Parenting your parents

Parent Cafe
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<p>I love my mom. But i don’t know if I can handle another ten to fifteen years more of living with us. Now I know we are to take care of our parents, but in generations past it wasn’t for decades. With parents living longer, and having medical, financial and emotional issues, how is our generation handling it? My mom is 73 has been living with us for ten years, and likely it will be another ten. That’s longer than I lived with her. In generations past, the average person didn’t liveninto their 80s.</p>

<p>My mom is a vibrant but needy lady who sadly doesn’t have friends except for us. And yes I have tried, suggested, taken, etc., but to no avail. </p>

<p>I see my friends, the women, dealing with moms, motherinlaws, and the dementia, blindness, neurosis, hips, etc. </p>

<p>Last night we ended up in the emergency room because my mother used some lotion on herself, someone she read about online, and shenhad a terrible reaction. I had been trying for weeks to get her into the doctor. But she stubbornly decided to read online how to fix it and then just read enough to make everything worse. It was the not taking my suggestions, and hearing my concerns, but having to do it her way. </p>

<p>I’m only 51 and I feel terrible even saying it, but I am starting to see my future and sadly it wont be freeing. I have a friend who sounds her days off shuttling her mother to appointments, seeing her at the nursing home, unable to take any real time off formvacations with her husband, etc, as she beds to be there for her 85 year old mom, and she has been doing it for at least eight years so far, and this was after having her mom live with them for fifteen years. </p>

<p>I hope by the time I’m old there will be more support, better systems in place, more co op and other housing options, etc. It seems it’s either alone, kids houses, or nursing home. We need something in between. Like dorms.</p>

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<p>I recently went through this transition with my parents and posted my questions here:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1194287-help-me-help-my-elderly-parents-move.html?highlight=help+me[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1194287-help-me-help-my-elderly-parents-move.html?highlight=help+me&lt;/a&gt;
Luckily my folks were determined to save enough money so they would be able to move together to a CCRC. They have settled in nicely and have already made lots of friends. That would be my primary concern with your mom. Why hasn’t she made any friends? Is there a senior center nearby where she could socialize?</p>

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<p>what a great idea!</p>

<p>Dorms, with a cafeteria situation, and a staff to provide “outings.”</p>

<p>I think there may be a business opportunity in there for you.</p>

<p>Do you have any siblings who help you out?</p>

4

<p>We moved into our home in the summer of 2002. In Nov my in-laws moved into the parent’s suite we’d purposefully planned in this house. We thought it was for their first winter “snowbirding” with us. My MIL had Parkinson’s and my FIL, who we thought was a robust man who’d outlive her by years, began to have headaches and trouble reasoning (a former engineer). Anyway, long and short of it, he had brain cancer (two tumors found and operated on in March) and passed away by Easter. MIL remained with us until she died. My parents were 20 years younger, early sixties … and my mom was suffering from early onset alzheimer’s. My dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I drove back and forth caring for them for awhile until I put my foot down and told Dad he had to move in with us and be treated here. He died a few months later. Mom remained my fulltime responsibility in my home until she died two years after that. For about 8 years we were consumed with the care of our parents and their illnesses so I totally get the OP’s feelings. I was in my early 40’s at the time, and especially with my mom (whom I loved dearly) … well, if you’ve taken care of someone with Alzheimer’s, you understand the 24/7 job that it is … and I wondered at times how I would make it. Thankfully, we could pay for respite relief for times I felt as though the sleeping bag zipper was stuck and I couldn’t get out and breathe. I’ve discovered it’s a very very personal decision how families go through these times, and I pray for grace for anyone who’s dealing with it. Solutions are not one size fits all, that’s for sure. </p>

<p>zebes</p>

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<p>I hear ya. My 83yo father fell a couple of weeks ago and got a concussion that put him in the hospital overnight. His mobility was limited and mental faculties impaired, and we’re at the hold-your-breath stage to see whether he’ll fully recover. So far so good. He seems to be improving every day. We bought him one of those lift recliners, so that helps physically.</p>

<p>My mom, who is 79, is the one who I’m really more worried about. She’s always been high-strung, and the stress and worry are making it worse. She’s getting lots of things flat-out wrong. Thankfully, I have two siblings in town who are helpful to varying degrees, but they’re doing the heavy lifting right now so I’m not going to complain too much.</p>

<p>I know it sounds awful, but I always figured my dad, especially, would go quickly – a heart attack, a hunting accident. I really don’t want to see my dad waste away. My family is very opposed to nursing homes, and we’ve already had the home health care people over to evaluate and, hopefully, get him some PT and OT. They offered someone to help my mother cook and clean, but that’s not what she needs. She wants someone to sleep over so that they can help her should he fall again and so she can get a decent night’s sleep. Right now, we have a family member spending the night every night with them because at night my mom THINKS she isn’t sleeping and the truth is she’s out like a light. Early on, my dad got dressed and went outside to look for something in his truck and she slept right through it!</p>

<p>Good luck to us all.</p>

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<p>My mom is 83 and lives alone in a home she has owned for 20+ years. She took a reverse mortgage a couple of years ago to give herself more cash and get out from under house payments. She gets by on a small pension, social security, and some savings/investments, although they may run out before she does. She has medicare and an Advantage plan that takes care of most of her medical expenses. She still drives, and for the most part, manages her life fairly well with minor health issues- some disc/back problems that cause some pain, but it’s managed. She likes living alone and socializes some with the neighbors and with folks she meets dog-walking. She will rarely even stay over one night at our house for holidays, etc, unless we really insist. If she ever needed a lot of extra help, we would probably hire someone to live in with her to prepare meals or whatever care she would require. I can’t see her ever wanting to leave her home. She has a real stubborn, know-it-all personality that lends itself to being happiest living alone. ;)</p>

<p>My MIL lives in a retirement community an hour from us that has a lot of support for the elderly, both social and medical. She has a small, two bedroom condo that she and my FIL bought before he died and lives on his pension and some social security. She’s happy there, at 91. She also drives- usually goes out to lunch on her own to an inexpensive coffee shop each day during the week, does her own marketing and has someone come in twice a month to clean and do laundry. Because this is a retirement community, she is able to meet people and have a bit of a social life, even though most of her good friends have gone. Up until a few years ago, she worked part-time at the community’s golf club breakfast counter.<br>
I consider us very lucky- both moms are very independent ol’coots. :wink: and are still sharp mentally. We make a point of seeing them a couple of times a month, and include them in all of our family holiday plans.
The pensions, and paid-for homes that my middle-class parents are fortunate to have seem to be something that only a privileged few may have in the future. I’m also aware that living in SoCAl, a lot of the difficulties of living are minimized because our weather is ideal most of the time. It makes everything easier.</p>

7

<p>Seahorses, there ARE dorms! Assisted Living facilities provide meals, housekeeping & laundry, transportation, supervision, emergency intervention, and LOTS of socializing. This is in addition to assistance with the tasks of daily living which we do without thinking – dressing, bathing, etc. – assistance which allows our parents to continue to have a dignified relationship with their loved ones.</p>

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<p>My 81 yo father knows that he wants to move into assisted living near me…he’s even picked out the place. But getting him go through the hassle of moving (selling old place, getting rid of junk, etc.) has been a major stumbling block. I feel for you…and not to be a Debbie Downer but she could live another 20 years. </p>

<p>Can she afford an active adult community?</p>

9

<p>I think a big shift is that when they are very old, the making of “new friends” among seniors pales in comparison to the friendships they knew for decades. </p>

<p>We’re trying to support my Mom in social situations to simply engage lightly with other people around her and not expect so darn much from them. It is not working very well. She finds them shallow. She knows how to do the small talk but it rings hollow for her. The more authentic and intelligent relationships she has are with her own family. That’s where the trust resides.</p>

<p>I understand when OP says that her Mom puts all the expectations on her adult children to create an interesting day. We’ve had to accept a lot more isolation that we’d ever have expected from someone who had many friends over the years. Fortunately she still reads and visits the library to borrow many books. That was her social solution when she was 8 years old, too. If you can reach back and find what it was she liked as a child - whether it’s nature, pets, books - maybe that can be built back up into some hobby, for time when she can occupy herself better solo. We’re just out of breath “encouraging” her to socialize more. Not gonna happen.</p>

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<p>My mom is a vibrant lady who is somewhat of a homebody, but who does go out movies, museums, walkning my dogs etc. She just had no interest in senior programs, guess she feels too old or too young. She drives but doesn’t have the energy she used to. Part of it is not sleeping well and some minor health issues that seem to always get worse when theyndont need to. She does have a nice nest egg for a home if it comes to that. We live in the bay area and good inexpensive places for seniors to live are not really available for people in her situation. One place my friend tried to place her mom who has dementia and is almost blind told her that it’s almost easier to get her in if she broke a hip. My mil lived with her son and his wife for 26 years. And it was not always pretty.</p>

<p>We just do what we have to do.</p>

<p>I’m going to investigate the dorm idea! Each dorm would have a social worker, a nurse and a social planner. A kind of halfway program for seniors. Even if we xould just sent them there for a week at a time every couple of months…</p>

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<p>“I think a big shift is that when they are very old, the making of “new friends” among seniors pales in comparison to the friendships they knew for decades.”</p>

<p>Yes, that is VERY tough. Since my folks have lived all over the country, my Mom is used to pulling up roots and finding new friends. I was gratified this Sunday, when I called my Mom to chat, she said:“Gotta run, a couple of my girl friends want me to come over to drink a glass of chardonnay before dinner.” My Dad is a little more critical of others and doesn’t enjoy small talk, but is happy as long as Mom is happy.</p>

<p>Seahorserock—there are no CCRC’s nearby? (independent living combined with assisted care)</p>

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<p>Problem with some of e assisted living is they are filled with really old people!!! And they can be uber expensive and if you have any savings, poof, it’s gone. The places where we live have five year wait lists…</p>

<p>Paying3, that exactly it!!! </p>

<p>Anyway, it’s good to have the support and my friends and I are al going thru this in different degrees. I asked a friend how it was goingnwith her very passive aggressive mother in law…my friend said the Prozac prescription helped her a lot, my friend,not the mil…when they were finally able to get her into assisted living, they had a big party. I think that it was his mom can create other dynamics. Anyway, my friend is so much happier, the stress was so tough day to day.</p>

<p>I count my blessing that my mom and husband get along great, though i do warn him not to ask about this or that or talk politics certain days.</p>

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<p>There are some places but very tough to get into, long wait lists, etc…eh, when the time comes, I’ll live in a dorm and move a pretty nurse in here, both mom and dh will be happy!!!</p>

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<p>One thing I will never do is bad mouth a convalescent hospital or assisted living situation.
My sister in law, who loves my mother in law dearly, threatens her daily about using a cane because if she falls she is going to be in a convalescent hospital! Probably true…whether she uses a cane or not, so stop making the places sound like HELL!</p>

<p>I am glad my grandmother paved the way for our family by living in an assisted living home. She loved it! She did the fresh flowers on the dinner tables everyday. She did fall eventually and wound up in a convalescent hospital, and then died from the complications of the fall. But she showed us all that life changes can be okay!</p>

<p>My dad died at home last year, and my mom still lives in a senior community nearby. But she is all for the assisted living option when the time comes! I tell everyone AL is like a cruise ship without the seasickness!
I suggest never getting stuck on one living option as we grow old. Circumstances change…financially and physically that may not allow you to do what you want.</p>

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<p>We feel the same way, it is incredibly stressful to be the only entertainment for someone. I know that when you are in your 80s the number of healthy, mobile people with their mental faculties has really shrunk, but it also seems that our parents are not really willing to stretch. </p>

<p>My mother moved in with us a few years ago, she is not from this area, so no friends to begin, but also almost no interest in making friends. There is a part time neighbor who is the same age and all I heard was everything that is wrong with her!</p>

<p>The other sad part is that healthy 80+ year olds in the area mostly have lived here for years and do have a core of friends, they are not that interested in making new friends :(</p>

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<p>This, too, is so true.</p>

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<p>Internet? My 90 y.o. FIL keeps up with friends by email and video chat. When a person is that old, has less mobility and has lost many friends, at least the internet allows them to keep in touch with their old friends who are still alive, even if they live far away.</p>

<p>Very happily, FIL is still mentally sharp, cheerful and living independently.</p>

<p>I suppose some seniors don’t go online. It can be a very good resource if they are open to it, though.</p>

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<p>Seahorsesrock, if I understand what you’re saying, your mother has been living with you since she was 63 years old. Were there health or financial reasons for her to move in with you when she was still at an age when many seniors are employed and fully independent? I work in senior services, and this seems extremely early to me to give up independent living. No wonder you’re burning out. Did she always expect you to care for her from what people in my field consider an early age?

As other posters have said, there are already many other options. Independent living combined with assistive care situations have many gradations, depending upon the providers. Nursing home, or long-term care, is the most costly option, and is not something most elderly ever need. Is there a town or county department of aging services near you? Please contact them to learn about the many options your mother actually does have.</p>

<p>The clean, secure and well-maintained independent senior apartments in our town cost between $400 and $750 per month, depending on income, and include utilities, social activities, and weekly bus transportation to the grocery store. A 900-foot studio apartment in a nearby senior care complex costs $1600 per month, but includes meals, utilities, transportation to medical and social appointments, 24-hour staffing, housekeeping and laundry, a fitness room, etc. Yes, that’s a lot of money. YMMV, but I would gladly tap into my own savings to have my mother or ILs here, if the need arose.</p>

<p>You say she is vibrant but has no friends other than you and your family; also that she has refused your attempts to involve her with people her own age. You deserve to enjoy your own late middle age. It may be difficult, but I encourage you to decide what you need to be happy, and carve out the space you want for yourself. It’s kind to care for needy elderly parents, but that does not have to mean sacrificing your own privacy, well-being, or every bit of energy and free time. If nothing else, I hope you’ll look into respite care programs, which are short stays in either independent senior apartments or assisted living facilities, so that you can count on occasional vacations to revitalize yourself.</p>

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<p>Frazzled, if only $1600 was a lot of money. Yesterday I went with a friend to investigate an independent senior living complex for her parents. We live in the metropolitan NY area. The price quoted was almost $6,000/month for a 2 bedroom unit with no kitchen, only microwave and small, dorm style refrigerator. Yes, everything you mentioned was included, but this place was clearly set up for single people (read widows), because the bedrooms were so small only a twin bed would fit comfortably. Also, the price was for one person, the second person was $1,000/month additional. Mind you, this was a lovely facility, but nothing I would call extravagant or sumptuous. The bathrooms were old, had some cracked tiles, and did not even have raised height toilets. I was flabbergasted.</p>

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<p>Some people have noted that living on a cruise ship can be less expensive than living in a (land-based) assisted living home, with similar levels of service.</p>

<p>[Cruise</a> Ships: A Different Way to Retire - Cheaper than nursing homes?and much more entertaining | Silver Planet](<a href=“http://www.silverplanet.com/lifestyles/retirement-living/cruise-ships-different-way-retire/46559]Cruise”>http://www.silverplanet.com/lifestyles/retirement-living/cruise-ships-different-way-retire/46559)
[Cruise</a> Ship Care: A Proposed Alternative to Assisted Living Facilities - Lindquist - 2004 - Journal of the American Geriatrics Society - Wiley Online Library](<a href=“http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1532-5415.2004.52525.x/abstract]Cruise”>http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1532-5415.2004.52525.x/abstract)</p>

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<p>It makes me a little teary just reading this thread. It’s such a dilemma on what to do with elderly mother who won’t be told what to do. My dad died almost 4 years ago and my mom is so lonely it’s painful to be around her. She refuses to take anti-depressants and lives in an enormous place with so many stairs. She won’t consider moving and I’m noticing more and more worrying things. She was an immaculate housekeeper, but the place is starting to look cluttered and unkept, and now I’m worried about her diet and if she’s eating well. SHe told me about her $50 heating bill last month and I’m afraid she isn’t even keeping her heat on. I live over 4 hrs away, though my brother and sister live in town. I have an inlaw suite and I had to make the painful decision to not have her live with us. I hate to say this because I will sound so selfish, but I would probably end up divorced and miserable if she lived with us. She also wants to be entertained, and she’s very limited with her mobility, plus depression, and her general negative outlook on life. She won’t make a different choice and I already told her I will be so mad at her if I get a call in the middle of the night that she fell down the stairs. She tells me she’s careful, but I just tell her nobody plans to have an accident. It’s why they’re not called on purposes.</p>

<p>My vow - I will find a place that is suitable for us to live as we get older and establish ourselves making new friends and doctors, etc. It’s heartbreaking as they lose their spouses and long time friends.</p>