My S25 was denied from his favorite school and is pretty bummed. He knew the odds were not great and was realistic, but knowing that ahead of time and dealing with the actual rejection are two different things. For those who have been through this, what did you do that helped your kid?
S25 is fortunate to have some great options (a few we have toured and a few we have not, due to distance), but he is not excited about these schools (yet?). I think if he saw them at accepted student days, he might feel a bit better and more interested, but I’m not sure how hard to push for traveling when kid seems ambivalent.
I went through this myself (many years ago!) and remember the awful feeling of rejection from the #1, but I don’t remember what got me excited about the school I ended up attending. I know that perhaps there is nothing I as a parent can do to make things better, but I’m also trying to avoid doing things that make the situation worse. Any ideas? Thanks in advance.
I think a big thing is to allow the disappointment to be felt for a day or two (perhaps until the weekend following is over). And then, y’know, start talking about the options that are still open, and doing a bit of parent research to ask questions about fun things that are on campus at the other options to remind them there’s still a fun college opportunity ahead, it’s just going to look a little different than previously thought.
Just give it time. If they just got the rejection, school this week will be a minefield of kids that got into their dream schools, those still waiting and those that can commiserate. Hopefully, within a short time, he can start looking at the social media of the schools he has been accepted to and start to get excited.
Depending on how much he loved his favorite, this could take a while. You can’t rush it - he needs to accept that whatever he imagined for college will be different in reality.
Then, in a week or two, plan some accepted student days. If you can afford it, return to the schools that you’ve already visited. They woo hard on these days, and it’s important for him to feel the love of the places that accepted him. Once he’s made a decision (and it might not be until April 30 - don’t rush him!) buy yourself some swag. He needs to see that you are proud and happy with the school he’s going to.
The vast majority of kids love their school, and he almost certainly will too. But he’s just not there yet.
(And note to future parents reading this - always register for an accepted students day to a school your kid got into early, BEFORE they hear from their reaches! This way you have something already on the books to be excited and it doesn’t feel like a consolation prize. You can always cancel.)
I love this thread. it’s a tough moment for sure!
Some language that has proven helpful for disappointments in our home:
You did your part. Your job was to make yourself part of the conversation, and I think we both feel confident you did that. What they did with that is really out of our control. But you showed up, you made it really clear what you were offering, and you made yourself very admissible if they were looking for someone like you. Your job isn’t to guess what they need or want, but to make it really easy for them to say yes if they want your profile. You did your job extremely well.
I’ll add that we also talk about the whole process in terms of “knowing what you bring to the picnic.” So knowing yourself, and knowing what you bring to the party is key (in life, I believe, not just college admissions). And so you show up with your very clearly-communicated picnic basket and you walk around the park and find the school that wants your picnic basket to join their party. so the ONLY “failure” is 1. not doing the work of making your picnic basket truly represent you, or 2. not doing the work of making the picnic basket crystal clear to the ones peeking in and deciding if they want your basket to join their party. (Do NOT make the admissions people have to become a sleuth to put together the narrative of your picnic basket for you – they don’t have that kind of time. You need to do that. ).
It is amazing how much easier it is to live with rejection if we feel super good about how we curated and communicated our picnic basket. It stings, BUT it doesn’t also come with the “oh but what ifs…” that can linger in our heads and hearts for a very long time.
so that is our approach – it’s actually making sure the picnic basket is done right, and that it is truly a reflection of the deepest most amazing parts of the applicant. :). Rejections are much easier to move past, even the ones that truly rip apart someone’s dreams that felt SO CERTAIN and SO RIGHT. (been there more than once in our household over the years for sure…).
What we personally do NOT find helpful is any version of toxic positivity such as “everything happens for a reason” or “trust the process” or “you weren’t meant to go there.” Another unhelpful approach is to immediately push another school. A little space and time does wonders. And then…gentle nudges into other schools have been helpful, BUT it’s an art determining how long to let the moping go. :).
Another thought to add:
as a parent, my job is also to lower the stakes for my kid. At 17, they truly believe this is a MAJOR decision that will determine their entire life. So, my gentle approach is also to keep the spirit that this is just the first step out on the path, and that we can change our paths in life. If the school isn’t the right fit, you can pivot and change. If the major isn’t the right fit, you can change majors, or just enter a different field after graduation. I feel like society loves to make all these decisions so HIGH STAKES, when honestly…life is long. We can do many different things. I got rejected by a dream school at 17 that offered me admission to grad school years later. I earned a bachelors degree in one thing and pivoted to another thing entirely. And then 15 years later, I did it again. And now I’m in grad school for a second masters, and ALL of my experiences are finding a place in my life today. Honestly, I chose the “wrong” undergrad. And I’m fine and happy and successful and it’s all just totally great. So, the stakes are lower than the 17 year old thinks. (communicating that, though, requires more of a general attitude approach, NOT a direct “hey this really doesn’t matter” because it really DOES matter deeply to our kids. And we don’t want to minimize or dismiss the societal pressure and self-pressure they are under in this. )
I still remember back in the day when I was rejected by my dream college (it was realistic for me), I cried non stop for 24 hours, did not come out of my room for 7 days, declared to my parents that I don’t want to study any further.
I use to fantasize studying there and enjoying the campus from the beginning of my high school, and I put in all the effort I could.
Anyhow, I ended up going to my second choice, had a GREAT time, had a great career, made life long friends, and don’t regret a bit.
But, not going to lie, that rejection—stings to this day! I still shed a tear or two when I think of the heartbreak I went through.
Hug your kid. Tell him you are with him no matter what. That him you will support whatever he decides. Tell him you can imagine what he’s going through. Give him time. Let him come out of this at his own pace—he will, I promise you.
I am personally a huge believer in this mantra and say it all the time. I find it incredibly reassuring to know that, at some point, the reason will be clear. It’s far from toxic, IMO. Only one of my kids was a little disappointed with her college results, and in fact, it ended up being great for her.
The “reason” she didn’t get in to her top choice is more clear to her as she gets older. In fact, she ended up in a grad school program at a place she viewed as a thousand times better than the top choice back in the day. Had the top choice happened, maybe her path would have been different. It’s impossible to know. But at least for her, my daughter found it helpful to think that she would eventually know there was a reason she didn’t get in: that school wasn’t meant to guide her on her path.
But not everyone feels that way and that is the problem with telling others that statement standalone. If it works for you, in your own mindset that is fabulous, fantastic. It still may not be the right thing to hear for all people.
There are bad things that happened in my life that just suck. There is no reason. There never will be. Even if, sometimes, I can see something positive came out of it, that wasn’t “the reason” the bad thing happened. The bad thing still sucks. It also implies some sort of higher power or pre-ordained plan, looking at it from many angles.
That said, I think saying to someone “For me, I have found everything has happened for a reason in my life” is not putting responsibility on the sad/hurt party but explaining your experience. That seems less of an issue…
Trying to rationalize a rejection feels like rubbing salt over a fresh wound. Especially when done by someone else trying to console you.
For someone going through a real heartbreak over a college decision (or anything else for that matter), I’ll just hold their hands, and say nothing. They will rationalize it themselves over time based on their own experiences and value system. No judgements.
When I was rejected, if someone would have told me that it’s for your larger good, or that college isn’t that great anyways, it would have made matters worse for me.
Thankfully my dad knew what it meant for me to be in that college. He sat with me, cried with me, spoke very less, let me speak my heart out. And eventually we came out of it. Love my dad to this date for how he helped me come out of it by saying little but just standing by me like a rock.
Yes @L_NewEngland that’s a big piece of it. Sometimes things just suck, and the fact that we can pivot and make beauty from the sucky thing speaks to resilience, versus a “magical” force that the world is just going to be fair and work out in our favor.
My mom dying by suicide did not “happen for a (good) reason” that I feel any obligation to accept as being “for the best.” Of course, I did grow and learn from it, and her death has sprouted forth many great things in my life, and in the world.
Another “problem” with “everything happens for a reason” in the college application space is that this implies that one kid was “meant” to get their dream school, while another kid wasn’t. So I’m “meant” to go to Harvard, but sorry kid…you just weren’t meant for your dream…it’s all for the best really, just trust me on this, as I put on my crimson and gold sweatshirt. :).
I’ll add that I do happen to come at this from a place of faith that all things can be used for good, which actually does NOT support “everything happens for a reason” thinking. (For more on that, I would refer to the amazing theologian Kate Bowler’s book called “Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved.”)
Finally, I’ll also say: hey if an idea gives someone comfort, then who am I to say it’s not the right vibe? I’m all for you leaning into what works for you and your family, @Lindagaf!
Soooo…… back to topic OP, let him be sad and validate his feelings because it won’t last. Most of these kids are remarkably resilient, and when the other admission offers come in, he’ll be fine. He obviously worked hard in school and on his applications and has every right to grieve. Right or wrong, many kids target a “dream school“. We as adults know that’s not always the best thing, but they are learning this process. Hugs to him and you.
(been there more than once in our household over the years for sure…).