When it was time to take the car away from MIL (Alzheimer’s) - she was getting lost in the small city where she had lived for over 50 years. And we don’t get new roads/development here - SIL tried to get the doctor to do it. He kept “forgetting” apparently. And then when she went to the visit with her, he didn’t show. Someone else took his place. H wound up being the mean one who told her she couldn’t drive and helped sell her car. She was good with him/us, but she would ask every day why she couldn’t drive and would often get very angry with FIL/SIL.
But at least FIL could drive, though he was not great for a long time. He got in several minor fender benders in parking lots, and a couple on the streets. He doesn’t drive anymore that that they live with SIL.
My father used to carry a bundle of cash to pay off drivers he hit with minor fender benders. he never drove at night until one summer day he woke up from a nap thinking it was 7am instead of 7pm. He got lost and when he finally found his way home, that was the last time he drove.
We were blessed----mom’s car was seldom used and she planned to give it up when the registration expired the following winter. In the fall it required an expensive repair. She had us arrange to donate it to a charity.
The angst over taking the car keys away at some point was averted—she gave them to us willingly, without us asking!!
Now that she’s gone, things like that keep us smiling when we might be sad about missing her.
I’m really proud that my mom made her own decision to stop driving around age 85. She was always a cautious driver. For the last 25 years she only drove a few miles from home on familiar routes in daylight, and I had not been concerned about her safety. However it seemed good that she trusted her gut about aging eyes and reflexes. She was a healthy homebody with few medical appointments and had already been using Walmart-To-Go for delivery on some of the heavier groceries, so it was an easy transition.
I have to say it’s scary to read the stories of the manner in which some elderly (noted above) are still driving. We take so much care with our new drivers and worrying about them when they are 16-18 years old…why do “we” not do the same with older drivers that have some clear incompetencies? (slower reaction time, disorientation, strength to manage the pedals/wheel - it’s NOT just about eye sight!)
I know it’s hard - being able to drive is the freedom we all crave from teens to our 80’s. If you can solve the “how to get places dilemma” with them (not just FOR them), help them see they can still go places needed and places wanted AND maybe have the company of others or be able to trust and count on a schedule (my mom knew that I would come most every Saturday morning to take her where ever she wanted to go - and maybe take her out to lunch and then she knew that my sis-in-law would be available a Wednesday mornings if needed for errands) it cut down on her mental need to drive. I know this is not always possible.
I also would be sure to give her as much independence as possible on her errands out. I didn’t follow her around at the grocery store…I would do my own shopping and meet her at the front when she/we were done. Or I’d drop her off at a store and go do another errand myself. All that seemed important to her.
This is not to say that she every gave up her driving before she died at 88. If she didn’t have her lottery ticket in hand you could be sure she’d drive the mile down the street to get it. BUT knowing she had opportunities to spread her wings and not be stuck at home did a world of good for her mental state.
I think one accident of any sort would make most of us regret not doing something sooner (when signals were there) about stopping driving.
Received wisdom is that everyone must be on board in telling a senior they have to stop driving. So I asked my brother to support me in telling our mom she had to stop. His response: “that’s not a hill I’m willing to die on”. One of many ways my brother was not supportive.
(I responded “How would you feel if she kills somebody?” And went ahead, got her assessed, took her keys and disabled her car – and was the bad guy. But I couldn’t live with myself if she killed a little kid riding a bike or something, when we all knew that her driving was terrible. )
Luckily some doctors will kick the can down the road (no pun intended). The PCP for the elder in our family tells them they will review driving at their next visit…every time.
Something to make you laugh … My mother would say that she is still a good driver; the proof is that she continued to receive her good driver discount from the insurance company. I reminded her that they don’t realize that she hadn’t driven in two years!
I posted earlier about Mom giving up her keys willingly. Grandma, OTOH, my sister watched her drive the wrong direction into a bank drive-up window, told my dad, and he and his siblings had a tough talk with her. My sister was on her hate list for a while as a result!
FIL bought a new car when he turned 90, said he need one with a backup camera. He drove to the grocery store and pharmacy in the town he lived in for 60 years. At 93 he moved to assisted living in a community near us in a different state. Realized after a few attempts to find Walgreens and knowing I didn’t mind getting whatever he need , he let the car sit in the parking lot. License needed to be changed and he didn’t want the hassle.
Mom (age 92 at the time) went to Walgreen’s one summer evening about 6 p.m. The store is about a mile away, along the same road as her independent living place. She’d been there many, many times. She claims it started to rain when she was in the store and got confused. Instead of taking a right out of the parking lot, she took a left. Long story short - she returned home 4 hours later, escorted by 2 security guards who found her in an office park. She couldn’t tell us where she’d been. Needless to say, the next day, local brother had the “talk” with her and she hasn’t driven since. This happened in August 2022 and she’s still extremely angry at this brother. Mind you, her dementia has progressed quite a bit and she has macular degeneration, but she still insists she’s able to drive.
My Dad, who was bedridden and at the end of his life (and hadn’t driven for years) truly believed he was going to drive to work “tomorrow”, when he wasn’t so tired.
My mother (a widow) hated to drive, but when I told her that her driving days were over she hated me for it. The main problem was her executive functioning. She thought if the light is green it is her right to go even if a person with a baby carriage was in the walkway in front of the car. This happened while I was in the car and averted a problem.
I then wrote to the driver license agency in Pennsylvania and said she is incapable of driving and please provide her an official ID instead. My brother thought it was fine to drive in the neighborhood and refused to help. I never asked her doctor as I wanted to be sure it was done properly. My brother did disconnect the battery.
I set up a taxi cab company to take her places but she only rode once and thought they drove too fast. Her sister in laws took her places then. She stopped driving in 2012 and died in 2016 of dementia.
My mom did use a senior ride service in her community on occasion; I think it was $1/ride. Plus my brother lived five minutes away and worked two minutes away. (I lived 40 minutes away - on the Tristate past O’Hare, so that was a best case timeframe.)
Separate subject - per the alert buttons. Mom wore a “Help I’ve Fallen” type of button around her neck. Then apparently one Saturday morning she must have slipped slowly while getting out of bed and hit her head on the night table and never woke. She was on blood thinners. My brother found her that Monday when the weekday help couldn’t get an answer at the door. We had moved away literally days earlier.
So those buttons register sudden falls but not slow ones. Coincidentally, her sister had died many years earlier after slipping on the ice while on blood thinners. I never want to go on blood thinners!
Have to weigh out other risks when going on blood thinners - for example A Fib or high risk of blood clots.
When one ages and has more fall risks, perhaps reassessing/adjusting meds accordingly.
DH needed to get on blood thinners due to paroxysmal A Fib (periodic, not continual A Fib) at age 65 - had cardiac ablation which reduced the paroxysmal A Fib episodes, but keeps him from stroke risk. Not at fall risk, but is very careful - he notices easier bleeding.
A friend of mine (a MD) called the new blood thinners (out for a while, but still name brand meds Eliquis and Xarelto) she calls ‘miracle drugs’ for her parents in that they reduce/prevent strokes for them - and has increased their QOL.
Sometimes getting a bad rap because they aren’t as easily reversible as warfarin in an accident for example. But the easier dosing and no need for constant lab monitoring and lack of interactions make a huge difference in life quality.
I think I posted this picture once before in this thread a while back but reading these latest posts brought it back to mind. This is when my mother finally stopped driving, but only because it scared her enough to stop. Up until then, she felt like she was fine driving short distances around town. This happened when she got home and pulled into her driveway but for some reason turned the steering wheel to the right and forgot to use the brake. She drove right up the back steps! She was living in a different state from us and we had no idea she had gotten this bad.
My cardiologist is switching me from Coumadin to Eliquis this week. I am concerned that it’s harder to control in an emergency, but not having to get INR tests, control Vit K intake and shoot myself up with Lovenox before flying are also good things to remove from my life. We’ll see how it goes.
Between my primary and my cariologist we are adding one med and changing four others. (Three of the new ones are $$$. My out-of-pocket is going to be close to $700/mo now, no counting deductible and regular copays. UGH.) I need to find out about tapering and how I should phase all of these news meds in so we can identify any issues that pop up.
Should talk to a pharmacist or two, also. The Costco folks know me well, and my SIL is also a pharmacist.
BUT knowing she had opportunities to spread her wings and not be stuck at home did a world of good for her mental state.
She drove right up the back steps! She was living in a different state from us and we had no idea she had gotten this bad.