<p>My husband is going to have another talk with her this weekend. But she shuts down and says she won’t talk about it if we start talking about getting help. We do make food for her and put it in her freezer, as do other family members. She gave up driving about 10 years ago due to her vision. As far as groceries, there is a service in her town that provides for someone to come once a week to shop for the elderly. We only just this month convinced her to let us pay her bills online for her. She is trying to hold on to what she can control as long as she can. I do like your idea of being there the first few days if we can convince her to get the help. And she would not allow us to pay for it either. Fortunately, my husband has the patience of a saint, and he is trying very hard to consider her feelings; that is why he hasn’t forced her to do anything against her will.</p>
<p>Heading to my parents’ today. Wish me luck. An occupational therapist was there yesterday for the first time, and today it’s a physical therapist. I’m most concerned about how my kids will react as they haven’t seen Dad since his fall.</p>
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<p>Yes! It’s called college, LOL!</p>
<p>It is sometimes almost impossible to get an older parent to do what is better for them. I had real sympathy for the man in the news the other week who was trying to evict his 98 yo mother from the house so that she would either come live with him or move to an assisted living place. He was vilified, but I could see where he was coming from.</p>
<p>GladGradDad…It depends on the region of the country I guess. What I have noticed here in New Jersey is that the Assisted Living facilities mostly have some type of step up care in case dementia develops. However, the regular care portion of these facilities are filled with people just on the border of needing that care. You can’t put an intelligent fully functioning mind in that environment and not expect them to deteriorate from sheer depression and boredom. I really wish there were apartment situations for elderly people who needed help with groceries, housekeeping, setting up weekly meds but not dispensing, and activities that were not geared for a five year old brain. My father would die if he had to do craft projects or play ridiculous board games made for little kids. I really spent alot of time in several of these places just to see what the residents were really doing and how they functioned. It was sad to think of my father ever being in that situation and we would never suggest it to my dad.</p>
<p>“I really wish there were apartment situations for elderly people who needed help with groceries, housekeeping, setting up weekly meds but not dispensing, and activities that were not geared for a five year old brain.”
I think you need to start looking at “Independent Living”. My folks CCRC starts with “Independent Living”, is situated in an apartment setting and includes all of the services you listed. As well as things such as lectures from visiting faculty, a weekly live classical music series, and even things like a foreign film club and discussion group. And if things deteriorate, they offer assisted living as well.
When I was searching for places here in So Cal, I too was disappointed in the places that featured “Assisted Living” exclusively.</p>
<p>What my friends have found is unless the senior has lots of money saved up, options are pretty limited. And with people living longer, that money must be spent wisely. My mom has a retirement account, but as of a year ago, she must spend it down annually and thus will have less interest coming in. That and her insurance and meds going up, well, it’s all about not using that moneynfor assisted living or other housing until it’s absolutely necessary. It’</p>
<p>For my friend, its not like her mom didnt work and save, its just it only lasts so long. She had to move her mom to a more serious assisted living situation not because her mom got that much worse, it’s that her social security and disability insurance only covers the more serious one. And as stated above, getting in home help isn’t alway practical. For my friend, they needed someone in the home all the time. Basically making sure mom didn’t wander off. I would go over and just sit around reading in case she or her daughter or husband had to leave.</p>
<p>And I can say from experience, it’s not easy to convince a parent to accept help and let strangers into their lives. Also, they think they know what’s best, after all, they made it this far. With my mom, I asked her to see a doctor for her rash for a month, I said I would make appointment, I would driver her, whatever. But no, she was taking care of it herself using info she read on the web. Only she read just enough to make it all worse.</p>
<p>It’s almost as if it takes a crisis for our parents to let us step in and help. Even though if they had listened before, the crisis would have been averted. It is like having teens again, they are just going backwards in time.</p>
<p>Whatsgoing on with my mom is I will suggest she do something, then something happens, and she denies I suggested it. Or il say this is coming up and she forgets. So it’s a lot of note writing, putting it in calendar, etc. I have bitten my tongue a lot just to keep the calm. </p>
<p>Take care everyone, and just do the best we can and remember to breath</p>
<p>“It’s almost as if it takes a crisis for our parents to let us step in and help.”</p>
<p>Too true.</p>
<p>I do think it’s a lot easier moving two parents together, than it is a single parent. My mom pulled me aside to tell me that “this is what your dad needs” and dad pulled me aside to tell me “I’m doing this for your mom”. </p>
<p>And it IS EXPENSIVE. Makes me want to save my money. I did go visit some less than idyllic places and with each visit I swore that I would amp up the savings so that my only kid would not be forced into the position of taking care of cranky old me.</p>
<p>Moonchild…Yes, it does take a lot of energy to socialize. People are complicated. I find that at 48, I have less patience for people than I did in my younger years…These days, I only keep the friends that I enjoy. I can’t imagine some in their 70s having energy to deal with the various personalities. Plus, we have more places to pick and choose from, neighbors, co-workers, our friends’ friends and our long-time friends for the most part are still alive. </p>
<p>I worry about this as well. Unfortunately, my mom and dad divorced years ago when we were teens. Somehow, Dad took all the savings to start his new life. She worked in her youth stopping work when we were young and then returning to part-time work when we got older and full time when we she was divorced. As such, she has a tiny pension and social security. This is about $500 a month, from which her medicare is then deducted. It is not a lot of money. She is going to be 69 soon. She lives in a subsidized apartment in a bad area of NYC. During the past six years, she has been staying at my brother’s house during the week and babysits their kids afterschool. It keeps her busy but this is not an ideal situation as SIL and her fight all the time. Control and cultural issues on both sides and some immaturity on SIL’s part. It does not make sense to have her at my house as she would spend most days alone without being able to leave the house. She stopped driving years ago for no apparent reason. We have taken her on vacations with us, but she cannot walk a lot, so we limit having her only on short beach vacations when we can rent a house and give her a separate bedroom as she is up at 4 a.m.</p>
<p>A year ago, a senior apartment complex opened near my house. The rent was $479 a month for a studio. She could walk to the supermarket and small shopping center but would still be far from her doctors.There is a senior center nearby. I thought my brother and I could split the cost and manage doctor’s appointments. . Although it just adds to my financial strain, as I am currently paying college tuition for D1 and D2 is in the pipeline, I would feel better about her having a safe place to live. She declined vehemently, noting that she did not want to depend on us for her living arrangement, etc… I kind of understand this. With the current lack of job security, if we were to lose our jobs, it could become a hardship and she would be unable to pay this on her own. I keep pondering this and find that the answers are hard to come by. She also has no friends but she is friendly to everyone she meets. </p>
<p>Seahorse, I am glad you posted this. We are really stuck in the middle putting kids through college, worrying about our own retirement and then managing our parents. MIL is currently going strong at 79 living in her three story five bedroom house. I don’t understand how she does it but she might live to be 100. I really need to put more thought and research into this. I hope you find a good solution for yourself.</p>
<p>It is hard to know when to take over your parent’s financial matters. My MIL had been handling things pretty well although we were starting to worry about her memory and ‘sharpness’. Then a scammer called her and she gave him her SS # and other personal information and now we have to contact her bank and all her other accounts to make sure the scammer does not drain them. I told H it is time to assume full control.</p>
<p>One of the points ‘junior’ is missing, and junior is missing many, is that in many cases it’s not a case of the kids ‘placing’ their parent in an appropriate living facility (the term 'institution doesn’t apply at all in this context) because the senior themselves will sometimes realize when it’s time to live someplace where they can get the assistance they need and many of them don’t want to unduly burden their kids or worse, their son’s wife. Many of them also want to maintain some level of independence which they can have at an independent living or assisted living or even skilled nursing facility, that they wouldn’t have if they were living with their kids. An AL facility allows them to live independently longer by providing them with some basic helpful items such as meals, etc. </p>
<p>There are already people who make decisions to sell the big house and move into a condo specifically because they no longer want to deal with lawn care or exterior maintenance. There are some who specifically want to live near public transport or a shopping center so they don’t have to deal a car and driving. Many have already decided they’re ‘done with’ cleaning the house so they hire a cleaning service, don’t want to fix things around the house so they hire a handyman, etc. I view the decision to go to an AL facility as just a logical progression of the above in making their lives even easier to allow them to do what they want instead of chores they’d rather not do or being constrained by a mobility issue or even by an inability to reliably take their meds. </p>
<p>Some of you might want to explain the above perspective to your elderly parents to let them look at it a different way than they might have otherwise.</p>
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At the end of the day we all need to realize we can only do our best and that the elderly parent is ultimately responsible for their own decisions even if it’s not what we think is best. It gets more difficult when the person has severe cognitive issues and at some point a legal decision might need to be made there but for many of the elderly parents it’s really up to them in the long run with us only providing guidance.</p>
<p>gladgrad - I think I’m getting to that point and I’m 45 - lol</p>
<p>^^ Haha - it’s a good point - most of us actually start on this path younger than most realize (hiring out the house cleaning, lawn mowing, car washing, etc.) and then it progresses, perhaps to the point of an assisted living facility and then a skilled nursing facility. People just need to look at it in this progressive context versus some switch being thrown when one is old and suddenly needing to be ‘taken care of’ since it usually isn’t really as sudden as that unless the person has a sudden physical event happen. There really isn’t a great deal of difference between paying someone to clean the house versus paying to have meals provided, paying to have someone assist with mobility, incontinence, etc.</p>
<p>Tatin, we’re in exactly the same place re finances. Mom and Dad are no longer paying any attention to their money, and if you ask them how much they have or where it’s invested and why, they don’t have a clue. Just last weekend, my brothers and I decided that it’s time to put the money with a professional investment firm, with one of us kids as trustee. </p>
<p>One more hard step on this hard road.</p>
<p>Day 1 was great. Dad ate well and was a delight at the restaurant.</p>
<p>Day 2 starting out rough. Dad got in his mind last night that he wants a haircut and hadn’t forgotten this morning. My mom is beside herself. His illness has brought the worst out in her. She likes to control everything, and now it’s even worse. I like what someone posted about how they become more controlling as their world shrinks. My mom and I always have been in conflict, and this is highlighting it. anyway, my dh took Dad to the barber so that they’ll be there when he first opens, and then home in time for the physical therapist. </p>
<p>It’s now clear to me that this can’t continue. But what will we do? I guess the best thing to do is get some kind of part-time or live-in help.</p>
<p>Why 73 y o in good health is living with children? This is disaster that will explode sooner or later. I hope to never live with my kids. Anyway, healthy 73 y o should be busy with her life and have her own place. I personally hope that they will not kick me out and I still am employed at 73. If they do kick me out, then I will be in a box under ground very soon, nobody will be bothered with me, I will ge gone as a result of depression…</p>
<p>My mother was loving alone in an oversized house in Oregon. She and we wanted her to move in our area. And we looked for apartments for here, but as anyone who reads thenpaper knows, San francisco area is uber high rent. Somber practical reasons her living with us was a financially smart move. She has her own studio fully equipped apartment and that’s why we can deal.</p>
<p>miamidap:
If they kick you out and find yourself unemployed don’t go in the box underground - just start your own business!</p>
<p>An inspirational story in this context -
</p>
<p>[Carlsbad</a> airline gets key FAA approval | UTSanDiego.com](<a href=“http://web.utsandiego.com/news/2012/feb/02/faa-gives-key-approval-carlsbad-based-airline/]Carlsbad”>http://web.utsandiego.com/news/2012/feb/02/faa-gives-key-approval-carlsbad-based-airline/)</p>
<p>I cannot fly…I can do something else, I have a very nice relaxing hobby, but I love my job, it is my greatest entertainment…</p>
<p>I have been reading this thread with much interest but have been too overwhelmed to make any comments. I have said this before on this board that I am the primary go-to person for 5 senior citizens. My MIL is great, she requires very little assistance and she is reasonable and grateful for everything we do. </p>
<p>Mom and Dad are in rapidly declining health, living in a CCRC with an in-house life plan. Good situation, but there are gaps and lots of on-going re-assessment of their needs. Someone said it is easier to move a couple, and that is true as long as their needs are similar or compatible. It gets tougher if they are deteriorating in different ways. </p>
<p>I am also responsible for an elderly couple (88 and 92)who have no children and I have been their surrogate daughter for all of my life. The wife had been in terrific health, but in the last couple of months that has changed completely. I have recently started to suspect NPH - but she hasn’t had an MRI so we don’t know as yet. They are still living in their own home. It is really an ideal home for them, and with some assistance they could remain there - but getting her to agree is nearly impossible. She is, without a doubt, the most rigid person I EVER met in my life. When she was younger, her sense of humor and her good heart compensated for this trait -but right now it is making life extremely stressful for her and for me. </p>
<p>How rigid? Of course all chores are done on certain days of the week and at certain times. She takes her bath at 4:00, has dinner at 5, puts on the news at 6. No deviation. I suggested one time that she grocery shop while her cleaning lady was in the house because she didn’t like having her there. Nope, can’t go to the grocery store on that day - wrong day. And you can’t switch cleaning lady because that’s not cleaning day. </p>
<p>May I just say that I am essentially a good person, but once in awhile I look at these people and think what their lives were like at my age. No one had elderly parents and any kids were grown and married. They all traveled (except my MIL who is a treasure) and had a grand old time. How old will I be when this responsibility is over? I often think they are going to outlast me. </p>
<p>Oh well, at least then I won’t have to worry about how I will pay for my golden years.</p>
<p>There is so much I can relate to here. This thread could never end with all of the information and stories that all of us have. </p>
<p>My mother passed away last month. She was 91 and in a nursing home for alzheimer’s. Up until her mid 80’s she was going pretty well. However, she wanted to stay in her own home. The house was not senior citizen friendly. While the stairs to the 2nd floor were okay, the stairs to the basement were referred to as “the stairs of death” by my D3. They were steep and had no banister. Any suggestions to getting a banister put in were met with strong protests. I had suggested that mom look to a retirement home because the house was getting more difficult to keep up. The more I suggested, the more she told my brother I was mean. Now, you have to understand, I was diminished in mom’s eyes because of my birth defect – I had no *****. (If I said that it was Friday, Mom would look to my brother to affirm that I was correct.)</p>
<p>Finally, my brother told Mom that she had to look for other housing options. She bought into a retirement apt. on the Catholic Archdiocese property. By buying in, she got 75% of her money back when she left, and she had top of the list privileges if she needed other facilities on the campus. She stayed in the apt. for 18 months, then moved into the assisted living facility. She loved it there. After about a year, she needed the nursing home.</p>
<p>It was such a relief to know where she would be as she needed stepped up care. While not the fanciest of facilities, they were clean and loving. Since they were catholic, Mom was able to go to mass everyday and say the rosary. Even as her mind slipped away, and she talked less and less, she could still finish the Hail Mary, if someone started it. I know that was a huge comfort for her, even if she didn’t realize it. </p>
<p>Mom was signed up for hospice in October. Her doctor said that “it won’t happen in the next 3 weeks, but I don’t see her with us in 6 months”. She died 4 months and 11 days later. It was a blessing, as she had taken a very sharp turn for the worse, and essentially stopped eating. </p>
<p>The nursing home was really good for her. There was much more socialization there than she would have gotten with us. I couldn’t have taken her to mass everyday. She went to activities until almost the very end. I have told my children that if I need a nursing home, please do not hesitate putting me in one. </p>
<p>My MIL on the other hand is almost 88 and works full time at at Wal-mart because she wants to. She is an overnight stocker. She works rings around her younger co-workers. We have all tried to get her to cut back or quit, but she is afraid of alzheimers, so she feels she needs to keep busy. While she is doing wonderfully, I can see her slipping a bit. She complains more about being tired (duh!). </p>
<p>It isn’t easy getting old. My strongest suggestion for anyone with elderly parents is to have a nursing home or assisted living facility in mind even if they don’t need them today. Put them on the waiting list. They may not need the facility now, but it could be a wonderful relief if the facility was needed quickly. Once your parent gets to the top of the list, they stay there until you say yes. Too many people don’t start looking until it is too late in the journey, and then they are forced into going to a facility that isn’t their first or second choice. It doesn’t hurt to look, and it certainly hurt to put them on a list.</p>