The combination of grief with your DH and dealing with a 93 YO who has a lot of negativity. Good that you have your aunt who also sees what you see, and you have that family support/connection.
Hope you have some things in your area or with your church - widow/widower group, grief support, etc. Even going to a book store and browsing the books that can be helpful for you.
Try to integrate some positive things in your week - make a list of things you like to do or what makes you happy, and plan some upcoming things to be looking forward to doing.
While she was sick, I did take days off from going over there, although both my aunt and I had to take some groceries and dinner a few nights as she didnât have much to eat. We had gotten about 80% of the apartment unpacked, but there are things that still need unboxing and moving, and picture still are not hung. Arranged for my SIL to do that the first weekend as she has some large artwork that is in the way, and some she has not room for; I thought she would want those up to make the place feel more like home. Well, she wasnât ready to hang them yet as we might need to move some furniture! Where would we move it, the place is 612sf. So every time I need to get to one of the cabinets, I have to move this huge painting that is leaning again it!
I really donât mind helping her, just want her to be nicer. When I do go over, I tell her before I go that I only have X amount of time, or that I have to leave before the traffic. I will arrange my arrival such that it is plausible to leave by 3:30 so as not to sit in traffic going home; she understands that. My aunt and I say my husband must be looking down at us and shaking his head as mom was always good with him. While he also thought she was a pain at times, she would listen to him.
Todayâs phone call was about the tv again. She said, âIf you hear I jumped off the balcony, I wanted you to know why.â Seems the cable is out and she watches tv 24 hours a day, while playing games on her computer. I told her sounded like a good time to take a nap since she doesnât sleep well at night, or maybe get dress and see what is going on downstairs. Nope, too much trouble to get dressed and go down. I didnât ask if she had something for dinner if she isnât going down, didnât offer to bring anything either; she has half her lunch from yesterday.
I have plans with a friend next week as she has been out of town. We will bi*ch and drink as she also has family drama!
Funny how some women do like a manâs attention, and will listen to a son/son in law/other man more attentively and lap up his attention.
My mother was like this - she would try charming ways. Once on a flight to us, she had a very small lightweight bag, and asked a very nice man to carry it for her - he and I locked eyes, and I knew he couldnât say no to her but knew it was ridiculous as she could easily carry it (I am talking a light weight shopping bag that might have weighed 7 lbs). This was part of her personality and part with the way she grew up with men being put on a pedestal, men being in charge.
A neighbor, if my DH is outside, always stops to talk to him. If I am outside, we wave. Same kind of thing IMHO.
Her filters are also way off âIf you hear I jumped off the balconyâŠâ drama. Some seniors do resort to child like behaviors and attitudes.
Glad you can find solace with a friend in somewhat similar dealing with family drama.
I like @thumper1 idea of agreeing with the negativity.
This is the other thing. My mom was mad that she wasnât the one who died, she thinks itâs unfair that other people are sick when sheâs lived a full life. And outlived her money. As unfair as it is for you, your mother is probably grieving also. And while thatâs not your issue, it may explain her mood.
I did have to have a conversation with mom. That while I understand, right now I need to be selfish for myself. That itâs my daughter who is sick and I need to be there for her. You have your own things to deal with, she needs to deal with hers.
I think you have every right not to deal with the tantrums.
@snowball I have only sympathy, the negativity seems to come with age, for whatever reason. Itâs exhausting. You imagine this friendly bonding like a Hallmark movie and it doesnât happen.
I recommend giving you (and your Mom) a designated day off. Just knowing you only have to make it to âTuesdayâ or whatever, can help.
Come here and vent. vent a lot. vent in your head to us, vent in the car out loud. I find it very helpful, honestly.
As was mentioned, thereâs nothing to do but agree. Then change the subject if you can â I have found it handy to keep some standard sentences handy : " I understand! What did you watch today?" Or " I hear you are frustrated with the TV, that must be hard" . Think of our moms, in their difficult moments, as sulky teenage girls.
I stopped expecting gratitude a while ago. She just isnât capable of much more than criticism some days. (My mom, looking at a photo of her newborn great grandson, says âwell!!! he certainly isnât missing ANY mealsâ) . Sheâs upset about the tv, or the phone, or angry I am reminding her to eat â I canât protect her from those feelings, and remind myself that being upset about things is kinda normal, at any age, and isnât dangerous for her.
Your comment about newborn great grandson - yes, instead of saying âglad to see a healthy babyâ which he isâŠ
MIL was with an aging brain/signs of some dementia/memory loss was losing social filters in a bigger way, probably some signs at 85 and then progressing. This progressed pretty dramatically as she physically also became more debilitated in her last 1-2 years.
I was so glad when I had to host 88 YO in-laws before and after DD1âs wedding that I went to the hairdresser a day earlier so I did not have to escort MIL to the hairdresser - I could have DH take her (and she was super picky with her hair, quite demanding - so glad I missed that!) Her comment before they went âwhen is XXX going to get her hair done?â - my simple hair style was already doneâŠFIL âforgotâ his dress shirt for the wedding (this is a few hours before we were to drive the 100 miles to check into hotel) - thankfully I could also send DH to Kohlâs (with DHâs never used Kohlâs card and my discount info) and he was able to buy the dress shirt. DHâs brother and GF made sure to have the drive from their place to ours in one day to not deal with more work with them - but on the way home did stop off with another overnight. MIL âbrought alongâ her dentures for DD1âs wedding, but before pictures at the church, BIL had to go back to the hotel to get her dentures! The following year when nephew got married, also a driving trip for the grandparents to be there, as both were 89, MIL didnât even bring her dentures along. A big decline for them between those last few years (both died at 92).
DH feels a lot of loss with his mom, less so with his dad. His mom was the backbone of the family, main breadwinner, had the determination for her sons to go to college (all graduated successfully). FIL lacked a lot, so those deficits have âletting goâ easier for DH.
It sounds more likely to me that a son-in-law doesnât trigger mom like daughter does. And for what itâs worth, although @snowballâs loss is worse x a zillion, mom is missing s-i-l as well.
SIL sounded handy (looked after her vehicle for example). Sometimes older people (and others) have their worst behavior to people who they are close to - perhaps because they subconsciously feel safe to act out.
âTriggersâ can be with a son or a daughter, or if there is something not liked (strongly not liked) about a dau-in-law or son-in-law. Sometimes a parent will want to maintain a parent-child behavior/relationship when the adult in the relationship is the adult daughter or son.
@oldmom4896 This! We had been married 43 year and dated for 6 years prior, so he has been a part of the family since I was 16. While I have an older brother in town, he has put my parents through the ringer, and does nothing for mom, nor did he help with anything when dad was alive. So my husband was the only son to care about them; plus he was very handy, so has always helped out since we were dating.
My uncle has mentioned how much my dad spoiled mom and catered to her wants and needs. I donât know if she came into the marriage demanding, or turned that way overtime. My dad was the sweetest man you would know, and always thought about others before himself. I guess mom fed on that personality.
My BIL just called to tell me he called mom to see how she liked the new place. This is my husbandâs bother, but we are all close, so he knows what my mother is like; we always did a good bit of both families together dinners, and he played Bridge with her. He said he was shocked to hear her say she like the place just fine, and while the food isnât 4 star, she doesnât have to cook and clean pots and pans, so it is fine. He really expected her to complain about most everything!
In the last week, we got my father (96) into respite care while his wife (92) is in rehab with a broken vertebrae. We needed a safe place for him while she is in treatment. They really should not have been living independently.
Dad: didnât want to go to respite care, is now glad he is there, found out he has friends there, and he plans to have his wife join him when she gets out of rehab. (They will likely transition to Assisted Living residents).
Wife: is having a mixed experience in the rehab unit and also now has the flu. Iâm not sure anyone tells us 100% of the truth. She wants to go home after rehab and we will need to convince her to try AL with her husband. (AL is more âaffordableâ than 24/7 care at home). Sheâs a bit prickly, but Iâm too tired to choose good words to describe it. It mostly goes like this. She complains about something, we work to get the issue corrected, and then she undoes our efforts and says she liked it the way it was.
We have three adult kids involved in the decisions. Thatâs its own level of fun. One brother and I agree on almost everything â we just have to convince the other.
We have some late 70s to late 80s relatives in our hometown who are stopping to visit each (I hope they are skipping the flu patient for now) so we do get almost daily reports.
This really deserves to be written more creatively so we can all have a laugh or at least a giggle or mild smile. Goodnight all.
A 95 YO woman living alone in a stand alone home died in a house fire in our area this week. I did not hear how the fire started, but living alone at a certain age IMHO is almost 100% with a lot of risks.
IDK if 92 YO wife of your father could get to their home w/o help. Seems the way to direct her is for her to take a break from chores at home and be with her husband for a while. Once at a place for some time, many will lose their resistance and demands to go back to the home.
Their finances will get more drained with being at two places, and father needs to stay where he he - if they indeed can qualify for Assisted Living in that community.
That sounds so hard. I know I find myself thinking, often, how did we get to a place where every decision â even simple ones â involve 10 texts, two phone calls, and three daysâ discussion? I just want one week where things are simple.
@greenbutton I am right there with you. I never imagined dealing with what I am dealing with before I retired. My golden years arenât so golden.
I know each of you were waiting with bated breath to find out if my mother took the leap Sorry, it isnât really funny, but as I said on the other thread, if I didnât laugh, I would cry. After trying the tv fixes I asked her to try, the first was whether the cable box had the blue light on the side, she decided at 5:00 this morning to unplug the cable box and change the outlet it was in. Yep, that was all it was! I will take a new power strip or tape off the outlet that might be bad after checking it, but I did not need to make a house call this weekend.
Glad the mystery was solved.
That outlet is likely connected to a wall switch, not actually bad. We had this happen at my parentsâ place - their dustbuster never kept a charge - it was plugged into the switch connected outlet and they turned off both switches instictively whenever they left that room.
@snowball my mom sat on the TV remote control more than one time. Yikes. I can tell youâŠit was a challenge to help her reset it over the phone but my very patient husband did itâŠmore than once.
@mominva The cable box was plugged in to a power strip, and the other outlets on it were working. I have had outlets go bad before, so will replace the one we have there. I intentional made sure I plugged nothing in the apartment in a switched outlet for that very reason.
@thumper1 That has definitely happened to mom before! She will insisted she didnât do anything, yet I will find the input has changed, or the mute is on, etc.. I usually can talk her through fixes, when I have the patients, but I am not familiar with the Xfinity remote and box, so when she ask, how do I get to Amazon, I canât tell her without Googling. Sometimes it is just easier to go there and do it!
When it was time for a new cell phone several year ago, I told her she had to get an iPhone as I was tired of trying to tell her how to use Android. By having and iPhone, I could go through my phone and tell her step by step what to do.
Mom has a Roku because the smart TV defeated all her attempts to simply watch something. This is after years of a single antenna, bc Dad did not think they needed anything else.
Local Sib made her an actual template of the remote, with simple notes about what to push for what action ---- and she has not been able to get anywhere near capable. Once watched 4 seasons of Anne of Green Gables , bingeing, because she thought it was a âreally longâ movie. Has subscribed to several streaming apps without knowing it. (We just keep logging in and unsubscribing her). She changes the input all. the. time.
The easiest thing for her? YouTube. The algorithm is much better at finding things for her, and the navigation is straightforward. Hallelujah!
@thumper tv remote, bed remote and cell oh my! My mother would say none of them worked. I would enter her apartment and find her hunched over fiddling with wires. Sometimes the emergency button pendant was also confused with a phone and she would try to âcallâ me on it.
I saw my aging parent try to answer the phone on the remote more than once. She also lost the cordless phone more than once, so all were replaced with corded ones that could not be ârelocatedâ.
So every time I need to get to one of the cabinets, I have to move this huge painting that is leaning again it!
This! We had been married 43 year and dated for 6 years prior, so he has been a part of the family since I was 16. While I have an older brother in town, he has put my parents through the ringer, and does nothing for mom, nor did he help with anything when dad was alive. So my husband was the only son to care about them; plus he was very handy, so has always helped out since we were dating.
Sorry, it isnât really funny, but as I said on the other thread, if I didnât laugh, I would cry. After trying the tv fixes I asked her to try, the first was whether the cable box had the blue light on the side, she decided at 5:00 this morning to unplug the cable box and change the outlet it was in. Yep, that was all it was! I will take a new power strip or tape off the outlet that might be bad after checking it, but I did not need to make a house call this weekend. 
That has definitely happened to mom before! She will insisted she didnât do anything, yet I will find the input has changed, or the mute is on, etc.. I usually can talk her through fixes, when I have the patients, but I am not familiar with the Xfinity remote and box, so when she ask, how do I get to Amazon, I canât tell her without Googling. Sometimes it is just easier to go there and do it!