Parenting your parents

Parent Cafe
81

<p>So mom left for grocery store early in her car even though told I would take her because of rain, though i being cautious due to her meds. Anyway. Ten minutes later she calls, her tire hit a truck tire and she broke something in the car major. Two blocks from house. I send dh, he calls triple aaa. We tell her to sit in car it can’t be driven. I tell her I will be there in five minutes to wait with her. Five mounted later she calls again. The car stopped again. She had driven it five blocks with a broken axle. Or coasted downhill with one. She said she thought car was okay. Didn’t remember dh giving her paper with aaa info. She was a wee bit loopy. I think she took too many pain killers for her rash. So car is in shop, major repair job, but at least she can’t drive for a week while she’s on her meds!!!</p>

<p>The rigid I spoo get…can’t see that for others a bit of flexibility would make the helpers life easier.</p>

82

<p>I think the time to start talking about assisted care is in your 60’s before you retire. Make it clear to your kids what the options are and don’t fool yourself, no matter how healthy you are now, we all (hopefully) get old and that decline can happen pretty fast.</p>

83

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<p>Physical and mental exercise will likely help her stay strong and healthy.</p>

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<p>Hmmm, why repair the car? Seems from your story that she will just crash it again. That can be dangerous for her and others.</p>

84

<p>seahorse, I would tell her the car was totaled and not get her a new one.</p>

<p>and speaking of cars …</p>

<p>My dad tricks my 17yo into digging out his hidden extra key from under the truck and gets it in his head that he’s driving to the gun club. I let him carry the key around and just told him No whenever he “got up to leave.” He asked my sister to get rid of me because I won’t let him do what he wants. :slight_smile: My brother is here now. he’s the keeper of the keys so he’ll take care of it. He’s a former mechanic so he’ll just disable the truck if he has to.</p>

85

<p>The car issue is a tough one since it’s often the last thing they want to hold onto - usually years past when they should have quit driving. They’re a menace to themselves and others but it’s a big hit to their perceived independence. It’s a tough one for the kids of the elderly to deal with.</p>

86

<p>She a not a menace. We have all had accidents egad. Let’s take away every texterrs car as well.</p>

<p>It was like she had a taken too much cold medicine. I think taking away her car would age her ten years easy.</p>

<p>While she is older, and annoying, it’s amazing how some want to take way cars though there are probally as many moms talking to kids, business men on phone, causing as many accidents.</p>

<p>Menace? Not really. Danger. No. Bad day for her to drive in the pouring rain. Yup.</p>

87

<p>I guess it’s a small blessing that my MIL never drove. It’s hard to imagine a 78 yr old who never had a job and never drove.</p>

<p>Our crisis is having her toenails cut. The nurse who comes to the assisted living facility to do nails once a month came and MIL refused to part with her last $20 and sent her away! She has type 2 diabetes, so they must be carefully done. The whole reason she has the petty cash is for the nails and hairdresser.</p>

88

<p>My mom didn’t learn to drive until she was 45; she only drove locally but one of the first things she did after her stroke (which left few after effects) was to sell her car. My MIL just gave up driving (unofficially) after she got lost going for a haircut 3 blocks away. FIL had called her after an hour to see where she was & she didn’t know. Yes, it’s true that people of any age can be a driving “menace” but it’s pretty well documented that reaction time, vision cognitive ability declines with age so it’s something to keep an eye on.</p>

<p>It’s good to know that others are going though similar situations and dealing with such a range of emotions. I’ve heard a couple of really good suggestions that I’m keeping in mind for the future.</p>

89

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<p>Dangerous driving starts with poor judgement. She had obviously lost the ability to judge that it was unsafe for her to drive in the pouring rain while on drugs and with an offer from someone else to drive her. And then she tried to drive more after crashing. It could have been much worse if she had hit another car, pedestrian, or bicyclist, in which case she would be facing criminal hit-and-run and DUI charges as well as large claims on her insurance and lawsuits.</p>

<p>Note that poor judgement also applies to the text-while-driving people and many other dangerous drivers.</p>

90

<p>silverlady, hugs to you on your mom’s passing. She was lucky to have you.</p>

<p>Driving … oy. This might be the hardest issue we face, getting our seniors off the road BEFORE they hurt themselves or someone else. Some of them will voluntarily restrict themselves or give up driving, but many of them hang onto it long after they should stop. </p>

<p>My brothers and I saw it as our absolute responsibility to take away Dad’s keys once it became obvious that he was a threat to public safety. He disagreed, he was hurt, but it didn’t matter. He was not a fair judge of his own abilities (or didn’t want to admit that they were failing), so it was up to us to take action. If we allowed him to continue driving, it was only a matter of time until he hurt himself or someone else. </p>

<p>As hard as it was, the thing I always came back to was this: What if my D were killed by a senior driver whose adult children knew him to be unsafe, but let him continue to drive anyway? If my Dad were THAT driver and I were THAT adult child, how could I possibly live with myself? </p>

<p>SAFETY TRUMPS PRIDE OR HURT FEELINGS. </p>

<p>Elderly drivers are more dangerous than teen drivers, per mile driven. Drivers 85 years and older have fatal accidents at more than 3 times the rate of teens. </p>

<p>The warning signs – the scrapes and dents, the confusion and poor decisions, the near-collisions – mean something. We owe it to our loved ones, and to innocent motorists, cyclists, and pedestrians, to pay attention to them. </p>

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<p><a href=“Business, Home & Car Insurance Quotes | The Hartford Insurance”>Business, Home & Car Insurance Quotes | The Hartford Insurance;

<p>[Older</a>, dangerous drivers a growing problem](<a href=“http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-05-02-older-drivers-usat1a_N.htm]Older”>http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-05-02-older-drivers-usat1a_N.htm)</p>

91

<p>This is a huge issue in our state, especially in subdivisions that have a LOT of seniors. Some folks have these problems from early on–were awful drivers all their lives so harder to detect deterioration in many ways. It can be VERY scary watching seniors backing up in parking lots especially. My neighbor does NOT look behind her when she backs out of her driveway. She has hit 3 cars so far and I believe she’s only 60. Not sure what age she was when she hit the cars. My sister is an awful driver & I cringe to think how bad she’ll get as she gets older–she’s in her mid-50s and always has “surprises” and folks honk at her. Fortunately, she hasn’t had many accidents because the other drivers are alert.</p>

92

<p>Thank you, LasMa, for your post. Taking the keys away from my dad was very hard and put a strain on our relationship. He had late stage Parkinsons and was on serious meds. People in his support group were all driving and having lots of accidents. I feared Dad would hurt himself or another. He hated giving up driving, but it likely saved property, injury, and lives! Each state is different, but adult children might have the option of asking for an impartial third party (police/DMV) intervene and get a driving test. Makes it so the adult kid is not the bad guy.<br>
I agree with the posts above talking about planning before a crisis. I will be pushing for a condo near services I will need and public transportation long before (hopefully) I need them.<br>
This issue is my biggest concern with the inlaws. FIL has had multiple mini strokes and his diabetes affects his feet. MIL has serious issues with his eyes. Yet they keep driving. H and SIL cannot face the issue, but we all fear a terrible phone call. Often, the hard choice is the correct choice.</p>

93

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We ran an intervention in her doctor’s office because of many issues, including the driving. The doctor wrote a one-sentence note stating she was not safe to drive, which my brother kept. When she’d yell at my bro’, call the police on him (for ‘stealing’ her car), phone me longdistance to accuse me of being behind all this, etc etc ad nauseum…my brother showed her the doctor’s letter again. Reading is better than talking, sometimes. This generation respects the word of doctors above their own children, sometimes. </p>

<p>After we removed the car, it took many months until things settled down. It was kind of awful. We just had to take the lumps. Social workers advised us to give it a month – and they were so right. The extreme anger subsided. There was another 2 months of petulant whining and repetition of the same answers, in person and on phone, as to why this had been done.</p>

<p>Last week my brother sold her car and gave her the money to use for taxicabs instead. We also point her to the shuttle bus that the CCRC runs to visit groceries, bank and library, but so far she is very resistant to try. When I’m in town next, I’ll take a shuttle ride with her and see if that helps jumpstart it. Of course she knows my 2 brothers will drive her around to chores if she asks them, so she has less incentive to use the shuttle than others at the CCRC whose children do not live in the same city or region. </p>

<p>It’s important to not only take away a car but point them to or provide alternative forms of mobility and reassure them they won’t be “stuck.” My Mom was really concerned about being “trapped” at the CCRC all week between visits from my brothers. </p>

<p>If the elder is frugal and from the Greatest Generation, they can sometimes be persuaded by seeing “the math” on paper- all the money saved by not owning, insuring or driving a car (at today’s fuel prices, no less). That pays for a lot of taxicabs. Also, setting up one chore day per week that they can count upon is helpful, when a relative comes to do all the car errands at once. Everybody needs some control over their lives. If it’s an established day, that seems to work better and she looks forward to it all week. </p>

<p>I sleep much better knowing she doesn’t drive any more. It’s hard to take a car away, but we had had enough indicators ([I so like post #90, LasMa’s list above). For us it became the only choice of conscience. We had to recognize that it’s not just the elder’s feelings or ourselves at stake (who likes to be yelled at, after all). It is also for others in the community who have a right to be safeguarded.</p>

<p>I think we’re close to getting awareness that will lead to retesting of elderly drivers annually with a serious road test.</p>

94

<p>I feel very fortunate that my dad voluntarily gave up driving. He had not yet been diagnosed with Parkinson’s but he realized his reactions were not what they should be. He still has a license. Occasionally when the Parkinson’s related dementia bubbles up, he will say that he thinks he could drive. I’m pretty sure he couldn’t, given that he isn’t mobile enough to get in the car by himself.</p>

<p>My husband’s grandfather refused to quit driving. Family members secretly removed a vital part one day, and they just never got around to fixing it. I’m just glad we didn’t have to resort to this with dad.</p>

95

<p>A senior in our family had been wheelchair bound for a few years and will still arguing about driving and the desire to do so, even though physically incapable.</p>

96

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<p>I have read that the sabotage method tends to work when dementia is involved, as the person in question tends to forget shortly that the car needed to be fixed last week and the week before etc…</p>

97

<p>My FIL (age 77) wound up going down a one way street the wrong way, had a couple of fender benders in parking lots and finally ran the front end of the car into the back of the garage space. BIL (bless him) convinced him it was time to stop driving, and FIL didn’t put up much argument. FIL then got a motorized scooter chair so he can go two blocks to the grocery store or the JCC. I don’t think he uses it that often, but knowing he has the option has been a comfort to him.</p>

98

<p>ucbalumnus–yes, dementia was involved in this case, along with vision problems. A year or so earlier, he was supposed to pick up his wife after a meeting. She was waiting at the curb for him. He drove around the block three times and never saw her. He finally went home without her. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy.</p>

99

<p>Day 4, and Mom found the key. No worries about him driving now.</p>

<p>His brother and a niece and nephew came for a long visit yesterday. He had a great time. We got lots of wonderful pics. He ate tons but has still lost 2 pounds in the past few days, which is driving my mom nuts. He’s been faithfully doing his arm exercises for me and then writing it down in his book. I’m afraid that my mom won’t keep up with it when I’m gone, and we leave this afternoon. He is in a great mood today. I’m hoping it lasts.</p>

100

<p>Taking my mom to doctor Monday. She spent weekend cleaning her apartment, getting rid of stuff, she is by no means a hoarder, but it kept her busy and as she gets older, less stuff is better.</p>

<p>The car, well, we are going to be monitoring the situation. I will offer more and more to driver her. We live top of a hill and when weather is good she walks down and buses back up. So much less driving when weather is good. My plan is to offer to take her to doctors, help her wi errands, and encourage much more public transit. </p>

<p>I’m also looking for other groups. She is very social just not into new friends. I have a friend with a mom like mine, so we are going to look for more events. Mom loves flower shows, art, music, and I love to exercise, so will work in my exercisewhile she’s exploring a museum or shopping.</p>

<p>She is in a bit of denial re the car accident. So we are gently discussing it.</p>