<p>^^great point. That’s why I don’t like to socialize <em>now</em> and I’m 48. My mom is petrified of going to the nursing home and has made me promise I will never call hospice. She thinks hospice is telling someone they are dying. ?? At this point she is 68, works like a dog, and is in good overall health, although she’s a hypochondriac. </p>
<p>We did at home 24/7 care for my grandparents, one of whom had long-term Alzheimers and one who was sharp as a tack with a failing body. There is no easy way or great solution.</p>
This isn’t what I found so maybe it varies with the part of the country. I found that some of the AL places didn’t have any ‘memory care’ residents at all because they weren’t equipped to handle them and that others had memory care residents but those residents were housed in a separate wing of the building with its own facilities and it’s own doors and they didn’t really mix with the ones not in that section. They specifically did this to keep track of the ones who might wander off which is a real issue with dementia patients.</p>
<p>Gladgraddad is correct. When we did our search for the best CCRC we found that the facilities, services and inhabitants were much more varied and diverse than I would have imagined. Most in our area may have had a wing or facility for dementia care , but it was always segregated from assisted and independent living. One “campus” (yes they call it that) we visited had four different facilities and each offered a different level of care. We did make a spread sheet with the folks requirements, cost, location, services, etc. Thank goodness, I had already been through this when I helped D look for the right school.</p>
<p>My 91 year old MIL has moved from independent living, to assisted living, and now has been in the locked memory unit for about the last 3 years, all on the same “campus.”</p>
Well, no one likes the idea of calling for hospice care - it means the patient is terminally ill. Yes, the patient is dying if hospice is necessary. But for patients and caregivers alike, it’s a godsend. And people can’t elect to call hospice unless it’s necessary, and they can’t call for it too soon.</p>
<p>I know dozens of people who have called in hospice for loved ones, and I have never heard one story of it being other than a blessing. That resonates with me. syrstress, your mom is quite young and may never need hospice - or she may not need it for 35 years. I hope she does learn that it’s not to be dreaded.</p>
<p>My 86 year old Mom recently moved to an independent living apartment in a continuing care retirement community. It was incredibly difficult for her to move from her condo, which she’d lived in for almost 20 years, and getting her packed and moved was stressful for her and her kids, but well worth it, since she was increasingly isolated as she stopped driving and needed a walker to get around.</p>
<p>Her new place is beautiful–2 bedrooms and a den, small but full kitchen, and offers 3 meals a day and lots of activities, trips to the theater, etc. They even have a sports bar that serves beer, wine, a “drink of the day” and pub food with a big flat screen TV, where many of the men can be found. We’ve found the people there to be quite old and mobility impaired (with most using walkers or scooters) but cognitively intact. There’s a formal dining room, where you need dinner reservations, and a cafeteria for informal meals. There are classes like tai chi and yoga, a fitness center, computer classes, and movies. If you’re not feeling well, you can call down and they’ll bring something to your apartment. There’s health care on-site and shuttles to the nearby medical center. While my Mom hasn’t found close friends there, she does do things with the other residents and often joins them for meals. She used to call me every day–and now sometimes almost a week goes by without her calling. When I call, she’s often out or has company over</p>
<p>It is expensive–$4000/month, and that doesn’t include any personal care, just meals and activities. However, it is well worth it for the peace of mind for her and us knowing that there is someone around 24 hours/day if she needs help (we’re 3 hours away) and that she’s eating well and engaged with others.</p>
<p>…u guys need to admit urself to a mental institution instead of putting ur mom in a home for the aged institution…this is COLLEGECONFIDENTIAL.com not, IMAHORRIBLEKID.com… are u planning 2 send ur own children to some kind of institution too? …what goes around comes around…would u like ur own children to do that to u in the future?..‘i love my mom…but…’ YEAH RIGHT…what a joke…</p>
<p>collegeconfediential was made for students to discuss college matters, not to write disgusting stories about parents who gave a life to u… your mom doesn’t deserve kids like u…if u can’t do it, u just pray 4 strength to be able to take of ur dear mother. </p>
<p>I wish collegeconfidential will delete this thread…its disgusting.</p>
<p>I suppose you can look at calling hospice to mean someone is dying. After all, aren’t we all?</p>
<p>Based on my experience, hospice is about living life in a comfortable, dignified manner. Hospice workers are angels here on earth, providing support not only for the “dying” but also for those who will be left behind.</p>
<p>My father has made my mother promise not to put him in a nursing home. I don’t think she ever will, but she may die trying to keep him at home as his Parkinson’s progresses. I have made a promise to myself to never put that kind of pressure on my husband or kids. I hope I can keep that promise, because I truly don’t want them to have to sacrifice their own lives.</p>
<p>Good news for your mom, she has raised a kid who is prepared to care for her under any circumstances and at any cost to self, spouse and kids. Bad news, she will have to spend her last years with someone who is prone to ranting and a terrible speller as well.</p>
<p>Seriously, read the responses a bit more thoughtfully. Those posters who have actually assumed this role invariably state that above all else they hope to spare their own children this burden. In your words, having gone around they dont want their own kids to come around. you may have a little more compassion and wisdom when you’ve experienced this reality.</p>
<p>My mother is a very difficult person to be around. Bossy, demanding, nosy, thinks she is queen and everyone has to change what he/she is doing to her preferred way of doing it. TV volume has to be up VERY high because she can’t hear – and everyone else leaves the room because the volume is actually painful. Oh, and she only watches the station with the loud, arguing political blowhards. The heat has to be up very high because she is cold, and the rest of us are sweltering. There is a long list of ingredients no one can use in cooking because the queen does not like them. Our family eats very little meat, but the queen says it isn’t dinner without a meat entree. When she comes over for dinner now, say a large family gathering, she demands to know if any of the dishes people brought contain, for example, olive oil, which she Will Not Eat. Oh, and add more salt – she likes it very, very salty! She’s 81. Lately my Dad is getting very forgetful and Mom is saying that if Dad dies she WILL live with us. She doesn’t hint; she comes right out and says that IS her plan. I finally told her “No. Do not plan on that, because it will not work for us.” And she became indignant. Oddly, she had no problem with her own father being put in a nursing home way back when. And when her own mother died, my Mom had not seen her (my grandma) in 7 years.</p>
<p>SJRcalderone, Whenever the topic of aging parents comes up around here, and it seems to regularly, a lot of us find ourselves venting. It’s such a difficult situation; we love them and want the best for them, but we know that often WE are not what’s best for them. We may not have the financial resources to provide for them, we may not have the time available that they need, we may not have the patience or stamina for what can be a demanding 24/7 job – all the while trying to live our own lives and many of us holding down a job outside the home as well. It’s tough, and there’s really nothing that prepares either us or them for it. Personally, I find CC one of the best places to vent about this, because so many of us are going through it.</p>
<p>Many of us, junior, have kids in college and are taking care of our parents. Also, it’s says parents cafe!!! Gosh</p>
<p>Most of us have raised or are raising our kids while at the same time taking care of elderly parents all across the spectrum. Some are healthy and vital, some are blind with dementia who need to have someone around 24/7. Some are in between.</p>
<p>In the past, taking care of aging parents wasn’t such a social issue as people didnt live to their 80s and 90s. My friends mom was great, she turned 80 and it was a quick slide downhill. She would wonderoff to thhe drug store and buy the exact same item every day for two weeks, forgetting she had bought them the day before. She went to the bank and emptied her checking account of 8500dollars, in cash, and road the bus all over town. All this in the space of two weeks. The family had to make sure someone was always home in case she wandered off again. </p>
<p>Junior, are you willing to stay home all day every day? And yes, you can get caregivers, but they aren’t covered by most plans unless the person is physically ill.</p>
<p>My mother lives with us, and will until we can’t give her what she needs. She also doesn’t want to be a burden, now she is just really annoying, and it’s good to know others are also feeling the same.</p>
<p>So junior, read before you rant and judge, we here are doing all we can.</p>
<p>junior, my brothers and I had several reasons for deciding to put our parents in “an institution” – which is actually a cheerful, active, lively place where they have many friends and lots of interesting, fun things to do every day. It was a decision we didn’t make lightly. In the end, it came down the fact that it was no longer safe for them to live in their house.</p>
<p>There were a number of factors, including my mother’s arthritis which was making it painful – yes, actually painful – to cook and do even light cleaning. But what really decided it for us was this situation: </p>
<p>My father was beginning to have Alzheimers, so he was having trouble remembering to take his pills in the right amounts. He would sometimes take too much of his Vicodin, which is a narcotic drug. Even worse, he would sometimes decide to take a double dose of his sleeping pills. He would be staggering around, incoherent, clearly hallucinating. He would sometimes fall (which is very dangerous for elderly people with their brittle bones, slow reflexes, and reduced muscle mass). He was TWICE hospitalized for drug overdose. After the second hospitalization, I asked him to promise me he’d never again take a double dose of his sleeping pills, and you know what? He wouldn’t make me that promise. </p>
<p>So given that, would you have advised me to leave my parents in their home, knowing that sooner or later my father was probably going to take a fatal overdose? Is it showing love when you leave someone in a situation you know is dangerous? </p>
<p>Don’t judge. You cannot know what goes on in other peoples’ families, what problems there are, what resources are available to deal with those problems. This is an extremely difficult situation for us adult children, and we struggle with knowing what’s best for our parents whom we love very much. My parents have told me they are happier now than they were in the last year they lived in their house. And my brothers and I KNOW that they’re safe and healthy now. You’re not going to make me feel guilty about that.</p>
<p>These are terribly difficult situations. The candor and sharing of so many going through similar challenges at the same time (or near) is very cathartic. I know many folks who really prefer living in assisted living so they don’t have to think about cooking or cleaning or driving–it’s all provided if they can afford the place. It’s not for everyone for many reasons but I know folks who MUCH prefer there over other options.</p>
<p>Judging others is very, very wrong. None of us can know the dynamics and factors involved in anyone else’s life. Folks in the “sandwich” get squished as a parent and as a child, at the same time.</p>
<p>My mother-in-law is 97, almost blind, very frail, and has memory issues that are getting worse. She lives alone in a bi-level house, and her plan is to die there. She really should not be living alone, but will not discuss any other living arrangement. My husband and I really do not know what to do. She lives over 2 hours away, so we aren’t close enough to do daily things for her. There are other family members nearby (her nieces) who take her to the doctor. We would take her into our home is that is what she wanted, although my husband and I know we both would need antidepressants if she did. She complains unceasingly, is very negative, and is never wrong (which is getting worse now with her memory problems). Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>Mattmoosemom, can you hire a helper person to check in on her every day for an hour or a few? To help prepare meals and straighten up and do dishes and so forth? That is what we have for my mom who will not consider assisted living or moving closer to us. It has given us much comfort to know she has someone almost every day. We have the helper’s phone number and have chatted a few times outside of mom’s hearing to make sure all is running smoothly. But mom gets to be the queen bee and she and the helper have a nice relationship and seem to actually enjoy each other’s company. It’s not a perfect full time job with benefits but $15 per hour for part time reliable work can be a great help for the right person so can be a win win situation…</p>
<p>Hugcheck, we looked into Visiting Angels a few years back, but she does not think she needs the help, and would never pay for it even though she can afford it. She might pay if it cost $10 a day! She gets her main meal from Meals On Wheels, and won’t pay for the second meal. And she forgets where she puts things, so anyone who comes into the house is suspected of stealing her things. I think the helper wouldn’t last 3 days before she was fired. All cleaning ladies have been fired because they don’t do a good job, and they “steal.” We are still trying to guide her into making this choice. Meanwhile my husband’s cousin calls and wants to know what are we going to do about “insert issue of the day.”</p>
<p>I think there must be some way to convince your mom that she needs some help. If you would pay for it and start someone with just a couple of hours every day to make sure she’s ok and maybe fix a meal for her and do a little straightening up, she might go for it. If she can’t drive (you say her vision is impaired) I don’t see how she manages. How does she get her groceries and other necessities? Surely someone could help her out with some of the basics. Maybe you could be with the helper for the first couple of days to get them started on the right track. I think people who work with the elderly are used to a certain amount of disagreeable personality, and they often win them over because the help really is needed.<br>
It’s scary to admit that you’re no longer competent to care for yourself, it’s no wonder they put up such a fuss. I think if we realize their fears and talk through it with them, and then insist that they have the help they need, they will usually go along.
What many of our parents need is a “Daphne”, like the young woman on Frasier who came in to care for his dad. ;)</p>