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<p>Yes. That’s why “trustworthy” isn’t relevant in this situation. The kids are dating, and probably shouldn’t be living together for a weekend.
(memories of myself, goody-two-shoes, at 16, with boyfriends)</p>
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<p>^^^^^Lol, ditto, moonchild.</p>
<p>“I think they specifically invited kids that they felt are trustworthy and most likely to respect their home and behave appropriately. I believe they would supervise the kids as much as they could. I think the parents who okayed this really trust their children (and from what I know of these kids, their regard is well founded) and believe they would not take advantage of the family’s hospitality.”</p>
<p>My dd’s have both been at overnights like this, and its just not conducive to having sex. Too many kids, not enough places to hide. If they want to have sex, they will have it when you are not home, at a friends house when those parents aren’t home, or in some other private situation.</p>
<p>When they get to college, that is when they seem to lose their minds. My daughter has been woken up by roommates having sex in the very same room !!! She says there is nothing more awkward than pretending you are asleep while your roommate is having sex. </p>
<p>I would be okay, and I was okay, with my kids being at coed overnighters where the parents were home and everyone was checked for alcohol before they came in.</p>
<p>My big fear was when they went out- would they drink? We talked about that so much that my kids got annoyed with me. Kids that age just don’t know their limits. I didn’t want my DD to get a DUI or hurt someone the very first time she decided to experiment with alcohol. They don’t know that they are drunk, or they are too drunk to care. </p>
<p>I know this sounds stupid, but they generally don’t die from having sex if they use protection. They do die when they are drunk. I’m scared to death of alcohol. It scares me more than anything else they might do.</p>
<p>Clearly the boys knew where the girls were whether the girls caled the boys or the boys simply showed up or if the entire thing was planned is not relevant. All three scenarios are totally plausible and lest moms of daughters don’t think girls call boys and invite them over you have your head in the sand about young girls these days. I think it was fine for the OP to call the host mom and tell her that she did not approve of what happened, but I’m not sure I wouldn’t have done the same thing. I would be worried that something would happen to one of the boys “leaving” our house knowing that none of them should have been driving after midnight and I’d probably be inclined to keep them at the house. Now as the host whether or not I would notify the boy parents I don’t know. Probably not. The conversation that needs to take place is between the OP and the daughter…not the OP and the boys involved unless I was very, very good friends with the boy’s mom and I thought she should know her son was out driving around and we had that type of relationship. </p>
<p>As far as the mom with the 18 year old being pressured to get tested for STDs, I’d leave the decision up to the son. I think it’s very presumptuous of the girl’s parents and I would be absolutely livid and most likely need to bit my tongue, but I’d leave the decision to the son.</p>
<p>spoton, I would advise my son to stall. It may not take long for the real reason for these tests to come out, and a breakup may follow that.</p>
<p>I agree, it sounds very weird for the parents to insist on this. If I did feel compelled to demand a test (unlikely in the extreme) I would discuss it with the other set of parents. These people are to be avoided, IMO.</p>
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<p>Technically, it wasn’t a co-ed sleepover because no one slept, right? It does sound like it was a festive night, and they didn’t want it to end. I’m not quite understanding why it’s something to punish the D over, although I do completely get why the OP is upset by the BF’s lack of judgment. </p>
<p>I agree, though, that it’s important to have a serious talk with the BF. Just him though, not with your D present. Whether it’s just your H, or the both of you will depend on what you think will be most effective. We had a very similar scenario – D was dating a boy who was a good kid but needed some reining in. We’re talking about partying-type behavior here, not sex (that, we talked directly to our D). H had a very stern talk with the boy about expectations and responsibility. Put a little fear in him, just to let him know we were watching and were NOT in a tolerating mood.</p>
<p>When kids are 16 and 17 years of age and are in a relationship with someone for a period of a few months, they will probably be sexually active. I would never permit a co-ed sleepover in my house and I did not like the idea of a sleepover in anyones house. We live in a great town where many parents are traveling for business or taking short weekend trips and their houses often become the party place for the weekend. In my opinion parents have an obligation to their own children, and to others, to provide supervision in the home if they are away for the night, the weekend, or for a week. If kids are at home than parents should be home to ensure that it does not turn into something that could cause some of the problems that our town has experienced. </p>
<p>I do have a question though for the parents of 16, 17, and 18 year olds who still attend highschool…at what age would you be O.K with girls and boys hanging out together in a parents house for the night?</p>
<p>M-3, I think that’s a tough thing to generalize.</p>
<p>My oldest always had a boyfriend, for some reason. It’s just the way she is. She’s 20 now and in a relationship that started her senior year in highschool. Before that, she had the same boyfriend starting with freshman year. (They are still very good freinds, in fact)…So, for her, we had our concerns…particularly sophomore year, when we felt she was too young to be in this relationship, as great as the guy was, and had a lot of curfew and supervision. Fortunately, the boy’s parents were on the same page as us, so we colluded. ;)…though, to be honest, even her freshman year, I got her on protection.</p>
<p>With my second D, she has a LOT of boy friends…the friend variety. She was a tomboy growing up, an athlete, and she is just as likely to be texting and laughing with a friend who is a guy as a girl. She is just as likely to be downtown hanging out with the guys on the rare occaison she doesn’t have practice as with the girls. For her, to say no “co ed” sleepovers is really eliminating a large number of her friends. When she went to homecoming this year, the group she went with was a group put together by her guy friends…and she just went with one of the guys, but it’s not “romantic,” and she was the only girl there who would have been there even if she’d decided she wanted to bring a guy they didn’t know. It was her group, as much as his, if you know what I mean.</p>
<p>I just think it depends on the kid, in these special dance circumstance things…But, just in general? I don’t think high school students need to be having that kind of situation…it puts them in a situation they probably don’t even want to try to manage. it’s easier for all concerned to just keep them supervised. Then it can be “your” fault, and it lets them off the hook.</p>
<p>^^ agree it depends on the kid. IMHO there really isn’t a one-size-fits-all parenting style, which of course makes it all much more difficult! Especially since parenting individual children correctly may not be allowing the same activities to all – which will naturally be seen as unfair by the sibs.</p>
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<p>By the time mine were this age, we had very few rules, because I felt I could depend on their judgement. Luck, pure luck! lol Once I heard one on the phone explaining his very unreasonable parents just wouldn’t allow him to go to what seemed to me a very unexceptional event. Off the phone he said I just didn’t even want to know what was up there. My point is that we have much less control than we imagine, even doing everything right and the best we possibly can.</p>
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<p>That’s why kids should get used to alcohol use at home, so they know the effects, know their limits, and it isn’t such a big mystery (or tempting sin).</p>
<p>Everyone has their own feelings and rules on this. A good part is often driven culturally. If you or your spouse is from a country where the drinking age is younger, or the norm is to have wine at holidays as a teen, then you are more likely to continue this tradition.</p>
<p>Ours have specifically shown a disinterest. My H’s heritage is as described above, which frankly is out of my comfort zone, but it hasn’t been an issue. My twist was they were offered a traditional shot of schnapps at christmas at 16. IMO it is nasty, nasty stuff. They thought so too. End of story.</p>
<p>I have warned my 19yo, and 17yo who do not drink, if you can’t taste the alcohol, if it looks and tastes like kool aid, by the time you feel it you are way too far gone.</p>
<p>There have been multiple alcohol related auto accidents and deaths in their high school… way too many, that have shook the student body and raised a decent amount of awareness. Will they choose differently because of it? Some will, some won’t. Most of all it has opened parents eyes that these are conversations that need to be had. They can not stick their head in the sand. Their students safety is their ultimate concern and the ‘safe ride home from a parent with no questions asked’ must always, always be on the table, for them or their friends. No questions, no judgements, no ratting out friends.</p>
<p>i have always had the same policy with my kids - call me and i will get you and whomever you are with, anytime, anywhere, no questions asked. no ratting on anyone. safety is my concern. please do not drink, but if you do, heaven knows do not drive, or get in a car with anyone - you can not assess whether the driver is sober or not if you’ve been drinking. stay put. answer your cell phone always if i call. and, if you want wine at home with dinner, that’s fine. ditto beer, after age 15 or so.</p>