My inlaws, for just one category example, have about 120 pots, some half filled with dirt and a dead plant, some with actual live plants, some completely empty. These are all out in the “garden”, which is itself a mashup of fencing, gnomes, concrete statues, and trellis parts. They also have 6-7 sheds full of things, a pool, and a 4 car garage..
When we were there for the holidays, FIL said he was slowly bringing things like tools up from the big garage to the house, because he could no longer walk up and down the 100’ or so of driveway to get things. (And it is a hill, to be fair). But they don’t need to move, they can’t until “we have everything squared away”. DH and BIL have completely given up trying to persuade them.
Me too but not so sure…
We do live with stairs but after watching my dad in his one story (he was able to stay there) I keep my eye out for a suitable replacement for us. It’ll be hard to get rid of a LOT of things so I totally get the attachment to not just the things but the associated memories. Only way I got my mom to depart with some things was “I’ll take it”. She never asked if I’d keep it or dispose of it. I often asked why she kept some of it (things that may seem like “immediate donate” to me) and usually get either “I don’t know” or a rather wonderful story about the item.
Same thing happened when a friend’s mother died–the brother wouldn’t part with ANYTHING–he knew his sister would automatically discard it. I showed up and said “let me handle it and take it.” And he did. He knows I’m a sentimental person and can empathize with what those items mean to him. How you dispose of lifelong possessions is important. Treat it with respect. It’s not just “stuff”.
I’m throwing this out there knowing everyone loves their parents and wants the best for them…
At what point do you shut down the pleasures in life (not your pleasures but theirs) for “safety sake”? It’s tough. The closest I got was demanding my dad use a walker to steady himself so he wouldn’t fall.
This is the million dollar question! To me it comes down to if the parent has the capacity to make the decision. With my mom, her ALZ was so far along that she no longer had the capacity to make decisions for herself. We felt like it was our job to make sure she was safe. And safe trumped happy.
For my dad, he was fully cognitively with it. We had to let go that we didn’t agree with his decisions as there was no way for us to legally force him to do anything.
We’re going through this right now with my FIL who still participates in a risky hobby. He’s had a number of falls and my H is at his wits end trying to convince him to give it up. At this point, we accept that FIL understands the risks and if he injures himself, he may seriously impact his life expectancy and quality of life. Not a decision we would make for ourselves but at this point it’s his choice.
At that point (as hard as it is) you let it go. I had to tell my dad my limits – and that at some point he was on his own if he ignored safety precautions. He got it fortunately.
This. It’s not your life. It’s their life. So if your parent is “together”…
The idea is to relay that THEIR life choices impacts YOUR life. That if something happens to them that it impacts YOU in huge ways. I think every parent understands this on some level. The difference is you aren’t the parent–you aren’t present 24/7, they aren’t a child–you don’t have any control over them. But they aren’t able to control you either at this point. You have responsibilities that can’t be controlled by them.
I think my dad is at that point now. He was fine in November when I was in Austin, but he’s started dozing off in the car! His lady friend told me she cried when she realized she was going to have to tell him she wouldn’t be in the car anymore when he drove.
Dad will get some rides from his part-time caregiver and his facility, but it looks like my sister will have to start driving him places, too.
Yup. Same with H’s family. But I ended up being the bad guy, because H & SIL just couldn’t bring themselves to do it. H would have if i had said no, but I had a great relationship with my FIL & felt comfortable talking to him about it. He was on opioids for chronic pain, and I asked him how he would feel if he killed someone’s child. He eventually understood that there was no choice but to stop driving. He was fortunate, though, because they could afford to have someone who drove him to appointments & to the store.
I have made it abundantly clear to my mom and my siblings that she should not be driving, and Local Sibling is doing their best to be the driver – but Mom rightly sees losing the car as very limiting and they don’t think I am right. I told her once that yes, it is hard, but she’s gonna kill someone else and that will be harder. In rural America, not having a car is extremely isolating. (Of course, she could ask any of her younger friends to help her, but of course she sees that as being a bothersome old lady)
My dad was unable to make good decisions in the last year or so of his life (Dad died last July). When the power went out, he would make Mom get him in the car and run his 02 off the running car. We had gotten him backup power for in the house and he was convinced it was faulty, would not use it. The night he had her drive to the gas station at 3am was the last straw for us – we had a contractor come out and install a huge backup generator (they had one, but you had to hook it up to run it) the next week, against their wishes but with their money.
I find safety non-negotiable, and we did a few things this way — we just asked forgiveness instead of permission. Mom was worried but underneath she was relieved to not be the bad guy. Other things he obsessed about we just did our best to roll with if they weren’t an actual safety hazard…but yes on some level you just accept that it is gonna be some catastrophe in the end.
We let the state take my mom’s license away. She only drove in her usual neighborhood at slow speeds so the main danger was to her car. But she managed to hit the drive through equipment at a bank. The DMV for her next road test was in her neighborhood so she should have passed. But as she asked me after failing, “Who stops at a right turn on red?” Um, I do, Mom. Sometimes I wonder if she deliberately failed.
I wish our state did that. Here, Mom just had her eye doctor sign the form that is the only over-90 requirement. Her eyesight is passable, her reaction time and problem solving is poor. But the state didn’t ask about that
We were lucky that my mom’s neurologist told her she would kill someone, and it could be her granddaughter, if she kept driving and she turned and handed me her keys. It was really tough for her to give up that independence but she was getting lost by then and had no business being behind the wheel. It was really important that she had drivers when she wanted to go out so we always went somewhere together.
My dad probably shouldn’t have been driving the last year of his life but he was aware his reflexes were slowing so he would only drive the mile to the market and bank, only on back roads, and never at night. He also had drivers he could count on for longer drives.
Not being local I hated to put my foot down about mom’s driving as I knew the bulk of the fallout was in their laps, not mine. When she drove the wrong way down a road she’d been on many times, with me in the front seat, I told them she needs to be off the road. Eighteen months later, she did the same thing with my sister and she finally said, “That’s it!” We were lucky in those 18 months that it took for my sister to realize how bad it was.
My great aunt lived in northern rural Michigan on a farm. Alone. She insisted on driving even when she no longer should have. One day as she was driving to the casino (yup), she hit a 16 year old girl. Fortunately, the young woman wasn’t badly hurt. Great aunt continued to drive, and she ended up dying in a single car crash. Her kids kind of joked about how it was the only way she would stop driving. I was appalled, but after watching friends deal with their own stubborn, independent parents, I understand that it’s not always easy to make elderly parents do what they should do … especially if they have no cognitive issues.
My dad (87 this month) still does woodworking. He’s on blood thinners. But it brings him joy, he makes religious items which mean a lot to him, and keeps his brain engaged. He’s not using the big saws these days, at least. Has started asking my younger brother to help with that. But there are still exacto knives and boxcutters about…
He has quit driving at night. His decision. Still drives to the local military base for prescriptions and doctor stuff, and goes to the YMCA or VA for water aerobics three times a week. Won’t go to the local pharmacy to pick up prescriptions, though.
But if one of us takes a bag of aluminum cans out to the dump, all you-know-what breaks loose… He doesn’t want to clean out the house or to have us do it. We try to do what we can when we’re down there as far as trash, broken items, scrap metal, etc. He asks us what we want to have, then forgets and gives it to someone else. Fortunately, the four of us surviving sibs have been coordinating on the side and manage to get things to the folks who wanted them, and that includes grandkids (not just the preferred one – and she has been redistributing some of grandpa’s gifts as well because she knows he hasn’t been equitable).
He assumes one of us will care for his medical needs at home. He did it for my mom, aunt, grandmother, his mom and sisters did it for their spouses with long-term medical needs, etc. It’s a generational expectation that’s very hard to push back against. But my local sister can’t afford to quit her job, I can’t stay there on an ongoing basis (it’s a 9.5 hour drive each way), my brother can’t quit his job (and is helping to care for his MIL, who’s living at his house and is seriously ill), and my youngest sister just retired to help her S and DIL with childcare for their four boys 8 and under (and is starting a day care for teachers in the fall).
My biggest fear is that he will get in the truck and drive to the military hospital 13 miles away in a medical emergency (and he has had pulmonary embolisms before and has done just that!).
Your state DMV might have a form that you write in about unsafe driver (gets notarized, but can be anonymous and still be notarized). We did this with my mother. She passed the written test, had driving lessons, and was planning to go to local DMV to take a behind the wheel test. She had to turn in her driver’s license to prevent getting prosecuted for a MVA, so with the written complaints - a phone call was made to this DMV about the complaints written in and her behind the wheel test was canceled. Mom even had her lawyer petition to the state. He got a letter back - no more driver’s license for mom - final.
It was on their local military base where my mom drove the wrong way. Can you imagine??? I can’t believe that we weren’t swarmed by MPs. Thankfully, it was two lanes so everyone just swerved to get out of the way, and the stretch of road wasn’t too long.
My mom always was so holier than thou about my dad being so bent out of shape about no longer driving. She said that she wouldn’t be like that at all. Thankfully, she WAS much better than my dad but still groused sometimes.
Now, I hope to be even better than my mom. I already don’t like driving at night and generally avoid it. I wish I had a kid close enough to drive me places – I’d let them! But check back with me in 20 years.
It indeed has such a “report an elderly driver” form, but the state may or may not get around to asking for confirmation from doctors. The larger problem is do I feel so strongly as to override Local and Preferred Sibling, and Mom herself? I am the faraway one, asking the three of them to upend their driving lives to suit me (that would be their take on things, not with malice, but clearly they see it differently)
I asked both siblings if they would let Mom drive their grandchildren anywhere…they won’t answer, because they know I am right. Right now she is taking prescription painkillers for her 8/10 back pain. We stressed she cannot drive on these, and I added if she has an accident with those in her system, she could be sued for all the money Dad worked so hard to save — THAT stopped her.
Are there are any parents that are no longer driving (or avoid night driving) but are tech savvy enough to use Uber? That could be so helpful. My Dad is too old, and his wife is too tech-averse.
I have been looking into this possibility for me to “hail” them an uber (by entering address) from 2000 miles away. Would need to first do a trial run when I’m in town.
