Parenting your parents

Parent Cafe
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eyemamom, it’s not selfish to choose to preserve your marriage and your own mental health. I don’t believe that seniors necessarily become more self-centered as they age, but some do. It saddens me when they refuse to see the impact their choices have on their children and grandchildren. I think many just don’t realize the consequences their kids will have to face if the senior falls and becomes immobile, injures someone in a car accident because they’re unwilling to give up driving, creates problems in a marriage by expecting to come first in their child’s life, etc.</p>

<p>My husband’s grandmother was impossibly negative for the last 25 years of her life. She’d been an awful mother, and I think my MIL hoped that she’d finally hear her mother say “I love you” if she gave her a home. Never happened. There was so much ugliness and frustration in the house, from every inhabitant, that we finally stopped visiting. Living with an elderly parent can work - I’ve seen wonderful examples of it. But that happens when the senior makes a positive contribution to the family.</p>

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<p>Bookmarking this thread…
Thanks for the very frank discussion. My own parents died before I was married. My in-laws are currently draining us emotional and financially. Ugh…
I will NOT do this to my children.</p>

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<p>Somemom: I think our mom’s are related ;)</p>

<p>As an only child, I am “it” for my mom, but that isn’t new as she’s never had a large circle of friends (she is the world’s biggest grudge keeper.) She is 81 and while I’ve toyed with the idea of getting her an iPad, the reality is that she can’t work a VCR or DVD player and for the first year we lived here, I got at least 1 phone call daily because the TV didn’t work (because she changed the channel from 3 on the TV, instead of on the cable box.) She doesn’t drive, won’t go to the senior center, insists that the woman at the county wide transportation center “doesn’t like her” because they canceled on her twice so now she won’t even call. However, everyone at the doctor’s offices & stores adore her because she’s a great acquaintance; she buys engagement presents for the cashiers at the supermarket & makes desserts for the nurses. </p>

<p>She will never live in my house. I’m sorry but I couldn’t handle that & I wouldn’t want my family to deal with her AND with me if I had her 24/7. I’ve had her with me for a few nights at a time when she was recovering from things & frankly we both have enough of each other; it works both ways. Too much time together & we become each others own personal dementors. </p>

<p>I have a number of good friends dealing with the same things & we’ve all started coming up with lists of things that our next homes will have to have: one story living, access to good public transportation, near a major medical center, better than average senior services, etc.</p>

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<p>Eyemom…look into a chairlift for your mom… we bought one for my mom and its great.
We’re in the same boat here. Mom lives in our basement which we had built just for her. Everything raised and wider doorways. No nearby support system. Good thing my hubby gets along with my mom or we would have been divorced by now!</p>

<p>Mom has been living with us for 11 years…wow…some days it feels like forever and other days have been great. We both take turns carting her to doc appts and we’re looking into the cost of home aid in the future. AL is 3,000 per month not counting the assistance! That will cost an extra 700-1800 per month depending on the level of care.</p>

<p>No near relatives to help either. Although, when my sister came to visit she wasn’t much help anyway. Never offered to get mom in and out of the bathroom when we were in public or other little things. One of the good things is that mom has a very active social calendar. Spends a lot of time at the library…she meets other quilters or crafters there and they sit around quilting, crocheting. Recently mom had 6 people show up asking for her help. She’s teaching them how to quilt. She’s in 7 the heaven…talking about her students!</p>

<p>We are taking a vacation this summer though…going to take the whole family to Hawaii for 10 days. Hopefully it won’t be too stressful! I’ve been reading about tandem skydiving and ultralight lights…I plan on doing that for me. ;)</p>

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Like ‘lasma’ I was also going to suggest an Assisted Living Facility. These facilities are much less expensive than a skilled nursing facility or other kind of nursing home. They’re not cheap but one tends to only pay for the ‘assistance’ one needs at many of them - i.e. many have people who need no assistance at all and are ‘independently living’ but when they need or want extra assistance with medications, mobility, incontinence, etc. they can get it (but with a cost). They’re also in a facility not so much ‘filled with old people’ as much as filled with their own peers who probably have a lot in common with them since they’ve lived in the same era. These are people they can play bridge with, workout with, see a movie with, etc. They also usually have shuttles that regularly take the residents to the grocery, drug store, doctor appointments, and fun excursions.</p>

<p>It’s more of a target rich environment for potential friends than if the elderly parent stays in the home with the kid which seems to already be recognized as a problem.</p>

<p>At the most basic level they’re like an apartment complex but with meals included plus a lot of other people in her own age group she’d have a lot in common with and as a plus they can get the extra assistance they might need when they need it.</p>

<p>Another option - if the cost is too high and your mom is open to having a roomie ala the dorm style you want, then if she can find someone else similar to her they could share a room at an assisted living facility and reduce the costs considerably (but have to tolerate each other which will likely end up being a problem).</p>

<p>I recently checked out a bunch of assisted living places in my area and was pleasantly surprised by how nice many of them are. I found a couple that I would have said no way to but others were quite decent. I also found a number with available openings and some that happened to be more full but with openings coming up frequently. There are some that require a big ‘buy in’ which I dismissed but the majority were month to month types of rentals.</p>

<p>I think you should check them out more if not for right now then so you have a better idea of your options should she decide to do this later. And make sure you don’t let her use the term ‘institution’ which has negative connotations which don’t apply anyway. I think a common thought among the people at these places is that they wish they’d have moved to one earlier than they did.</p>

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<p>^^^We have two independent senior facilities in our town that are a step above a senior apartment complex (which my mom lived in when we lived in another state) because they include meals and housekeeping. No nursing care whatsoever. My mom refused to consider them after we toured because she refuses to eat on someone else’s schedule. She is a night owl and doesn’t get up till mid morning. She’s now giving me a hard time if I schedule her dr’s appts too early, which I’ve had to push back on because although I am approved for FMLA for her care, I try to book appts early or late so that I can still work that day. </p>

<p>When your world get smaller, sometimes you try to hypercontrol that what you still can.
My friends & I all loved the idea of those apartments though. No cooking & cleaning; sign me up.</p>

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<p>Maybe this can become like the Say It Here thread. We can come here and vent because we all know we’re really not awful people.</p>

<p>Thankfully, we got all the doctors to agree that my dad can’t drive for at least XX weeks. We got each doctor to tell him progressively longer, up to six weeks, but my dad internalized the msg and said he can’t drive for THREE MONTHS. Fine with me. He had become a menace on the road.</p>

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<p>I am in San Francisco bay area, so choices are few. Now it’s tolerable having mom here, she has her own in law apartment in our garage area. But last night I saw my future.</p>

<p>We are her social life. And like someone said, thereis always something wrong with people!!! She hasn’t seen a movie she liked in two years.</p>

<p>We aren’t ready for assisted living, yet…just wish she had friends beside me.</p>

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<p>She sounds cranky!! Where do the cranky people go in SF? I mean, there ought to be a club for people who just want to see movies and pick at them, act like Clint Eastwood to glower at their neighbors, rant about prices to storekeepers who can’t help it. </p>

<p>Short of that, you might just have to limit how many hours you hang out with her. One of my brothers (the less patient of the two) has begun to simply excuse himself and leave the room when it’s getting too much for him. He’s learned to say it calmly, and he recharges and returns to do another outing with her some days later. </p>

<p>Your Mom might actually modify her behavior if she hears an excuse line that indicates you are closing down the activity because you need a break from her negative conversation. You can say that. I think you’re putting up with a lot and have the right to call a boundary, end an evening earlier than planned with her. Say why. Don’t suffer in silnece. All that’s in addition to the getaways others are suggesting, which I agree with also.</p>

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<p>In the beginning it was tougher but now I just shrug. She’s a good person, but yeah cranky…i don’t take it personally, that’s the trick</p>

<p>And taking mom out once a week or so to something I like, this Sunday it’s a vintage fashion fair. </p>

<p>And it helps she thanks us for letting her live with us. I know she does really appreciate it, and it’s kinda like having a teen back in the house, withoutnworryng about wild parties</p>

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<p>Living in a place with stairs may actually help preserve one’s health longer (more exercise), but becomes more of an impediment if one actually does become disabled.</p>

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<p>Seahorses, before the need for Assisted Living, there’s Independent Living which IMO might be a great option for your mom. All the advantages of AL if she doesn’t need any special care, but considerably cheaper. </p>

<p>As for cost, at least in our area, the monthly rent is all-inclusive (except for cable). When we sat down and looked at all the costs my parents would be shedding – utilities, property taxes, cleaning service, yard care, etc. – it became quite viable financially.</p>

<p>Re-read GladGradDad’s post – lots of good info there, and note his comments about the social life at these facilities:</p>

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<p>And it’s not just that they get to be around lots of their peers. The staff is young to middle-aged, and I think that does them a world of good. The people who serve them meals, clean their apartment, and bring them their medication are full of energy and smiles. </p>

<p>These places have activities all day every day, parties, outings, games, exercise classes. There’s never a dull moment. We visited about 8 before we made our choice and they were, without exception, happy and lively places to be.</p>

<p>Suggestion: Take your mom around to visit a few Independent Living facilities near you. If she seems receptive, you could even ask them if she could spend a night in one. She might have it in her head that these places are dreary warehouses for the elderly; if so, she’s going to be pleasantly surprised.</p>

<p>Another thing: My parents would only consider it after I promised that I’d be a frequent visitor. Maybe your mom has the same fear that if she moves out, she’ll never see you again. Reassure her about that, if appropriate.</p>

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<p>A few years back we had an in law with dementia living with us…NIGHTMARE SITUATION! Sleep was interrupted because of the roaming at night and the nasty ugly words were very difficult for every member of the household. I swore from that moment on I would never have my dad live with us. My dad can’t or won’t do anything for himself. He is 90 years old and lives in an apartment near both me and my sibling. We each see him everyday. We picked this apartment because the landlord allowed us to have a ramp put in the front doorway. The shower is only a two inch lift off the floor and his own door and the front door does not close for several seconds after it is opened allowing him with his walker, to come and go without the door closing on him or needing to be held open.</p>

<p>All of the accommadations took about three weeks to get in place and the situation has allowed my dad to live on his own. All of his shopping, laundry, cleaning and multiple weekly dr appointments are taken care of by myself and my sibling. He would never have considered an assisted living facility because he and my mom took his mother in when she was 52. I never thought these years with an almost empty nest would be filled with taking care of my dad but in many ways I am happy to still have him even if I feel guilty for not going over to him for even a day. Theres a part of me that just keeps saying he can’t live to be a 100…but I am beginning to think he just might.</p>

<p>For the OP…have you looked into getting your mom her own apartment something really convinent right near your house? It really is a great situation that we have and I would highly reccommend it to those reading this thread. My dads apartment is a first floor walk in and he doesn’t even have to lift his feet the four inches to go into his unit. If your parents don’t have any dememtia and they aren’t in danger from causing a fire then this is a great way to go. Of course it doesn’t solve the care issues in terms of drs and all but in good communities they have senior services to bring the seniors to dr appointments and the grocery store. I wish my dad would do this on his own but my sibling spoiled him early on. Now there is no going back and at 90 I am not about to argue this point.</p>

<p>The problem with the assisted living facilities is that most if not all that we have been to seem to be well suited to people with some level of dementia or impaired cognitive development. My father would have been horrified to live with people who are not mentally functioning. He still does the NYT croosword puzzle in ink and followed congress on the television. The care situation is harder on some levels when the elderly have all of their mental faculties but the body is failing.</p>

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<p>There are no easy answers unless we ask the hard questions years and years before we think we need to.</p>

<p>My parents had the money and the mental acuity to make a reasoned decision to age in place. They remodeled their home to allow them to live on one level when the time came, had great friends, connections, insurance, doctors… And even so, it wasn’t ideal in the end.</p>

<p>My mom went along with the plan because she had always assumed my dad would outlive her. They both were robustly healthy, but she had more little health issues. My dad died 8 years before my mom. Four years after he died she said that the only thing keeping her going was the constant annoyance of keeping up with scheduling home maintenance, meetings with her financial advisor, and doctors appointments. </p>

<p>Up to the last week of her very long life she lived in the home she loved. That was wonderful, because it was the only home my parents had ever owned, and she felt my dad was there with her. She hired a woman to live with her the last few years when she no longer wanted to be alone. Sue took her to appointments when she stopped driving, and did light housework, and gave us peace of mind (along with a more accurate evaluation of whether my mom was on her death bed or had a cold… It was hard to tell towards the end because my mom really would have liked one of us to drop our lives for a couple of years and move in with her. :slight_smile: )</p>

<p>Which brings me to the downside of their aging in place plan. Their “place” was a small town in northern Wisconsin, hard to get to, nasty winters, and none of us lived closer than a twelve hour car drive or a flight to the nearest airport (an hour away, so add in a car rental). It was lonely for her as her large social group died, moved out of town to live closer to their own children, moved into assisted living, stopped driving. It was hard to arrange a good bridge game towards the end.</p>

<p>I don’t know what the right answers are, but I know that we think more about our own retirement plans even now with the possibility that one of us could live into our nineties. </p>

<p>Which is one more reason that we will NOT be relocating to North Dakota.</p>

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<p>I actually live in fear that something will happen to my mom. My dad had a stroke exactly 2 years ago and now, at 80 and 85, they still live in the condo they moved to 5 years prior to that. They had the foresight to have the place retrofitted with accessible doorways and grad bars, but since the stroke we’ve had to install a ramp in the garage, a roll-in shower and to acquire an accessible van, a hospital bed and a hydraulic lift. He is completely left side impaired, though his cognitive abilities are far less affected. She was determined to care for him at home, with about 4-6 hours/day of aid assistance, and so far it has worked. But what happens if something happens to her? I live 8 hours away by car, one sister is 3.5 hours away and my youngest sister, with 2 young kids, lives about 20 minutes away. None of our homes are equipped to have him live with us (multi-story) and he wouldn’t last 10 days in a nursing home. Assisted living isn’t available to us because of the extent of his needs, so it’s looking like in-home care 24/7 would be the only option. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that he survived the stroke and my mom and I often talk about the “there but for the grace of god” situations. He’s alive, sometimes engaged, still has his sense of humor and has developed an amazing relationship with my young niece who was terrified of him for months after the stroke. But when I think about the possibilities of what the future may hold, I feel completely inadequate and ill prepared. This was a couple who traveled extensively and woke up one morning 2 years ago to find their worlds changed forever, literally. I love that my children (27, 25, 22) have all 4 of their grandparents, but I do wonder what the next 10 years will hold for my husband and me. And then I feel selfish . . .</p>

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<p>Does anyone know of a checklist or article which would describe all the ideal features a person should think about if they are designing a home to age in place? I would really like to try to plan my last years to avoid being a burden on my son.</p>

<p>I’m thinking of things like:</p>

<p>Living on a busline and where services are available
Living where the weather is pretty good year around
Wide doorways
Ramps or flat entryways
Grab bars</p>

<p>Etc.</p>

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<p>We encouraged mom to drive her friend (who had given up driving) an the mall for an early morning exercise class because said friend NEEDED her to drive. The friend turned out to be very on-again, off-again about going, but in the process, mom met two other women about 10 years younger than her that she enjoys meeting and lunching with. They exercise together at the mall & then walk around the mall & then eat lunch together. We think it’s wonderful and they encourage mom to use her new iPad and electronic books.</p>

<p>It can be very tough if the SOLE responsibility falls on one person–spouse, child, or anyone. It IS draining–have seen it in two of my friends–one was the spouse and another is the D. For the one who is the D, her dad recently died & now just her mom needs some care but not as much as the dad did.</p>

<p>Fortunately, there are a lot of elders going to the exercise class at the mall near mom’s house–sometimes up to 200. I’m so glad she made some new friends, as others have moved away and/or stopped coming around for various reasons.</p>

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<p>RobD:
My mother has a great attitude, in terms of not being depressed, not trying to change the way we do things once she moved in, etc. I cannot fault that at all. I just wish I could help her “get a life” outside of mine!</p>

<p>She cannot do too much in a week or she feels lousy & I understand this, but she just won’t even try to make a friend her age. I think she is intimidated to go into an established group. I think she is afraid of being ignored or left out :frowning: I wish for her the ability to connect with others her age who have shared experiences, like the depression, WWII, the 50s & 60s as parents, etc. Just someone to chat with…besides me.</p>

<p>For example, if we have a foursome, she is thrilled to play cards with my family, but if I suggest the card games at the senior center, she doesn’t really care for cards!?</p>

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<p>This is so true, my 90+ year old FIL was in a rant about having to wait the 12-5 window for a repairman…as if he has anywhere else to go? When the guy showed up at 5:15, FIL sent him away :eek:</p>

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<p>It takes a lot of energy to meet new people and to socialize with those we don’t know well. It means being at our best, both in grooming and behavior. Our parents often don’t have this energy. They don’t want to have to be “on” in the way that one has to be in a group of strangers. Unless your parent is very outgoing by nature, this is a strain that they would just as soon not bother with. I think that is behind a lot of their reluctance to engage in some of these social groups for seniors.</p>