clear with your expectations re morals and proper behavior. Your D is the only one who can control her own behavior and choices in life. We parents can only guide.</p>

<p>Regarding the aids test: It certainly is not the parents’ business. In fact, privacy laws protect against giving out medical info. The point about predicting that this is how the GF’s parents will behave in the future is right on. Re the young man talking to his mom about this: my S would have done the same. Once (at age 22) he was telling me about a conflict that he and his GF were having, and I tried to cut him off, saying, this really is your personal business, you should talk to your GF about this, but my S’s reply was: but Mom, I want your point of view as a woman, so I can better understand. I think it’s wonderful that your son is that communicative with his parents.</p>

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<p>OP- I think it makes sense that either you or your husband talk to the boy. I do think it might be good for the two of you to decide what course you want to take before that happens. Do you still allow your daughter to date him? Ride with him? If so, what kind of rules will you make so that you feel comfortable about her safety. What is the curfew? These kinds of decisions might be best made before the conversation. And your daughter should be aware of your decisions beforehand, as well. I sure don’t blame you for being uncomfortable. Maybe your daughter could be the one to drive if they do continue to date.</p>

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<p>The more I think about this test the more it strikes me as ill willed. I think it could be a trap. They might be hoping the young man does not take the test. Then they will impress on their daughter that he doesn’t love her enough, isn’t concerned about her, might have something to hide, yada, yada, yada.</p>

<p>But if does take the test then the tests will likely continue in some fashion or another. Again, I use the Jack Byrnes example. There will always be some measure of these parents expecting this young man to prove worthy of their daughter. Especially if they disapprove of him and are looking for ways to complicate their relationship.</p>

<p>It’s just too weird, intrusive, and out of line to think there are sincere motives behind it.</p>

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<p>Having a boy and girls, I would like to be called to let me know my son or daughter was out at 3am because that would have been against our rules. Its likely he was out without their knoweledge since its illegal for him to be out driving. We also arm our kids with the ability to say “no” about other situations by saying, “I can’t, you know how crazy my parents are”.</p>

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<p>You made the rules very clear to your daughter and her bf well ahead. The rules were broken, you have a right to be frustrated. However you handle this, I would highly discourage ‘forbidding’ them to date. I can almost guarantee this will not generate compliance/encourage responsible decision making, which is the ultimate goal. It will result in more rule breaking, and a relationship that will probably last far longer than it would if it simply ran it’s natural teenage course.</p>

<p>JMHO</p>

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<p>I haven’t read all of the posts so may be repeating. I have always been very careful about where my children spend the night, I always insist on meeting parents, and I would not let my kids sleep at a co-ed sleep-over. Having said that, I’m not sure any of my kids would have thought to call me at 3 AM given that the hosting parent OK’d this. While I don’t think that parent used good judgement, before I became too concerned I would try to find out specifically what the kids were doing from 3 AM on. Is it possible the hosting Mom stayed up with the kids and made breakfast??? I know it sounds silly, but I have been known to get up with kids and fix food in the middle of the night. Did the Mom go back to sleep and leave the kids alone?- then I would be upset. Yes your daughter should have known better, but honestly if this had happened to me in high school and the Mom at the house said it was OK, I would not have thought to call my Mom. (Of course this was a million years ago and I also would not have thought to do anything with my boyfriend in a friends house with her parents home!) If I were the boys parents, I would be upset that my 16 year old was driving around at 3AM just from the perspective of if something happened, I would not know where he was. I would hope that someone would tell me.</p>

<p>I would probably sit down with my D and her BF and talk to them to tell them why you are upset, and to find out what happened. I have 2 boys and 2 girls, and they are ALL hormone driven and not always known to use common sense or to think thru a situation thoroughly.</p>

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<p>I think they specifically invited kids that they felt are trustworthy and most likely to respect their home and behave appropriately. I believe they would supervise the kids as much as they could. I think the parents who okayed this really trust their children (and from what I know of these kids, their regard is well founded) and believe they would not take advantage of the family’s hospitality.</p>

<p>That said, we still didn’t have the comfort level with the situation. Even the best kids can make bad decisions, particularly when there is a group mentality working. In the end, we felt there was a very high chance that the kids would all behave and have a great time; we just didn’t want to go there. There would undoubtedly be repeat invitations and more other opportunities for similar excursions, so we decided to stick to our guns and not set that precedent.</p>