My mother’s sister and I have about had it with my mother. She has been so negative and lying lately that it is wearing on us. Background-mom moved to a retirement community the first of the month. She didn’t really want to move, but she could not afford her 2 bedroom apartment much longer. She decided on this community as she had a friend there and it was the most affordable in the area we were looking. The place it small and her furniture wouldn’t all fit, so we spent a month deciding what she could and couldn’t take. She was attached to everything, and fought about everything we had to get rid of. We finally made it through the downsizing and took things we knew wouldn’t fit, or she didn’t need (every 93 year old needs 2 sets of dishes and silverware, place setting for 16!)
The move was almost 4 weeks ago, and the first week was actually ok. Her friend came and got her to go down for dinner each night, introduced her to others, and they went to bingo and bridge, one night each. Then mom got sick with bronchitis and didn’t feel well, so didn’t eat much. While she isn’t coughing as much, she is weak due to no activity and not eating as well. She will have one good day, and then complain the next day she is horrible, yet when I go over there, she seems fine.
Yesterday we took her and her friend out for lunch to celebrate her birthday. For days leading up to the birthday, no matter where we suggested for lunch, she would complain about-the food is terrible there, they have nothing to eat other than salads, it’s too far, it’s too much food for lunch, etc. We decide on an Italian place that we have been to many times, and I know she has been once or twice with me in the past. I read her the menu from online, which she says much be new as they never had that before; it’s an Italian restaurant, and she insist they have never served pasta! We get they and she behaves which I knew she would as her friend was there, but she still insist this is a different menu than when she was last there.
The negativity is about everything and everyone. There is a scratch on her fridge-the maintenance man did that when he came to check her sink, the movers broke her scale because they didn’t wrap it-it wasn’t broken and I unwrapped it when unpacking the box it was in. The cable guy messed up her tv and she can’t get any channels-she is on the wrong input, but insist she didn’t touch anything. The lying is more extreme exaggeration, but she had done this for as long as I can remember. My uncle use to say, don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story!
I know my patients is thin with her as I went from 5 months of care giving my husband and then his death, to dealing with her; my aunt and uncle helped when she needed it while my husband was sick, so I pretty much was hands off and let them do everything. That said, mom is self sufficient, but the move was hard on her. She is still driving a tiny bit, just within a couple of miles from her place. She will do grocery and doctor’s appointment. Her new place has a bus that takes them to the grocery store, and my aunt and I will most likely do the doctor’s appointments just so she doesn’t drive. She know when the car goes, and it is on it’s last leg, she will no longer have a car. My husband always handled the maintenance on the car; I just realized the other day that it hasn’t had an oil change or air in the tires in close to a year. Don’t want it to break down while in the car, but maybe I will just ignore the care of it, and hopefully it won’t start one day!
Any suggestions on dealing with the negativity? Again, this isn’t entirely new and some may be age related. We try to change the subject, but when I get upset with her, I call her out on it, which I know is not nice. Yesterday was the first time she sort of said thank you to my aunt and I, and I know that was just because her friend was there. Not looking for a gold star, but I have busted my butt to get this move arranged and completed. While I don’t need to be curled in a ball in my bed, I would like to figure out my life. I promise my kids I would not do this to them, and they need to do what is best when the time comes. Of course, I don’t think my personality would have me be like my mother, but who knows as I age!
